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Original poster

People who've had compassion draining friendships chat here!

42 replies

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 29/09/2018 23:30

Hello,

Inspired by a few threads, anyone else had (ex) friends to whom they've thought you as good enough as a counsellor, compassion fountain and general nice person only to find they go FOOF! when you need anyone in your time of need?

I've come to the conclusion I have happened to know some very selfish self-involved people who saw me as less of a person more as someone to validate them. I was good enough as an emotional toilet but when bad things happened to me I became invisible.

This is a thread to vent and to chat any maybe meet people who treat you like a real person.

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 29/09/2018 23:35

Oh yes.

Random strangers offload on me, friends do the same.

Friend moved house every so often, leans on me then finds new local friends & poof, gone again.

Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 30/09/2018 07:50

Yep. It's like I'm good enough to be a counsellor or emotional toilet but POOF! if I need them they're gone. At University I got something of a reputation of being a bouncy people pleaser - but when I got depression after a messy breakup and a close family member having a life-changing stroke - it was almost like being bollocked for changing lanes and being depressed. It was like they 'owned' depression and how dare a depressed amature muscle in on the action?!

Do you find its you that calls them never the other way round?

OP posts:
overagain · 30/09/2018 08:04

Do you find its you that calls them never the other way round?

I recently started a thread on this. Got called all sorts! It isn't that I'm not a friend, or sympathetic it's just I'm experiencing compassion fatigue and the relationship is very one sided. She never asks how I am, just offloads all the time.

Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 30/09/2018 08:07

overagain I think I might have seen it but I didn't want to hijack it. I know about the compassion fatigue. I know you aren't meant to give to recieve but it totally sucks when its so one way!

Mind you I'm a bit lousy at keeping in touch - I'm an introvert but the times I've left messages on voicemail to no reply - I even have a thing called the triple crown - phone 3 people - go straight to voicemail 3 times and there's your triple crown!

OP posts:
AtlasQueen · 30/09/2018 08:42

Yes! Me! I started a thread in relationships about it too - not sure if it's one of the ones you're referring to.

What can we do about it though?

For the friend in question I've decided to try and go three weeks without starting a conversation or initiating something and see how that goes. I'm only day two though and I feel quite anxious about the whole thing. Given we talked most days if I don't hear anything by the end of day 4 or 5 I'm likely to feel quite bad about it.

AtlasQueen · 30/09/2018 08:43

john I think I have the triple crown too - started the last three conversations. It's time to pull back.

tectonicplates · 30/09/2018 08:45

It was like they 'owned' depression and how dare a depressed amature muscle in on the action?

I was actually unfriended by someone who thought she had the monopoly on depression. To be fair I was writing some negative stuff on Facebook (I know, I know) but everyone else was understanding and knew something was wrong. This friend of mine (who I considered a good friend) sent me a message one day to day she couldn't put up with my negativity, then she said we were never really friends in the first place and I was just someone she used to know from clubbing. That second bit was actually more hurtful than the first. I had to end up unfriending her partner too as it was too awkward otherwise, and I'd been friends with him for even longer.

couchparsnip · 30/09/2018 08:53

I had a friend like this, we have kids the same age.. She used to live near me and would drop by and chat and the kids would play.
She was going through a terrible time so I would let her unload etc. Then she moved 10 minutes drive away and I never see her. Its like I am suddenly too much trouble. She would make plans to meet me and on my day off and then not turn up and only see me if I bothered to go round there

I took far too long to realise I had been used. She could talk about missing me and how great our friendship was while we were together and then completely forget I existed.
I stopped ringing/texting and she never got in touch. Except to tag me on a facebook post about how terrible she was at keeping in touch..

Her loss.

Waddsup12 · 30/09/2018 09:36

I've stopped contacting people & it's been dead interesting. Very few have made any effort.

Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 30/09/2018 14:51

Yes that too. I remember after a falling out with some now ex-friends I did an experiment. I didn't phone them and 12 years later still no reply.

Thing is more recently my BIL happened to be at an event they were at and she said she missed being in contact with us. Because its so hard to phone someone who's phone number is the same for the past 15 years...

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 30/09/2018 15:11

I think for me the problem is a double edge sword. I am loyal, dependable and generous of spirit - which means I will always be around however shoddily you treat me.

I come across as dependable and together - a drama free zone - great you can unload on me as I NEVER have any emotional needs or bad stuff myself.

Or when I was younger and still now to some extent - bouncy and enthusiastic - wants to do fun stuff - fun to watch and hand around with but a bit of a wierd naive childish gonk you don't really want to be seen with despite the fact that I am a STEM researcher with a pretty solid reputation-

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 30/09/2018 15:14

overagain I wonder if those on your thread who were calling you out for complaining about being an emotional toilet are the same types who do exactly that without thinking.

