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Original poster

Citalopram - struggling with my thoughts on being on them even though they work?

28 replies

CanOpenWormsEverywhere · 02/10/2018 13:27

There is nothing in my life for me to be depressed about. Lovely DH, lovely DC, lovely home, lovely extended family. Not trying to be smug but there was no good reason at all for me to be depressed about anything.

But i was. In hindsight i had been struggling for over a year quite badly. Anyway, it came to a head, had a bit of a breakdown, went to the GP, got my magic pills and within a week i felt like a new woman. or i guess the woman i used to be before i developed depression.

It's just i'm struggling to wrap my head around the only reason i'm happy is because i'm drugged up.

Don't get me wrong, I love how i feel now, i am enjoying life, my DC etc. I am being a much better parent to DC, a better wife to DH, i've got my enjoyment of my hobbies back and my pride in my home (i'm a SAHM). I jokingly said to DH that all parents should be given the magic pills as standard when they have a baby, they've made that much different to me and our lives.

Yet I can't quite shake this feeling/thought that I am only happy and enjoying life because i'm drugged. And therefore if i can only be happy with my life when i'm on drugs doesnt that mean i'm actually just covering up the fact i'm not happy? except that i did used to be happy with my life before it seemed to all get too hard....

anyone understand what i mean? or felt similar? How do you deal with these thoughts?

OP posts:
TheLadyhasarrived · 02/10/2018 13:37

I’m on them too, they have been magic pills for me too. Within 10 days I could drive on my own which I haven’t been able to do for 4 years.

I think of them more as switching off the part of my brain that made me unhappy. My head is quiet and I don’t have the constant anxious thoughts and worry.

I don’t think of them as making me happy but they stop me feeling unhappy.

I wish I could articulate it better!

SeagIass · 02/10/2018 13:45

With the obvious exception of people who are dealing with enormous stress and therefore may suffer from situational MH problems, ‘What have you got to be depressed about’ is about as logical as ‘what have you got to be diabetic about.’ It’s an illness. It’s not about happy or sad. You’ve found some treatment that works for you and that’s great! Flowers

Original poster
CanOpenWormsEverywhere · 02/10/2018 13:45

That could be a good way to look at it lady, they really have been magic for me too.

OP posts:

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Original poster
CanOpenWormsEverywhere · 02/10/2018 13:47

seaglass the rational part of my knows that, but i still sometimes struggle with accepting that its 'ok' for me to be depressed without a 'good' reason.

OP posts:
stellabird · 02/10/2018 13:56

I guess it's like many medications which help you to feel better. Cold and flu tablets remove the flu symptoms so you can function and feel better - there is no reason to feel that "I only feel well because I'm drugged". Same with antidepressants - they remove the bad feelings so you can experience the good ones .

My Dad has been taking Citalopram for a few years - his summing up is that they made it worth getting up in the morning. The difference in his demeanor has been wonderful - I've got my Dad back again.

I'd say, don't overthink your situation. If you've found something which lifts the burden of depression and lets you feel good, go for it.

SeagIass · 02/10/2018 14:05

You have got a good reason. You have - putting it v simply - a chemical imbalance in your brain. That’s an excellent reason! And the medication is rebalancing it for you. Happy days Grin

lenalove · 02/10/2018 14:19

I have been on citalopram for nearly 3 years now and it has been life-changing. I try to remind myself that if I had a physical illness, I wouldn't deny myself pain medication!

ParanoidGynodroid · 02/10/2018 14:25

I try to remind myself that if I had a physical illness, I wouldn't deny myself pain medication!

This^

My daughter has been on citalopram for a while. She was keen for a time to get off it and manage on her own, but was unsuccessful.
She's taken a new view now: that her brain has a problem with sorting out serotonin or something, so she needs a bit of help to make things work better so she can get on with living her life. She feels much more positive now and doesn't mind that she takes medication.

Don't feel guilty about having an illness, OP, and certainly not about taking medication to help it.

Original poster
CanOpenWormsEverywhere · 02/10/2018 14:26

maybe i need to try and focus on that it is just a medication treating and illness.

i guess i'm overthinking a bit.

i just never thought i'd be the 'type' to get depression. the whole thing has surprised me, including how much better i feel now.

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 14:30

I'm firmly in the 'if i were diabetic i would take insulin' camp. Depression is a chemical imbalance, it needs help to be rebalanced. If that involves taking a pill every day, that's okay.

I used to be of the same mindset, mainly because of the stigma of being on meds. I'm currently off mine after pregnancy & pretty stable, but i have no hesitation in calling my GP & telling them i need help should the situation arise. Because being happy & feeling like me again is worth so much more than worrying about that tablet i take everyday...which is no different to the one i take for an autoimmune issue.

