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Original poster

Daughter’s first week at nursery- sick with worry and guilt

31 replies

Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:35

Daughter just over 2.5 and started a couple of mornings at nursery this week. She is quite independent and has done really well so far. Speaks to and plays with other children and staff. But each time she has come out at the end of the session she has looked so sad and upset i thought something awful had happened even though it hadn’t- staff said she was fine. I know every parent will feel like this and obviously it will take her a while to settle in properly but I feel so sick with guilt. It is such a terrifying feeling giving care of my child over to somebody else. I am not sure if I have done the right thing really and just thought it might help to see if others felt like this to begin with. Although I trust the staff obviously and they all seem very nice, when I went in with her today to fill in some forms at the beginning of the session it took a few minutes for a member of staff to come and encourage her to sit at one of the tables. It was only when I started encouraging her to that they did so.

OP posts:
Wonderowl · 11/10/2018 20:38

I think at that age she will be fine. How many hours per week is she doing?

Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:39

Sorry, posted too early. It worried me basically thinking if they did that when I was there what would it be like when I wasn’t. Also on the settling in session, it seemed to be me encouraging her to do things and the staff just taking a back seat. I was taking her over to activities and encouraging the staff to do things with her. Also when I have picked her up, rung to find out how she is doing, I feel really rushed, like they don’t want to speak to me. Only ask a few things, not speaking for ages. On the first proper session I had to ask to speak to a member of staff at the end as they were just going to go home, obviously I wanted to know how she was doing!

OP posts:
seven201 · 11/10/2018 20:42

You say "I know every parent will feel like this". Actually I didn't. Yes I worried about her, but the list of benefits to the child is huge so I didn't feel guilty as such. Days when she has a cold but would be better off at home though - I feel very guilty about those days!

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Childcare & nursery Families
Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:44

Basically just wondering if this is normal or not from other parents with nursery experience? It is a preschool in a primary school with outstanding at ofsted and a really good reputation so I am not sure I am worrying just as parent would. She is toilet trained now but didn’t want to use the toilet there and eventually did after a lot of encouragement although there has been one accident. I think she has done really well in a lot of respects. I am just worrying because they said she was crying and tearful for an hour before I picked her up. Just thinking about her being there is making me feel sick. Have this feeling that I am not sure the nursery is right for her. I’m not sure really. Hoping some advice from others will help! Thank you

OP posts:
Wonderowl · 11/10/2018 20:44

May be your not comfortable with the nursery. You could change find a new one

Wonderowl · 11/10/2018 20:45

I thought 2.5 was to young for pre school.

Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:45

2 3 hour sessions. She has never been in that sort of environment before though. Has only spent time with a couple of children and always been with me or her dad.

OP posts:
Wonderowl · 11/10/2018 20:46

Is she in with the 4yos?

dontcallmelen · 11/10/2018 20:46

Aww OP, I feel for you my dgd (age 2.5) started nursery for two mornings a week just over a month ago, the first three weeks she cried when left & cried when we picked her up, all she said when we asked her what she did was “I cried & had a banana” but now she runs in without a backward glance & loves her teacher, who says she is mixing well has the hang of the nursery routine now & is really enjoying it.
So maybe give her a couple of more weeks to see if she settles in.
💐

Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:47

They accept from age 2.5 although a lot of the children are 3 and claiming the 15/30 free hours I think

OP posts:
dontcallmelen · 11/10/2018 20:50

Sorry xpost, hadn’t seen your other posts if you feel she is happy & you are not confident in the staff, then I would be evaluating the situation maybe looking at other childcare options or deferred start if that is possible/circumstances.

Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:51

Thanks. Will definitely give it a few weeks know it hasn’t been long yet. I was just a bit shocked as i am literally having to ask them to wait as I want to ask them about if she has been to the toilet, crying etc and what she has been playing with and they keep saying she’s fine and it’s only when I say I want to find out a bit more that they will stop to listen, even then they are rushing m and desperate to leave, understand they want to go for their lunch break obviously but surely most parents would want to speak for a minute or two?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 11/10/2018 20:51

Sounds like normal settling in. If she hasn’t spent much time with other children away from you, it is going to be different for her. Mine went to nursery ft fro me six months old and stayed at the same nursery until they started school. They are at Uni now but I have lovely memories of how much they enjoyed nursery and the range of activities they did.

dontcallmelen · 11/10/2018 20:51

Not happy

Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 20:54

I used to work in the same type of nursery myself about ten years a go and we always would find time to speak to parents even though we were very busy obviously. I’m just wondering if things have changed now and most preschools are like this? Was expecting that they would understand she has just started and is the youngest there so would want to know how she is. I feel like I don’t really know very much about what she has been doing which I am finding difficult as obviously when she is with me I always know what she has been doing

