Funeral etiquette

[myohmywhatarainyday]

Didn’t know where to put this, so apologies if it’s in the wrong place.
It’s my DH grandads funeral next week.
I’m obv happy to go along with what he wants, but he’s said it’s tradition to meet the funeral car outside the deceased persons house and to drive behind it in your own car to the church or crematorium (about 30 minutes away in our case)
I thought that just the funeral cars did a procession. I’ve never seen random cars tagging along on the end before, although I may be wrong.
He’s not asked family about doing this, he just thinks it’s the way things are done and I don’t want to cause a big faux pas.
I’ve always driven to the church or crematorium first and met the hearse there when it arrived.
Is there a correct way?

I wouldn't go (and haven't gone) to the house. I didn't even for my parents or sibling but that might be unusual.

I have walked behind the hearse when it's been very local to the church.

At my Mums funeral a couple of years ago, not only did we have the procession of cars (all of us meeting up at Mums place), but the funeral director walked in front of the hearse until we got out of the village Mum lived in. Neighbours and local shopkeepers who were unable to attend, stood in the street to pay their respects. Whatever your DHs grandad wanted sounds fine to me

I’ve done it for the past two funerals I’ve been to. The cars following are just normal cars (other than the funeral cars, of course) so you probably wouldn’t notice it unless you were part of it. Im pretty sure the strangers who slotted themselves in the middle of our procession didn’t realise

All the funerals I remember from my youth, the cars all left from the house (ie when my GPS generation died). I haven't been to many funerals since but I did pass a procession the other day that included the hearse, two "funeral" cars and had a dozen other cars.

I don’t think his grandad specified.
But we would be following in our own car for 30 mins along dual carriageways, motorways and then normal roads.
So maybe closer to 50 minutes as the procession obviously goes slowly.
I just think it’s a bit odd to do this in a random Nissan micra at the back of a procession of limousines.
It’s not my choice, I’ll go along with what DH wants to do, but then surely you’ll have to find a parking space when you get there and you will probably enter the building after the coffin does?

In my culture all the funeral core party would gather at the house and follow the hearse. Traffic stops to allow all the cars through. But it really doesn't matter. It's not like anyone should be poiting fingers at your car if it's not local culture but just a thing his family do.

I’ve always met the hearse there.
Then stood and watched while the coffin was carried in and then people follow afterwards. I would find it odd to miss all of that because you are parking up somewhere.

I thought it was normal for close family and maybe friends to follow the funeral cars

We have done this at both my uncles funerals, (different sides of the family). The only problem i have found is that bumy the tume you have parked you can feel like you are late as the hearse is already there.

Very normal where I’m from - to the point that if you’re not planning to be a part of the procession from church to graveyard/crem you would deliberately drive a different route if possible. Not at all unusual to see processions of 20+ cars going along the dual carriageway to the graveyard

We've driven behind it to go from the church to the grave yard, but not to the church.

Me and my dad walked in front of the hearse for his mums funeral on the way to the grave yard. It was literally across the road from the church.

To be honest, you'd struggle to do something wrong for a funeral. It would have to be outrageous and I think very obvious that it's not correct.

I did this for my step mum's mum's funeral, at her request. It felt right to be with her at the house to support her before the funeral cars arrived (she has no children of her own), but the journey itself was a bit stressful. Other motorists were very respectful of the funeral cortege, letting the official black cars out at junctions etc, but they had no idea that we were following and so we fell behind. When we arrived at the crematorium the coffin and chief mourners were about to enter the church and we had to run across the car park to make it inside in time

So yes, I think it is fine (and nice) to be at the house beforehand, but just keep up on the drive!

This literally happened to me today. I was working in a town in the Outer Hebrides and when leaving was caught in a big queue of traffic. I had clocked the hearse outside the kirk an hour or so before and then realised I was probably in the cortège.

I was.

No one batted an eyelid. It was a load of differently coloured random cars and 4x4s.

This is my concern. That we would be separated and turn up late and be the last ones in or miss the start etc.
I think it’s nice to be there ready for when the hearse arrives to show your respects.

Oh god. It gets even more complicated. He said he’s going to follow the hearse until it gets on the motorway and then overtake it and be at the church before the hearse gets there.
Surely you don’t overtake it half way through?

Well I think you have to do whatever the family tradition is / want - whether you think it's the right thing or not is irrelevant as such things vary.

All the family funerals I’ve been to we’ve gone to the house and if it’s friends then straight to crem/church

When following the hearse etc all cars in the procession are supposed to have their hazard lights on so everyone else knows they are in the procession

Lots of people did this with one of my uncles funerals, mind you the hearse was motoring too along the motorway.

I've been in several processions from church to graveyard, and they wait for everyone to park before getting started on the burial. It's quite normal round here.

Can't comment on arrival at church though, as I'm Catholic and the coffin is brought to church the night before. It comes straight from the funeral home, and we meet it at the church, there's no procession at that point.

Sorry for your loss

Ok I’ll leave it up to him to decide.
As long as we aren’t committing a social faux pas either way.

Where I live, people put on their hazard lights to signify that they are part of a cortège, so other drivers let them pass.

I’ve always meet st the house for family and gone directly to the crew or church for friends

When my grandfather died there was a bit of a tado with his wife, but she was going to go directly to the crem. I asked the undertaker if we could meet at his place to follow the hearse- which we did and the undertakers also agreed to drive past the beach on the way 😌 which was special for me and grandad

For me it was important as my mum had pre deceased him and I knew she wouldn’t want his last trip alone

It was all a bit fraught with a 400 miles round trip in one day when the fuel strikes were on

Each family will have there own wishes & each to their own

It was my sisters funeral in the summer, we all meet at my parents house and followed the hearse. The undertaker stuck black flags on the top of all of our cars so we all looked like we were together. When we got to the church the car park was rammed (happily because sister was very popular and a regular church goer) so I sort of abandoned the car and thought no one could fuck with me. The hearse and the undertakers waited until all the family were there before they went into church.

I think it's reasonable for your DH and the funeral directors to agree exactly what will happen at the destination, eg to make sure that the principal mourners are all present before they unload the hearse. The funeral directors will be used to all sorts, but they definitely won't want you feeling rushed and stressed.