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Original poster

If you're someone who needs repeated reminders to settle informal debts to friends - why is this?

45 replies

MountainPony · 30/09/2018 14:04

I quite often organise trips out to the theatre or talks with my friends via social media. If there's something I like the look of I'll post the link up and ask if anyone would like to join me, and I'll usually tag in friends who I think would be interested.

When people have responded, I book the tickets. Depending on the event this can be for up to ten people, so I'll have put about a hundred quid or so on my card.

I then message everyone attending with my bank details so they can transfer what they owe. Nearly everyone does this instantly. A few people take a couple of days (no problem, life is busy) and occasionally someone just forgets and has to be prompted after a week or so (again, no biggie - we all drop a ball on occasion).

I have one friend though who always fails to pay. And then has to be prompted at least three times before she finally manages it, somehow managing to make me feel as though I'm being n anal old nag in the process.

Money isn't an issue for her, I'm fairly sure. In any case, if she can't afford to spend fifteen quid on a theatre ticket (everyone has their priorities) then she absolutely doesn't have to! There's no pressure from me at all - I usually tag about 15 people and then between five or ten of them will accept. It is, as MN would have it, an invitation not a summons.

I really like her; she's lots of fun and I enjoy doing things with her, but I'm now at the stage of wanting to stop inviting her to events because of this issue with the payments. I hate having to chase her up and it just feels really rude and disrespectful of her to repeatedly put me in this position.

So if you're one of these people - can you tell me why you do it? What's the actual issue? Why do you inconvenience and annoy your friends like this, when they're doing you a favour? I'd really like to know!

OP posts:
Sitranced · 30/09/2018 14:14

I'm assuming this is a rhetorical question and you're having a bit of a whinge because who would come forward to admit they purposely avoid payment?

If you have an issue with your friends behaviour speak to her directly or don't offer to pay on her behalf.

Hwory · 30/09/2018 14:15

I’m not one of these people but people just forget. I very much doubt that your friends are purposefully in their mind saying I’m not going to pay yet to inconvenience and annoy my friend.

I’m sure your friends are like oh yes I’ll transfer the money after I do X but after the do X it slips their mind.

If it’s that much of a problem for you don’t organise things anymore or talk to your friends.

LaPufalina · 30/09/2018 14:22

I'm the organiser for most of my friends' events too and it's so annoying! I wrote off a £35 wine fair ticket a couple of years ago, I told her not to bother paying me in the end and she said she would and still didn't! So I didn't get the money OR a thank you for paying. It was my boss who is also a mate, so it was difficult to ask again after the third time Hmm

Original poster
MountainPony · 30/09/2018 14:24

Of course I'm just having a bit of whinge. I don't think she's a horrible person who is deliberately trying to scam me - she's my friend! But like all of us, she has her irritating behaviours and this is one of them.

I'm just trying to understand why she thinks it not a big deal. I would be mortified if I had to be reminded to pay someone what I owed more than once. I absolutely get that stuff slips people's mind occasionally, but she does this every time.

She's an adult with a responsible job. She knows about budgets and deadlines. So why is she so useless in this instance?

OP posts:
Original poster
MountainPony · 30/09/2018 14:31

If it’s that much of a problem for you don’t organise things anymore or talk to your friends

Of course! The answer has been staring me in the face the whole time! I'm such a dolt! Hmm

I enjoy going out with my friends. There is absolutely no issue with the way things are organised as far as anyone else is concerned. But yeah, I'll just stop seeing anyone or even talking to them.That's such good advice.

OP posts:
californiascreaming · 30/09/2018 14:34

why don't you get together with her outside of a ticket situation and ask her. there's nothing offensive in what you've put here - so why not ask her and tell her how it makes you feel?
If you can't do that then she isn't really a friend, so just drop the pretence and stop inviting her because its not nice for you...

Hwory · 30/09/2018 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GallicosCats · 30/09/2018 14:44

Wouldn't it be easier to send your friends the payment/booking link to these events and get them to buy and pay for their own tickets up front? Of course, you'd run the risk of some of them not bothering, but at least you wouldn't end up out of pocket.

StealthPolarBear · 30/09/2018 14:44

I'm afraid I don't know why but next time you do this can you ask her. And only her, for the cash in advance?
I agree, I hate forgetting and putting people in the situation of having to remind me. So rude.

PorkFlute · 30/09/2018 14:44

I know people like this and imo they want you to stop asking for it and let them off. Even well off people can be tight.
If it’s a regular thing though I wouldn’t be sorting their tickets etc again. I hate chasing people for money. I feel like if I’ve done someone a favour they shouldn’t be making me feel like a pest for asking for MY money back!

Cheesenacho123 · 30/09/2018 15:01

I had this very issue with one of my ex friends. For this very reason we cut our friendship off. She was a complete bitch about giving me the money (many many months) after booking tickets which coincidentally I couldn’t go to (fell pregnant after ticket booking and thought I’d be able to go two weeks post partum, I was far too unwell to move two weeks post partum to go).

