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Original poster

My daughters father has taken my daughter and is trying to get custody.

40 replies

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 19:00

Where do I start?

My DhD is 11 years old and I have been her main caregiver for the past 11 years. Myself and her father have had informal arrangements for contact and he has her every sunday and every other weekend. Just before the summer holidays at the end of July, he dropped my daughter home and told me my daughter wanted to live with him and he had filed papers. An argument ensued and he got verbaly aggressive and told me he was taking her. I tried to push him out of the way to get to my daughter but he prevented me and left. I thought it best not to follow and cause undue stress to my dd. The next day police turned up, he told them I assualted him. Completely untrue.

Went to court in August, he told them I was emotionally and psychologically abusive to my DD, and a plehtora of other lies. 3 months have passed and I have if I am lucky 2 hours a week with my daughter as he is insisting it is up to her. As you can imagine this is heart breaking and an extreme amount of responsibility being put on my DD. He lives quite a distance from me, so she has to be dropped off to his family members so she can attend high school. He is going for full custody and for him to change her school. As he lives such a distance from me, this would make it impossible for me to be involved in my DD day to day, her schooling, and would be the death of our relationship. What I need to know is, will he win? I just want my baby home she is all I care about.

OP posts:

AnonaMouse1 · 11/10/2018 19:03

Well you did assault him by pushing him!

What does your dd say/want?

Singlenotsingle · 11/10/2018 19:08

It's going to depend a lot on what DD wants. She's getting to the age where her wants and wishes will be listened to.

NotANotMan · 11/10/2018 19:10

Your daughter must be saying she wants to live with him I guess?

AnonaMouse1 · 11/10/2018 19:10

What did cafcass say?

itswinetime · 11/10/2018 19:13

Your dd is old enough to be asked for what her wishes are assuming the court think you a both capable of providing a safe home her wishes will the decider I think!

Had she said anything to you about what she wants?

PinkHeart5914 · 11/10/2018 19:13

Well I suppose technically you did assault him by pushing him.

The court just believed you were abusive, without any kind of evidence?

Is there any possibility your dd did say she wanted to love with her dad? She wouldn’t be the first nearly teen to do so

When you see your dd have you actually asked her honestly what she wants? Without trying to sway her one way or the other becuase her want should be the priority here

So what happened in court in August? Did they decide she would stay in her fathers care for now, if so I should think there is a massive chance he could get full custody tbh

Pebblesandfriends · 11/10/2018 19:14

If he gets custody could you move to be closer to her?

PeanutButterAndJamOnToast · 11/10/2018 19:14

What does your daughter say? Does she actually want to live with him? Has she said why?

And you did assault him if you pushed him btw.

confusedmomm · 11/10/2018 19:21

Where does she want to live ?

RhubarbTea · 11/10/2018 19:46

You haven't said anything about what she wants or why she might not want to live with you. Can you think of any reason why this might be the case?

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 20:02

Cafcass are still doing their investigations. My dd is in the top set in high school, her year 6 report was glowing and she obtained top marks in all of her exams. SS have stated they have zero concerns.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 11/10/2018 20:03

You've put your daughters name in your post.

Original poster

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 20:05

How do I delete?

OP posts:

Original poster

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 20:09

She has said she wants to live with him, when I asked why, she said because im overly enthusiastic and treat her like a baby. smh. The problem is, all of his family are around the corner from me and he works in my city. He wants to move her up by him, but he would completely depend on his gf's mother to look after DD whilst him and his gf are in work. She has always had complete open contact with her paternal gandmother, paternal aunt, uncle and cousins, thanks to my insistent on their relationship despite difficulties and if she was to move to his full time, she would lose that contact as well as contact with me. He has always been bit of a bully to me, verbally quite aggressive and dismissive but I never pursued anything as he was always good to my daughter so I would just put up with what he did to me. Now I am being completely alienated. He phoned the high school and had me moved to fourth in the emergency contact list, saying everything is up to my dd but she is 11. It is should not be up to an 11 year old to navigate their relationship with any parent and in my opinion is detrimental. He is defaming my character, lying about things and I have proof but I just miss my daughter. It would not be in her best interests to move with him. She would lose consistent family contact, her relationship with me also. Absolutely my daughters wants should be considered but the wants of a child should never come before what is best for them. I am just devastated.

OP posts:

Schuyler · 11/10/2018 21:10

I imagine you are devastated but she is old enough to have her wishes heard. That said, you clearly have limited contact with her. I do think she probably needs support to maintain her relationship with you. Can you pop over in an evening after school for a meal out or a fun activity?

Schuyler · 11/10/2018 21:11

How far away is she?

Original poster

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 21:27

Its about a 30 - 40 minute drive by car I believe. Unfortunately I dont drive. As he is insisting that it be up to my dd, if she says no its no. It is so unusual because here she was fine we had a lovely relationship and when she is with me we have so much fun and laughter the same as before but when she goes ack to him, she becomes almost dismissive on the phone, rude and at times disrespectful. Its the strangest thing.

OP posts:

Schuyler · 11/10/2018 21:38

Train? Bus? If that were my daughter, I’d try everything to keep the relationship going. I know you’re swimming against the tide but swim for your daughter.

Original poster

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 22:07

My concern, is that it isnt in her best interests. I will and would do anything for my daughter, move heaven and earth if need be as I have done, I am just concerned her living with her father may cater to short term happiness, but would effect her long term relationships. She has grown up her entire life where I reside, her friends, grandparents, aunt, cousins and uncle are just up the road and she sees them consistently. These relationships as you know are so important for any child not to mention I have raised her her entire life. I suppose I am just angry at the lies, the injustice of it all but most importantly her long term happiness, emotional and physical development and academic attainment. The courts have received no such proof that I am abusive in any way not from him or SC. It literally is her dad taking her, giving a list of lies on the C100 with no proof of any form to back up these appalling claims and applying for a child living arrangement order. When we went to court the first time, there was no judge available to dictate interim arrangements until a final decision could be met at a later court date, simply a person to mediate to try to get us to agree on arrangements which of course he wouldnt so I have been left in limbo.

OP posts:

RainbowsArePretty · 11/10/2018 22:23

An you learn to drive? Can you move closer and commute to work if she does remain with him?

Original poster

Yaboos · 11/10/2018 22:37

Financially I am unable to learn to drive at the moment or move. Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

OP posts:

pusspuss9 · 11/10/2018 23:17

I feel so sorry for you. I would be absolutely raging inside. You must feel so helpless. Hopefully the court will apply some common sense.

AnonaMouse1 · 11/10/2018 23:29

The courts won't be able to force her to stay with you unfortunately

If she wants to live at her Dads for now just go with it, or you will have an angry pre teen on your hands locked in a cycle of perhaps running back to Dad or being difficult at home

2 of mine thought the grass was greener.... it wasn't. They saw that and returned to me quite quickly ( they were a bit older though)

I bet she will do similiar

RhubarbTea · 12/10/2018 10:38

I agree with the poster above. rather than seeing it as a battle that you must win, can you work on repairing your relationship with her and having regular time just the two of you, so that your bond can strengthen? Try and give more headspace to her concerns as to why she doesn't want to live with you rather than dismissing them, or you may lose her trust altogether. I understand your frustration - I'd be desperate. What lies has your ex been spreading about you, and what do you mean that you have proof?

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