Perspective needed - I made another Mum cry yesterday.

[widgetbeana]

I need some help to decide if what I did was ok, I felt right about it in the moment but then this poor woman cried and I feel worried I did wrong. Tell me what you think.

I was at a busy playpark yesterday with lots of children. There is a tall treehouse thing which has a slide out of it. There are steps around the back to get up to it, but doing this is out of eyeline of the slide.
There was a small boy, probably nearly 3ish, at the top of the slide he wasn't coming down but wasn't letting anyone past. His mum was at the bottom of the slide cajoling him 'come down x, come on darling, ok well let the other children come down etc'. He wasn't moving, this continued for 3 or 4 minutes. During which time the queue of children waiting snaked all the way back through the tree house and down the step sections.

Not sure why, but then he turned and started to hit the other children around him. Really hitting hard, one little girl next to him in particular was getting beaten around the head and face. His mum then walked off around the back to go up and get him. Lots of parents at the foot of the slide were shouting at the little boy to stop hitting, there were 4 children crying from being attacked and he wasn't stopping. So I ran up the slide to get to him and took his hands and said 'don't hit them, it's not kind'. The mother then appears behind him and sharply tells me 'I can handle this'. She lifts him down the steps. I go back down the slide.

A few minutes later she appears beside me telling me she doesn't think I needed to intervene, that my child wasn't in danger from him. I told her that none of those children up there were my children actually, mine had changed her mind and left the queue. I calmly told her that he was hurting and scaring the children and I couldn't let him do that. She said 'he is very tired and only little' so I replied ' I totally understand that, we all have days like this, but I had to step in, he was really hurting them'. Then she burst into tears. I told her it was ok, we all have days like this. But then her friend came over, gave me an evil look and took her away.

I feel bad now that she cried, but I also feel like there were 4 children crying and scared. Did I do the wrong thing?

OP, I am sure you didn't mean to hurt or frighten the child or his mother.

I would hold back from getting involved next time if doesn't involve your child, especially if the parent is already on the scene. She may not have been able to climb up the slide like you did but she was doing her best to get there.

It is a grey area about the touching of children and one that would be better avoided with words or removing other children.

If the idea of people shouting at a three year old because he was hitting other children is terrifying for him maybe his mother should have got up there sooner.

As for 'everyone knows you don't tell another person's child off' - absolute crap! Maybe that's why we have kids being hit on buses, under the nose of other passengers or being bullied on the way home from school. Because some people are scared to step in to deal with situations if parents aren't. If the mother couldn't sort her child out then someone had to step in. Shouting at him may well have upset him. I would imagine being hit upset the kids he did that to. But hey, that's OK. Someone may have pushed the kid (can't say I blame them if he wasn't letting anyone through and standing his ground) - or of course he could just be a brat whose mum has no control over him because she pussy-foots about.

And if the queue was building what the heck was the mother doing trying to cajole her child down - stop being a namby pamby and get the kid out of the way! It's easy, you go up, pick them up and carry them down. Next time the child would either not go on it because he realises it doesn't work for him or play on it properly. Either way, he'd have learned that when mum says come down, you come down. Then maybe she wouldn't have to be so weepy. And what was her friend doing all that time? She was there to lead her off so why didn't she go up to help.

Cathf Another child hitting them will not be arrested if they caused bruising. OP could be accused of anything where as a child is not considered to be culpable because of the fact they are a child.

Aside from the wider aspect of crossing a boundary when it was unnecessary anyway because the child’s own mum was right there.

OP, I'm sure you've already decided this for yourself, but just in case, my recommendation is to disregard Snowy's advice.

OP, I'm sure you've already decided this for yourself, but just in case, my recommendation is to disregard Snowy's advice.

x2

I don't see any controversy. It sounds like you handled it well OP - you spoke to the child, stopped what was happening for long enough for his mum to get him, you explained yourself to the mum politely and rationally, and you were understanding towards her.

I'm sure most of us have had times when the stress of our childrren's behaviour has made us tearful. It wasn't you that made her cry OP. She might have realised that going up the slide would have been a better option in retrospect, she might have been torn between wanting to help her child get down that slide and not knowing how to cope with the fact that he was causing a queue, she probably felt embarrassed, stressed or overwhelmed.

I've experienced or witnessed a few experiences like this, sadly sometimes other mums just yell or make snide comments rather than step in usefully like you did, so perhaps the friend thought that's what was happening.

You did exactly the right thing and don’t let any snowflakes tell you differently.

