Dreadful news about an estranged family member. WWYD?

[Bloomburger]

Long timer here, been around for about 16 years on and off but would prefer not to be recognised.

I've just found out my estranged brother has a terminal illness. That is all I know, no details, what it is.how long her has, where he is.

We have a very strange relationship. Our mother passed away when we were very young in tragic circumstances.

I have always been the black sheep, never really towed the party line, if you didn't fall in you faced the wrath of my father (my stepmother didn't really want us so was fucking evil all of the time). I didn't fall in, just didn't see why I had to subscribe to his views (which were nasty and hateful), but because I never fell in I was always made to feel second best to my brother who would have done anything my father wanted to be loved by him. My brother was also very volatile and was abusive to me both emotionally and physically.

I last spoke to my brother over 14 years ago. He reached out to me and used me to support him through a particularly difficult stage in his life then one day, over a very benign comment, told me he never wanted anything to do with me again and put the phone down. During the time I had been supporting him I was going through some very difficult issues myself and was suicidal at one point but he never really cared, its always been that his life has been so much harder than everyone elses. His life has been hard but its because of the choices he has made during it that it was difficult, choices he always blamed on the fact that his mother had died.

I've worked hard over the past 14 years to distance myself from the toxicity of my family and my children have never met their grandparents or my siblings (my father went on to have 3 more with the cowbag).

I didn't really react when the family member told me that he was dying, I do feel sorry for him, I don't love him, I hope that he doesn't feel too much pain but I really don't feel as though I want to make contact with him. I don't want the tentacles of all that I have tried so hard to leave behind to wend themselves into my new life and effect myself or my children.

Is that terrible, will I regret not going to see him? I think I would have preferred to have just ben told that they had already passed away so I didn't have a decision to make.

People don't get it. They think that someone dying means you have to forget all deeds and words and play nice. Life isn't like that.

I am NC with a close family member and regardless of what anyone says, if they were dying I'd never want to see them. Some things are unforgiveable.

I’d tell the uncle that the feeling is mutual and you feel he’s a disappointment too. Wish him a merry Xmas and suggest next time he wishes to contact you, do it through the post because you don’t need his judgemental shite

She wouldn't be saying sorry, they're all so messed up that they don't think they've really done anything wrong. I can almost see her sitting there secretly thankful that although it's truly dreadful she's finally got us all just for her.

In the beginning there were protestations about not want our father or SM to know but apparently he's been driving her to her hospital appointments. Ironic that she's got what she wants from him by dying.

So I'm also worried that they'll creep back in too and I've worked so hard to keep them away from my children. Protecting them from the crap they dish out, the digs, the ultimatums, the comments, the hurt, the abuse.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. There is no rule saying you must love your blood relations - it just doesn't work that way sometimes. You have obviously stayed away for very good reasons and can't be blamed for that even though they might try. I don't think there would be a lot you could achieve in the time your sister has left to her either and would probably be incredibly stressful to you both and possibly quite futile. Maybe you could write a short letter to her and get your uncle to deliver? Or just leave it as it is.

Bloomburger - I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Difficult family relationships with me being the black sheep and living abroad. No contact for 15 years+ I was urged to see the person, it was dressed up as a last dying wish.
In the end I decided to give in ... just because I felt that I can show the rest of the family that no, I am not the evil person and I am perfectly happy without them!
Two things happen. One the person died 8hours before I arrived... so in the end this was a favour to me as I didn't really wanted to see this person. Like you I suffered lots of abuse.
Second, I was able to see one very elderly relative (I thought he had long since died), at the funeral... which made me the happiest person around.
I am now NC with the family again, and very happy with my choices.

I think you have to weigh up your options carefully, everything happens for a reason.

From your last post I wouldn't go.

That's a really good reply Purpleelk, I'm always the one who ends up disappointing everyone! Funny considering I'm the most successful in terms of my relationships, my career and my children.

For all those that did go and see their dying relatives after being NC has anyone actually been relieved that they went to see them and had closure?

Nicoandtheniners, I wouldn't be going because I want to go, I really don't, I'd be going because I was pressured into it.

I snapped at DH this morning as after the last time (when I started this thread) I told him I didn't want to hear anything about any of them ever again, I was cross that he didn't just tell my uncle that I'd already made my decision. I had to explain that it's like opening the door let's it all flood back and I need that door to stay firmly shut for my own sanity. DH has PTSD from an accident, I feel like my whole life gave me PTSD and I've worked so hard to get myself well, to realise I'm not the reason they were awful to me but that they were nasty nasty people who mistreated and abused me terrible.

