Dreadful news about an estranged family member. WWYD?

[Bloomburger]

Long timer here, been around for about 16 years on and off but would prefer not to be recognised.

I've just found out my estranged brother has a terminal illness. That is all I know, no details, what it is.how long her has, where he is.

We have a very strange relationship. Our mother passed away when we were very young in tragic circumstances.

I have always been the black sheep, never really towed the party line, if you didn't fall in you faced the wrath of my father (my stepmother didn't really want us so was fucking evil all of the time). I didn't fall in, just didn't see why I had to subscribe to his views (which were nasty and hateful), but because I never fell in I was always made to feel second best to my brother who would have done anything my father wanted to be loved by him. My brother was also very volatile and was abusive to me both emotionally and physically.

I last spoke to my brother over 14 years ago. He reached out to me and used me to support him through a particularly difficult stage in his life then one day, over a very benign comment, told me he never wanted anything to do with me again and put the phone down. During the time I had been supporting him I was going through some very difficult issues myself and was suicidal at one point but he never really cared, its always been that his life has been so much harder than everyone elses. His life has been hard but its because of the choices he has made during it that it was difficult, choices he always blamed on the fact that his mother had died.

I've worked hard over the past 14 years to distance myself from the toxicity of my family and my children have never met their grandparents or my siblings (my father went on to have 3 more with the cowbag).

I didn't really react when the family member told me that he was dying, I do feel sorry for him, I don't love him, I hope that he doesn't feel too much pain but I really don't feel as though I want to make contact with him. I don't want the tentacles of all that I have tried so hard to leave behind to wend themselves into my new life and effect myself or my children.

Is that terrible, will I regret not going to see him? I think I would have preferred to have just ben told that they had already passed away so I didn't have a decision to make.

I think your thoughts are perfectly understandable. If you didn't want him to be part of your life (or rather he didn't want to be) when he was healthy then why should him dieing make a difference.?

What decision is that? Has he sent a message that he actually wants to reconcile with you or say goodbyes? Or expecting you to apologise? How do you know he wants to see or speak to you?

Why are you feeling guilty about this?

Sharing genes doesn't mean you have to like him or be concerned about him. I have a brother I've been expecting to die for 15+ years. I won't feel guilty when he finally goes.

I think that if you don't really want to reach out to him then you shouldn't.

He has treated you badly and initiated the estrangement even when you were trying to help him (and he showed no concern about your own problems). This is not a good person to have in your life.

If he reaches out to you then you can consider what to do next. If he doesn't then I think you can assume he does not want contact.

And maybe bear in mind that it's not always possible to be sure an illness is terminal... someone may have misunderstood or even been given misinformation. I've read some threads on here about estranged family members where this has happened... sometimes exaggerated health problems seem to be used as a way of sucking people back in.

I’m really sorry you’ve had such a difficult life 💐

I don’t think you have to ‘do’ anything. You made the difficult decision to go NC many years ago & have maintained that over the years. It’s not an easy thing to do & I don’t think you’ll do yourself any good getting re involved with any of them.

I know it’s difficult when it’s your ‘last chance’ to ‘sort things out’, but it’s highly unlikely to happen and much more likely to bring fresh pain.

What do you want? Do you want to see him / do you think you’ll regret it if you don’t? Has he expressed a wish to see you?

I certainly don’t think you should feel bad not seeing him unless it’s important to you. You are hoping he has peace and comfort in whatever time he has left and to me that sounds enough considering your history.

I don't think me knowing or not knowing even entered his head. My relative said they thought I should have the opportunity make a decision as if they didn't tell me I could then blame them for not telling me.

What a fucked up way to think. 🙄. Says it all about my family though.

You don't do anything.

You carry on as you were, estranged from your family. Day to day you had no knowledge of how any of them are or what they're up to so I really don't see why hearing this news should change anything.

We are all terminal. We all die.

If you're not there for each other in life then there's even less point in reconciliation for death. Absolutely none.

I wouldn’t try to sort anything out - you won’t.

But you must do the right thing for you and that might be to get in touch and say you were shocked and surprised to hear of his illness. You wish him well at this difficult time and are thinking of him and this around him, Yours etc.

Don’t leave the door open, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to too much guilt either.

I agree , carry on as you are , don't make contact , if you do who's to say that he won't make you feel bad or guilty over estranging yourself .

He's behaved badly , just because he may have a terminal illness doesn't take away from this fact.

Sorry, hard to read and formulate coherent replies.

I expected lots of people telling me that I was being selfish and hard hearted.

