Did your relationship suffer after having a baby?

[donttknowhattodo]

I had DS already when I met my OH so I didn't think having a baby together would make a difference. But since we have come home with her it's been awful. I have seen on Facebook that an old friend that recently had a baby has split up with his partner already and baby is only a few weeks old!

Just curious if other relationships have had this "struggle" and gotten over it?

It definitely changes your relationship because the babies needs surpass your partner's needs!

However it is ever changing

Yes, we split up.

I think having a child made me realise what a manchild he is though. Lovely man, very intelligent, very interesting...terrible partner.

We split up !!! Youngest was two . Fatherhood brought out all his bad qualities

Yes, 3.5 years later we rarely have any quality time together. I almost had an affair. But ultimately I think deep down I still love him but I've not coped with the massive life change very well and it has changed us as people a bit as well.

Not at all, made us stronger if anything. But I think if there are any underlying issues in the first place, kids will bring them out. You also need either a bloke who's going to pull his weight or to not be bothered about having one that isn't.

I found that mine and DHs relationship changed but not negatively.

Yes there was the occasional cross word spoken out of exhaustion but as long as you don't hold a grudge it's easy to forget.

DD is now 5 months old and we're very close. We appreciate that each other is tired but we pull together as best we can and try and make a point of having some quality time together every night when the kids are in bed.

Fuck yes. I realised what a cocklodger he was and how ungrateful he was for anything that I did all the while harping on that he didn't know any other husbands who washed up and tidied up (once a month at most)
dotn regret my DC at all however they're the best things that every happened to me.

Yep. It broke us up.
He was happy spending our money arranging to meet prostitutes and racking up debt whilst I spiralled into PND that nearly killed me.
Making him leave was the single biggest thing I have done for myself and my mental health and I’m fucking proud of it and of being a single mother.
Hope you’re ok OP.

My DH is amazing with our child but I've struggled with him, he doesn't help around the house as much as I would like and we don't seem as connected.
Baby's are fabulous but do change relationships!

Yikes! That's the thing my OH isn't lazy he's a brilliant dad does everything looks after all of us. We're just not getting on everything turns into an argument.

It's the sleep deprivation mainly. DH and I never argue, honestly it's just not something we do, but when the DC were tiny and we were knackered we had some massive rows! If it's good you'll get it back I think.

Yep! After our second DC I suffered from PND and our marriage fell apart.

It's a massive change, I think on the whole it has made us stronger but DS was born early spent 10 weeks in hospital and came home on oxygen. I had two older DD's as well, so we didn't really have much choice we had to work together or everything would have gone to shit.

Having children pushed our relationship to the brink. We are getting better. I can't say especially how or why, other than we continued to keep working together to try and make our relationship work.

Yes, our relationship has suffered, but not as badly as some PPs.

Our relationship was pretty solid to begin with and I think that’s why we’re still together and working on things, despite the baby having made everything so much harder.

He has always more than pulled his weight with the housework. (I often wonder why women think - hope? - a lazy partner will change after children arrive, it never seems to happen!) I was already doing more of the “wifework”, specifically emotional labour and organising holidays and social life. Now I feel that the “mental load” is heavier since I’m always thinking about son and everything he needs - on top of everything else - so that’s been difficult and added some stress and resentment on my part.

The main issue though has been extreme sleep deprivation (DS had CMPA and reflux which was undiagnosed for a while) which has affected our mental health and made us much less patient with each other. Plus the we just don’t have the time or energy to relax or have fun together - we’ve fallen into the cliched trap of putting ourselves (as individuals but also our marriage) last, after 1. Baby 2. Work 3. Housework! We are working on carving out some time for ourselves. Better sleep (TOUCH WOOD) is helping.

I know that premarital counselling is a “thing” and I think that pre-TTC counselling should be one too! It’s even more important as imo having a child together is a bigger commitment than marriage. I think it’s crucial to discuss expectations around the key topics: parental leave, how much time does each of you want to take, what do you each want in terms of being a SAHP or doing paid work full or part time, childcare including how you feel about grandparents doing some, current lifestyle and whether either of you needs to change anything (eg reduce time on hobbies or quit smoking or whatever it is), if not yet married do you want to be, do either of you have strong feelings about any particular parenting styles or topics, religion, education etc... I could probably go on!

Anyway DH and I had discussed the main points before our son was born so there were no nasty surprises afterwards, I expect that could be a real sticking point for many couples.

My OH is fab! It's made us stronger, he took 3 months maternity so has a fab understanding of how hard it is. But we both do 50/50 of everything and we each pull our weight. We book days of work for 'date days' x

Sorry to say it split us up too... 6 months after DS was born.
I had PNA, he spiralled into full blown alcoholism and it was leave, or end up in a psych unit.

I left.

It has changed us yet. I'm tired constantly and we hardly ever get time to do things alone. We do work as a team which is great but I'd be lying if I said our relationship was the best it's ever been!!

I meant he's not yet!

Yep we split up.

Turns out he was a tosser.

Fucks sake I meant yes!!!

I haven't been on the wine honest

Definitely changed because it changed us. We’re a good team and we function well together but we get such little time on our own that we can sometimes forget our own romantic relationship completely.

IME, children highlight your weaknesses

op

My daughter’s father is good dad, we co-parent well apart, granted I grit my teeth a lot to make it so. But his love for his daughter has never been in question.

I am by no means a “the baby takes over all” sort of woman. A baby does take over to some extent though and that’s when you see how adult a man really is imo.

Yeah, we separated temporarily. I had PNA and having spent years supporting his depression he checked out because he couldn't cope. Hard going and I'm not entirely sure the relationship will survive.

Yeah, for the worse.