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Original poster

My dad just died,when does it start to get better?

48 replies

Bi11yButton · 03/10/2018 03:19

It was sudden and feels so cruel. Don't feel I can ever enjoy anything again. Worried about my mum,don't want the rest of her life to be hard. They had a lovely life and grew up together. Really regret not spending enough quality time with them/ him in recent years. Just want him back.

OP posts:

Beauteafully · 03/10/2018 17:37

I was just able to finally read how your father passed. I got really deep into my emotions, sorry. I am so sorry that you lost him in such a tragic way. It's hard for me to talk about it without crying. I felt the same feelings of guilt. We lived about 3000 ml away and I

Beauteafully · 03/10/2018 18:13

Sorry I had to take a break. I guess I'm not ready to talk about it. Just know that from one stranger to another I send love and hugs.

clairebear31 · 03/10/2018 18:19

I lost my lovely mum 4 months ago to cancer and I felt numb at first. I just find the missing her so very hard, and everything we had together. A lifetime of memories. My dad is coping and we are all finding a way together without her here now. It’s very hard. I think your dad did hear you and knew that you loved him very much.

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 18:27

I'm so sorry for your loss and the traumatic way in which your dad died. If you feel 'stuck' in the grieving process if you know what I mean, after a few months, then I recommend Cruse. In the meantime look after yourself. Take it a day at a time.

amusedbush · 03/10/2018 18:28

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. DH lost his mum in May last year, he was 27 and really close with her. It was following a short but serious illness.

He was very sad and angry for a long time afterwards. He would get up in the middle of the night and cry in the living room - there wasn't a thing I could do to make him feel better. It actually got worse before it got better because he said at first he could pretend that she was alive and he just hadn't visited for a few weeks, but then more time passed and he missed her even more.

Jeippinghmip · 03/10/2018 18:30

Everyone is different! You will grieve in your own special way that is individual to you. Gradually you will feel better but if you don’t then you could try bereavement counselling.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 04/10/2018 04:25

Back at you Beautifully,Amused were all doing the same as your dad did re the getting up in the middle of the night.

OP posts:

FaithInfinity · 04/10/2018 07:28

So sorry for your loss

It is hard. Even when you have chance to say goodbye. Even when you see it coming (my Mum died of cancer 11 years ago).

I found this description of grief really helpful. You never stop missing someone. I burst into tears last week in the co-op when something reminded me of my Mum and it’s been 11 years! But it gets easier on a day-to-day basis.

My Dad went to a bereavement group with a local hospice which was a real lifeline for him. It helped him process his grief and he met friends in a similar position to him.

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 04/10/2018 08:02

Wow that description was really powerful and so was the rest of the piece by the old man. Thank you.

We're struggling with the nights as you can't escape it in the dark.

Just realised I've probably never experience real grief before and I recently turned 50. Can see how incredibly lucky I am. Only thing is I look at my other loved ones and can't fathom how you go through this again.

OP posts:

FaithInfinity · 04/10/2018 13:15

I’m glad it resonated with you.

I’ve lost loved ones since but older relatives where it was expected so it wasn’t as hard. Honestly, the fear of losing people eases off a bit but I still ensure I tell people I love them before I part from them, every time..just in case.

It just gets easier to breathe and just to keep living in time.

Knittedfairies · 04/10/2018 13:50

It does get a little easier over time. I read a review (maybe a preview?) of a tv programme where someone was talking about grief being like glitter; you think you’ve cleared it up and dealt with it, but there’s always some left. So true. Be kind to yourself OP💐

Beauteafully · 04/10/2018 17:16

@KnittedFairies that's such a perfect description. I guess it's good to realize there will always be some glitter somewhere.

Helpmemyhairisterrible · 04/10/2018 17:20

I lost my Dad at Christmas. He would have been 80 on Saturday. Nine months on it's not as bad as it was.

Beauteafully · 04/10/2018 17:21

@Bi11ybutton I'm in the States so my timing is a little off. But I wanted to add that I had such a hard time sleeping at first too. Everything sucks for awhile. But any tiny glimmer of happiness that you can find, just hold onto it as long as it lasts. I find that if I haven't cried in a few days then when I finally do it's a relief so maybe it's good to cry everyday. My biggest frustration is that this is a permanent process. I can't just grieve and be done. I just want to enjoy the memories but it's a process. I hope I'm not depressing you. Just know you're not alone and your feelings are not wrong.

cptartapp · 04/10/2018 17:41

My DF died aged 54 many years ago and my DM was killed in a car accident aged 69 two years ago. It was the worst time of my life. Aged 44 and no parents left. It does get easier but I think you've to accept the first several months will be a bit of a blur and accept that tears will come when you least expect.
Be very careful about taking on responsibility for your mum's happiness, I've seen people fall apart under the weight of that 'responsibility' long term, understandable as your immediate feelings are.
I'm sorry for your loss.

