Feel depressed about living in a wealthy area.

[Usernamed]

We moved from a near-by town to a village in the country. The local school results were good, and that was our priority at the time. The village looks lovely. We moved to a smallish 3-bed semi on a little close, which was in a bad state and needed lots of work. We've now been there 4 years and I've been feeling more and more miserable. The work has not been done on the house (money/time).

I did not realise how affluent the area is. At first I though 'so what?'. I'm not a jealous type or materialistic. But as time has gone on I've realised more and more just how we stick out like a sore thumb. At my DDs school, literally every child lives in massive houses with expensive cars. As we did play-dates, I kept expecting to find one or a couple of other kids living in a house similar to ours, but no, they are all seriously minted.

My kids are noticing it. Even though I keep explaining that these families have bigger houses because both parents work (although not all do), and that money and thing don't make you happy, I can see it affects them, and they feel different. They say things like:

"Can we have a playroom?", "Our house is as big as this (to the other childs' parent)", "Why is our house so small?", "I want to live in X's house", "They have loads of toys, why don't we?". "Why do we only have toilet and they have 4?", "Are we going to get a big garden?"

I know I should not let it bother me, but I think this feeling has built up over time. I am embarrassed to have other Mums round on playdates because our house is also very tatty inside. I feel like I'm starting to get jealous, or competitive and not content with what I've got - which is so unlike me.

And I know people are going to say, perhaps these people are in debt, or unhappy, but no, some are happy and just have very good jobs! Can anyone else relate?

Lollipop - Yes it does help to hear that you are not the only one in this position! x

We are in a similar set-up and yes Dc do pick up on it as primary - including the now family piss take of ds13 but said so indignantly age 6 "why don't we have a swimming pool mummy?" and genuine lack of understanding why they hadn't skied/done Disney etc.

Honestly op don't let it bother you, remind your Dc that whilst we might now have as much as their friends in this village, compared to some we are very well off (& happy definitely not to be said for many of their wealthy mates) and when eldest ds started secondary he made friends with children fro ma much wider socio-economic backgrounds. I also have some really lovely (& fabulously rich) local friends so don't let your insecurities hold you or your children back.

These people are likely to be normal people who are just looking for nice DC for their DC to be friends with. Our experience was our DC making friends with another DC who lived in a much smaller house to ours, our DC did the unthinking bathroom comment when visiting and I cringed when she told me. Anyway the whole friendship never really worked after the DC visited our house, the DC and in fact the mum made passive aggressive comments about our cars, the playroom, outdoor space etc. Everything had been really good at school for months before that and I sincerely wished I had never set the play dates up.
A friendship that was going really well was badly damaged by what seemed to be the mum's issue primarily with stuff that was out of the DC's control entirely. All I wanted was for my DC to be happy I don't give a stuff how many bedrooms their friends have.

Mymadworld - yes, I know it should not really get to me. It didn't to begin with. I get on well with a lot of the Mums and our kids play together. I do slightly avoid having them round ours though. I know it's only temporary, because at the end of primary school most of the children will end up going to different schools anyway - they generally divide between the grammar, private and state schools in the area. It's unlikely my DD will end up with many kids from her school at High School, which is a shame, but she will also get a more rounded view of the world.

We are just managing day to day, in an affluent area. Our children go to amazing parties, huge houses with lots of land - luckily they've never really commented past 'names house was nice, it is big'.

I don't know how to offer advice, it probably needs to stem from helping them to appreciate what they do have. Their loving home, good school, friends, nice area etc.

Hope it soon feels easier.

Been there, it's quite isolating. Our situation was different though, the housing association estate mums wouldn't talk to us because we dared to move into their village, half the rich kids went to private schools and you only encountered them with their au pairs in the park, the rich kids at the school did invite my kids round but the mums of you met them (most had nannies or au pairs) were pretty sniffy
that I didn't like to go to the wine bar/pub/restaurant place at midday, just get a sitter they said! We moved areas a few years later

Personally I’d downsize for the right area. You have a good school and presumably are in a catchment for a good secondary? The millionsire’s kids will go off to private/boarding school and your children will meet other kids who are in the same boat as them in secondary?
MMy children go to school in an affluent area. Priced similarly to your village but without the swimming pools. There is a housing estate nearby where the houses are low cost (they are still £450K) and are small three bedroom terraces, no side access, poor sound insulation and tiny if any gardens. However they are in the right catchment for an excellent school. I am currently thinking of selling our larger house in less desirable area for one of these, mainly to access the schools but also because people in the more affluent area have a nicer attitude, are friendlier, take pride in their area, have lovely local coffee shops. I am concerned that I would feel as you do if we were there and I do not think I’d be proud of the house but would like the area. They advantages must be weighed against the disadvantages. I haven’t yet decided but I know that if I was buying a house today and had to choose between them, I would choose the better area.