Thing is when I'm unhappy i don't hide it but I don't tend to want to draw much attention to it either. It's so annoying when you are the one asking 'are you OK' 'what's up' but does anyone else ask you?

OP posts:
keepingbees · 30/09/2018 17:17

This is me. I have one of those faces that people just talk to, even strangers. I've stood listening to complete strangers life stories for hours at a time before, DH thinks it's hilarious. No one ever wants to hear a word I have to say though.
No one listens to the listener so I've found.

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/09/2018 17:30

Funnily enough, I've had a message from someone today who hasn't bothered with me for a bit! I am wondering what the reason for the contact is tbh. Perhaps they read this thread Grin or they want something It's someone I/we've done a fair bit for in the past and yet others who have been rotten to them get more attention Hmm That's just made me wonder if there is an issue with the meanies again not getting involved, no chance

Waddsup12 · 30/09/2018 17:33

My DH finds it funny too, he'll go off in a public place and by the time he gets back, I'll have been told someone's life story.

I'm getting better at not cracking and contacting people but it's hard and I worry I'll be left totally alone, friendwise.

PawneeParksDept · 30/09/2018 17:38

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

I had a friend, and it got to the point were I had to cut her off, a bit brutally, because I could no longer cope with every conversation being a one side sound off about everything she felt was wrong in the world plus a tunnel visioned obsession with one issue. I realised she didn't care about me in the least and was just a user. I felt like I needed to protect my own mental health from being the receptacle of her anger in the end.

Recently, I've realised that another friend doesn't text unless I text first so that's someone else I'm going to cease texting. Life's too short to have to do the running.

Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 30/09/2018 21:02

Thing is if it wasn't for my DH I get the feeling the number of people who would call me first I could count on the fingers of one hand - and that includes family.

OP posts:
PawneeParksDept · 30/09/2018 21:09

I totally understand that OP and yes it does make me feel absolutely shit too and I think that's why I've enabled toxic friends to stay in my life in the past because of this fear of having no friends

DailyFailstinks · 30/09/2018 21:21

Yes, me too! I’m no longer friends with the person concerned. I was there for her through various crises for 15 years and then when I needed her she was completely disinterested. It really hurt at the time but I realised that life’s too short to waste time on people like that.

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/09/2018 21:23

I used to years ago but now at the first sign of fuckery I despatch them like yesterday's newspaper.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 30/09/2018 21:49

I've posted about this person before - friend of reasonably long standing, lots of issues, the main one being ME/CFS at the moment. I try not to take it personally when she flakes on me and keep my mouth shut, but if I or anyone else has to turn her down, she takes to FB to moan and cry about how no-one understands and we're all evil disablist bullies.

If you do manage to meet up with her, she'll even complain the next day that she's so tired she can't move and try to guilt trip you for not acquiescing to her wishes that you come to her gloomy, grim house and watch films with her.

She's always been a bit of an Eeyore but she used to be funny with it - she's actually really good at telling funny stories. I wish she'd get help for her MH issues and stop hiding behind her ME (which I'm not convinced she actually has a diagnosis for).

Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 01/10/2018 18:50

You're damn right about the fact that no-one listens to the listener - it's back to the old getting angry at you for not filling your role. YOU'RE not meant to have emotional needs and get depression too - you're just the emotional toilet.

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 01/10/2018 19:00

I have had this too on several occasions, soaking up others dramas like a sponge, worrying about them, sorting stuff out. But when I needed a bit of emotional support they either disappear or their eyes glaze over. I have listened to the same dramas over and over and I find it insulting that they cannot be arsed to hide their boredom when I bring something up once. In the main I am self reliant and resourceful so I can cope with pretty much anything particularly now I am older so if somebody else starts to off load on me these days I smile in a non-commital way and offered no advice whatsoever. I think people are fundamentally selfish, some people can hide it but a lot have not a hope in hell of hiding the selfishness.

Original poster
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 01/10/2018 20:23

Mind you, I have made the mistake of thinking some acquaintences were friends. One person I thought I was OK with was until he launched a blistering attack on the evils of reusable nappies letting me know how stupid and gullible I was in the process. Thing is I kinda knew the source he was quoting from so I simply replied I have no tumble drier - and he unfriended me.

I had a look and found other ex-friends have at least been thoughtful enough to save me a job on Facebook I seldom Facebook these days

OP posts:
Reallywanttogotobednow · 01/10/2018 21:54

"It was like they 'owned' depression and how dare a depressed amature muscle in on the action?!"

This rings a bell! When I told an (ex) friend of mine that I'd been diagnosed with depression and was on pills for it, she reacted by saying that I didn't have "real" depression like hers, then changing the subject. Funny thing was that the rest of our old social circle made out that I was a terrible person for ditching her over that comment, even though they'd all dumped her years before for being draining.

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