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Original poster

How many invitations before you stop inviting?

33 replies

BirthdayPlans · 15/10/2018 20:26

DS wants a friend to play. Have tried a few times to invite but never managed it. Last time, the mum said last Tues that she would let me know for Wed or Fri this week. Still not heard.
Assume her DD doesn't want to come and stop inviting? At what point would you just get pissed off with me inviting your child over?

Thing is DS's birthday is coming up and he wants to invite her. But I don't know if I should assume on this basis that an invitation will be unwelcome and try to put him off the idea of a party?

OP posts:
CruCru · 15/10/2018 20:33

I think the rule is that if someone turns down 3 invitations in a row, they don’t want to be invited any more (but have no idea where that rule came from).

CruCru · 15/10/2018 20:40

It’s possible that the child is happy to come and play but the mum has other children / stuff arranged that makes it difficult for her to pick up at 6pm (or whichever time you’d normally have the child picked up). It may not be personal.

Original poster
BirthdayPlans · 15/10/2018 20:51

I don't know! I'd really like to know one way or the other if it's crazy busy and disorganised vs not wanting to play. Don't know how to ask politely!

DS got his hopes up as someone is willing to play with him this year and I have to keep disappointing him.

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 15/10/2018 21:24

How old are they? DS has a good friend at school whose DM has told anyone who has invited her DC to anything that he is unavailable at all times. We don’t know why but I will continue to send birthday party invitations until my DS asks me not to. I want the DC know he’s welcome and I’m hoping when he’s older he may come (they’re Y1).

Sunflowerseed90 · 15/10/2018 21:28

How old are they?

Starlight345 · 15/10/2018 21:32

How old are children?

I would leave it invite to party and observe

purpleme12 · 15/10/2018 21:36

Well I would sheets invite to a party regardless of the response at other times cos I think that's a bit different.

But it's a tough one with inviting to house at other times. I have the same. It's like you need to leave a bit of time as well in between asking cos otherwise it's just ridiculous!

purpleme12 · 15/10/2018 21:55

That is supposed to say I would always invite to a party!

earlgreymarl · 15/10/2018 22:00

We've had this, it's hard on the kids, but you don't want to keep chasing / asking. I'd invite to party and find a way to be honest enough with your DC to say that kids have to rely on the parents to sort this stuff out ( ie it's probably not that the kid doesn't want to come ).

themuttsnutts · 15/10/2018 22:04

I wouldnt bother as she may be the sort not to reply and the invitation would be wasted. Just explain to your dc that leave playing with the child at school as some can't playdates

themuttsnutts · 15/10/2018 22:05

Meant to say leave it to just playing at school

Metaplasia · 15/10/2018 22:30

I don't have any constructive advice but thought I'd mention that I refused every invitation for the first couple of years DD was at school because I had severe social anxiety and really could not cope with the idea of speaking to the parents to organise it. I hated the thought of being seen as rude or dismissive but at the same terrified of talking to anyone. Thankfully I'm much better at it now but I look out for it in other parents.

Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2018 22:46

Can't you just have a little chat with her at picking up time and say that he really wants her to come to his birthday party. Presumably other children are coming?

winterisstillcoming · 15/10/2018 23:24

I tend to turn it around, so if they cancel once or twice, then ill ask them for dates and await their response, if they genuinely do want to meet up then they'll respond. Be mindful of the fact that people just get busy. I'd love to get some play dates in but can never find the right time so it may not be personal if this mum doesn't respond

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/10/2018 23:31

I had this with Ds's friend in infant school. I invited him over for a playdate a few times, and he got an invitation for every party DS had at that school, but she never accepted any of them (and never replied to the party invitations). I did speak to her at a sports day and she said she felt her ds would be difficult to cope with. I knew he had GDD but thought if she stayed with him we would manage them no problem. However, she knew her boy best and if she felt it was a no-no then fair enough.

Ordinarily, with no SEND difficulties to consider, if I invited a dc for a playdate and got three refusals, I would assume that the parent just didn't want to, and leave it there. You can't win them all.

You could still invite the child but be prepared for the invitation to be declined.

Original poster
BirthdayPlans · 16/10/2018 05:21

Presumably other children are coming?
Not necessarily. He has SN. Last year no one would come 😭 He's desperate for a party this year because he knows all the other kids have them. He's never been invited to a party or to anyone's house to play.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 16/10/2018 05:26

OP Sad That’s so sad. I really hope he finds some friends. I can’t believe parents wouldn’t at least send their kids to a party. It’s a little different one to one (I don’t know how fair it is to force kids to hang out together) but a party is different since they have a lot of others to talk to.

Is there some possibility of doing extra curricular stuff so he can make friends outside school? People with similar SN maybe? Or a hobby that he can do?

Original poster
BirthdayPlans · 16/10/2018 06:28

He does a hobby, but most kids get there alone and we do it in the neighbouring city so there are no school kids there to take the piss out of him. They all tolerate him, that he can't always join in etc but none that are friendly (or unfriendly). Apart from that he has three types of therapy so no time for other activities.

We will do something with his godmother and her children (if no one is ill!) but they are a fair bit younger and he would really like to do something with kids his own age.

His teacher described him once as the class mascot. The kids will do something with him if asked but otherwise not. Most play time he is alone.

OP posts:
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 16/10/2018 06:37

That sounds hard OP, for both of you.

What upsets me most is that the parents encourage this kind of thinking.

mishgs · 16/10/2018 07:08

I really feel for you and your DS 😥 - it's really sad. I would go for 3 or 4 children who's parents you know fairly well and just be honest with them. Hopefully they'll be able to put themselves in your shoes & make sure their children come to the party. Hope it goes well Thanksxx

Sunflowerseed90 · 16/10/2018 07:24

Maybe the school should do more to encourage friendships.
How old is he op?

Original poster
BirthdayPlans · 16/10/2018 07:28

I don't really know any of the parents. At our school only reception some Yr 1 are accompanied to school. So those parents I know but the Yr 2 teacher refused to have "another difficult child" in her class so he was switched to the parallel Yr2 class. Meaning I rarely met any of the parents because none were accompanied to school any more. He's now repeating Yr3. I tried to do my bit at parent's info evening but basically they've known each other for at least 4 years and split off into groups. I did speak to the mum there and she seemed perfectly nice and didn't seem to have an issue with the idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayPlans · 16/10/2018 07:29

Sorry, didn't realise I hadn't said. He's 8.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 16/10/2018 07:38

Could you suggest meeting up somewhere else (not your home) with the Mum and her dd, as the third invite.

But I guess the dd might be happy to play at school but not want to come over. I would only invite three times, but maybe leave the last one a while.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 16/10/2018 07:43

the Yr 2 teacher refused to have "another difficult child" in her class

Shocking, have you talked to the school about that?

It doesn't sound like a very supportive school.