And yes to doing up your house. Even doing it up cosmetically would cheer you up.

acivilcontract - thank you for saying that, it's nice to know that perhaps these Mums are not taking much notice of circumstances. I meant it when I said that I am not naturally a jealous person (and I don't want to turn into one!). I am genuinely happy for friends when they have nice stuff.

The bit I don't understand is that my DH and I are well-educated and work hard (or I did before being a SAHM) and everything still seems like a bit of a struggle. I don't really understand how people end up being so well off. Maybe it is inherited. Or perhaps jobs are being paid very well - falling into the right job just seems a latter of chance. My DH works in a quite senior role in a well-known company, but his wage does not seem to stretch far. We could not afford a much bigger house (it would not be worth moving for that tiny extra bit of space). I have a feeling these families are doctors, lawyers, etc, so perhaps working for big companies does not pay these days.

We are frugal with our money as well and don't have big, nice cars. On the other hand, we have no debts and tend to pay for things with cash not credit, which I do value.

Two incomes does make a differnce op. Quite often quite a substantial one. Could you consider going back to work when the youngest goes to school? Or even now as they would be eligible for nursery hours?

Usernamed I suspect inheritance.Our next door neighbour has a much bigger house. We have newish cars and they have new cars every 3 years. I know the wife has her own money and buys her own new car. She doesn't look like she works so I can only assume she has a trust fund.

There may be inherited wealth, it may be 2 working parents, it may be a difference in the field of work, it may be debt. All manner of things could be at play.

And this really echos with me My DH works in a quite senior role in a well-known company, but his wage does not seem to stretch far.

The only difference we have with you is DH and I both work full time, and I earn similar. But I see lots with very good lifestyle and only one working parent.

I think you have got some harsh responses here OP.

I was another who went to private school but my family couldn't afford lots of clothes/skiing etc. If other parents are judgmental/rude then you know to steer clear of them but I know it can hurt.

At 3 and 6 they are too young to understand why, they just see the big cool things like lots of toys and swimming pools. As they grow up they'll understand more.

It is difficult.
I lived in Maida Vale when DS was born- in the naice part - my neighbours were Freuds and middle aged rockstars (literally). How and why I ended up there- don’t ask. But I was living rent free in a lovely home- and earning fairly good money (that makes it sound like I was a mistress- I wasn’t. Nothing that interesting).

But I’m working class and was there “by accident”- I was a visitor. And the Kensington and Chelsea mums - as polite as they were- saw my son and I (and his father- artist. Bearded. Older than me) as bohemian oddities. We were interesting- with a capital I. We were people they were intrigued by- but couldn’t quite get their heads around.

And I was fucking lonely.

Cautionary tale-
I had PNA and it really affected my relationship with my DP- so I moved back to my home town in Yorkshire, with my son thinking I’d get better there, and make a life amongst people who would be friendlier, kinder, more connected.

Bullshit. I’m lonelier here than I was there- because now I’m an interloper here too. I’ve been away too long. Speak with a slightly posh accent (for my town). Don’t fit in.

So now I’m lonely, and I’m living in a town I didn’t want to come back to. And there’s no good Vietnamese food for 100 Miles.

Be careful.

I think that inherited wealth makes a big difference, sadly we lack the swimming pools and the ponies and we know we those either have inherited wealth or have jobs with large bonuses. Actually that isnt true, owners of their own successful companies and very senior partners in some fields also have them. Honestly wherever you are in the feeding chain there are usually people above and below you. We are currently somewhere where everyone else seems to have a beach house, my DC feel quite put out we don't !

Focus on cosmetically decorating one room at the time. Feeling in control and making progress makes a big difference.

Your kids are invited to playdates, not ostracised - so they're hardly not wanting to scoialise with you because you feel that your house is shabby in comparison.