OP posts:
ParisNext · 11/10/2018 20:59

I empathise, but you should worry if she’s upset and refusing to go in rather than being tired on the way out. If it was awful she wouldn’t want to leave you. I had an experience of a similar style of nursery but my children wouldn’t let me leave them. I changed to a better setting. Give it some time but in the meantime you could always visit some alternatives if it helps. Good nurseries have a waiting list. Do push them for feedback and don’t be afraid to ask.

hmmwhatatodo · 11/10/2018 20:59

This isn’t private nursery, it’s school nursery and staff aren’t going to get into the habit of telling you every detail of what disband didn’t happen each day. Do you realise that the ‘just a few minutes’ of their dinner break can add up to quite a lot? They need that break, it’s probably the only one they get all day. You ring to see how she is getting on? Why?! You need to lay off. The staff would have been seeing how she was getting on in her settling in day and if you were being helicopter parent it probably wasn’t very helpful. Staff cannot be 1:1 with your child, school nursery is about gaining independence. If they gave just a ‘few’ minutes of their day to every parent they would have no dinner break left. It is quite normal for children to suddenly become sad at hometime and quite normal for them to have had a great day and then burst into tears at the sight of their parent arriving. The staff have lots of children to care for, it’s likely that some days they couldn’t give you a detailed account as to exactly when your daughter went to the toilet, cried, played with what exactly as they just won’t remember/ have noticed that she played with a train for 2 mins then went to the sand tray then cried etc. Back off and let her settle in. Give them a chance to get to know her and vice Versa and stop taking up their precious and much needed break!

Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 21:01

Explained to the staff about she would want help being held when using the toilet and when I spoke to them I picked her up today they gave the impression they were just telling her to go to the toilet on her own, which she didn’t want to as she is scared she is going to fall in. Not sure if it is because the older children use it on their own but I emphasised it many times that she would need encouragement and somebody to take her as otherwise she would hold it in or have an accident, so not sure why they haven’t done this really. She told me tonight she was crying on the toilet today, not sure if she was or she was confused....

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 21:04

Have always got there 5 minutes early to speak to staff as obviously wouldn’t expect them to use their break plus although it is in a primary school it is private nursery that I pay for as it is part of a partnership/group with a private nursery on the same road for babies/toddlers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamb16 · 11/10/2018 21:07

In terms of ringing, I rung once each time for a minute and the manager suggested I rung

OP posts:
hmmwhatatodo · 11/10/2018 21:26

You’re overly stressing yourself for no reason and your daughter will be picking up on it. You’re probably stressing the staff out too. Either accept that your daughter will be fine and you really don’t need to know every detail of her day or take her out and try again next year.

snowone · 11/10/2018 21:51

Sounds like you may have a little bit of separation anxiety - not your daughter. You chose the pre-school for good reason, trust your judgement and let them get on with their job. If you are worried your daughter is too young for the setting then move her to a 'nursery' until she is a bit older, although I'm sure she is absolutely fine. My DD has just started primary school, she is probably the youngest in her year and there is no time for pleasantries, the teacher has 30 children to hand over, she doesn't have time to speak to all of us. We will have to wait until parents evening to find out!!

EgremontRusset · 11/10/2018 21:57

She will be fine. You might want to consider more days - it’s easier to settle in when you’re going more often.

Momasita · 11/10/2018 22:52

Op I have only read your two posts about staff not being pro active and getting her in, owning the space, taking charge and making your dd feel welcome.

It's a huge bug bear of mine and I'm afraid I would be considering whether it's a good nursery.
To me it's a basic obvious minimum to take the lead and make-up the child feel welcome. Any good setting will be shit hot on stuff like this.
I feel this snacks of young bored girls not trained properly. Esp as your new.. Doesn't sound like anyone is making the effort for your dd and that's with you... The client there with the most precious person in the world with you, your dd.

How would you feel walking into any business and not being made to feel welcome?
Ignored at a bar? Walking into restaurants? Shoe shop? Wouldn't be good would it and yet this is 100 times more important as your trusting them with a small vulnerable child.

No from me. Big red flag.

Momasita · 11/10/2018 23:00

jamb

I have done a course recently on all of this and what your describing is the absolute opposite of professional proper practise it really is.

The staff should be 100 %aware of your needs, your dd needs and should absolutely be making sure they can talk to you to make sure your all settling in.
Working in partnership are the key buzz words right now, working with parents and building up good relations with them is key to successful transitions. They should be aware of this.

I'm astounded by some comments I've just glanced at. Op.. I would honestly start to have a look around other places... Keep her there for now if yiu have to but as I said, it doesn't sound like a good nursery at all and certainly going against training etc.

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