Just stop thinking negatively and be happy...

[stuckinsecondgear]

....is what my DP has said to me. Well, says to me quite regularly actually, but last night it just really got to me.

Don't get me wrong, they love me and genuinely want me to be happy, but sometimes what they say is just.... beyond frustrating!

I don't know what else I can say to make her realise that these kind of comments are so counter productive. I'm not saying she should know the answer, but sometimes, I just need a hug.

I've had depression and, I would say, severe anxiety for a couple of decades now. Basically, my entire adult life. Actually since puberty.

All I remember is one day I was happy and carefree, like all my friends, the next, a dark cloud forms, I'm miserable and life seems exhausting. Almost impossible.

I've had loads of therapy, including CBT, but I can't help but feel as though this is just me. Like being unhappy and unfulfilled is my destiny. Not a nice feeling, but sometimes I feel as though I should put more energy into accepting that, than fighting, what sometimes feels like, the inevitable. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a rant about my DP. They really do try and support me. Tbf to them, they don't know what else to do.

Maybe they'd be happier without me.

Sorry, I should have made it clear that it would be nice to talk to people who relate or just have some good advice on how to move forward.

I never feel like I'm getting anywhere. My DP is very ambitious, successful and motivated and I'm almost the complete opposite, so feel as though I could bring her down with me. I don't want her to feel she has to be with me.

Is anyone about?

I don't have any advice to offer I'm afraid, but I couldn't just read and run

Have you been together long?

Onthebrink, thank you. Been together for 6 years and are married.

Yes I completely understand how you feel my mum suggested to me that I “put all that depression behind [me] and be happy now” ... wow mum, why didn’t I think of that sooner?!

I have no pearls of wisdom, except that you should try to hold on to some hope that one day it will get better. Because otherwise, “what’s the point” will set in, and then it just gets worse

I am in a very bad situation at present.

I live with my ex due to financial issues really, which is very hard as although I don’t want to be with him, it’s very difficult to be reminded every single day the life I wanted/planned/should have happened isn’t going to. It’s hard seeing him move on to another relationship, although I too am moving on. I am depressed and have been on meds before - came off them not too long ago and in some ways feel like I should go back on them again, but don’t want to.
Also suffering from chronic pain at present.

I have recently considered on more than one occasion driving my car into a wall, as it would be easier. The only thing that stops me - silly as it sounds - is that my dog would be left without my care and love.

I don’t know there’s any easy answer.
I make myself get out for at least an hour every day come rain or shine, I plan things to look forward to, I try not to beat myself up if I can’t manage to get up some days. I try to speak positively to myself when I’m over the worst of a particular cloud. Don’t worry about trying to get others to understand, they can’t. I didn’t before I was depressed.

JL, actually I've been saying those words a lot recently. I don't feel like this is the darkest place I've been in, but it's like I'm starting to think why am I still struggling? Why can't I have more than a couple of days where it feels easy?

I don't feel I matter and I really mean that. I honestly don't see what I bring to this world.

I suffer from mild to moderate depression. Been a tough year for me and my seasonal affective disorder is really kicking in now for autumn.

So I hear you.

As you say, your DP is trying to support you. They probably feel helpless to know what to do or say next. They can't get into your head and feel exactly what you are feeling, no matter how much they'd like to help you.

Time to really take charge of this. Have you been to see your doctor yet? A course of antidepressants could really kickstart things for you (get you out of that second gear you mention in your username).

Buy some hypnosis/subliminal for depression stuff and listen to it regularly. Audible.com lets you listen to samples first. I have to like a voice to listen to something like that regularly.

Check your diet and try to kick unhelpful habits you may have. For instance, do you drink alcohol? It has an effect of being a depressant on the nervous system and brain. Not what you need at all.

Do you sleep well? Bad sleep can really grind you down. Try to fix whatever is keeping you from a good night's sleep. Again, see your doctor if you need to.

Books can really help. An old favourite of mine is "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Check you have a balanced life. The book shows you how to make a grid of 9 boxes, each representing an element of your life. These should all be filled-in with things of your choice.

Interesting that you mention puberty as the turning point for you. That suggests a hormonal element. Have you noticed anything cyclical about your low moods? This may be something you could explore with your GP towards balancing you.

Are you still working at your CBT? It is something you need to keep doing, I think, to reinforce it in your life. Did you feel any benefit at all from it?

Please don't think YOU are the problem. You HAVE a problem. A problem that can be helped/fixed as it has for many others before you.

Keep posting OP - the fact you have reached out on this thread is a positive step.

I don't feel I matter and I really mean that. I honestly don't see what I bring to this world

You certainly DO matter, OP! We all do. Your life will have touched the lives of others. Your life matters to your DP - they married you because they wanted to share their life with YOU.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please don't give up hope.

If you can, OP, outline a typical day for us here, so we can get a feeling of what your life is like and what you can maybe add/subtract from it to help you.

It sounds like you really need to build up your self-esteem and feel you have power over your life.

I came from a dysfunctional family and I know how long it's taken me to build confidence and self-esteem.

Just out of interest, how old are you, stuck?

