Just stop thinking negatively and be happy...

[stuckinsecondgear]

....is what my DP has said to me. Well, says to me quite regularly actually, but last night it just really got to me.

Don't get me wrong, they love me and genuinely want me to be happy, but sometimes what they say is just.... beyond frustrating!

I don't know what else I can say to make her realise that these kind of comments are so counter productive. I'm not saying she should know the answer, but sometimes, I just need a hug.

I've had depression and, I would say, severe anxiety for a couple of decades now. Basically, my entire adult life. Actually since puberty.

All I remember is one day I was happy and carefree, like all my friends, the next, a dark cloud forms, I'm miserable and life seems exhausting. Almost impossible.

I've had loads of therapy, including CBT, but I can't help but feel as though this is just me. Like being unhappy and unfulfilled is my destiny. Not a nice feeling, but sometimes I feel as though I should put more energy into accepting that, than fighting, what sometimes feels like, the inevitable. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be a rant about my DP. They really do try and support me. Tbf to them, they don't know what else to do.

Maybe they'd be happier without me.

Hi,

Sorry for the delay. Had another rough day yesterday.

How would I help the 12 year old me? This was actually a very interesting and hard question. I would have thought it was easy, because I think about it a lot, but clearly not the details. I think I've just been imagining waving a magic wand, but what could I have actually said? Don't worry, it won't be like this forever? Well, it kind of has been. Of course there have been ups, but it's basically been two decades of feeling awkward and lost. So really, what could I have done? Told me to me stronger? Don't give up or run away , which is something I always did. I knew I was weak, but I didn't know how to change.

Verbena, I don't really know what I'm into tbh. I don't really know where to start. I think doing something physical would be a good idea though, as you say, as you can't argue the science behind it's benefits to MH. I do have a dog and so I get out for at least 45 minutes or so, but even that brings out the anxiety in me, as I assume it's only a matter of time before I'm attacked. It's horrible, because where we live is really beautiful and there are some gorgeous walks and whereas I appreciate that, I can't help but worry that someone is probably lurking in the bushes. That's how my mind works.

Basically, I'm just scared of everything. Possibly success, because I'm then scared of failure, which is odd, because I'm used to failing.

People are considerably less likely to attack someone with a dog as even small dogs can be unpredictable- maybe use that thought against the fear?

Getting strong can be quite a good antidote to feeling vulnerable. What about trying weight training or learning to box or go to a climbing centre and do some bouldering?

I do think exercise could be a good move as it’ll help you experience yourself as capable and strong and resilient.

Other assorted hobbies from me/friends/family in case anything takes your fancy...

Fell running (great if you live somewhere beautiful)
Paddle boarding
Sailing
Fishing
Canoeing
Gardening
Growing veg
Cooking/baking/making jam and pickles and chutneys
Chocolate making
Knitting
Dressmaking
Patchwork
Silversmithing
Ceramics
Photography
Brewing beer
Painting
Scrapbooking/art journals
Reading
Writing
Woodwork
Spoon whittling
Printmaking (Lino cutting is satisfying and you can do it at home without access to a printing press)
Cycling
DIY
Swimming
Triathlon/iron man (not me. Lunatic!)
Badminton
Boxing
Climbing
Crochet
Scrabble

(Um, yes we’re a load of hippies and Luddites.)

Your self-esteem sounds like it’s in a slump, which means your perception of your own value will be really skewed. Have one week where you only say things to/about yourself that you’d happily say to/about your daughter and see if that’s any use?

Verbena, wow, that's a long list of things I'm not doing 😬

Actually, I have been thinking about some sort of self defence or kick boxing class. When my anxiety is really high, I can sometimes feel quite angry and have all this negative energy that I need to get out of me. I remember one night, not being able to sleep due to my anxiety (not unusual) and I got this overwhelming desire to punch the wall. I'm not a violent person, but it was quite intense, so maybe something like kick boxing could be a good outlet.

I actually went back to attempting to learn the guitar again today. Dp plays and was self taught and I had a go a couple of weeks ago and I found it quite easy to pick up.