Blobby10 · 02/10/2018 15:53

When I got my prescription a few years ago and voiced almost exactly the same thoughts to my Dr, she said "everyones brain works differently and luckily the pills are helping to make yours work in a more acceptable way that makes your life better." It helped me to see it in a different light and they help me to see the wood for the trees so I can cope with stuff

I'm trying to come off mine now after telephone appt with a (horribly young sounding) doctor earlier in the year for latest prescription check who told me I ought to come off them as I'd been on them for 5 years now. Previous doctors had said it was such a low dose (20mg) that I would be fine on them for years.

Not sure if the concentration and memory issues I'm having now are to do with peri-menopause or Citalopram withdrawal!

Mildmanneredmum · 02/10/2018 16:10

I've been on them for years and I agree, life-changing. For the better!

MVLipwig · 02/10/2018 18:39

I gave them up in May, thought that I’d magically developed coping strategies and it was a bad habit. It’s not worked, I’ve got an appointment next week to hopefully go back on them. Drugs that make you feel human, help you function and help those around you are to be thankful for is what I’ve decided

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 02/10/2018 19:11

Well non situational depression is essentially a serotonin deficiency. If it was iron you'd take the supplements right? Why is it different just because it's a brain chemical?

ohfourfoxache · 02/10/2018 19:19

I started it a few years ago and you’re right - it is like magic. It’s amazing that, for the first time in my life, I felt normal. Even photos of me are different - I can now smile without having to force it.

It is difficult knowing I’ll be on them probably for life. But I’d rather be on them and happy than not be here at all.

spiderlight · 02/10/2018 19:20

There are two types of depression. Reactive depression occurs as a result of an external situation. Non-reactive depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Nothing to do with anything 'out there' in your life or to some imagined character flaw. It's brain chemistry - yours has gone a little bit awry and needs bringing back into balance, and you've found a medication that is doing a good job at that. Stick with it - it won't be forever but it's what's working for now.

humblesims · 02/10/2018 19:20

Your medication just creates a mental balance for you. I have a physical imbalance (hypothyroidism) and take medication for it. Its no different really.

lynmilne65 · 02/10/2018 20:20

Do you mean endogenous depression?

pointythings · 02/10/2018 20:56

I take medication for high blood pressure. I get it from both my parents. Lifestyle changes alone have made no difference and I'll be on them for life. That's just how it is - it keeps me well. It's exactly the same for you with the Citalopram. The brain is also an organ of the body.

DMCWelshCakes · 02/10/2018 21:08

I'm on meds & probably will be for life. I view it as being highly unfair that I'd be expected to deal with life at a disadvantage to everyone else who regulates their own brain chemistry successfully, so this way I level the playing field. (Hope that makes sense.)

Citalopram - struggling with my thoughts on being on them even though they work?
KatyN · 02/10/2018 21:44

Without citraloplan I am not myself. I am unbalanced and quite simply crazy. Totally anxious, depressed, it’s horrible.
Citraloplan allows me to be me again.

I doNMt see them as happy pills.. they are my diazepam.. they make me seriously happy!!!

GlassHeart1 · 02/10/2018 22:22

Calling spiderlight
What would you recommend for the reactive depression?

Not tried citalopram, but a friend who takes it, suggested I give it a try rather than keep sinking into my tunnel with no light at the end of it.

Original poster
CanOpenWormsEverywhere · 03/10/2018 09:16

Thank you everyone. You have made me feel a lot better and more relaxed about it.

You're all right that i wouldnt query anyone taking long term meds for a physical condition.

I will try and get to thinking of it as a seratonin deficiency and that i am just taking meds to balance it back out.

funny how i would never feel this way about anyone else taking them, apparently i hold myself to some other standard!

OP posts:
spiderlight · 03/10/2018 09:20

@GlassHeart1 - have a chat with your GP, but something like CBT is usually tried before medication, and plain old exercise can help a lot as well.

Verbena87 · 03/10/2018 09:26

I’m badly short sighted. I wasn’t always, and I haven’t done any of the things that are supposed to make you short sighted (reading in poor light etc) - it just happened because that’s how my body is.

I absolutely could choose to not wear glasses. That would mean I wasn’t wearing glasses. But it would also mean I couldn’t do my job effectively, drive safely, enjoy my hobbies or move around safely, so I choose to wear them and not be stunted by a health issue that’s thankfully easily mitigated.

Swap my ‘short sighted’ for your depression, and my ‘glasses’ for your citalopram, and it might help you feel the truth that you already understand intellectually: if there’s a treatment that works for a health problem that’s not your fault, there is no reason not to go for it and enjoy life.