Are you happy? Is it a realistic goal?

[AtlasQueen]

I was talking about this with a friend this weekend; she was saying she never really remembers a long period of her life where she has been happy and that it's an unrealistic goal for her. The best she thinks she will ever be is content but has made peace with that, and that society places too much expectation on us to seek happiness.

This makes me sad but then I've had periods of my life when I have been happy so still hold out hope for similar periods again. I'm very lucky though in that my MH is more in control than hers, for which I attribute to genetics or brain chemistry rather than anything I do or don't do.

What do you think? Are you happy?

Despite a MMC and losing my beloved grandfather in the spring I am happy. I have had 2 or 3 very dark periods during my life so far and had a very difficult childhood. However, I find that the good times shine all the brighter in contrast to the bad. I don't need a pay rise and luxury holiday in the upcoming weeks to feel happy. I am very appreciative and content in my fairly bland every day life.

You hear stories every day of people whose children are battling a life-threatening illness, people whose lives are devastated by death or addiction or disability....
I am very aware that my apparently beige little life is full of such blessing. I try not to be ungrateful for it, or to fall into the trap of thinking "if only I had/was x, y or z, then my life would be good". It's good now.

I'm more inclined to you friends way of thinking OP, I'd be happy with content iyswim.

Content implies that everything is satisfactory, no major stress in any area of life. If the majority of anyones life was like that I'd consider them fortunate.

Happiness implies something more than contentedness. Although short bursts are lovely, surely it's being able to compare them to the more mediocre or hard times that makes you realise it is something more than satisfactory.

I agree also. I’d settle for content.

Yeah, content is realistic and I'm, er, content with that.

I’m pretty much always happy.

I would be sad for short periods of time if something bad/sad/upsetting
happened, and I’m sad if I think about loved ones I’ve lost but I’m pretty much always happy otherwise even if things aren’t going that well in my life.

When I was very young I read something about choosing to be happy. Choosing to find joy and beauty and fun in life, making an active, positive, choice every morning.

I know it’s not so easy for everyone and MH issues make it very hard for many but focusing on the positives even if they are just little things can bring a lot of joy.

I strongly believe that happiness is something you need to self generate.

Content is the sane state. Happiness is peaks (and very nice), but the idea of seeking happiness, a la the "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" is undignified, not fitting for a grown-up. But then I'm a fan of the Stoics.

I now see that to be a "fan" of the Stoics is a contradiction in terms:o

Is this changeable do you think? If someone is often or usually unhappy can that change?

but the idea of seeking happiness, a la the "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" is undignified, not fitting for a grown-up

Surely it depends what you mean by “seeking happiness” Echt? I find happiness in my children, in a lovely sunset, in a pretty garden, in a sunny day, a good book or in music. None of which you would find “undignified” presumably?

You don’t have to go out into the world to seek happiness, it isn’t out there, it’s within you. (Cliched but true!)

Atlas I don’t know, but I don’t think it would do any harm to try? Start looking for the positives, the small comforts and beauty in life.

I heard once that the way to be happy is to be nostalgic for the time you are living in. So noticing and appreciating everything today.

That said, I think happiness is chemical. I have periods where I am unable to experience it.

This year, I have cut out alcohol and make sure I exercise regularly and get enough sleep in order to give my brain the best chance at having a positive experience. I also take a low dose of antidepressants.

I would say this year I have been significantly happier than for the last several.

Up until a couple of years ago I'd have said no, but after two years of therapy I now say yes I am happy and it is a realistic goal.

A lot of this is going to be about perspective and then what individuals think happiness looks and feels like. I had a lot of trouble growing up but as soon as I left home I had a positive outlook. If my cheap run down car had broken down in the middle of no where and I had no money
I thought "at least it's not raining". Not in a fixed smiley way, I've just been aware of how much worse things could be for me personally. I'm v resilient so not much gets me down. I address any trouble head on knowing that after I can chill, as opposed to thinking "oh why is there more trouble". I expect there to be more trouble and I'm at peace with that. I'm very happy.

I would describe myself as happy. There have been times of deep pain in my life (DH died before he was 30) but either side of those legitimate times of experiencing grief and all that goes with it, I am happy. I'm a single parent, by adoption, to an amazing child. They have some extra needs, it can be intense, but mainly I feel so lucky. My body is broadly functioning, when it hasn't always been, so I appreciate that.

Most days I try and scribble down at least 1 thing I'm grateful about, just in my ordinary appointments diary. It resets me if I've had a hard day, and it means I build a whole year of moments I don't want to forget - some small, some big. This week so far has been really busy, plans have failed, work has had problems ... but my diary notes include: fantastic harvest moon tonight; really great run this morning easier than last week; thank goodness for X in the playground who always makes me laugh.

