Any practical tips to encourage a 2.5 year old to hold hands?

[Beyondtheshore]

Just that really. I have 2.5 year old twin boys, by and large fairly easy going and well behaved, quite behind with their communication though (not that uncommon with twins, but I think it’s part of the problem.) But they just WILL NOT hold my hand (or anyone else’s for that matter), and just generally don’t grasp the concept of walking in a set direction, staying on the pavement, etc. If I try to take their hand, they sit down and start to cry.

Reins don’t work. They don’t mind being put in them, but as soon as they realise they can’t actually go where they want, they (again) sit down and start to cry.

‘Hands or you go in the buggy’ doesn’t work, because they don’t mind the buggy one little bit. Problem is, I mind the buggy, because it’s big and heavy and it seems so ridiculous to have to get it out of the car to, for example, get 50 yards from the car park to the door of the soft play.

Threats or rewards don’t work - I think partly because they just don’t have the language comprehension to really understand them.

Does anyone have any practical suggestions of anything I could try? Should I just keep waiting for them to grow out of it? I can’t face the thought of lugging the pushchair around everywhere for such short distances when they’re 3 or 4. What would Supernanny suggest? Although I loathe Supernanny

When in the car explain quite clearly - you are to hold my hand until we get to X - if you don't hold my hand we will go back in the car and go home.

Then follow through

No need for any further explanation just return them to the car

I had this, but only a singleton. Except I also had a baby and DS wouldn't ride on the buggy board and he couldn't go in the buggy all the time as DD needed to some of the time (it was sling plus buggy = very heavy).
I did spend a lot of time with the "walk with me or I'll hold your hand" threat. He really really hated holding my hand so would sometimes do that, or else I'd hold his hand and he would bite/scratch/hit to get me to let go. So that was fun.
He did, actually, like the reins because then he could run without me stopping him (he was a bolter as well as a refuser).
But I always reckon reins are great for stopping them going the wrong way but no use for making them go the right way.
Can you try "reins and walk with me, or I'll have to hold your hand"?

Back pack reins. Lots of encouragement. Build time into where you need to go. Buggy for time-relevant issues otherwise yes stop and start is to be expected. They'll get the hang of it.

Sympathies, not easy.

The "hold hands or we go home" wouldn't have worked for us as DS would have chosen "go home", and sometimes you do actually NEED to go somewhere, or you need to for your own sanity.

Presumably they really want to go to soft play, so you tell them when you park up that they need to hold hands to cross the car park, if they don't then you go get back in the car. Most nt kids would understand that at 2.5.
If they hold hands, make a big deal of praising them when you get inside.

A friend of mine used to say to her children (and mine) 'you'd better hold my hand and stop me running off'. This was surprisingly effective.

Other than that, spell out the consequences for running away (we go home/you don’t pick a sweet in the supermarket/we do not watch tv at home today) and stick to it. Make sure the first few times you do it are times when you genuinely can put them back in the car and go home, ie, not a drs appointment. Good luck!

DS was terrible for letting go of my hand and running off. If he didn't hold my hand I'd carry him under my arm with arms and legs sticking out front and back (so not comfy, firemans lift would work as well) which he hated and so would beg forgiveness and then we'd try again but if he let go he went under my arm again. Much harder with twins though.

Threatening to go home only works if you are going somewhere they want to go to. Not so good for the supermarket.

Presumably they really want to go to soft play, so you tell them when you park up that they need to hold hands to cross the car park, if they don't then you go get back in the car.
In the moment, most 2.5yr olds will choose "doing what I want right now" rather than "listening to Mummy for 5 minutes and then getting to do what I want".
By the time they are 3 or 4, they would probably get the idea, but 2.5 is still quite young.
Also, OP needs them to go to soft play so she can actually sit down and have a coffee before it gets cold.

The backpacks with reins would probably be more useful than my suggestions, thinking about it, if their communication is a bit behind.

The not ever wanting to hold hands thing is a bit odd though. Will they hold hands with one another?

