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Original poster

I so disappointed in ds :-( not sure how to deal with it....

40 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 14:55

He's been out to play with a couple of friends one being a girl who's a bit bigger then him, he's small for his age. Anyway he's come in sheepish and I've asked what's wrong and if he's fallen out. Eventually he said they were playing football and he does take it quite seriously and she accused him of pushing when he was just tackling. Any way he said he wasn't pushing and was tackling so she apparently pushed him and he then retaliated and pushed her back and she's fallen on the ground and started crying. He said sorry and said he has texted her sorry and has come straight home so I think he feels a bit ashamed.
It's no excuse but he also had a very late night and early football match this morning so I know he's tired and short tempered anyway. But I'm so disappointed that he has lost his temper and didn't walk away. He's 10 by the way. How do I handle this?

OP posts:

Orlande · 06/10/2018 14:59

Sounds like he has already dealt with it
I wouldn't get too over-involved in your child's friendships.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 06/10/2018 15:01

You don’t. He’s handled it already. It’s not ideal and you can let him know you aren’t happy with that but he realised straight away his wrong doing and feels sheepish. I think you should leave it there.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 06/10/2018 15:03

I think the fact that he's realised he shouldn't have retaliated is proof that he's a son you should be proud of. He's 10, made a mistake and owned it. Tell him so.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 06/10/2018 15:03

Perhaps have a chat about how he needs to be less competitive- a kick about with his mates is not the same as playing a proper match for a club, the point is to have fun, not to win and there’s no need for the aggressive tackling. Also mention how as he gets older, pushing and shoving a girl will be perceived very differently than if the altercation were with one of his male friends. But by your account he didn’t start the argument, the girl shoved him first, he feels bad and he’s already apologised- he’s handled it very well and he sounds like a good kid.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 06/10/2018 15:04

Would you feel the same if the friend he had pushed had been a boy? I’m a domestic abuse survivor, and have always taught my boys that a man should never hit a woman, but I do think (with the logical part of my brain) that with pre pubescent children that it’s slightly different. Emotionally I think I would still react though.

SkintAsASkintThing · 06/10/2018 15:08

The girl pushed him first, what exactly do you think he's done wrong ??

Most mature adults would struggle not to react if they were assaulted, it's expecting too much to expect a child to give the ideal, adult response. Tell him to walk away next time and leave it at that.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 15:11

This is the thing without being there I can't say whether he was being aggressive tackling as both are competitive and she's actually bigger then him. So on one hand I don't want him pushed about by either girls or boys but on other the fact he pushed her in anger made me worry that he lost control to push her that hard and it really surprised me as he normally is very gentle. They see each other every day also as walking to school together so wondering if they are becoming over familiar and bickering more.

OP posts:

SkintAsASkintThing · 06/10/2018 15:12

And what's the thoughts about the girl who is not only bigger but behaved aggressively and is now being treated as a victim ?? confused

lovetherisingsun · 06/10/2018 15:14

Don't worry about it. He's apologised to her, leave it atthat. He seems honestly contrite.

Flyingpompom · 06/10/2018 15:14

They're just kids. She pushed him first. He's sorry, and has apologised, unprompted.
They'll sort it out. Don't worry.

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/10/2018 15:14

This sounds like .... not as much of a big deal as you’re making it into ?
Not sure why you’re fretting so much. He realises he’s done something wrong, he’s apologised, he’s walked away. What’s the problem here exactly ?

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 15:17

Well according to the girl he was pushing first? If she really is so much bigger she could have easily put him on his backside and didn’t and he must have given her a decent push to knock her over so I do think he’s done wrong.
However if it’s a one off I’d let it go if he genuinely feels remorseful and has apologised. If it happened again there would be consequences.

Argonauts · 06/10/2018 15:17

Would you be as worried about this if it was a bigger boy he had pushed in the same circumstances?

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 15:19

I'm not trying to make it into a big deal I just wish he had walked away and probably feeling horried that the girl has told her mum that my son has pushed her. Even his male friend said to him you shouldn't do that!! I guess I'm just worrying as a mother of sons I want to ensure they are respectful.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 06/10/2018 15:25

They are kids being kids. He realised his mistake, owned up to it and apologised.

