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Original poster

Staying out all night

68 replies

Ribbon86 · 06/10/2018 14:38

Hey I’m new to all this feeling a bit low .
Been married 4 years together 13 not got on for a while , biggest problem is he feels it’s ok to go a night out and stay out all night usually with his drug taking mates and their girlfriends is it just me or is this unacceptable , we have 3 kids x

OP posts:

Squeegle · 07/10/2018 09:26

Ribbon, do you think you can work on a plan to separate? Is there anywhere you could go?

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2018 09:29

He is awful. Throw him out.

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 10:35

He’s literally just appeared home , showing me texts to prove who he was with etc and where he was . I think I’m passed caring tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 10:40

We’ve been to counselling before but he sat there lying looking like the nicest man in the world so it didn’t work he couldn’t be honest , he wouldn’t want anyone to think he was an arsehole. I’m completely different I was honest and didn’t care what she thought at the end of the day no one can tell you how to feel and that’s what he tries to do by telling me I talk shit all the time

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2018 10:41

Did you ask to see messages or did he just show you them out of the blue?

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 10:44

He came home and explained how he was in his m8s house watching the boxing ( I seen in the paper it didn’t start till like 5 ish ) then sat up drinking and cane home , I didn’t say much I think he thinks I don’t believe him so then he showed me a group message between him and his mates

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 07/10/2018 10:59

What time did he go out last night?

The way he speaks to you is enough for you to leave. You are upset and crying because you know he doesn't care for you.

He is selfish and unlikely to change. It isn't you, men like him never respect anyone, in the longterm, especially women.He doesn't want to hear how you feel so he argues m/calls you controlling to shut you down.

I genuinely think you would be better off long term, single. If you know how much he earns can you check how much would be paid via CMS?
If you suspect he is vindictive then plan your leaving before telling him.

I assume you are similar age to him? If so you are so young and still can have 50 years with a better person.

I know it's sad as he is throwing away a family but it is his choice.

Btw, its classic behaviour for him to treat you badly but be super nice infront of others. It shows he knows how to behave better but refuses to treat you well.
Once you understand the dynamic of abusive men then you will know its not you and you didn't cause this.

MadeForThis · 07/10/2018 11:05

He has no respect for you.
You deserve better.
Your dc are watching this.
Show them that this isn't how relationships should be.
The partying is bad enough. I'd probably prefer he stayed out especially if he was taking drugs.

His general attitude towards you is disgusting.

AhNowTed · 07/10/2018 11:12

There is a LOT more to this than him staying out.

Quite simply, he doesn't give a fuck about you or the kids.

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 11:16

@lifebegins50 I think he went out around 7pm I wasn’t home I had left early that morning as I’d had enough
He arranged for 2 of our daughters to stay at his dads but my 13 year old came home from a party to our house which meant I had no choice but to come home otherwise she wouldn’t have got in , this always happens if he walks out when I plan a night out usually I cancel as I have no choice but he walks out for his night out regardless knowing I’ll be here for the kids if needed

OP posts:

PillowOfSociety · 07/10/2018 11:25

OP, he is emotionally abusing you. The making it all your fault, accusing you of being controlling and especially the stunt over the lift to the dentist. Really abusive.

He is also exploiting your Mum. Why should your mum babysit his kids while he makes time for himself after work?

You have a supportive mum who gives practical support. Check out what your finances would look like as a single parent (take into account Council Tax reduction, the food he won’t be eating etc, and get rid of him.

Is the house in joint names?

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 11:40

PillowOfSociety My mum is great with the kids always puts them first unlike his mum who doesn’t see them for months in end ( kids don’t bother tho they don’t even call her gran ) he can’t see that he’s doing wrong by not letting my mum know he’s running late . Yeah it’s s joint mortgage I love my house and would never give it up but I doubt he’d sign it over to me plus I’m not in a position to buy him out

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 07/10/2018 11:50

Thought so! Why go out at 7pm for a late boxing match.He could have stayed home til later.

Finances will always get worked out so please don't let that hold you back.

Start a journal, set boundaries and when he is rude to you, say "please don't speak to me like that".
Abusive men will try to provoke you so that they can then say you are controlling or crazy.
It works as you start to feel responsible.

I am so sorry, you sound a lovely mum and don't deserve him.
What is his relationship with his daughters?

PillowOfSociety · 07/10/2018 12:01

In your shoes I would go and see a lawyer. With 3 kids needing a home you may not need to buy him out.

Can you live like this and have your kids see him behave like this for the sake of a house?

He isn’t behaving like a married man, keeping money to himself while you go without. It is supposed to be family money. He is financially abusuve.

Your Mum could be using her help to support YOU rather than allowing him yet more selfish time. Bet he isn’t ‘stuck in traffic ‘. Bet he is watching sport/ gaming/ just can’t be arsed with the tea time parenting.

Also it’s too much to expect if your 13 year old for her to care for the younger ones because he is out enjoying himself.

Knowledge is power: see a lawyer, check out your finances.

user1467718508 · 07/10/2018 12:09

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 12:14

lifebegins50 I do
Tend to write things down as there’s been several times he denies doing or saying stuff when I know he had then I doubt myself and think I’m nuts which is probably his plan to make me feel this way .
He’s happy for the kids to play on phones etc were as i feel guilty if I don’t do things so I try to do right even if it is just a walk to the local shops . The gym and football comes first even on weekends , I work all week and look forward to family time but sometimes it’s hard as I don’t drive and the weathers usually miserable

OP posts:

beeefcake · 07/10/2018 12:20

The staying out all night is a symptom not the cause.

He has no respect or appreciation for you, that's the cause. I honestly think this is an LTB situation, you have to ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship? What is the point?

Original poster

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 12:27

I ask myself that quite a lot I guess it’s just habit and the fact I know I’m trying my best for the kids that I just keep going in the hope it’ll get better . I enjoy family life I don’t drink unless it’s a planned night out and much prefer doing the gardening and stuff it sounds a bit sad considering im only 31 but I do.i think that’s why I get so upset because he’s not like me

OP posts:

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