A long time ago when my son was at nursery there was a nanny that cared for a little boy (who I think may have had autism). She used to have a tiny teddy (possibly key ring) in the palm of her hand, the little boy had to keep teddy safe so held hands and she could hold his hand. It worked. Little boy never held hands/touched anyone else.

autumn my DS never wanted to hold hands until he was about 4 or 5, now he's OK with it.
My DD has been fine with holding hands with me or DH but won't hold hands with DS (he is a pain at times but holds hands really nicely with DD).
Some kids just don't like holding hands. I think for DS it was the feeling of being restricted - he is a jumper-refuser as well.

I used the wrist strap with my ds who hated reigns.

The teddy thing is really sweet, Memom.

That's a nice idea memon. Try wist straps, it sounds like they'd are a little too young and Impulsive at the moment for walking . I would get a lighter smaller buggy if it were me and just accept it!

I have a type of rein that teaches to hold hands it is great for my son. I also the it on to my backpack etc. I have 3 lengths.
It may be a bit tricky as you have 2 but maybe you could have then onto your handbag/ belt.
fist time I have tried a link. Hopefully it works.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XY6ZJ4D/ref=asc_df_B06XY6ZJ4D55916708/?hvlocphy=9046941&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&hvnetw=g&hvadid=255525430488&creative=22146&hvpone&hvlocint&creativeASIN=B06XY6ZJ4D&hvpos=1o3&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforum-21&hvtargid=pla-349547323890&hvrand=16514338479578023241

Also, OP needs them to go to soft play so she can actually sit down and have a coffee before it gets cold Amen to that, although I can’t remember the last time I actually got any sitting down done at soft play .

will they hold hands with one another?
No, they won’t. They won’t hold anyone’s as far as I can tell. I wondered at first if it’s a sensory thing, but they are generally very tactile, like cuddles etc, and will hold hands for ‘row the boat’, so I think it’s more to do with control and not liking the feeling of being constrained. The only time I’ve ever known them hold hands with anyone is with their big sister, who’s 4 - but that’s just when it’s play. If she tries to get them to go anywhere they don’t actually want to we get the whole sitting down and crying thing again.

Thanks for all the suggestions - food for thought! So many of them are to do with verbal communication / understanding, though, and they’re just not there yet, which is perhaps a big part of the problem. I can’t talk to them before getting out of the car or lay out consequences verbally because they really wouldn’t ‘get’ it at all. Is that odd for 2.5 year olds? The HV has been promising to make an appointment to assess their communication skills since I raised some concerns about it over the summer, but it hasn’t happened as yet. Perhaps I need to be a bit more persistent!

They sound a lot like my DS!
He was very verbal but also hated being constrained.

Wrist straps and the teddy thing are both interesting ideas. They do like following me round the kitchen holding one end of a tea towel while I hold the other. Bit of an odd look in the high street but perhaps I could adapt!

drspouse Did you DS suddenly just ‘get it’ one day or was it a gradual thing?

I do sometimes feel baffled by all the toddlers I see walking holding hands with their parents and wonder if mine have completely malfunctioned... But then I think, perhaps all the refusers are the ones strapped into buggies...?

My almost 2.5 year old doesn’t really get it either, he just wants to be carried between places so he is still carried and awful lot. Bit harder to carry twins though!

If you are concerned about their comprehension then definitely speak again to HV as I'd be more concerned about that than talking tbh.

As for hand holding, with twins I'd just be tempted to use the buggy tbh. If it's stressful and dangerous getting them places then it's better for everyone until they can get it a bit more

The wrist strap worked well with my 'flight risk' DS who would not hold hands. He is 3 now and walks next to me or holds hands nicely. At 2.5 he was like your boys and refused. I tell him that if he runs off kidnappers might take him.

That sounds like hell! Sorry, no suggestions.

We got a long way with talking up "big boy" reins but I think we got lucky.

Would they hold onto the buggy? Hold the buggy nicely or you'll have to hold my hand. And talk up what a grown up thing it is to hold the buggy. I know a few childminders, and either holding onto the side of the buggy or hanging straps from buggy handle and getting them to hold the straps is the norm.

I think it's a fairly common but made much more difficult with two. With one you can buggy them until old enough the scoot, but 2 of them on scooters would bring its own challenge...

Hold hands or mummy will carry you like a baby...win win he’s restrained both ways! Hard with twins though.

When we’re just walking on the pavement I hold the hood of his hoody/jacket.