tiny niggles in books - do you have one?

[Lovestonap]

I was thinking today how much I hate it when events and speech in books don't match up. An example (I have made up rather than transcribed):

They ordered their coffee and sat down with it. Petunia took a sip

• 3 lines of dialogue follow -

Ben finished his coffee and stood up

"I'll say good bye then".

In real life drinking coffee with someone. particularly a friend or relation means lots and lots of conversations - even if there is the occasional pause. Usually takes at least 15 minutes. Are we meant to think they sat in silence apart from the 30 seconds of dialogue?!?

Clunky plot device which irritates me. I should probably stop overthinking these things......

Anyone else got anything that winds them up like this?

Can't remember the book but there was a casual reference to the male tortoiseshell cat sat on the wall. This tortoiseshell cats are all female (unless a very rare xxy abnormality).

@QueenOfTheAndals
No wonder the Male character is called Woody with all those voluptuous breasts....

As a book editor myself, I had to laugh at ‘handsomely paid’, though as another pp pointed out, we’re not bumping along on minimum wage either, thankfully.

Dan Brown is such a bad writer that it doesn’t even feel fair to include him in something like this! Loved the example upthread, the thing that really irritated me was very similar. It’s in The Lost Symbol (I think it was) where Langdon was in the US Congress with a sexy lady scientist and they find an eighteenth century manuscript they need to decipher. Lady Scientist says something like, my goodness, it’s written in absolute gibberish. Langdon says, that’s not gibberish... that’s Latin! AS IF a nuclear physicist, or whatever she was, would be unable to recognise Latin and call it gibberish! Gah!

I HATE the word 'padded'. As in 'Samantha padded into the bathroom'. It really irritates me and makes me angry. Why do people in books have to 'pad' into rooms? Why can't they just walk?

This made me laugh, I agree completely. Why do they pad! What is it supposed to convey to the reader?
I'm going back now to read the rest of the thread. I see loads of the things mentioned that annoy me.

Haven't read the whole thread but has anyone mentioned 'leaning in'? A lot of primarily American characters seem to do this when talking to each other.

I do like Ruth Galloway (though the plots often annoy). In one of the later books you sometimes 'see' Ruth through others' eyes as the knowledgeable and engaging person she is, and then have her own view of the same scene in which she assumes they'll just be staring at her sweaty face and podgy stomach.

QueenOfTheAndals that quote: "suddenly a hooter sounded"

Yes longwayoff it's such lazy misogyny - the victims are so often women, so often a sexual motive, women are so often portrayed as being either beautiful/exotic/highly sexed/combination of the above. Very much at arms length, other, unable to be understood by the straightforward lead man. Mind you more often than not the lead man is an alcoholic grumpy but sexy git who doesn't play by the rules (but will always come up with the goods) and pushes people who love him away.

I don't mind the tropes up to a point and I have a soft spot for Harry Hole and Rakel but it is a bit too well worn at times!!

I recently discovered the matilda darke police procedurals. She's a bit overweight and always trying to get fit but it's not the main thing about her. Interestingly, although she's good at her job she doesn't always make the right judgement call and screws up which is unusual for that genre.

Robert Galbraith aka J.K. Rowling and Strike's prosthetic limb. At no point during the 3 books I struggled through was I allowed to forget the 'hero' had lost his leg in Afghanistan. Not linked to the plot ever. Except when he needs to spend money on a taxi. Again.

When a character rolls her eyes for the 17th time in one chapter.

When everyone seems to fancy the main character but, it's not explained why.

When in Twilight New Moon when about 4 pages is just "December" "January"

This thread reminds me of the book 'How Not to Write a Novel', which is a really good read in its own right.

I hate books that get the level of detail wrong. So they miss out entire essential plot details in favour of repetitive tiny details.

I read a Lynda La Plante book recently where on every other bloody page she talked about someone “fixing a simple plate of sandwiches”. Every time a police officer would come over to take a statement or someone was questioned at the statement it was over a “simple sandwich”

Police officers drinking on duty (always a “stiff scotch”

Yes yes to conversations taking place over dinner and only having about 3 lines of dialogue before they’re finished

I’ve recently read two books about missing children where it turns out they’ve had abusive childhoods and so the teacher has ended up plotting to keep them, quitting school and taking them off somewhere. In both fucking book. How?!

I've read a couple of books where the story revolves around a bereaved mother going a bit mad and stealing someone else's child.

