Bad Childhoods can you ever forgive and forget?

[daytimemom]

I had an awful childhood but it’s only now that I have children I realise how bad it was. The older I get the more I keep thinking about how bad things were for me as a child.

I have so many feelings of anger and rage particularly towards my parents which I keep hidden from them as I am to scared of the fallout if I ever say anything to them.

How do othe people who grew up in dysfunctional families manage with their feelings towards their parents?

You aren't going to forget. You need to decide whether forgiving is the right thing to do for you, not just your family.

I have fluctuating emotions. I'm still very angry and have had times of limited contact though I have never gone fully NC.

Someone will come along and suggest counselling. It can help for someone to listen to what happened but it can also stir up a lot of unhelpful emotions so be aware of that.

I went LC, at times NC, but always relented.

I had it out with my Mother, though and with my Sister.

I'm only happy to have contact with my Sister at my Grandchildren's events.

1. learn from it
2. never leave DC alone with them
3. move to the other end of the country.

My parents have been dead for years but I still feel some anger and I think about how they treated me, far more often than I would like. However, I know that some people have had it far worse than I ever had it.
I kind of forgive but it is hard to forget. I want to focus on the younger members of my family now, and try to make things good for them. It is a pointless activity dwelling on the past, although I do realise that we can't always control our thoughts and feelings.

I think I've forgiven my mother, I can see now why she behaved the way she did. She did her best at the time but was very unhappy. We've never 'had it out' and she's never apologised but I know that she is sorry and she has helped me out massively over recent years.

My dad, he moved to the other side of the world when I was 17, remarried, adopted step children and now is at their disposal. They get his support, help and money whilst me, my children and my sister get nothing. I maintain contact over the phone to keep the peace but I'm still really pissed off with him and don't think I can ever forgive him.

My parents were well-meaning but lived (my mother in particular) in a sort of 1950s fantasy world. Any attempt to drag them into reality was met with extremely stubborn resistance. I felt misunderstood and neglected and they thought they were being good and kind. We were living in entirely different worlds and learning about the real world with no parental support was really horrible, as were the conflicts that arose with them when I had to do things that were not approved of in their fantasy world.

I had lots of therapy , which helped a lot.
I did forgive in the end, but not in an “
Actually it wasn’t so bad” way, More in the way of letting go of the pain and headspace, because I deserved to be free of it, and to not waste any more energy being eaten up by it.
There is a really good book on Amazon about forgiveness by Barbra J Hunt.
Sorry you’ve been through this, it absolutely is possible to heal from it and let go of the pain.

I don’t believe in ‘forgive and forget’. It’s not up to you to placate any guilt your parents may or may not feel (and ultimately most parents like this don’t, they usually deny any wrongdoing). What’s important is to find a way to heal yourself and moving on. Get counselling, go NC, write a letter and burn/send it, do whatever it is you need to get out of the cycle of feeling anger and guilt.

I recommend you go to therapy OP, if you can. You won't forget (or necessarily forgive), but it might help you to live your life without feeling endlessly angry and bitter and to put your awful past behind you once and for all. It will probably rear its ugly head from time to time, but don't let it eat you up. You are the mistress of your own destiny now, so make sure you do what you can to leave the misery in the past so it doesn't poison the present and the future too

Forgive I have found possible, after more than 30 years.

Forget, no.

But be somewhat cynical about any guff you've heard about forgiveness setting you free. Maybe for some people, but that hasn't been my experience.

More peace than before, yes. Decisively so.

I've gone from dyspnea so bad I spent between 4 to 14 hours a day on my hands and knees on the sofa for fear of suffocation while loaded up with Xanax to just the odd moment in a day when I gasp a bit and half a Xanax before bed (because I've got used to this no insomnia thing now and don't want to go back). And there is a "sad relax" sensation in my head when I go over old ground, whereas it used to feel more along the lines of "hyper tense"

But you are still the same person and your soul scars do still throb, via a memory evoked, or knowing about a kid going through what happened to you. Your feelings don't necessarily just fade away to nothing but a big blank where they used to be.

IME forgiveness can not be forced, demanded, or hung over you like it's something you should, could produce if you just tried enough.

If it happens it's because that's what you feel, when it first starts to whisper and flow around you, because you are a point where it is unforced, genuine and is working both with you and for you.

But it's just bog standard, old fashioned forgiveness. Not Nirvana. It's perfectly fine and I am happy I've got it, it's helped a lot. But I suspect it may be somewhat oversold at the moment by the self help industry.

The way I saw it described I thought it was a decisive end point. It's not.

It's a better decorated version of the old road I've walked for decades.

I am 4 weeks into therapy.

Had an abusive childhood at the hands of stepfather. My mum took his side.

I will never forgive him or her. I also not under an obligation to either. As forgetting I have had to forget big chunks of it to function.

I have had years of therapy on and off with different therapists. In the end I felt I had talked enough about it, I was able to see my parents for who they were and the spell was somehow broken. I wouldn't say I have forgiven them, but I would say I'm definitely over it.

