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Original poster

My dad just died,when does it start to get better?

48 replies

Bi11yButton · 03/10/2018 03:19

It was sudden and feels so cruel. Don't feel I can ever enjoy anything again. Worried about my mum,don't want the rest of her life to be hard. They had a lovely life and grew up together. Really regret not spending enough quality time with them/ him in recent years. Just want him back.

OP posts:

DinoDansMum · 03/10/2018 03:29

I lost my Dad a few years ago. I was pregnant with my first and although he was ill for a short while it was still a shock. I get the regret about not spending time with him, but I look at it that he knew I had my own life and that meant he had done his job well, which was a comfort to him. Your mum will find a way. For me, I worried that I felt numb for a long time, but I see now that it meant I was able to deal with the baby and the sadness that he would not live to see it. Eventually the raw feeling came but then it went. My heart goes out to you, but it really does get easier. I miss him everyday and I still chat to him. Not the same, but it is ok and it will be for you.

PinkFluffyFairy · 03/10/2018 04:03

Sorry to hear about your lovely dad.

I've been there. It's hard. My mum struggles without him but she finds a way. So will your mum, and you, but it takes time.

I have regrets too. I would say everyone has. It is, what it is. I'm 100% sure your Dad knew how much he meant to you and loved you regardless right back.

Beauteafully · 03/10/2018 04:21

I lost my dad in July. I'm here if you want to talk. Your words are exactly the same as how I feel/felt.

seasidegAl2018 · 03/10/2018 04:53

I lost my dad in April when I was 8 months pregnant. He had bone cancer with a prognosis of 5 years. However he died of DVT unexpectedly.

I have never felt such pain. It doesn't get easier but I think you get better at dealing with it. I went through lots of emotions, even anger at him for maybe not moving enough hence the DVT.

I have regrets but focus on the last time I saw him which was a lovely weekend. I wish he had met my daughter. We are burying him and my gran this weekend.

Remember to cry and talk about it. Don't bottle it up.

whatonearthmother · 03/10/2018 05:19

I lost my dad two weeks ago and am in the feeling numb stage, relief for him as he is no longer in pain but just feel the loss

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 03/10/2018 06:03

Thank you so much. My dad fell down the stairs and broke his neck,he had a bleed on the brain too and loss of oxygen damage. My partner did CPR. He'd picked me up from work just six hours earlier as we had car issues,he was always there to help if necessary. I kissed him and told him I loved him when he was in the coma and after but it's not enough. He wouldn't have heard me as I could barely whisper and they said he wouldn't. Went from numbness at being told there was no hope to continuously crying,just silently. My eyes are swollen,I'm amazed I can make any more tears. I can't sleep and don't want food although I had a bit last night. Feels like my life as I knew it is gone for ever,every time I remember him in my dreams I wake up with a start. Don't want my mum or children suffering like this but I know they are. He lived down the road,everything everywhere reminds me of him. We were always rushing about as both work fulltime. Why didn't I make more time for them recently? Kicking myself so hard. Will do everything I can to make mum's life enjoyable but will it be enough?Just feel sick at her loss,they got together at 17 and married not many years after. He and I don't/ didn't show emotion well. I know he loved me but feel so worried he didn't know I loved him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 03/10/2018 06:10

Beauteafully how are you feeling now?

OP posts:

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 03/10/2018 06:20

Oh sweetheart I lost my dad two years ago in July. And although right now it feels like it won't get better, it does get better.

It just takes time, it sounds like a cop out but with time it does get better. Both you and your mum will eventually be ok.

Beauteafully · 03/10/2018 06:24

Everyday is different. ATM I feel melancholy and bored. Husband's asleep, son's sleep, dogs are asleep. But I'm depressed. But the whole day wasn't like this. I had good moments. Happy moments even.

I think it's important to feel your feelings. It's ok to be sad. I barely cried in front of my mum because I wanted to be strong for her. Hilariously she was doing the same for me! Sometimes I cry for no reason. Well obviously because I miss my dad but nothing specifically provokes it.

You're going to be shell shocked for awhile and that's ok. It's your brain trying to accept this unreality as reality. This is one of those things you can't understand until you go through it so if you have friends who can relate then get even closer to them.

It sucks, yeah? But the smiles will be more frequent than tears in time.

footballmum · 03/10/2018 06:34

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I don’t think we’re ever ready to lose our parents, no matter how they die or how old they are. I lost my mom 7 years ago and I still miss her every single day. Does it get easier? No, not really. However you do adapt and you do get used to it. It just becomes your new reality. Be kind to yourself

cheaperthebetter · 03/10/2018 06:41

Awww...I'm so sorry for your loss..💐...I lost my mum 6 years ago (I was 23, she was single parent) the pain doesn't go away, but you learn to live with it.
I know this might sound crazy, but the way I dealt with it was by telling myself we had-had a fall out and were not talking to each other🙄...I found it helped in some way, also grieving therapy helped me greatly too.
💐💐💐💐💐💐

DonnaDarko · 03/10/2018 06:46

Not really got any advice, but for solidarity I lost my mum 2 weeks ago. It was very traumatic for me and I've had to take additional time off work.

She decided to stop dialysis as she was so unwell, having had had multiple strokes since the beginning of the year. Her quality of life was shot to pieces - the only thing she could do for herself was talk (barely).The doctor told us from the moment she stopped, she would have 1-2 weeks. She died a week and a half after her last dialysis treatment. She just slept a lot in the end, you could tell she was already gone.

