People who've had compassion draining friendships chat here!

[JohnMcCainsDeathStare]

Hello,

Inspired by a few threads, anyone else had (ex) friends to whom they've thought you as good enough as a counsellor, compassion fountain and general nice person only to find they go FOOF! when you need anyone in your time of need?

I've come to the conclusion I have happened to know some very selfish self-involved people who saw me as less of a person more as someone to validate them. I was good enough as an emotional toilet but when bad things happened to me I became invisible.

This is a thread to vent and to chat any maybe meet people who treat you like a real person.

Mines just been back in touch. Surprise, surprise, after a disciplinary she's now claiming her boss is treating her unfairly. I told her I'm really unwell with a bug and she has just ignored me.

After listening to my friend rant for hours and hours at every perceived injustice, I went through a bad patch and as I was telling her about she suggested I ring The Samaritans instead

Phasing her out took two years but definitely started then.

for everyone on the thread.
I understand this type of situation all too well.

I’m not unsympathetic, OP, but I’ll say what I always say on these threads — all you can change is your own behaviour, and, if this is something that happens repeatedly, rather than in one or two friendships, you need to take some responsibility for your own behaviour in allowing the situation to continue.

I say this as the daughter of a mother who is exactly as you describe yourself — someone whose role in friendships as as the problem-free helper and listener and shoulder to cry on, who is used in crises and disregarded when times are good.

What she doesn’t understand is that she in part creates the dynamic — she thinks she’s being a good friend by trotting about doing all the helping and nodding and listening, but fails to realise that she’s making herself invisible by being, as you say, unfailingly loyal, dependable, undemanding and drama-free. In never claiming any conversational space for her own issues, she sets up a shrink/therapist-client relationship, where the client doesn’t expect the shrink/therapist to have any problems, and is resentful or baffled if they start to complain.

I suppose in your shoes I’d be asking what I could change about my own friendship behaviours to stop this dynamic recurring, rather than getting resentful about it. Yes, the other people are behaving badly, but if it’s a repeated situation in a lot of your friendships, you’re in some way facilitating it.

lalager that’s a really good post thank you, it’s given me something to think about

Oh I can relate to this. My mum died 8 weeks ago tomorrow and my friends have all but disappeared. I've been there for them through all their shit but the one time I REALLY needed them they all scatter.

I have thought about my own behaviour - thing is the CF friends all date from University - it was the first time in my life I was out of the hostile environment that was my home town. I guess I was so idealistic at the time that I tended to ignore that there are selfish ignorant people wherever you go - an expensive education makes it easier to hide. I have AS and that makes it harder to read people, but bizarrely other people often had a fail in reading me - there seemed to be several people who misinterpreted a friendly greeting to thinking I wanted to have sex with them!

I guess it felt good to be needed and have people like me. My first uni DP was like that - he made me feel strong and capable while he was a delicate little flower - of course when I needed him to be a support to me you can guess what happened. Not to mention being friend dumped a few times when someone cooler came along - Uni can be very high schoolish.

Thing is I have always been independant and resourceful and as I'm older and a parent I have harnessed my selfishness such that there is much less CFery in my life and the really important people including myself can be put first.

Thing is I know it was a long time ago but it still hurts that one of my ex-friends showed more emotional range over a toaster I scratched a little while washing it up than when after I found out about a parents life-altering injury. I wasn't expecting the world to stop but the lack of concern for me hurt.

Thing is I do have some high quality friendships now. I guess what got me was during my latest bout of jobseeking induced depression NOT ONCE did they ever give me a kind word, considering we'd been through similar. Thing was despite some political differences I thought we were in a good place.

I think some of this stems from them being in a friends rich environment while we were in a friends poor zone. I guess it's easier to dump people when there are people nearby who you can see rather than call.

I bet other people on this thread are Thread KIllers too. I know I am! I think it goes with being though of as a good listener. That's fine but how dare we have needs and opinions of our own!

Are you alright, OP?

This seems to be overwhelming you right now, do you have any offline support ?

deletes hugely outing post

Years into supporting a very close friend through all sorts of problems (health, dc with SN, problems re schooling, drink, drugs etc) I told her my dp had been diagnosed with cancer. Her single line text reply was "things are a bit shit for you too then".

Didn't speak to her again, found out she died recently.

StrongerThanIThought76

I got told "these things happen. See you around maybe" on Tuesday by someone who used to call herself my Sister when I told her how much I was struggling with my Mum's death.
What can you do eh?

I agree with the person who said that you can change your behaviour. I had a 'friend' with mental health problems, and learning difficulties. She latched on to me when DS was small and came to my house on a regular basis. She did this with a lot of other good, kind people. Over the course of about 20 years, although she would ask how I was she never really took any notice of the reply. I could have said 'I've got three weeks to live' and she would still have carried on talking about herself.
I always knew it was a one way street, but didn't know how to end it. Eventually I made up my mind that I couldn't cope with it any more and that was it.
I think some people genuinely need support to get through life. I was lucky in that I knew she had others looking out for her and I didn't feel guilty, just relieved.

I found moving away exposed the shallowness of the friendships I held dear.

I supported quite a few friends through really difficult times, which they would shout from the roof tops and thank me for, they seemed there for me too when I had minor problems. But although they cried buckets when I had to move to the other side of the country, it was out of sight, out of mind.

I really struggled with relocating, and when I spoke to them, they were so grateful for me ringing So they could off load, I never got a word in, when they had finished talking they'd then say oh "sorry I've got to go now bye"

But the worst, was someone who kept declaring on FB how upset they were I was leaving and posting sad songs to my page. But once I left wouldn't pick up the phone when I rang or ignore my messages, Occasionally they would send me a "Woahs me" message. But what pissed me off the most was every time there was a memory of us together on FB she'd post it, with lots of sad faces and I miss you SOooo much ect. Yeah she missed me so much she couldn't pick the phone...........

She's now moved a long way away, and I know she'll be feeling isolated and lonely like I did. I feel a bitch because I couldn't give a shiney shit. She's already started messaging me, to which she gets short replies. (as I not as much of a bitch as her to totally ignore her)

Relocation does go some way to explaining things. We did stay friends with a big group of people through a shared hobby but gradually we stopped doing it as it wasn't much fun - we sort of outgrew it and its one of those which involves camping and other stuff. That was when we lost a lot of friends as it turned out that most didn't want to stay in contact without that shared interest - to them there wasn't anything else.

I wonder if its the same for others here in that they live in a 'friends poor' environment while their ex-friends live in a more 'friends-rich' environment. It seems for some that any friendship that requires some degree of effort soon fall by the wayside.