So asked her to sell on the spare ticket and I’d give her ticket so she could go (the spare wasn’t the issue, nevertheless I didn’t get the money for that ticket but I wasn’t bother because it hadn’t been sold on anyway, it was her ticket money that I wanted so she could go by herself and I’d have my money that she owed me) but I’d booked tickets around a year before the event and she still hadn’t paid me the money two months after the event, she was constantly like I’ll give it next pay day or next week (she had plenty of money so I don’t see the issue). In the end she blocked me completely on social media saying I was black mailing her and got someone else to give me the money via bank transfer almost a year and a half after booking tickets.

To be fair it was an idiot move on my behalf because it wasn’t the first time she hadn’t paid for events on time to me but I’d just let it go in the past. Safe to say I’ll just go to events with my DP from now on.

tectonicplates · 30/09/2018 15:05

Sorry OP, you're not going to like this answer, but you're actually enabling her behaviour. She does it because you let her get away with it. She doesn't pay, even after you chase her up several times, and yet you still invite her to the next event anyway, so she thinks her behaviour is okay.

Next time you either need to ask for money in advance before buying tickets, or just don't invite her. But if you carry on making the same mistake, you're going to get the same results each time.

She does it because she can, because you keep letting her off. The ball really is in your court.

daisym00n · 30/09/2018 15:21

I’m the one who does the organising in my group and after a few times of booking and paying upfront and the having people drop out before they pay or having to constantly chase up people to pay, I started saying “I’ll be booking tickets on x date and if you want one, I’ll need to have your money by x or you’ll need to book yourself.”

It only took one experience of missing out on something for one of the most unreliable culprits to start sending me the money within half an hour of my messages.

Some people are just unreliable and flaky if there are no consequences.

Artofpretending · 30/09/2018 15:26

If you are the type of person who does the booking/arranging you will be out of pocket from time to time.

I think it’s possible some people genuinely just forget and some people don’t really see paying you back as a priority. Not many would be trying to deliberately rip you off.

I always get my own ticket these days even if someone offers to get mine just in case I have to cancel or something and then I never owe anyone anything.

Strugglingtodomybest · 30/09/2018 15:29

I can be guilty of this sometimes I think. I literally just forget. I don't know why. Best guess would be it's because I'm also the same if it's me organising the event, ie I'm happy for people to pay me back as and when. Obviously I'm lucky to be in thus position.
I'm always very apogetic if i do forget and I always pay up in the end. I'm definitely not trying to get a free ride and would be gutted if my friends thought this.

HollowTalk · 30/09/2018 15:51

I think @daisym00n has the answer. Say I'm booking the tickets on Monday first thing. I'll book for whoever has sent the money by Sunday night.

And don't give in. Don't respond to, "Can you book for me and I'll pay you back?" unless it's someone really reliable.

StealthPolarBear · 30/09/2018 15:58

Or just ask her for the money first. Carry on as you are for the others.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/09/2018 16:03

I agree with a previous poster, say to her "I'll book the tickets the day after tomorrow so get the payment to me before then if you want to go". No payment, no ticket and she misses out or books her own. She'll probably be much improved after missing the one or two things that everybody else attended and enjoyed.

TrueLoveWays · 30/09/2018 16:05

I think I may be similar and I'm mortified reading this thread . I have no excuse but my memory is shocking.
I'll start to do a money transfer and a DC appears with an urgent request and I forget and then my mind flits to another job.
I'm aware it's not endearing or a great quality so I have a whiteboard in the kitchen now and write jobs to do on and check it every night
I would request money before booking

beanaseireann · 30/09/2018 16:08

Isn't the definition of stupidity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ?
I just wouldn't include her the next time.
End of.
I abhor meanness/ being tight.
You know what she thinks of you.
You're not worth paying back.
Bet she pays her boss etc back !

gamerwidow · 30/09/2018 16:13

This drives me mad you wonder if they take the same approach to paying all these bills or if they’ve just written you off as unimportant.
I agree with PP you need to go no payment no ticket in future other wise they will keep on taking liberties.

gamerwidow · 30/09/2018 16:16

To those who forget, do you forget the once or again and again after repeated reminders. I don’t think anyone minds if you’ve forgotten the once because it’s slipped your mind but I had to remind someone 5 times over 3 months to pay me back £150 for a ticket last time I bought for the group. That level of forgetfulness is taking the piss.

Dowser · 30/09/2018 16:24

If I owe money I bust a gut to pay it back
I’m just wired that way
Why not tell everyone to book their own tix

theworldistoosmall · 30/09/2018 16:29

A simple way to do things. When you post about events include booking link. That's what I generally do unless its a guest list thing or limited tickets. Then I say booking for x event if you want to come send cash by x day.
In the latter situation, people soon learn that although they have said yes until they pay they get nothing.

DaisyDreaming · 30/09/2018 16:30

I genuinely forget and need reminding, so embarassing as I would never not pay on purpose!

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