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Original poster

Boyfriends Relationship with Daughter

27 replies

Heidini · 16/10/2018 08:48

Desperately Seeking Advice

I am being made to feel that I am nasty and jealous of the relationship my boyfriend of 5 yrs has with his 21 yr old daughter.

I have looked really hard at myself and why we argue about this and have come to the conclusion that as a couple we do not have enough quality time together so he only has to mention he is organising a small outing with his daughter and I see red and get upset, feel threatened etc. Plus if we do go out he keeps on at me about trying this restaurant, visiting that place etc, all places his daughter keeps telling him to go to, and when we find some where nice of our own he has to then later involve his daughter. I know this all sounds so stupid and does it really matter, but I would just like us to have something special to us to make 'us feel worthwhile or am I living in a dreamworld.

He doesn't get on ( or try to) with my children so that also makes me resent his daughter as I see how nice he can be to his own children.

I have tried to talk to him and explain my feelings, which he says he understands but then its starts all over again.

I feel I am demanding too much from this relationship and the grass wouldn't be greener elsewhere but I would also quite like to breath a sigh of relief if I was ever able to move out and be on my own with my children.
Mother in Law has just recently bought the house next door aswell.
And he doesn't want to do much with me in our own, at the most we go out once every 2 weeks for a meal which last for about 1 1/2 hrs, and I don't offer to do anything else as I'm the one that normally has to pay.

Look forward to any advice or where to go for help.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 09:26

I don't think it's reasonable to be upset that he has arranged a "small outing with his DD" tbh or that would that you're upset that he takes you to places his DD has suggested, that seems irrational on the face of it.

Does she live with you? Do you spend time together at home?

From what you've written it does seem that you begrudge her and resent your partner for wanting to spend time with his DD.

How's your relationship with him otherwise?

FlibbertyGiblets · 16/10/2018 09:34

He doesn't get on with your kids. You don't like his daughter. You'd be relieved to live just with your own children.

Don't waste any more time, set yourselves free, all of you.

CarolDanvers · 16/10/2018 09:35

End this relationship. You are being very weird and toxic about his daughter and he can’t be bothered with your kids. There’s nothing to work with here.

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Relationship problems
serbska · 16/10/2018 09:37

FFS sort your shit out and get rid. Why on earth woudl you put your children through living with someone who doesn't like them and makes it clear?

Find yourself a casual BF or FWB if you want sex but don't subject your children to living with unsuitable men.

lunar1 · 16/10/2018 09:38

You don't like each others children, there is no future here.

TwistedStitch · 16/10/2018 09:41

Why are you so needy for a man that you are jealous of his kid and are subjecting your own kids to living with someone who dislikes them? Sort yourself out and put your children first.

Dhapeer · 16/10/2018 09:42

Father's seem to prefer their original children I've noticed. Children from subsequent families seem to be seen as something they unwillingly agreed to rather than wanted. I don't think that for you it's about the original daughter per se. It's more about how he's not treating you and your children.

happinessischocolate · 16/10/2018 09:44

It's not his DD that's the problem it's that he's not giving you and your kids enough attention.

As pp have said you need to leave for the sake of your kids.

My OH has 2 DD and spends a lot of time talking to and seeing them and I have no problem with this at all as he's also lovely to my kids and we get plenty of quality time together too.

happinessischocolate · 16/10/2018 09:48

And he doesn't want to do much with me in our own, at the most we go out once every 2 weeks for a meal which last for about 1 1/2 hrs, and I don't offer to do anything else as I'm the one that normally has to pay.

Why do you have to pay?

Do you live with him or did he move in with you?

Is he a cocklodger?

TheOneWith · 16/10/2018 09:51

To him, you are someone to fill a bit of time, and you actually pay to do that.

Just get rid, your ‘relationship’ is going nowhere.

Original poster
Heidini · 16/10/2018 09:52

I like his daughter and have spent a lot of time getting to know her and getting her to accept me. She was very nasty to start with, it really is I believe as 'happinessischocolate' commented, i would like my children respected and my time with OH made more special.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidini · 16/10/2018 09:55

I moved In with him, and he is very tight with his money, so unless i suggest something we don't go and 99% I end up paying as he makes me feel like I'm being tight!

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 16/10/2018 09:59

Why did you move your kids in with him when he doesn't get on with them? I really don't understand why people do this to their children.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 09:59

Blimey, this bloke sounds horrible and now his mother's moved in next door! Why on earth are you still there?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/10/2018 10:01

Do you love him? Does he have any redeeming features?

TheOneWith · 16/10/2018 10:03

I can’t understand the thought process behind moving yourself and your kids in with him??

“he makes no effort to try and get on with my children, nor does he respect them...
But yeah let’s move in with him, what a great idea” Hmm

The only people I feel sorry for in this mess is your children.

Start putting them first for a change.

Original poster
Heidini · 16/10/2018 10:26

Before I moved In with him he did make an effort with my children, this has been very gradual , and I'm wondering whether it's a mentally abusive relationship as I do feel I'm constantly walking on eggshells and the only child he's chatty and nice to is his own!

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 16/10/2018 12:33

Do your children live with you both?
How old are they?

happinessischocolate · 16/10/2018 12:50

I do feel I'm constantly walking on eggshells and the only child he's chatty and nice to is his own

If you feel like this then I hate to think how your children feel, you need to leave ASAP.

Abusive relationships never start abusive they gradually turn that way, sorry OP but it's only going to get worse.

Myneighbourisodd · 16/10/2018 22:19

How old are your children? Do they live with you?
I would never be or stay with someone who didn't like them or even make any effort with them at all!
Leave this prick, he thinks of only himself and his daughter, it's disgusting, your poor children, bot only are they around a man that they know doesn't like them but they also know that they their mother knows he doesn't like them but stays with him anyway.
Seriously OP please put your own flesh and blood before this man who seemingly brings nothing but stress and issues your way

nicenewdusters · 17/10/2018 00:13

I think it speaks volumes that the only good thing you can say about this man is that he has a good relationship with his daughter.

He'll destroy your confidence and the emotional well being of your children. If you're already day dreaming of being free of him then you know it's time to go.

He'll probably be glad. More time to spend with his daughter, and he won't have to live with your children who he doesn't like Why are you giving him so much power over your happiness, and that of your children?

Angrybird345 · 17/10/2018 06:55

Move out!!!!

Beaverhausen · 17/10/2018 07:06

Wow just wow not going to be nice and sugarcoat anything for you.

Personally i would have been out of there the minute all this crap started. This is not a relationship, You allow your children to live with a man who does not care for them? You are allowing your children to be treated like they are in the way by a man and his family.

Do you know what you are putting your children through? Stop putting your neediness above the needs of your children. No doubt they are being ignored as you are concentrating more on this dickhead than them at the moment.

Stop making excuses and if you can not be a good mother and take care of your children first then it is best to see whether they can go and stay with their dad and/or another family member until you are ready to take responsibility for your childish actions and be a mother.

A man should never come first before your own children.

I know I am going to be told I am being harsh on you but this is the reality, why not drag him on Jeremy Kyle show or we might see you there in a few years time when you are crying and wanting to know why your children won't be with you.

icelollycraving · 17/10/2018 07:30

We all make mistakes. Most of us have a shit relationship at some point. However, if you feel you’re walking on eggshells, how to your kids feel?
So, he isn’t great with your kids, is tight and his mum has moved in next door? No.
His daughter and him have a good relationship, but you’re jealous of that? That’s unreasonable but I suspect there is so much resentment you should just cut your losses.

Cleanerswinagain · 17/10/2018 07:34

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