I'm five years on from realising just how abusive they were. Lots of therapy, comfort eating and anti depressants.
I'm not angry anymore, just sad. I will never forgive their choice to abuse me. I don't need to. What was important for me was forgiving myself. I thought I could change and be good enough for them, or if I'd worked harder or looked after them better they'd love me. Accepting that they actually hate me was hard. Especially because both of my parents are abusive and hate me. I've noticed that if it's only one parent people seem to recover quicker.
I recommend therapy to help you organise your feelings. Also cbt to change your pattern of thinking. Also see if you have complex ptsd.

No... You never forget.

I have to actively shake myself and think letting it consume my thoughts is toxic. I have to actively let it go.
I feel the negative thoughts building up and I have to stop myself because I can't change what happened.

I try to put a positive spin on it though:

1. I can use it to help others. I can sympathise with their feelings and I can lend an ear. I can genuinely understand how they feel.

2. This is my favourite one. I can use it as an example of what I would never subject my own child to. I use it to think about what kind of childhood I want my DS to have. I want him to feel secure and happy as much as possible. I want him to grow up with a man who shows him how to be a good father and a good husband.

Try and focus on spinning it into a positive OP. It really helps me get past it. Sometimes I still cry... But most of the time I buck myself out of it and try to focus on the above.

Go no contact or at the very least low contact. Don't be around people who steal your joy.
I've been no contact for five years and I haven't ever regretted it.

It's pointless trying to talk to them. They will get angry and blame you for everything.

I've had a lot of counselling, and in the end I went no contact. There was no way I could trust them with my own children.

You don't forgive and forget, that leaves you and yours open to further abuse.
Instead, you reach a point where you can make peace with yourself. You accept that's who they are, they could do no better because they aren't capable of it, and you move on and leave them behind.

I'm in my 40s now and STILL shed tears sometimes over my childhood. You'll never forget, I think I just found a way to live with it! X

You will not forget.

You can forgive, depending on the level of 'awful' especially if you gain some understanding into why parents or whoever were as they were.

Forgetting is a different matter, it will always be 'there' but you can put it in a compartment and not let it define you or your parents forever.

I had a shitty childhood, I was very very angry with my Mum for allowing my step-father's behaviour to go on for so long (she left him when I was 18 and had moved out).

I have forgiven her, after having it out with her, I had no idea just how awful he was to her and I have some understanding of how difficult it can be to leave an abusive marriage. I'm not especially close to her, I'm not close to any of my family (I tend to hold all but a very select few at arm's length!) but things are ok between us.

I don’t think I will ever forget the way my mum brushed me off, when I was in tears due to bullying at school - she made me feel that, at 10, I was completely on my own, dealing with it - and she never once bothered to follow up to see if things had got better, either - so I lived with th bullying for 6 long, miserable years.

This has left me with a life long history of depression, anxiety and low self esteem - how can I forget, when I live with the daily reminder of the antidepressants I have to take, or my low moods, or my belief that I am worthless and no-one really likes me.

Can I forgive her? I don’t know if I may manage this in the future, but I haven’t yet. Fwiw I to,d her, a few years ago, that I had been suicidal at age 14, due to the bullying, and whilst she was shocked, she didn’t acknowledge her role in it - maybe if she had said sorry for the way she handled it, or asked me more about that time, and showed some concern, I might have been able to forgive her. She recently told me she is happy that her two daughters are also her friends. I didn’t disabuse her, but it made me sad.

This year I finished 10 years of therapy. I have been able to conclude that my entire childhood was very shit indeed and that I had also allowed my parents to take away a good chunk of my young adulthood too.

Hope is the last thing to go. But once it is extinguished, I found I was free. I no longer hope I was loved, as I know I wasn't. I no longer hope I can love and forgive them, as I don't and I won't.

This year I am doing all the things my parents stopped me doing. It is great and I feel good making decisions for myself, no guilt, no fear.

I have built an amazing family and enjoy giving my kids the security, unconditional love and fun that I never had. I will never get back what I lost, or never had, but I can make it happen for my kids and that feels wonderful.

I had some therapy in my early thirties which did help (as well as prolific reading) but I think the traumas of my childhood and teenage years made me fight for a different life, and I have succeeded to a great extent.

I do wonder though if some things are passed down in the genes. What I experienced gave me the determination NOT to behave like them, yet when I look at my son and his behaviour I see the same selfishness and narcissism that my parents both exhibited.

My daughter on the other hand is a delight, not a selfish bone in her body and is extremely appreciative of her loving upbringing.

I did forgive my mother before she died, which helped me after she died. She helped me get there though, by admitting stuff she had previously denied though that only happened once she had dementia.

My father less so. He committed suicide when I was in my teens, and my anger and sense of loss grew and grew. I used to idolise him, now I see a man who put his own selfish desires before everything and when things stopped going his way he copped out.

You can forgive. You will never forget and I don't think you should try as all that stuff made you into the remarkable person you are now.

MrsBobDylan, I had my teenage rebellion when I was 40 and stopped contact. I grew my hair (it reaches past my waist) , as I wasn't allowed to, even as a grown up and got two tattoos! One marks my journey of recovery and another represents my dh, dcs and love.