No Bare Bums on the Sofa

[AlecOrAlonzo]

I'm thinking of getting one of those family rules plaques. You know the sort of thing? Painted on a bit of drift wood or a battered bit of tin. Things that are really essential to my family. This is number one.

What other rules do I need?

No wanking into socks?

Piss in the toilet not around it or in it's general direction.

... But what about sofa sex?!

No floaters in the loo, please use the poo knife and fork

Don't you have sofa covers?

Toilets are for pissing in, not drinking glasses.

Mum is always right.

Don’t eat food that you find

We actually do have a ‘no bums on the carpet’ rule as the dc have a habit of rolling about while getting dressed.

'Empty the sodding tumble dryer'!
(Directed at the numerous adult children I have who leave it there for days)

A simple one in my house 'Flush' above the loo. My children seem to live by the if its yellow let it mellow rule. Trust me there is nothing fucking mellow about an evenings worth of stale piss from two teenage boys.
On the bright side my water bill is low..

Pick your fucking clothes up off the floor

Don't put empty packets back in the larder.

Don't put empty packets back in the larder.

Or the bloody freezer!

Don't set an alarm on Alexa 'for a joke'. 2.30am is not funny by anyone's book.

Don't put clean clothes in the washing basket because you can't be arsed fo fold or hang them back up

Pick up your own clothes
Don't leave clothes you've knocked down off shelves on the floor in the closet
Wipe your skids off the toilet bowl

I have two kids (3&4) but those rules are for the DH not for them

The only acceptable time to leave a dirty plate/mug/bowl on the side is if the dishwasher is both full and on.

Half full? Put it in the DW
Full, clean? Empty the DW then see above.

There is literally no capacity in my understanding for half full DW + plates on the side, or full clean dishwasher not being emptied and refilled. It takes seconds.

Every. Single. Day. It makes me want to weep with frustration.

If someone can sum this up into a snappy, one line rule I will actually have it tattooed on my body somewhere.

@CoperCabana POO KNIFE AND FORK WHAT IN THE NAME OF GREEK GODS IS THAT

That cannot be a thing. Surely. ?!

If it's on the bottom or top step it needs taking up or down.

You have an MA in engineering. It's not that difficult, is it now, hmmmmmmmm?

Don't use my coffee mug to make fucking slime.

Don't flush the cats down the toilet OR put them in the cooker OR washing machine.

No sticking bits of smushed up banana on the glass doors.

Stop telling the neighbours there is still a lollipop stuck to the car floor.

Put empty food packets in the bin
Stop eating all the food within 2 seconds of me bringing it into the house

I am dreading having 2 teenage boys

@sirmione16 don't fret - it's an internet legend. Google "poop knife". Or don't, your choice!

If you eat the last of the bread, but another loaf, ditto drink remaining milk. Empty the dishwasher, don't leave your wet clothes in the washing machine and don't leave wet towels on your bedroom floor. They are adults, I'm fed up!

Rule number 1: this family is not a democracy

Except for toilet paper, if you haven't previously consumed it - don't flush it!

We're on a septic tank . . .