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Original poster

I so disappointed in ds :-( not sure how to deal with it....

40 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 14:55

He's been out to play with a couple of friends one being a girl who's a bit bigger then him, he's small for his age. Anyway he's come in sheepish and I've asked what's wrong and if he's fallen out. Eventually he said they were playing football and he does take it quite seriously and she accused him of pushing when he was just tackling. Any way he said he wasn't pushing and was tackling so she apparently pushed him and he then retaliated and pushed her back and she's fallen on the ground and started crying. He said sorry and said he has texted her sorry and has come straight home so I think he feels a bit ashamed.
It's no excuse but he also had a very late night and early football match this morning so I know he's tired and short tempered anyway. But I'm so disappointed that he has lost his temper and didn't walk away. He's 10 by the way. How do I handle this?

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 06/10/2018 16:35

Child pushed child.

Child pushed child back.

The better of the 2 is the one who realised it wasn't appropriate behaviour and apologised.

PavlovaFaith · 06/10/2018 16:43

This ^

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 16:47

Yeah, I'm not sure about the better of the two there, for the simple reason the other boy stepped in and told the ops son he was wrong to do what he did. It does not seem he said it to the girl.

I'm also very aware it's human nature to mitigate ones own actions, well she hit me first, kind of thing, as a way to make yourself look less bad.

But agree he knows he did wrong, but it's better for a parent to re enforce that in these circumstances than to say, ah you're a good lad, you might have hit her, but hey you apologised.

For me that's the wrong message.

Goldmandra · 06/10/2018 16:56

It sounds like both children got a bit competitive and behaved inappropriately. You will never know the subtleties of the altercations because you weren't watching.

A key skill for children of this age is disagreement resolution. Your DS has started this by apologising which is great. Hopefully, if all the adults stay out of it, they will friends again by this time tomorrow and it will all be forgotten, barring the lessons they have learned.

We all make mistakes. All that really matters is that we learn from them.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 06/10/2018 17:03

I don't see that he's done anything horribly wrong. I would be proud of him at his age for realising his wrong doing and apologising. I hope the other child has apologised too? I don't see their genders as particularly relevant given their age and situation.

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 17:24

Yes tackling is part of playing football but my son plays and I certainly see quite a bit of pushing off the ball that isn’t part of the game. The ops ds said he was ‘just tackling’ but that is his account.
The thread title is so over the top towards your son it does just seem to be inviting people to say he hasn’t done anything wrong.
The truth is no-one knows what happened but your son and his friend. The friend was the one who went home crying though so I think it’s fair to say they bore the brunt of the aggression (awaits drip feed that the friend is a drama queen who cries at the drop of a hat to go with the drip feed about the ops son now being pushed over first).

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 18:27

Oh goodness how did you guess Pork you know me so well!!! I think the only drama queen on here is you!

I am actually quite fond of the girl which is why it’s even more upsetting!! Both of them are good kids!!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 22:03

I would be proud of him at his age for realising his wrong doing and apologising. I hope the other child has apologised too? I don't see their genders as particularly relevant given their age and situation

I genuinely have a different view. If my husband punched my face, I wouldn't have the view if he saw his wrong doing and apologised I would be proud of him. And I wouldn't with a ten year old either, I also wouldn't concern myself about how other kids behaved, for me it would solely be about my child. The other parents could deal with their own.

I don't think a ten year old gets off with it. A four year old, sure, but not ten. And I think telling a ten year old lad, you're proud of him for hurting a girl and recognising it's wrong and apologising, leads to a potential life time of hitting girls in anger, recognising it's wrong and apologising. Isn't that thr classic abuser story?

Because, hey, when he was ten and hurt that first girl, his mum said " son I'm proud of you, you may have physically hurt her and made her cry, but least you saw it was wrong and said sorry".

KnittingSister · 06/10/2018 22:17

I would suggest asking DS if he would do anything differently in future so he can try and work out his own strategies. Also ask him how he thinks she feels now and how she might act in future. Help him work it through for himself.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 06/10/2018 22:18

I’ve definitely not said I’m proud of him and I’ve told him straight you do not retaliate especially with a girl, if you have the option of walking away. I’m still quite shocked as he has never been like this only with his brother. And yes I can’t really comment on her actions as I’m more concerned about my sons which is why I’ve asked for advice on here 😞

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 06/10/2018 23:10

Playground spats. I don’t leave we’ll alone and not over react.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 07/10/2018 16:55

Bluntness That's quite a masterpiece of twisted words and inappropriate comparisons. Not to mention exaggeration and embellishment. You should write for one of the rags.

FallenIvy · 07/10/2018 18:20

Bluntness That's quite a masterpiece of twisted words and inappropriate comparisons. Not to mention exaggeration and embellishment. You should write for one of the rags

Pretty standard for Bluntness100

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 07/10/2018 18:28

I think you are right to be talking to him about how he can choose to behave next time he's in this sort of scenario. It takes practice to be able to walk away so he'll fail a few times but with your reinforcement I'm sure he'll get there as a young adult if not before and then you can be proud when he comes home saying he walked away.

Telling him at his age it's OK to retaliate or use physical force against a person/animal to communicate feelings as you long as you apologise after would be shit parenting. But you haven't done that!

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/10/2018 18:30

I guess I'm just worrying as a mother of sons I want to ensure they are respectful

Respectful doesn’t mean accepting being assaulted. Ever.

It means not starting physical altercations, which in this instance he didn’t.

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