Sorry rambling, feel like it's all crowding in on me again,

If I were you I'd see her. Not so much for her sake, but for yours. I think if you don't see her it will dwell with you, whereas if you see her it brings closure.

I was relieved to see the person in question dead ... attending the funeral was an unnecessary evil.
I definitely have closure and I was reminded why I am NC with this side of the family.
I think if you where to go, you need to make sure you are mentally strong and be able to have an escape route.Only you can know what is best for you.

I know what you mean about feeling like you have ptsd. After not hearing from my mother in years she wrote me a lengthy letter earlier this year and amongst other things told me she had cancer. Knocked me sideways for weeks.

Ylvamoon, I do wish they'd have told me once she'd passed away, I still wouldn't go to the funeral though. One more thing to add to the list of appalling things I've done, cutting my family out of my life, daring to get divorced, ignoring my sisters dying wish and not even bothering going to the funeral.

I wouldn't see her.
The difference it will make to her will be marginal at best. You will be hurt.
If you found out she had died suddenly, would you go to the funeral? If the answer is no, don't bother.

AJPTaylor no I wouldn't go to the funeral if she had died suddenly. I do wish I'd just been told after the event.

I am long term estranged from a close family member, I might go just to be sure the evil old so and so is really dead, then again I probably wouldnt be arsed and I'd just feel relief that they are no longer incarnate

I'd definitely feel like that about my stepmother, wish her a dreadful painful drawn out death.

I think I’d either go or send a card ánd sa says

Sorry you are going through this,
May you find peace.

And that would be for your ultimate peace of mind. Don’t go to the funeral.

I am long term estranged from family and some members I would definitely feel as you do. It’s like putting yourself (and by extension your kids) in harms way, for the sake of pleasing the people who have caused you serious emotional trauma.

You’ve said it yourself, you don’t want them back in your life, they’d be visited just through guilt. That’s no reason to allow yourself harm.
Please don’t feel too harshly to your husband though, I’m sure whatever you’ve said about the history to him has gone in, it’s just that he didn’t want you to hate him later for not giving you that option.

Why should your Christmas be spoiled? Why should you let them back in to shit all over you again? No. Your sisters life choices have led to the breakdown of the relationship between you. You did nothing wrong here. Nothing. Remember that, okay? You have done so well to repair the damage that the people related to you caused.

One last thing. You visiting wouldn’t save her life. It wouldn’t take away any pain, or make anything better. All you need to focus on is your family- your dh, your kids and your friends who are your family.

You visiting wouldn’t save her life. It wouldn’t take away any pain, or make anything better. All you need to focus on is your family- your dh, your kids and your friends who are your family. 

^^

This...but I'd also add that visiting would have the potential to cause you and your family hurt and pain.

It's been 14 years - if your sister was truly interested in reconciling then this wasn't the time imho.

UPDATE

She's dead! Found out yesterday, she passed away at the end of last year. Weirdly my family who interfered and wanted up to 'reconnect' told me about their dog dying but not my sister.

I don't feel anything though. Is that weird?

I found out my estranged father had terminal cancer. I decided that that fact didn't change any of the reasons I had gone no contact with him.

I wondered if I would regret it but when he died I only felt relief to be honest....basically relief that I no longer had to think about the fact we were no contact because he didn't exist any more (not sure if that last bit will make sense to anyone else but that's how I felt).

I'm sorry for your loss but no I don't think it's weird that you don't feel anything.

Be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for anything.

I just read your update. No, it's not weird.

It is what it is. People who haven't had long term estrangement due to abusive behaviour may not understand but that doesn't make it weird. It's logical in the circumstances.

Just read the thread and only realised it was an old one at the end. For what it's worth now, I'd have said stay away. We are NC with sil and would not want to be put in a position where anyone would pressure us to see her ever again. At least now you know it was the right decision for you as you have no feelings on the matter and you have spared yourself the wrath of other family members.

Thanks guys. I do think sometimes that maybe I'm just devoid of some emotions due to my upbringing.

Sort of able to fight for you and be there for you but if you cross me or reject me I'm quite happy to cut you off completely and not have a second thought about it.

Does anyone else feel their abusive past has made them like this?

Is it just a self protective instinct?