You also know that you are wrong - there are all those who couldn't afford to buy in your village for example. There is ALWAYS someone less well off than you. There will be the single parents, those unemployed and even a few on FSM, even in an affluent area.

I agree that living in a house for 4 years which needs updating is depressing so you need to pull your finger out and get on with starting the cosmetic decoration of one room. Forget grand designs and be realistic with your budget - keep it simple to keep costs down. Good Luck.

You've had some good advice here OP, I wholeheartedly agree with @Bluntness. Living in a run down house will make you feel so shit, regardless of what X's parents have or cars they drive.

There are ways to DIY on a budget, believe me I know from experience, but it tends to be a labour of love, something you have to really plan, actually do, and spend some time/ any spare money on.

I think a frank discussion with DH and a good solid plan re: finances and timescale.

On the upside, making a run down house a home is an incredible feeling. Try to get kids involved too, the more the help the more they too will take pride in their home.

Good luck OP, pull yourself out of the rut and you will feel much more positive

There was some interesting research done in Denmark or somewhere, where a sample was asked what they would prefer:

A) to live on a £100,000 per year while all your friends had £200,000

Or

B) to live on £50,000 per year and all your friends had the same.

Not surprisingly the majority voted for the latter. Comparison really is the thief of joy. As James said in ‘Sit Down’, “if I hadn’t seen such riches I could live with being poor”. Very true words.

I speak as someone who has been in your place op and if I compared myself to my richest friends I really would feel like a pauper however time has moved on and our lifestyle has improved, so those feelings are less apparent to me now. I’m not going to pretend it isn’t hard but I guess trying a gratitude list every day might help. Alternatively, just move to another area.

By the way your children will mix with a far broader demographic once they start senior school, if the surrounding feeders are in ‘poorer’ locations. A lot of the richest kids will have gone orf to private school by then too!

how is one meant to explain that comparison is the thief of joy to a small child? Ridiculous thing to say.

I would say that you need to either get on with the house or get a job. Either one will help you, in one way or another.

Have you got to know any of the other parents? It sounds like, finances aside, you won't be so different from them.

If that was aimed at me rivertam I was merely musing in an attempt to make the op feel better, not suggesting that she advise her child thus

It's harsh not feeling on a par with the people who live roundabout. It's very isolating.

One of my dcs friends came to play. Must of been about 5/6. He asked where the play room was. I told him that he was in it and we called it the sitting room.
There's always someone richer than you.
Make a list of everything you are grateful for. Someone might have the big car, but never see their partner because they're at work. I sometimes get jealous of people who have loving parents, because mine are abusive, and I'm having a really tough time at the moment, so could do with a supportive family.

Sorry to hear that Spankyoumuch, I hope it improves.

Thank you for all of your lovely replies above.

TheSheepofWallStreet - What you said above really struck a chord with me. I am not from this area originally and have lost the accent I used to have. My family have all stayed in the area we grew up in. I am now treated like an outsider by people who live in that area and even my family. Around here I sound slightly common (they still hear a twang), but back 'home' I sound posh and I am constantly treated as if I 'think I am better than them' (which I don't). My Mum is slightly resentful of the fact that we now live in this area, and all that comes with it. You end up feeling like you don't belong in either place don't you?

Come and live in Switzerland! BMWs here are like Astras in the UK. Multiple rich & famous live here, including Michael Schumacher and Phil Collins, who are just down the road. If we compared ourselves to them, we'd constantly feel inadequate! I'm just happy to live in a lovely place!

OP my parents bought the smallest house at the affordable end of a wealthy street. The rest were huge houses owned by architects, solicitor, partners in accountancy firms, you get the idea. Down our end were the semis, owned by pensioners and my parents. We were the only kids at that time.

I knew knew we had less (I played with the DC from the richer households), and my parents didn't hide the fact that we couldn't afford things. If I asked and was told it was too expensive that was the absolute end of the conversation. On the DIY front the house is still a project for my parents, who've redone carpets and the bathroom slowly over the years. Kitchen is still to do 25 years later it's got my DM down every now and then too.

As an adult I am perfectly content not having the latest gadget, phone or car and am not hugely materialistic. I also live in a smaller house in a rich village so it's stood me in good stead.