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Original poster

How to politely handle the pious child-free colleague

66 replies

Shambalashawadeewadee · 13/10/2018 14:08

I have a colleague who is very nice but thinks she understands what it is to be a parent when she doesn’t have children (she’s mid twenties). It is simultaneously hilarious and irritating to receive parenting tips from her (mainly about how her own parents got it right). It’s difficult to set her straight because she gets very offended if someone does (she told me how upset she’d been when a friend’s sister had made a mildly sarcastic comment about how well behaved colleague’s children were share to be if she had them).
Any tips?!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 13/10/2018 18:52

Tricky. I don’t have dc, but helped bring up younger cousins, was a nanny and now a teacher. I think I can give good advice.

I know what you mean, tho, OP. I get this from another POV, people lure to tell me how to handle my horse, for example, when they’ve never had a horse, never ridden one etc. I can see it would be annoying to get advice/comments from non-parents. Or even parents, actually, given every child is different.

Strsighttalkerdneeded · 13/10/2018 18:57

It can be annoying to get advice from people whose views are based on their own experience, let alone when they have indirect, or no experience of something. I would just smile and not or change the conversation.

RiverTam · 13/10/2018 18:59

loads of us thought this kind of thing before we had kids. Wouldn’t let it bother you.

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Snipples · 13/10/2018 19:20

Tbh advice from anyone regarding parenting is annoying (parent or otherwise)- my inlaws are staying with me atm and all I hear is their nonstop advice which can't be challenged because they've raised 4 kids and therefore know everything obviously. She's just trying to join in OP. Just smile and nod and ignore.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/10/2018 20:28

There isn't a way to address it without being very pointed about it. And in the big scheme of things it doesn't sound like something worth getting worked up about. If you replaced 'parenting' in this scenario with basically anything else it would still be the same thing:

  • "So you have rosacea do you... well my cousin's neighbour's great aunt Phyllis did too and she rubbed the blood of a badger on her skin... it cleared up before sunrise the next day!"
  • "So you're trying to conceive are you... well my sister-in-law was trying for 10 years and one day she decided to have a glass of wine and forget thinking about it... by sunrise the next day she got a positive pregnancy result! Go figure!"
  • So you're trying to lose weight but it's not coming off easily is it... well have you tried going carb-free... one night I had only veg for dinner without potatoes and by sunrise the next morning I weighed a stone less!"

You see where I'm going with this...

MistressDeeCee · 13/10/2018 21:24

Get on with your work and don't engage in conversation. You don't have to entertain it do you? People find ways of avoiding the office bore - if they want to

bruce43mydog · 14/10/2018 00:11

Maybe she wants to feel part of the group. She might be feeling left out not having had her own children yet. And maybe she is giving advice on how she will be as a mother. Just because she isn't a mother yet doesn't mean she can't have a opinion on the subject. Not all mothers will give the same advice every mother is different and will learn there own path. But it is nice to talk to people mother or not.

Koalablue · 14/10/2018 05:46

After being hospitalised with HG I was asked by a child free colleague (complete with head tilt) had I tried ginger biscuits?
After being hospitalised with this my mil looked me straight in face and declared morning sickness to not exist.

shearwater · 14/10/2018 05:49

The man doesn’t understand how pregnant women gain weight during pregnancy when a baby is only 7 pounds or so.

Tell him it's because women are weak, smelly and eat pies all day. A stupid question deserves a daft response.

shearwater · 14/10/2018 05:52

“Just laugh nicely and say, bless you, I remember I thought I had all the answers before I actually had kids, too!” is the sort of thing her friend’s sister said to her which she was very peeved about.

Good. Carry on the good work, she may get peeved enough to shut the fuck up.

wonderandwander · 14/10/2018 05:57

The fact that doesn’t mean she can’t give advice! In fact I get my best guidance from my neighbour. She doesn’t have any children but gives very objective non emotional advice that sometimes stops me in my tracks and makes me “oh yes!”.

She’s being a bit daft though not to pick up signals that you don’t rate her advice.

But don’t automatically ignore parenting advice from those without children.

wonderandwander · 14/10/2018 05:58

the fact that she doesn’t have children doesn’t mean she can't give any parenting advice!. Was my opening sentence

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 14/10/2018 06:36

What Bruce said. I have a kid, but don't feel I belong to this exclusive club that sneers at those who don't. If I didn't have any I would find it quite hurtful, like rubbing salt into wounds.