I think being actively happy all the time would be exhausting!

I am happy with all the major pillars of my life - job, relationship, kids, family, friends - and I am really content most days. This is illuminated by flashes of genuine active happiness. Usually two or three times a week.

Does that make sense?

A lot of this is going to be about perspective and then what individuals think happiness looks and feels like

I think that’s very perceptive Duds.

Reading this thread it seems that some other posters think of happiness as big fireworks. I think of happiness as a cheerfully burning candle in the window everyday.

I guess you’re right - it is about perspective.

For those who’s happiness has changed, has is been about external or internal things? I find the therapy point interesting too. I’m certainly a lot happier after a counsellor taught me how to react to situations without setting the situation on fire, a fire I’d then have to clean up

For me it's internal, nothing has changed externally really but having time with a really good counsellor who I trusted has brought me a balance that I never thought I'd have. For me it was childhood stuff that was affecting my everyday life, my relationships and my outlook. I was constantly anxious and now the majority of that has gone and when it begins to trigger now I know how to comfort myself. It was expensive and very very hard there were times when I wanted to stop because I just felt so sad for a day or two after every session (initially) but I'm glad I stuck with it. I live in peace now which is lovely.

but the idea of seeking happiness, a la the "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" is undignified, not fitting for a grown-up Surely it depends what you mean by “seeking happiness” Echt? I find happiness in my children, in a lovely sunset, in a pretty garden, in a sunny day, a good book or in music. None of which you would find “undignified” presumably?

You found happiness, which is not the same as seeking it. It is the latter I find undignified. Its very strenuous connotations are counter-productive,

You found happiness, which is not the same as seeking it

Isn’t it Echt? I actively look for it, consciously focus on the happy feelings those small (and sometimes big) things give me.

Is the difference that I’m seeking something internally rather than externally?

I’m not abandoning my life to go on a dramatic voyage of self discovery. Is that the kind of thing you find undignified?

For me, happiness is very much like the feeling you get when you've climbed a mountain peak in bad weather: you're maybe exhausted, you're probably wet and scratched and aching, but you got through, you made it, you set out to do something difficult and you did it.

I fell in love as a teenager with a man I met on a foreign holiday, we had no money, no future, but eventually after 10 years we were able to get married and, despite money worries and other worries, it was a happy marriage. That is happiness, looking back thinking "I fought for that and it was worth fighting for".

We had a child who turned out to be disabled and with MH issues: I gave up my career to care for her and she is now an independent adult, studying the thing she cares for most in the world. I fought for that and it was worth fighting for.

I started a big project a year or so before I realised she was disabled: 20 years later and I have just finished it. I fought for that and it was worth fighting for.

I am restarting my career now, in my mid-fifties, prospects are looking pretty bleak but I know it's worth fighting for.

But that definition of happiness also means it doesn't exclude pain. I can experience high anxiety (I do) and still have a sense of happiness. Because I know I am pushing myself through the brambles up the hillside; I may not reach it but I am attempting the climb.

I am very much of the "life is a valley of tears" school of thinking. But I don't necessarily feel that excludes happiness.

Quite a philisophical question, its so unique to each individual and what they percieve as 'happy'. Im another one for being content, but if I'm content I would also consider an element of that to be happiness. I would say that day to day its more normal to be content with moments of happiness at good news, achieving something etc and elation for those very special moments in life. X

You found happiness, which is not the same as seeking it.Isn’t it Echt? I actively look for it, consciously focus on the happy feelings those small (and sometimes big) things give me

In the post I responded to you said you found happiness, which is why I said what I said.

Yes, the pursuit is undignified, rather strenuous. Better to to be content and acknowledge the happiness when it turns up. I would imagine relationships are at the root of contentment.

I’m doing ok, just middling alone really. Life could be better, but it could be worse too. I try and keep a positive attitude. It’s only around my period that I’m unhappy and everything comes to a head and I’m weepy for a few days.

Yes I think I am happy. I lost my dad this year to cancer and life has thrown more challenges my way but, on the whole, I am happy with life. I am never going to be rich or own my own home but life is OK. I used to struggle with my expectations of what made for a happy life but I spend my working days with children who will not make old bones, children and families who are facing some really, really tough situations and it made me re-evaluate how I view my own life.

I always think of happiness and content as synonymous, but if by happiness we mean a kind of exhilarating joy, I find that kind of happiness has to be paid for dearly. Contentedness, for me, is having some degree of autonomy and no major worries or health problems. Even so, it's harder than it sounds. The whole expectation of seeking happiness thing, in its current form, we owe to the advertising industry - an obvious point in theory, but quite difficult to deal with in practice.