Although maybe I am but I feel that need to protect myself and my children and DH from being touched by the shitstorm that accompanies him, my father and stepmother.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was all exaggerated, it really is the sort of nasty thing he would do Lavenderbush.

I wish I didn't know, I wish I had just been told that he had passed away.

I can understand your feelings. I felt much the same when I found out that my sister was dying . Her ex had found out through the kids and he rang me " just in case I didn't know".

Like you I felt like I wished he hadn't told me. But once I knew, it was like I had to do something. I ended up writing her a letter which basically said that I wished our relationship had been different, and that I wished her well. She died a few weeks later - I've no idea if she ever read the letter and really, at that point it didn't matter. I didn't go to the funeral.

In your situation I'd do nothing, since your NC was pretty final and instigated by him.

I actually think your relative did the right thing, really the only thing they could do, in the circumstances. They gave YOU the choice how to deal with the information. I know that’s made it hard for you now, but I don’t think it would have been right for them to essentially decide for you.

None of us can tell you if you’ll regret not getting in touch with him, but to me, it doesn’t sound like you will. It sounds like you’d regret bringing them back into your lives far more. You say you’d rather have just been told afterwards, so it doesn’t sound like you’ve got ‘stuff’ you want to tell him or any hope of a positive experience. What would be the point/value in getting in touch, other than to show others that YOU ‘made the effort’? None that I can se, I’d prioritise keeping them out of my life over what someone else thinks of me.

I had a similar situation. I made efforts in the hope of some sort of reconciliation. It didnt happen. I just felt worse. I also think I made my dying relative feel worse too.

We are in a reverse position in that it's DH who is termailly ill and he has been NC with his sister for 13 years, he doesn't want to see her or have any contact with her, doesn't want her at his funeral, so I wouldn't give another thought, you are definitely not hard hearted or selfish and don't forget he made the decision not to talk to you, take care of yourself

I’m in a similar situation with my terminally ill estranged mother. She wrote to me telling me of her illness and saying she expected me to step up and help with hospital transport, etc. I didn’t respond.

You’re estranged for a reason. He sounds like he’s been cruel in the past to you. You owe him nothing.

It takes a lot of strength to leave an emotionally abusive family.
While you can be sad for him as a person. It's fair and right you put yourself, your dh and dc first in protecting them from the toxicity of the family.
Only you know what's best.
If your gut feeling is to not make contact trust that instinct.
If you think a reconciliation is possible then take that step.
Good luck

I get why the relative thought you should know. It's hard to think of how to compose a message like that.

I'm estranged from a family member and I think I would like to know any really major news, so long as no-one pressed for a reconciliation and let me deal with it in my own way.

Fivegomadindorset 💐, I'm incredibly grateful for your insight at what must be a difficult time, thank you so much.

Nicoandtheniners, do you feel that others will judge you? I think that's why I'm questioning my initial thoughts, I asked my next door neighbour and she looked pretty horrified that I was even thinking of staying NC.

I don't think there would be a reconciliation, I can't even imagine touching his hand, his physical presence makes me feel pretty sick. What do I say, we're all sad for those who are sick or dying, I think that would go without saying.

I also think he'd like the attention that I would be giving him and although I don't want to not see him to punish him I don't want to get sucked into anything.

I do really appreciate all of your views and experiences, it's very helpful.

I had been NC with my father for 6 years when he died .
I knew he was dying but didn’t go to the hospital to visit him and didn’t go to the funeral. I didn’t wish him ill, I just wasn’t interested in the slightest- it was like hearing about a complete stranger, I just thought “oh dear, I hope he didn’t suffer” and that was it
No regrets whatsoever

So update.

Sister has days to live and has expressed a wish to see me.

It was relayed through an uncle, to my DH.

I've said no, I have no interest in seeing her after 14 years, it would be like taking a knife and cutting open everything that's taken so many years to heal.

Now I am a disappointment 🤨. Not just to her but to aforementioned uncle.

Why do people think you have to gloss over the abuse and nastiness, that because you are related you have to ignore the fact that you've been abused and treated like shit for years??

Sorry to read your update, but I am a little confused as to whether it's your brother or your sister who is dying?

Sister.

Changed it in original post as thought could be too outing.

Now I'm rumbled!

Gosh I don't know what I would do.

In my head now I think if my mum pulled this request on me in her final days I wouldn't go.

But deep down I'm not sure. If she's really dying once she's dead she can no longer hurt or upset you. You wouldn't have anything to feel guilty about (not that you should feel guilty if you don't go, but some people might even if they know they shouldn't). What are you more likely to have regrets about.....going or not going? What if she wants to say sorry?