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Original poster

Younger dc keeps 'taking' older dc friends

27 replies

AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 09:28

Not a good title...

Older dc is shy, quiet, serious, but caring, loyal and so dedicated to friends. Dc1 finds it so hard to make friends.

Younger is outgoing, bubbly, extroverted, makes friends easily, but not worried about having a friend a minute.

There’s no jealousy or competition between them, but my heart breaks a little...

Without fail, when dc1 makes a good friend and brings them home, friend and dc2 hit it off and dc1 ends up being left out (it is always totally unintentional). I worry for dc1, because it just goes to reaffirm their shyness etc.

Has anyone else had these family dynamics? How (did you) deal with it.

I want both my dcs to be confident , but worry that as time goes on this could cause problems/ resentment Sad

OP posts:
2cats2many · 30/09/2018 09:34

How old are they?

Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 09:36

11 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 09:37

Worry about teenage years that are to come if this pattern stays.

OP posts:

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Families
DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2018 09:39

Invite a friend for the younger child every time, so that they won't always have to play with the older ones. Or arrange for younger one to be out or otherwise engaged for at least part of the time that DC1 has a visitor.

Alienspaceship · 30/09/2018 09:41

As above. Remove younger child from the situation when older child has a friend round. This is a really important issue to address otherwise you are building up resentment and problems later on.

Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 09:41

We normally arrange for the younger one to be out, but this is getting harder as they get older. Hard to have a friend each round as it’s hard enough organising one (around work).

OP posts:
Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 09:43

I realise it’s important to address this, which is why I’m asking here. It's becoming more obvious as it’s become harder to get dc2 out of the way.

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 30/09/2018 09:46

Have you talked to the 8 yo?
I would set up a project with 8yoneg cooking, making clay or something that is one on one, and then have a few things planned for the older ones. At 11 they can go off to the park or play each other on Xbox/ PS.
I have the reverse - my slightly awkward younger one’s friends all go off with the elder one. This is happening less now they are both a bit older.

autumnboys · 30/09/2018 09:46

If you can’t arrange a friend round for dc2, maybe take steps to entertain him yourself. Baking/homework/new Lego kit.

A long time ago I had to work the other way round. DC2 had friends who gravitated towards dc1, who is kind and very good with younger children. In the end I had to keep him busy/out of the way if I couldn’t find a friend for him to have round.

DS3 has autism, so all play dates have to be very closely supervised.

autumnboys · 30/09/2018 09:47

Sorry, all that to say - my sympathies - it’s tough! I’m sure play dates used to keep me and my sister out from under our mum’s feet!

Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 09:54

Yes you’re right. I should be actively entertaining dc2. I need to work out a better plan.

I suppose I want them all to play together, but it’s not working.

I have tried to speak to dc2, but it highlights the issue and I don’t want to affirm it in a way that means that highlights dc2's better friend skills Sad

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ifiwasabutterfly · 30/09/2018 09:55

When they were younger I always made sure that they both had a friend over or that the other one was out. Not for exactly the same reasons but I found the other one always wanted to join in too and it often caused arguments.

I would also have a chat with the younger one at 8 they are old enough to understand to give dc1 and friend space.

user1471451866 · 30/09/2018 11:12

I always had a friend round for each (twins, but we had a similar problem)and if it was going a bit wrong i would contrive a reason to separate them briefly, e.g. Tom and Bob come and choose your pizza toppings/ice the cakes.
On the odd occasion only one had a friend i would be quite blunt and say Bob has come to play with Tom today Julie, you come and help me sort these socks out, or whatever.

user1471451866 · 30/09/2018 11:15

Just noticed you want them to play together, for the sake of your older dc it might be better not to attempt that. I had a more outgoing younger sibling, it was so annoying when she tried to join in with me and my friends!

Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 11:30

Just noticed you want them to play together, for the sake of your older dc it might be better not to attempt that. I had a more outgoing younger sibling, it was so annoying when she tried to join in with me and my friends!

Yes, this is what is dawning on me. It didn’t matter when younger, then it was nice they could all play. Now gradually the dynamics are showing and I am realising that if I’m not proactive, then there could be problems.

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youarenotkiddingme · 30/09/2018 11:30

This was my sister and me as same age difference.

My friends were always loyal to me but my sister was overbearing. I used to beg my mum to keep her out of my room to leave me and my friend be. But she had an art of coming in and being all "funny" knowing she was annoying me so I looked like the cow because I'd get pissed off.