Look up ACT. It’s acceptance and commitment Therapy which might be more helpful than CBT. I’m not a huge fan of CBT. Is that the only therapy you have had? If so you could consider some bog standard counselling. It can be surprisingly powerful ime. Best of luck.

I understand OP, my DM always says this to me or she says I'm being like my DF (depression/anxiety run down his side of the family). She's trying to be helpful as she's believes you shouldn't dwell on it but she's one of those shiny happy people and I don't think she understands so it just makes me feel worse. I don't have any diagnosed MH but I've always had issues with feeling quite gloomy for want of a better word. Like a lot of time I feel like there's no point to anything and I just want to be asleep all the time and not deal with life. I've had counselling in the past when my anxiety was getting really bad and I needed to get some perspective. I agree with pp who say moving, I try and go outside every day as many times as I can and walk around. I also volunteer and sign up to various classes to give myself other things to focus on (something creative like drawing could be good?) Sorry if none of that is helpful, I just wanted to commiserate.

Shit, I wasn’t trying to be a dick! Most of them are things I’m not doing too, was just thinking something might catch your eye.

Kickboxing sounds a great idea, and I can’t believe I forgot about music! Also a great plan.

Thanks, Mrs. I will do.

going, it's always helpful to hear you're not alone and people understand. Glad you're taking steps to help yourself... literally!

Verbena, not at all! Sorry, I hope it didn't come across in an arsey way. It was really sweet of you to take the time to write the list in the first place. I just really need to get a hobby!

Sometimes focusing on just one small achievement each day is helpful. And, yes, some days that achievement is going to be 'Got up, showered and got dressed.'

And BTW any advice that begins with the word 'Just' is going to be crap. (As in 'just' lose weight, 'just' do it, 'just' climb K2, 'just' win a million pounds... 'just' [insert impossible and completely ridiculous task that might make you smile]...)

My DP is currently in quite a major slump. It's been a steady decline since earlier this year. Pretty sure if i told him to look on the bright side he'd give me the death stare as it is not helpful! He has been told to keep a mood diary type thing which really pissed him off initially but actually it has really helped; he writes down what he has done in the day too so if he has a day he thinks he hasn't done anything constructive he can check.

Martial arts is freaking awesome i have found to counter anxiety. I'm generally an anxious person & i suffer with cycles of depression, and it centres a lot around historic issues where i've been vulnerable & unable to prevent events. I'm doing ju jitsu every week & it has really helped. Initially i was really meek & 'omg i can't do that because...' but now i go in & take my weekly frustrations out there. It also has helped me mentally because everything we do feeds into real life situations.

Hi, it does sound like you could be just fucking exhausted. I battle depression (and bipolar & anxiety) and can only function if I get total respite for a couple of days - just sleeping & eating healthily. Get the sleep fixed with anti anxiety medication or mood stabiliser?

You weren’t a bit arsey, I worried I was sounding smug and in need of a slap . No apologies required.

Would it be acceptable to suggest exercise.
Laughter-maybe just a box set of some funny program/ comedian
Or some positive quotes you could (stick up everywhere) learn to repeat

Ignore me if that’s stupid or you’ve tried that

May I suggest buying a copy of "Depressive Illness - The Curse Of The Strong" by Dr Tim Cantopher, and getting her to read it (and you)? It explains what depression is and why it happens, and also explains that you CANNOT just "snap out of it." If someone tells you they have cancer, you don't say "well, stop having cancer and get better" and if someone has a broken leg you don't say "well put it back together again" do you! Depression is a physical illness (the books explains this) that needs treatment: rest, medication and/or therapy.

One of the things I have learnt as I have got older is that there is no point to life, we are not here for a reason, humankind is just an accident of nature.
I know that sounds really sad but actually I find it quite freeing. You can do what you want, find happiness where you can, you do not have to be some kind of super being.

So as other poster have said just do something you enjoy. Exercise is good but so is watching a funny film. Go out and look at the flowers, stroke a cat. None of these is particularly 'worthwhile' but it doesn't actually matter as long as you get some pleasure from them.

Most of all be kind to yourself.

Fairlyliz I actually love that!

I’m going to look into ju jitsu. Thanks for starting this thread, OP. I hope it’s helping you?