My daughters father has taken my daughter and is trying to get custody.

[Yaboos]

Where do I start?

My DhD is 11 years old and I have been her main caregiver for the past 11 years. Myself and her father have had informal arrangements for contact and he has her every sunday and every other weekend. Just before the summer holidays at the end of July, he dropped my daughter home and told me my daughter wanted to live with him and he had filed papers. An argument ensued and he got verbaly aggressive and told me he was taking her. I tried to push him out of the way to get to my daughter but he prevented me and left. I thought it best not to follow and cause undue stress to my dd. The next day police turned up, he told them I assualted him. Completely untrue.

Went to court in August, he told them I was emotionally and psychologically abusive to my DD, and a plehtora of other lies. 3 months have passed and I have if I am lucky 2 hours a week with my daughter as he is insisting it is up to her. As you can imagine this is heart breaking and an extreme amount of responsibility being put on my DD. He lives quite a distance from me, so she has to be dropped off to his family members so she can attend high school. He is going for full custody and for him to change her school. As he lives such a distance from me, this would make it impossible for me to be involved in my DD day to day, her schooling, and would be the death of our relationship. What I need to know is, will he win? I just want my baby home she is all I care about.

but he would completely depend on his gf's mother to look after DD whilst him and his gf are in work.

What work do they do? Lots of parents have extra childcare help to look after their DC while they work.

he told them I assualted him. Completely untrue

No. That is completely true and makes me wonder what else is not truthful in this account.

Allow me to elaborate. He told them I assaulted him by slapping and punching him which is completely untrue. I attempted to get passed him by pushing him to the side as I am sure anyone would do when someone is taking their child. I am asking for advice and reassurance, not another person who doubts my character and truth.

Hi plate, my concern is that she would be removed from her daily life of myself, grandparents, aunt, cousins etc that she has enjoyed for 11 years and is important for any childs long term development, and then looked after by his gf mother. This childcare would be dependent on the success of his relationship with his gf and would mean that she loses significant relationships and time that she has always had. Himself and his gf work where I live, so I just dont understand the want to move her to a school close to where he lives. The long term benefits do not outweigh the long term detriment, which is my main concern for my DD.

At 11 your daughter is able to have a big say in what happens in her life. And at this age she doesn’t really need that much child care, which you mention quite a lot, and makes me wonder if perhaps she does feel you smother her too much.

No, but someone to supervise as is legally required you know. A child doesnt understand the full implications of choices sometimes and it is up to us as parents to make decisions that benefit their physical, mental and emotional well-being so i feel I have to fight for her future and not only our relationship but all of the incredible relationships she has. I am being alienated as a parent by him. We had such an incredible relationship my dd and I and now, since hes taken her she is just a different child. I miss her. I have always encouraged her independance. Her last year of primary school she walked on her own as suggested by her dad etc and did basic chores such as putting clthes in machine etc. Even using the microwave. He has stated that she was given to much responsibility but now insists on her having the responsibility of dictating when and where she spends time with me. When she wanted nothing to do with her dad before, i encouraged their relationship and insisted she saw him as I understood, regardeless of his treatment of me, or difficulties, it was in her best interests to have her father in her life as an active participant. I am not being given the same respect. This situation is beyond painful. She is my baby. The love of my life. I cant stand by and see her torn from her friends, school, her family because the wants of a child are considered more important than what is best for her long term happiness and development. Im sorry I am just completely heart broken.

You only let her use the microwave at 11? And the walking to school was her Dad's suggestion so it really doesn't sound like you have fostered her independence. It's possible she does feel you are smothering her.

You can't dispute the fact you did assault him and no most adults wouldn't physically assault the father of their DC.

There's no specific legal age at which a child can be left alone, particularly for relatively short periods. www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone I'd expect that most 11yo could look after themselves between school ending and adult getting home from work - it's a couple of hours.

I moved to live with DF at around the same age. I don't think DM ever really understood TBH, though she came up with theories of her own they were never accurate. I was just always more of a daddy's girl, and my DM was never particularly maternal.

Make sure that, for your DD's sake, this doesn't become too much of an irreversible decision. She needs to know that she is always welcome to come back and live with you, but at that age a battle would have caused me to resist going back even more.

This will always be her home no matter what!

Sarah my child has been making her own breakast (cereal) since 6, microwave since 9-10 initially with supervision. Then of course the washing machine, expected to make her own bed, room etc. One of her dads complaints is I give her to much responsibility so no, definitely not smothering her in that extent. We live by very busy roads and 2 years ago she almost died from a viral infection so anxiety can be normal. She was actually one of very few kids in her year who walked herself to and from school. Youre right most perhaps wouldnt, but when your ex psychologically bullied you, belittled you, threatedned to take your child when you say a rare no to him taking your weekend yet again after begging him to stop organising things on your weekend and telling your dd before speaking with you, so then you are put into a horrible situation adn forced to say yes, any mum would try and stop someone taking their child. Of course you guys arent fully aware of everything so can only give advice, opinions, perseptions on the information given, but I assure you, my childs independence has always been promoted by myself.

Thank you for the link Avocado.

I also wonder what isn't being said.
Would a court really just agree that as dad refused to take dd back after his agreed access time that is OK and she can just live with him full time, given that OP was primary care giver?
A friend of mine left her dh and left her 9 Yr old with him, then several months later kept daughter after a weekend visit as my friend was worried exdh was not looking after dd.
Went to court after dd had been with my friend full time for four months and court ordered my friend to return dd to exdh as he was deemed to have been primary carer.

So story doesn't quite add up.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here OP. It's odd that an 11 year old is dictating where she lives. It's too young to make a truly informed decision Imo. Unfortunately I think the more you buck against this the more solidified the position will become. Your daughter will vote with her feet if she doesn't like the gf dm arrangements and misses you and her home town. Try not to be too heartbroken, she's maybe just being arsey and will hotfoot it back if you act calm and cheery.

Jelly, we havent had our final court hearing yet. At the moment he has put in a living arrangement order, we had our initial court date where they have a person to write down what our complaints are and spend 30 minutes with both parents in the hope an agreement can be made without continuing through the court process. We didnt agree. They did an initial cafcass report, police, social services checks as they do and showed no concerns of safeguarding for both parents and now we are awaiting cafcass to do a full section 7 and talk to daughter etc for our final hearing next month.

Jelly, that is what I am hoping happens. I understand and actively promote the parental rights of dads, but i dont understand how a dad can take a child from their primary home and police wouldnt do anything. I am just expected to wait all this time for the final court hearing.

Jelly I am sorry about your friend. That must have been very dificult for her. Hugs.