TidyDancer · 14/10/2018 06:48

It's shortsighted to assume that because she doesn't have children her advice etc isn't valid. I have DCs and I'm not arrogant enough to think that makes me qualified over any non-parent to give advice or make comment. Sometimes I find non-parents better as they can be more objective and not 'clouded' by their own experiences. It is best to be open minded imo.

Definitely don't respond to her with any nastiness, there really is no need for that. Unless she's giving dangerous advice regarding medical issues (etc) her opinion is as valid and worthy as anyone else's.

OliviaBenson · 14/10/2018 06:48

"commenting is one thing, advising is another."

Well thanks for that. As a childfree person this is really bloody offensive to label us all in this way. You have no idea of other people's experiences. But hey, what do I know, no kid has come out of my vagina so I can't possibly advise.

IvyFluids · 14/10/2018 07:21

If the colleague was saying that "my two year old" instead of "when I was a two year old" would you still feel the same way or would you listen to her thoughts and opinions?
l always find it interesting that those without children couldn't possibly know anything about children according to those who are parents. Do these people expect their optometrist to wear glasses or their cardiologist to have a heart condition? No. There is a great comedian who said something along the lines of 'if you see a helicopter in a tree you don't need to be a pilot to know that someone fucked up'.

forthelifeofpomme · 14/10/2018 07:21

A colleague only talked about her (now adult) kids 'EleanOR' and 'OlivER'.. we knew every tiny little detail of their lives. The kids were actually utterly lovely and surprisingly well balanced considering the obsessive Mum.

Even so, whenever this woman launched into yet another detailed account of Eleanor's latest uni escapade, another colleague started up a toy music player every time she did it without saying a word. I loved his passive aggressiveness. The woman totally ignored it and carried on with her stories.

GreenMeerkat · 14/10/2018 07:25

My friend's DH used to do this constantly.

'I would never allow that...'
' If I ever have children they will be...'

Along those lines. Funny now he has a child his tune as somewhat changed.

Original poster
Shambalashawadeewadee · 14/10/2018 08:32

A tip for those who don’t have children but who are keen to offer advice on how to raise them. Unless you are some sort of super nanny expert with masses of experience, prepare yourself, your advice may not be welcomed.

‘Do these people expect their optometrist to wear glasses or their cardiologist to have a heart condition?’ Urm no. I expect them to have spent years becoming qualified in that field before offering advice.

The unwanted advice from the non-parent rarely comes with many years of full time professional study on the subject Hmm

OP posts:
Horsemad · 14/10/2018 08:33

Get on with your work and don't engage in conversation. You don't have to entertain it do you? People find ways of avoiding the office bore - if they want to

Unless you have to share an office with him... Hmm

OliviaBenson · 14/10/2018 08:59

Well thanks for your advice op Hmm

To be honest I don't think the problem here is your colleague, it's you.

IceRebel · 14/10/2018 09:10

A tip for those who don’t have children but who are keen to offer advice on how to raise them. Unless you are some sort of super nanny expert with masses of experience, prepare yourself, your advice may not be welcomed.

Sorry I had no idea that having a child makes you an expert. Hmm All children are different, so someone with children isn't necessarily any more knowledgeable than a person who doesn't.

AngeloMysterioso · 14/10/2018 10:07

I feel kind of sorry for this girl. She works in an environment where there are children, she has colleagues who have children, but when she has suggestions about what to do with children her colleagues shoot her down because she isn’t a mother and therefore couldn’t possibly have a fucking clue.

Glad I don’t work there.

ScreamingValenta · 14/10/2018 10:22

If there are children in the workplace I don't think it's unreasonable for her to take part in these conversations.

You say you don't agree with her advice - you only have to look at the threads here to see that people who are parents very often disagree with other parents' advice.

It does seem unreasonable to expect her to go into silent mode every time you talk about your children - or even worse, to be reduced to 'inane listener' mode, saying 'Oh, that's interesting' at intervals, without being allowed to express an opinion.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/10/2018 10:28

Let's hope she eventually learns the hard way!

I used to have a childless friend who was forever telling those of us with kids how to do it - if only we did X or Y, they would never misbehave.

She later went on to have her own, and my Schadenfreude knew no bounds when her first proved to be 'spirited' (aka an utter little sod) as a toddler - she once met me at the door frazzled and up to here, since he'd just taken a packet of frozen peas from the freezer and emptied them all over the kitchen floor. Grin

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