But as the shy one o just wanted to have space to develop friendships without someone overbearing to contend with.

I agree with others about keeping them apart. Maybe give them some money to go out to a cafe for drink and cake as they are older and make your eldest feel that they are considered the older more responsible one (finances permitting).

I feel by my mum not setting strict boundaries for my sister to keep out of my way (she enforced it the other way because my sister was so Gobby) she got a sense of self inflated ego that has set her up to fail in later life.

I'm not saying it's deliberate and I can see you are desperate to help. I just thought it would be interesting (helpful?) to see it from the POV of that eldest shy child.

Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 11:38

^ That sounds like the situation developing here Sad. Especially down to the 'doing something silly/ attention seeking' bit.

I want all the help I can to help them. They’ve always had to muck in together because my dh works long hours, but as the older one is growing up, I see that things have to change.

It wasn’t a think when I was a child, because I was a different sex to my siblings, so there was already an unintentional divide between me and dbs' friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 21:23

Bump for evening crowd opinions Smile

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Witchend · 30/09/2018 22:10

I had exactly that.

I'd say to dd2, "now dd1 has a friend, please let them get on and go and do something" and two minutes later she'd be chatting and offering to show her latest toy cat or something.

I don't think it was malicious, but just that she liked to be around people and could play the sweet little sister very well. But also because dd1 never fought for the attention. So if dd2 was offering to show her latest toy cat, dd1 would just go quietly off and read. So friend would think she didn't want to play and leave her to it...
She also has done it to her younger brother in a different but similar way.

I worked on a few things. Firstly trying not to have dd2 around when dd1 had friends.
If they were both in, doing something with dd2 that dd1 and friends weren't really interested in.
Encouraging dd1 to use her own room.

I did also talk to dd2 about it, and if she started doing it, I'd call her through. At first she would deny it and say "well they asked..." but gradually she learnt to recognise it herself, and pull back without me saying anything.

I also made sure that if dd2 had friends, then dd1 didn't involve herself with them.

They now are older, and are perfectly comfortable that if one has a friend, they can join in only if they get an invitation from the sibling. It works well, and they're much more comfortable about letting the others join in than when it felt that it was one sided.

Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 22:30

But also because dd1 never fought for the attention. So if dd2 was offering to show her latest toy cat, dd1 would just go quietly off and read. So friend would think she didn't want to play and leave her to it...

Yes I totally recognise this as well... no maliciousness is meant, but Sad

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Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 22:32

They now are older, and are perfectly comfortable that if one has a friend, they can join in only if they get an invitation from the sibling. It works well, and they're much more comfortable about letting the others join in than when it felt that it was one sided.

This gives me hope.

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Original poster
AllAtHome · 30/09/2018 22:32

Thank you.

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TheBlueDot · 30/09/2018 22:35

You’ve helped set up the dynamic by encouraging them to play together. If one of mine has a friend over, I entertain the other one by doing some baking / gaming / board games with them.

You need to actively entertain your younger one and get her/him doing something else. Make it clear at the outset that the friend has come to play with DC1.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2018 22:42

We have a bit of this. I have to either
A) deliberately occupy the DC without a friend over
B) make sure I have got someone over for both DC (or if one is invited to play elsewhere seize the moment to get a friend over to ours for a playdate whilst the other is out)
C) take them out of the house - dynamics don't seem so bad in the park, for instance.

What usually happens is the siblings will fight (rather than the quiet withdrawal type of exclusion, it's a bit more explosive here!) and then the atmosphere gets awkward.

My DC1 has less secure friendships, added to which DC2 is good at the younger/more pliable thing but is also not afraid to exclude DC1 when it's their friend over. So DC1 might include DC2, but then get excluded next time. It's tricky. Same sex siblings close enough in age make for slightly harder dynamics, I think.

So alas, as far as I can see sucking up the logistics of having to co-ordinate playdates and being more supervisory is what it takes. I sort of internally sigh when posters here say they invite children over on playdates so they get time to themselves - I find it's the opposite and quite stressful!

youarenotkiddingme · 01/10/2018 17:41

Yeah I would just go off and wouldn't fight for attention either. My mums still now tells me off for being so passive but it's just the way I am. I say me being passive isn't the issue - it's the people that chose to take advantage of this.