I know it's fiction, entertainment etc but it's a really lazy plotting device and struck me as just being very hurtful. It's never a father driven mad by grief of course. A bereaved father would just brood to himself and maybe have an affair. Whereas a mother, well of course the poor feeble women can't help themselves, they don't know what they're doing. Really quite offensive.

My pet hate which always occurs in chick lit, is the over use of adjectives, usually to describe a ‘perfect’ situation.

Ie. Tom and Geraldine went to the Picturesque restaurant on the Idyllic island. Their had a Delicious meal, consisting of Succulent, Juicy prawns, followed by Perfectly, grilled, steak, followed by Sublimed, chocolate gateaux, washed down with the Finest Italian rose, overlooking the picturesque quay, whilst watching the dramatic sunset.

Not sure whether I have described my niggle correctly. Basically, no meal, restaurant, holiday is ordernary.

Tom and Geraldine's room didn't really look like the brochure and their Juliet balcony looked on to the carpark. Having escaped the grubby hotel they crossed the 4-lane highway to follow the prom into the village. Loud common families spilled out of the "fish and chips" English restaurants lining the village thoroughfare and Geraldine couldn't help but notice Tom was paying more attention to the cup final on the giant screen at the back of Paddy's than he was to her. Finally Geraldine spotted a cosy looking taverna and cosy it was. The heat from the kitchen made Geraldine's Primark dress stick to her back and she could feel her hair getting clammy and sticking to her brow. The box wine was poured into a grubby glass and was almost as warm as the room itself.

Next morning Tom and Geraldine flew back to Luton and started the divorce process.

If I had my way it would be illegal for authors to use the words either 'sated' or 'spent' to describe the end of sex. Finished will do.

Therefore
"finally spent, Lydia lay back breathlessly in Geoffrey's arms and they fell asleep entwined..." would become

"Finished, Lydia put her nightie back on and picked up her kindle, sending Geoffrey off to the kitchen to make her a post-coital cup of tea"

If you want me to empathise with a character and buy the next book in the series, make me BELIEVE her!

Yep, I’d read that, Lovestonap!

Not quite as significant as most of these but I once read a book where the main character was making a cake whilst having a conversation with her brother. The conversation was important to the storyline, the cake-making was not but I just couldn’t believe when said cake turned out to be a tiramisu?!?!?! Tiramisu is not a cake. It didn’t matter a jot to the plot but I just couldn’t understand it - victoria sponge, lemon drizzle, red velvet... the possibilities for actual cakes that are cakes are endless. Why make a cake which isn’t even a cake?!?!?!

Urgh I couldn’t finish the book.

Yes, the mirror (or train window) thing. I don't know anyone who looks in a mirror and reflects on their cerulean eyes and raven mane. They look in the mirror and say "my hair's a mess".

I don't mind if the author doesn't describe a character's looks and leaves us to imagine them ourselves. But I hate it if the character's looks are then described near the end. Nooo, that's not what they look like! Illusion ruined.

Overuse of adverbs. "I'm fuming", he said angrily.

Characters who squeak, bleat, trill etc instead of talking.

I've read a couple of books where the story revolves around a bereaved mother going a bit mad and stealing someone else's child.

Hmm . . . I'm old enough to remember the days when people had big prams, not buggies, and you couldn't take them into shops, so babies were left outside. Distressingly frequently, it seemed, in my 60s/70s childhood, a baby would be taken. IIRC they were always thankfully found again but they usually turned out to have been taken by a bereaved mother, or one who had suffered miscarriages or infertility. You wouldn't hear of not being able to take a baby in a shop now, but smaller buggies, and buggy friendly shops, came about because of the above problem. Similarly the security on postnatal wards after a newborn baby was stolen by a woman came in in the mid/late 80s.

I read a book years ago where the lady was travelling along the coast near Minehead and could see the light of Lyme Regis flickering in the distance.
Now that's good eyesight!
Put it straight in the recycling bin.
A little research please.

Overuse of names is my pet hate.

I also hate when people 'select' things.

Does anyone 'select' a pair of shoes to wear, or just choose them?

I'm relieved to know that other people occasionally bin books, I thought it was just me, always accompanied by guilt - throwing a BOOK away! Got to though, sometimes the thought of other people having to read some of the guff that can find its way into print is too much to bear. I probably bin a couple a year. Is anyone even more intemperate?

I've only done it once. It was a modern book on how to look after your marriage after a baby. Contained tips such as learn how to give a really good blow jobs you don't have to have sex.

Oh also David Baddiel. Every book you've ever written has been about men who go off women simply because they age.

If I was Morwenna Banks I'd have twatted you in the face by now. Your misogyny is showing.