BigPink · 04/10/2018 17:45

I am sorry for your loss. I found that my bereavement went through cycles and you may find you cope better some days and then unexpectedly you are in tears again. The funeral was a great relief to me, then the finality hit me a few months later. It is a huge experience and it never leaves you but you do learn to live your life again. I think bereavement counselling can help. Personally I bottled it up and coped with letting just a tiny bit in every day and that worked for me. I still struggle to go to my dad's grave but one day I will. I know the circumstances were particularly traumatic for you but the one thing that I hung onto was how lucky my dad was to go suddenly given that he would always have to have gone one day. My dad would have hated being ill. Take as much time off work as you can, consider going back part-time for a few months. Force yourself to get up and out and do some exercise. If you pretend that you are living your life then one day you find that you actually are again. Everyone experiences grief differently and it will be a very personal journey. Your friends, who have not been through this, will likely assume you are all fine in a few weeks. That's hard if you prefer to talk about it. Be with people who help you at whatever stage you are at. Later, perhaps consider a ritual, a way of marking his passing. I bought a classic watch (my father was a watchmaker). I also bought a clock Christmas bauble which I put on the tree every year. I still have his ties and plan to have them made into a round cushion. Some people have memory quilts made with ties, shirts, favourite clothes etc. Find what feels right for you. Cut yourself a lot of slack to cope with the ups and downs you will experience, take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it. If you are struggling then speak to your GP. I hope that knowing you are in others thoughts, even a group of anonymous but caring strangers, is of some small comfort to you.

MyGuideJools · 04/10/2018 18:30

Bi11yButton 🌹 I replied on the bereavement thread but just wanted to say,
I lost my dad last September and only now I can see that I was so lucky to have him as my loving dad for 51 years.
My own mums dad died when she was only 13.
I wish my dad had lived to 100 but that wasn't to be..... I have some treasured memories of him that will never leave me.

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 05/10/2018 01:53

Thank you for your posts they really are a comfort and contain some thoughts I'm clinging to which help.

It's the early hours and we're awake again. Can't seem to sleep longer than 4 hours at a stretch.

Had a shit day,exhausted but we got lots done.At the risk of repeating myself (I wrote on the parent bereavement thread) we finally found his famous death file we all joked about. Had to turn his study upside down but found it in a lap top. He wrote a letter outlining exactly what we have to do to my mum which was awful to read. Realised that his wealth of advice on everything has gone forever. Was a punch in the stomach which keeps on going.

Just don't think I can practically go on feeling like this. I've got a job and house to run. Managing chores and the kids but juggling work was hard enough at times without this all encompassing grief. I want to fast forward or turn the clock back. Can't do either. He would tell me to get a massive grip which I will do but it feels like the biggest mountain to climb on very little sleep.

Going to read a boring book in the vain hope it'll help me sleep.

OP posts:

CriticalCondition · 05/10/2018 02:51

I'm up late too Bi11ybutton. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and so sorry for your loss.

I don't have anything new to add to what others have said other than it does get better with time. You will get through it. Grief isn't a straight line, but it does get better. My dad died 20 years ago, very suddenly. There are times even now when I think of him and the tears well up because he isn't here. Because my DCs never knew him and he would have been such a great grandad.

Like you I was with him at the end in hospital. You say you don't think he heard you when you told him you loved him. The hospital told me that there's no reason to think unconscious patients can't hear, that it's the last sense to go and your loved one can hear you, even if they can't respond. I'm not an expert, I don't know if it's true or not but I found it a comfort to think they were right.

Somebody said to me then, treasure the good times you had and know that, in a way he will always be with you. Try and pass some of the wisdom he gave to you on to your kids. That can help.

And be kind to yourself.

oldmum22 · 05/10/2018 07:44

I lost my lovely Dad in March . He was in hospital and died after a short illness. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him and to be honest , I don't know what I would have done only for the help of my DH and our two boys. DM has always found it hard to show emotion and I am struggling with my DSis. The only advice I can offer is to take each day at a time. I miss being able to talk to my Dad about the news or politics ,he always had a viewpoint and we used to enjoy chatting. Think about the good times and most importantly ,talk openly about him , he may no longer be here but his memory lives on . Take care xx

MyGuideJools · 05/10/2018 14:16

Bi11yButton That sounds so like my dad! every time he went into hospital he would say 'if anything happens look in my blue folder' 😄
Well, the day came when we had to find said blue folder, and omg, he had listed all his wishes, hymns for his funeral, a note for my mum, it was so emotional but so 'him'
I still don't sleep very well, but I think that's partly menopause!
I hope your boring book does the trick

Original poster

Bi11yButton · 07/10/2018 03:10

The boring book has helped a little. Now wake up scared I'm forgetting him,won't remember him and that I'm being disloyal. The list of hideous jobs to get through in the day seems endless. You get one really upsetting thing done only for another to appear

OP posts:

bexcee · 14/10/2018 12:02

Hi all not sure I've got much to add other than to say I know how it feels
I lost my dad to cancer in May. I was with him at the very end and it was the hardest thing I've been through. And yet I'm glad I was there and I hope he knew just how much we was loved. Still is.
Don't think I'll ever get over losing him and I'm not sure I want to. I see my pain as testament to how much love I had/have for him.
Just be kind to yourself do what feels right and don't put pressure on yourself to get over it.

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