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 15:25

And without seeing there is no way you can be sure your ds was ‘just tackling’. Was he possibly getting annoyed playing a bigger child who was maybe getting more of the ball and pushing out of frustration? You said he was tired....
I wouldn’t be too hard on your son but I wouldn’t be so keen to blame the girl either or make excuses about tiredness or her being bigger. If she’d have wanted to hurt him she probably could have but she was the one who was hurt. I know the temptation is to think your child has done no wrong and I think your title and op has been worded to get a ‘you should be pleased he was sticking up for himself response’ but he’s injured someone in anger and possibly started the altercation as well.

SkintAsASkintThing · 06/10/2018 15:38

PorkFlute* tackling etc is part of playing football.

If the girl had an issue with being tackled whilst playing football then she shouldn't have been playing it.

Either ways, the ops son really hasn't done anything wrong.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/10/2018 15:42

Learning how to resolve disagreements is all part of growing up and he sounds like he is dealing with it just fine.

FallenIvy · 06/10/2018 15:44

I just wish he had walked away and probably feeling horried that the girl has told her mum that my son has pushed her

Seriously, don't overthink it. Sometimes my DD has come in and told me one of the boys out playing has pushed her or some such thing. I don't tend to get involved, it's usually forgotten about in half and hour and they sort it out themselves. As long as they're not purposefully hurting each other and beating each other up then let it go.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 15:45

Umm I don't think that's the cast at all Pork!!! Both children are lovely and its out of character for both hence why I'm wondering why it's happened and trying to stay impatial. Like I said she pushed him and he has just said he fell over which I didn't know until now and then he's retaliated. I'm dispointed in this and the force he might have used to knock he over especially if he's lost his temper. But yes I'm glad he apologised and feels remorseful. I'm still upset though as they are good friends.
The thing is I've been brought up in the sense you don't hit girls etc, etc but my dilemma is I've seen girls when I was at school fully punch or kick boys and they never retaliated and stood and took it and that's what I don't want. Not saying this girl would as I do adore her I'm just trying to say both were wrong but he shouldn't have lost control like he did.

OP posts:

FallenIvy · 06/10/2018 15:48

but he’s injured someone in anger and possibly started the altercation as well

There was no injury mentioned by the OP. I think it was just a bit of pushing and the girl fell down.

PinkHeart5914 · 06/10/2018 15:51

Why so disappointed?

His a child and sometimes they do things wrong but fair play to the kid he knew he’d done wrong, he apologised, he also told you. Tbh I’d be proud of the way he dealt with it

Imo if you push someone then there is a good chance your get pushed back. Also tackling is kind of art of football so if the other kid doesn’t like being tackled maybe they need to find a new sport.......

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 15:51

I'm going to deviate from the other responses. She may have pushed him, but she's bigger and he didn't fall over, so this would indicate he pushed her much harder and he made her cry, the fact his friend has also stepped in to say he shouldn't have done it would indicate this was quite aggresivel, as does his sheepishness, and possibly his attempt to justify it.

I woild actually have a word with him about hitting girls. I don't care if that's sexist. But bottom line is if he gets older and does this, he's going to be in a lot of trouble.

As we all know, it's one thing having a fight with a same sex mate, it's a whole other thing when you are physically abusive to a female. His actions to her were not the same, she may have pushed him, but he retaliated much harder.

So talk to him, if his father is on the scene, have him reinforce the message.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 16:23

When I spoke the second time he said he had also fallen over, that I wasn’t aware of so wondering whether if that’s why it got heated and he retaliated as he’s never down it before not even to a boy. It’s so difficult without being there. I have spoke about it to him about not hitting or pushing girls and to walk away if he can. I will speak to him tomorrow again once he’s calmed down as he’s quite upset about the whole situation. I hope they can sort it out :-(

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2018 16:34

He's 10. I don't think you should be disappointed in him, because he was treating her just like any other friend - and he apologised when he made her cry.

I understand what you mean about the "boys shouldn't hit girls" thing, but I think that should translate to "no one should hit anyone else" regardless of sex. I agree that there are some girls who take full advantage of the idea that boys shouldn't hit them (talking primary age here - things start to get more complicated as they get older) and use it to get away with hitting the boys without any comeback.

It makes more sense after puberty, when boys have put on more muscle mass and can do a heap more damage than most girls. But they should all be encouraged to resolve matters without resorting to physical means.

Hopefully the girl will have realised that she too is at fault, and that she shouldn't go around hitting/pushing over boys who are smaller than her either.

I'm sorry that your boy is sad about it, but hopefully his apology and text will help.

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