Woah! Op you matter! I know you matter and we have never met! Everyone matters! And I know how you're feeling I too have terrible depression and anxiety and I feel the same a lot of the time but trust me. People care for you and people love you. Can you imagine losing someone you love? They are important aren't they? Guess what? You're that person for people too ❤

I read this earlier and didn’t respond because I didn’t think you’d want to hear what I have to say.
For context, I have depression and feel suicidal frequently. I know you can’t just turn it off.
But... I use your DPs approach. I try to counter my negative thoughts. I try to pay attention to the things that would have made me happy pre-depression. I’ll point out nice flowers/ sunsets etc to the dc/ dh to make myself take notice and distance myself from the darkness. I smile at strangers to get smiles back (even when I want to cry). It doesn’t cure my depression but it helps me connect with the world, which helps me keep going.
I think there’s something useful in your dp’s suggestion. I can see how it seems like they’re minimising the problem, but I don’t think it’s their intention: I suspect it’s a strategy they use themselves which they’ve found helpful.
Sorry for not replying earlier. I hope you find your way forward.

Just a quick one to say thanks so much for all your lovely messages. I'm not having a good night, but will reply properly later.

Thanks again. You're all lovely and I'm sorry to everyone who can relate.

If you want to, tell us about your not good night. It might help to have a vent. Thinking of you

Nothing has happened really. I'm just struggling to function.

Thank you for caring

I will get back to this thread in the morning, OP. Just wanted to say that we are all here for you and I will be able to respond more fully in the morning. I hope you get some rest tonight.

How are things looking today, OP? Do you want to tell us a bit more?

Would you like to chat and have some help about how to make a plan going forward?

We are here for you.

Hi op
I don’t think you are alone as I’m in same boat occasionally an can’t fathom why.i can understand things that lead me to believe the negative stuff/anxiety due to a childhood trauma, but if I know this, why does it not help me live my life without the fear of something going wrong?!?!
I believe my default setting is to be negative/fearful/controlled- which is my df’s setting who bought us up and conditioned us, I know this to be frustrating too for other people ( I try to influence him to be positive) but I can’t seem to change the default setting myself! Argh.
I have no answers just that know your not alone

Hello lovely human.

I’m a bit of a black doggy person too. Things that help, sometimes:-

Telling my spouse what I need (“I don’t need you to talk, I just need a hug”)

Doing some sweaty, raised heart rate exercise at least 3 times a week (running is the single most effective and helpful thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. It is bloody magic. I think it’s partly being outside, partly the chemicals it floods my brain with, but also because when I feel like I don’t want to exist running allows me to feel my body wanting me to live in a very immediate, physical way - I can feel my lungs heaving in air and my heart hammering away to keep me going regardless of the shit my brain is trying to tell me and it makes me feel like my body loves me and wants me to live even when my head is talking nonsense. That feels embarrassing and over-sharey to write, but it is true nevertheless.)

Accepting that it’s ok to feel sad or flat sometimes.

Getting enough sleep.

Being outside.

Doing ‘real’, tangible, non-cerebral things like digging the garden, cooking, cleaning etc.

Really hope you’re on the up soon.

@verbena I completely agree with your description of running.

Morning,

Right, I've got a few minutes to reply properly now. I kept stopping and starting yesterday, as for some reason, even typing seemed too much of an effort and seemed to increase my anxiety, so thought I should just leave it for a bit.

Anyway, had a couple of coffees and some time alone.

user, Verbena, Gohack, JL, Howmany, Onthebrink and Spaniel*, thank you all so much for all your advice and lovely words. It means so much that people actually care enough to take the time to post. Honestly, I've found it really touching.

So to try and answer some questions- I'm early 30's, no I probably don't get enough sleep or exercise and I currently don't work, so my days consist of getting my DD up and ready for school, cleaning and tidying the house, cooking dinner, watch a bit of TV with DP, go to bed (get about 4 or 5 hours on average) get up and round it goes again.

I keep saying I'm going to start a course, volunteer or find a hobby, but I just can't find the motivation. The real problem is, I don't really believe in myself. I don't think I'm doing anything well or would do anything well in the future. I've never felt I've really succeeded at anything. I just sort of get by.

If I really think about it, I probably hid behind my dp's success when we were first together. It was almost like, 'look everyone! Look how amazing this person is and she chose me!' God that makes me sound like an utter arsehole, but for a while I think that gave me a confidence boost, whereas now, her ambition and drive almost highlights my failures.

I keep getting lots of flash backs recently of how I felt when I first started feeling like this, as a child. That dark, lonely and bloody scary feeling, was all consuming and nobody knew what to do with me. I almost feel sorry for that girl, as if she wasn't me and desperately want to go back in time and help her. Maybe the feeling is stronger recently because my own DD is coming up to the same age and I can't bear her feeling half of the darkness that I felt.

I do want to move forward and I'm sick of feeling stuck and like my life is slipping away and I'm letting it.

You don’t sound like a failure. Looking after a child and the household is meaningful, vital work, though it’s hard keeping hold of that in a culture that’s systematically devalued those roles over the centuries.

If you fancied giving running a try (I know I’m evangelical; it hoiked me out of a suicidal patch several years ago so I’m unreasonably preachy about it - do ignore me if I’m being a pest) the NHS couch to 5k podcasts really do work to get you from nothing to 30 minutes without injury or being so tough you give up before you’ve cracked it.

What are you into? It sounds like your days might be quite solitary during school hours so maybe a hobby/volunteering post/job that gets you in touch with other people during that time might be a good shout?

How would you help “that girl” if you could? Any ideas?

You sound like you’re stuck in a bit of a rut, with each day much the same as the one before it and (perhaps) nothing to look forward to.

My counsellor told me I need to try and do something every day which I enjoy and gives a sense of achievement - I find this really does help, when I manage to do it! Could you do the same? What sort of things do you think you could do to work towards that, it doesn’t need to be big things (baking, yoga, going for a walk etc)