Bad Childhoods can you ever forgive and forget?

[daytimemom]

I had an awful childhood but it’s only now that I have children I realise how bad it was. The older I get the more I keep thinking about how bad things were for me as a child.

I have so many feelings of anger and rage particularly towards my parents which I keep hidden from them as I am to scared of the fallout if I ever say anything to them.

How do othe people who grew up in dysfunctional families manage with their feelings towards their parents?

PlinkPlink

I'm with you on the positive spin when it comes to making a very different landscape for your own child. The process let me re-focus the attention drawn towards the pain. Off me as the former child and what I couldn't undo. On to DS and what I could control to make sure history did not get repeated.

It helped a lot with the ghost of the girl I used to be, who still lives inside of me. We made a deal. I haven't ignored her on the occasions when she's needed me the most (bar the time I did and she paid me back by taking my breathing away to make a point). She has let me be in the now the majority of the time, so I can focus on making a priority of the child we both agreed had to be given something very different in terms of formative years.

My son is 18 now. He is very different from me at the same age. And most of the time that just makes my heart sing.

But sometimes it's bittersweet. My parents said I'd understand when I was grown up and had children of my own. And I do.

Because I am far from perfect, far from well resourced with a good parenting model. But even I have pulled "good enough" off. Which means they could have too. But they chose not to negotiate a reasonable deal with their own (much less poltergeisty) internal ghosts. And we kids paid a ridiculously high price for it.

Which in turn became their loss every bit as much as it was ours.

Have you found the ‘but we took you to stately homes’ thread in relationships OP? It might help a bit.

For me I’m at a crossroads with it where it was either NC or just sucking it up and being LC and attempting forgiveness along the way. My parents gave me a crap childhood but worse really is it’s carried on and they are still failing me as an adult. That’s been the bigger struggle. The childhood was appalling but they are such broken, messed up post-war people I can see how they got it so wrong. But they’ve not learned a thing in all these years and still handle things as badly now. That I struggle with.

I disagree that forgiveness doesn’t help because actually for me it has, but it’s a daily choice. It’s not a quick fix. I’ve chosen to forgive and move on from some aspects, and others I just ignore now. I’ve spent so long being angry with them and I’m tired. I’ve tried and tried to make them see or change or acknowledge what they put me and my siblings through but they won’t accept any of it. They have conveniently forgotten anything they need to apologise for.

I’m now in a place where they are getting old, and I know I will feel guilty and rubbish forever if I go NC and then they die. So I’m sucking it up, accepting they are very damaged people, and trying to love them anyway. I’ve given up entirely on difficult issues because they’re incapable of seeing things through normal eyes.

I do have a Christian faith which helps because for me I ask for help each day with forgiveness or just say out loud “I’m choosing to forgive them today so please help me because I can’t do this alone” and that helps me a lot.

It’s not easy though. I experienced a lot of abuse from the men in the family and total emotional neglect from my mother. But I’m so tired of being angry.

What was important for me was forgiving myself.

I had this anger towards my parents after I had my baby. I think having children brings up a lot of emotions and resentment I didn't know I had. I realised how selfish, miserable and bitter my mother really was and the way she behaved after I had my baby brought it all out. The only way I could deal with it was to go no contact and its the best thing I've ever done.

Following as I am in the same place.
3 weeks into therapy and swinging daily between anger, anxiety, grief and occasional acceptance.

I don’t know what I want. I’m not ready to stop being angry yet even though I know it mostly hurts me. It’s early days...

I have been in therapy for 3 and a half years and it's helped me get to a place where I can emotionally disengage and adopt this idea of "observer status". So I see my very elderly mother for who she is and her increasing frailty and I can use my compassion to keep helping to look after her, with my sister, without being triggered into extreme distress. I suffered a very abusive neglectful childhood and I will never forgive or forget.

I don't think you have to forgive and forget but you have to find a way to live with it without it affecting your life all the time. Some people do that through therapy/counselling/self help books/groups or other means.
You have to find a way that you can live with, and live a good life with.
I went non contact with most of my family many years ago and have built a wonderful life with my immediate family, my children and grandchildren. They have experienced a far different childhood than I did.
I have no desire to forgive my family and won't ever forget but it doesn't affect my life day to day, although it did for many years.

”What was important for me was forgiving myself.”

Maybe I will manage this, one day.

I've been NC for ten years. My life is so much better and I'm so much more mentally healthy without them around

I had therapy about 20 years ago. I've not forgotten anything which was important so that I could try to not make the same mistakes with DC. Even so I know that I wasn't a perfect parent at times and in some areas had to learn by mistakes and from others how to be good enough.
I have forgiven some things because I have benefitted in the long run from some of the neglect for example being forced to be independent far too young.
Other things I chose not to forgive but have made peace with it by thinking about how I would have parented me as a child in that scenario- suggested by my therapist and mostly worked for me.

Does anyone have any good book recommendations?