I am glad that she is free now but devastated to lose her, and that she will never see my son grow up. Her friends described her as having a beautiful soul.

And now I'm crying

I think it's important to feel the emotions, but also don't sit around dwelling on it. I found that completing tasks throughout the day has given me sonething productive / positive to focus on.

maddiemookins16mum · 03/10/2018 06:57

You poor love. It’s horrid, totally horrid. I lost my Mum 5 years ago and my dad many years before. I didn’t feel even remotely ‘better’ until at least 18 months later. It never really goes away, I had a teary moment on Monday. But it does ‘improve’, but not for quite a while. You’re left with a gaping, aching wound but it sort of scars over (for want of a much better expression) but the scar is always there and things happen which at times make the scar bleed again.
So, so sorry for your loss OP.

Soontobe60 · 03/10/2018 06:57

As heartbreaking as it seems now, you WILL feel better at some point. At first, all the practical things you have to do like organising the funeral will keep you going. Then you'll fell very sad for some time. Eventually, you'll realise that you've stopped feeling so sad. Passing the first anniversaries are hard, birthday, Christmas, year after he died.
Things will get easier. Xx

Yogagirl123 · 03/10/2018 06:58

So sorry OP it is so hard I know. Very early days and you are still in shock. Just take one step at a time. Spend time with your mum and support each other. Grief doesn’t have a time scale, but is true that time is a healer. It takes time and lots of it.

We suffered a very tragic and unexpected bereavement last year, I didn’t think I would ever spend a day without tears. 18mths on, I don’t cry now, I think I have run out of tears. It’s takes time to reach a point of acceptance, once you get there you can start to move forward.

You don’t ever forget, but the raw sadness does eventually go.

Sending you a 🤗

TheNumberfaker · 03/10/2018 07:07

27 years since my father died. I don't think it ever gets better, you just somehow learn to live with it. I think I was 'lucky' that I was away at university a few weeks after he died so I just had to get on with study, exams etc.

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 03/10/2018 07:11

Donna if I could hug you I would. There is no preparation for this is there. Thanks for all your messages. They really help even though I haven't replied individually.Just going to sort the kids and mum for a while.

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 03/10/2018 07:11

I take comfort from the fact that missing my dad is the price I have to pay for having had a great dad. So many people have a dad who only brings them heartache. And whilst it aches, it really is a price worth paying.

That doesn't mean it's easy though.

squishee · 03/10/2018 07:25

Oh OP, I am so sorry for your loss. So sudden as well. I hope it helps to post here, and that you have support in real life.

We lost my DF nigh on 20 years ago now. It still stings, but time does take the edge off it.

The 6-week mark was especially tough for me - with hindsight I was maybe getting PTSD-type symptoms. After I got through that I started to turn the corner. Slowly.

Remember that you can expect to go through the various stages of the natural grieving process.

((( UnMNetty hugs for you )))

LuciaSpain · 03/10/2018 08:05

So sorry for your loss OP. My dad is gone six weeks and I barely get through some days. I'm being kind to myself, getting lots of fresh air and just feeling the emotions.

For me it feels like a brick of sadness is weighing me down. I have to feel time will help.

I have regrets too but then I'd say so had my dad. It's natural going through life.

Thinking of you and your mum. X

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/10/2018 08:18

I'm so sorry for your loss, op.

I lost my dad just over a year ago. We were exceptionally close.
Its 110% true when they say grief is like a physical pain.
Ill not bull shit you op. It doesn't get easier
but You do learn to live with it.

mrsgumpy · 03/10/2018 09:22

Bi11yButton - that is a HUGELY traumatic way to lose your father. I think you need to factor the trauma of what you went through into your grief and not try to pressure yourself to work through. My dad died of cancer this year and while it has been heartbreaking, it hasn't been traumatic since ultimately I am glad he is no longer in pain. By contrast, my mum almost died in an accident (she survived) and in many ways the trauma of being the first on the scene and the doctors having to bring her back from cardiac arrest has been much, much harder on my emotions. For you, you have both the trauma AND the death. Any chance you can talk to a professional about it?

picklepost · 03/10/2018 09:52

Oh wow that is such a shocking and distressing way to lose a parent.

I'm afraid there is nothing you can "do" but let yourself experience the feelings as they come at you.

Try to tackle life one little chunk at a time, blocks of 30mins or a couple of hours depending on the level of pain.

Gradually these chunks will become longer and more manageable, I promise, but you can't fast forward to recovery. For now you need to breathe, drink water, and just take it as quietly as you can.

mrsgumpy · 03/10/2018 10:03

Just to repeat what I said above, please don't underestimate the impact of the traumatic circumstances of his death. Even reading your post was hard as I could visualise everything and I wasn't there and he wasn't my dad. So I can only imagine what you have been going through. As I said, my dad died of cancer and that gave me time to say goodbye and spend time with him. You didn't have that opportunity and that must only make your grief that much harder to work through. It will get easier but it will take time and you can't rush it.

Hotpinkangel19 · 03/10/2018 10:33

Last June my mum died. 11 weeks after she died my Dad died too. I was an only child. And 20 weeks pregnant. I was devastated. I had my 20 week scan in the morning and arranged my Dad's funeral 2 hours later.
It's been just over a year now and I'm coping okay. I have bad days and good days. But it does get easier. I have no idea how, but it does. Sending love xx

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