Thanks for messages. I really think my parents and my mother in particular believe they have been good parents! How do people cope with this? I was telling my mum about a work colleague who is very touchy felt and always gives me a hug when she sees me. My mums reactions “you must hate that, you hated any affection when you were little” I did actually say “no mum, I didn’t hate it, you wouldn’t know as we never had that sort of relationship”. My mum never cuddled me or told me she loved me. She didn’t know how.

I did actually see a therapist. I told her my biggest regret is that I wasn’t put up for adoption. My therapist seemed to find this shocking!

Those who have had therapy, can I ask what kind of therapy you had, did you self-refer, how did you find the therapist?
My husband had an awful childhood and I believe he still suffers trauma. Certain incidents from his childhood are still very alive to him, he talks about them all the time as if they are always playing on his mind. I think he still feels in danger, so is looking for danger where there is none. There seems like this big thing in the way of him getting on with his life and he has self-destructive tendencies. I wish I knew how to help.

ColouringPencils I had 2 years psychotherapy through the NHS.

Re things still feeling very real and present to your H, I think this is common, a sort of PTSD where memories keep replaying on a loop, and it is like re-living them. To be honest I think some trauma survivors do live our lives in a state of red alert. If we're lucky and manage to build a happy adult life, time and good experiences do help to put the past into perspective, and we can heal and move on.

But there is always a sense of being ready for the worst, the red alert feeling is always hovering. I think having a family and loved ones to care for, while being wonderful and bringing lots of happiness, also brings to the fore the desire to protect them. It's a double-edged sword, and we can never truly relax and take the good times for granted. That in itself guides our actions, so we are very careful about looking after our loved ones and keeping our sails strong and firm as we navigate the storms. Other people who are not so fearful can become complacent and when the shock waves of life come along they are knocked for six whereas we are able to stand strong. We are ready.

Nhs didnt offer me psychotherapy when i complained 6 weeks of cbt wasnt what i wanted but did refer me to a charity. Only problem.is I have to pay and Im still uming and ahing as technically we could pay something but then we couldnt go on holiday or the kids couldnt swim. We have no savings.

Im like others that it all started up for me again when i had kdis. Both wanting rhem to act kindly and grandparent like towards my kids, and in wondering how on earth they could treat me like they did.

Im 40 and its really affected me and still is.

I had a rather crap childhood with a vile and narcissistic father and a weak and frightened DM.
I've been NC with my father for 14 years now and it was something of a shock to discover recently that technically I am his NoK so will get "the call" when something happens to him.

I have a relationship with DM who, with the benefit of age and maturity, I realise was already damaged by a bad childhood herself before she married a dominant and controlling narcissist. While her lack of action towards getting us out is something that I cannot in all honesty comprehend, it's her lack of acknowledgement of what happened that really gets me. She's making huge inroads by the way she spoils treats DS, but in a way it's bittersweet. I totally accept that her relationship, financial situation, life priorities etc are a million miles away from what they were when we were children, but her pretence that the relationship she has with DS is merely an extension of her mothering skills to me sets my teeth on edge.
Ultimately I wouldn't go NC with her as she has no one else and I don't believe her failings were due to malice. I'm still very wary of having a close relationship with her, which I know DH (who came from a very loving family) struggles to understand but things are far better than the teenage me could ever have imagined.

I had psychotherapy on the NHS to move on from my childhood (abusive, toxic mother). It was supposed to be for 6 weeks but ended up being many, many months! I’ll never forgive her or forget but ive learnt techniques to dealing with her and stop her hurting me now.

I think the thing that helped me the most was turning a lot of it into a novel. In doing so it helped me understand some of their motives, their shame and their selfish need to protect their self-image at any cost which led them to behave in the ways they did. By understanding their stories somehow I was able to make more sense of my own.

It helped me empathise and feel some compassion for them, and for my young self most of all.

TowerRing can i ask what techniques for dealing with it you’ve found most helpful? You obviously don’t have to say.

Hooe you don’t mind me asking, OP.

I ran away at 18 and refused to be found. That probably isn't very helpful to you but I hope you work out what's best for you soon 💐 I don't think it's ever something you can get over, simply adapt to.

I really think my parents and my mother in particular believe they have been good parents! How do people cope with this

My mother thinks this too. I have been far from a perfect parent and I beat myself up about the things I got wrong so it's hard to get your head around that mindset.

I do feel so very lucky though, reading through these posts. I don't give how I was treated a second thought, haven't done for many many years. It does come up in conversation sometimes and I talk about it but it doesn't affect me at all. I truely feel for those of you who have needed therapy.

I don't think you ever forget and you certainly don't have to forgive. I think there comes a point, as an adult though, that you either accept them as the people they are or move them out of your life. You are now in charge of your life and how you want it to be and you don't have to live by anyone else rules, standards etc. That's certainly the way I view my childhood though, I was a child and they decided how I lived, I'm now an adult and I decide, they no longer have the control. Not easy though.