You got to the situation quicker than the parent, you stopped him continuing to hurt other children and you spoke gently & calmly to him. You didn’t ‘tell off’ the child or the Mum and when she approached you, you were kind. Far kinder than many would have been on hearing ‘He’s tired’.

It could have taken even longer for her to get to him if she couldn’t get past the other children and that’s longer that other children were getting hurt & scared.

The world was a FAR better place in the ‘70’s when people looked out for other people’s children & weren’t scared to tell them off or, god forbid, hold their hands to stop them hitting child.

‘It takes a village to raise a child’ is a MUCH healthier attitude than ‘how dare you look at my precious child’.

You did the right thing 🌷

It's funny how in the world of mumsnet you can pick out the people who you would gravitate towards in real life. @StealthPolarBear @DorasBob

Also @LydiaLunch7 !

I can see both sides of this, but I come down in favour of yours.

I can see why the mother wished to deal with it herself. Why she was embarrassed and why she cried, you fixing it draws more attention to it and it makes it seem like she wasn't handling her own kid appropriately.

But, for whatever reason, she wasn't handling her kid appropriately. No matter the behavioural issues she was dealing with or how overwhelmed she was, her son was hitting other children, and she didn't deal with it as fast as she could or should have.

I'd likely have done something similiar to you, but in response to her " I can handle this" id have responded with " well you weren't were you" or " I suggest you handle it quicker next tine".

But conversely if I was the other mother, I'd likely have said as she did and been pissed you stepped in. Becayse I'd have been embarrassed about it.

Hopefully when she calms down she will see you did nothing wrong.

People who expect their children to be able to hit other kids and no other adult to step in, to just wait till they deal with it, are going to get a shock as many folks won't do that. They will fix it if you don't.

@widgetbeana

So true, it’s wonderful when you meet a likeminded (read:normal) person at playgroup etc!

I can't believe that snowy poster. A bit sinister in a way. The victim must never speak out. You must never stand up for a victim. The perpetrator always has a reason for their actions. What a world we are going to be living in if you are taught you can always get away with anything. And I feel really sorry for Reception teachers.

The world was a FAR better place in the ‘70’s when people looked out for other people’s children & weren’t scared to tell them off or, god forbid, hold their hands to stop them hitting child.

Back when you could give them a good clip round the ear I suppose?

The thing is that we will never know if the OP handled this well, as only she knows how firmly she gripped that child. And he can’t articulate it. And that’s why not touching other people’s kids is relevant because we only have her word for it.

I don’t think ywbu to talk to him. But the holding his arms, opens a can of worms you didn’t need to be involved in.

's funny how in the world of mumsnet you can pick out the people who you would gravitate towards in real life. @StealthPolarBear* @DorasBob*

Funny that they are agreeing with every word you say or the while being rude to me. Strange that.

Look at it this way op

She thinks yabu for Touching her child

If you had not other children* would have been physically hurt*
*
You are less unreasonable for touching her child than for not*

Crikey, he was only 2 ! You sound like you love a bit of drama. He was probably a bit anxious..he knew he needed to come down but was overwhelmed by all the commotion around him ! I would have made a joke about it and try to encourage him down kindly. His poor mum !

I haven't RTFT but I think the fact that by the time you intervened his mother was right there by his side too means YWBU. Your intervening achieved nothing, you knew she was already on the way and would reach him at the same time as you, so why did you do it? Out of annoyance?

I don't get that. Yeah, if you were trying to get her kid to stop hitting in the quickest possible time I could understand, but you knew his mum was already on the way and you'd be only a split second quicker launching yourself up the slide to tell him off.

Slightly different timings and I would have been more sympathetic, like if started towards him whilst his mum was still procrastinating. That's not to say I think you were massively out of order or anything, I just think it probably wasn't the best idea ever. That's with the benefit of hindsight.

"If your child wasn't there then no, you shouldn't have intervened"

Seriously? Of course you should intervene if somebody of any age is getting hurt by somebody else, whether or not they have anything to do with you! I completely understand why the OP did, and thank you -- it shows the other children that hitting is not acceptable and that people are protecting them.

YWNBU

Yeah the snowflakes include the parents of the children actually being hit

I also think that if he had had time to hit three or four children, and his mother still hadn't intervened, you were right to assume that she wasn't going to quickly enough!

A 3 year old can do a lot of damage! My 3 year old is very strong and tall, he’s a solid force!

I see where people are coming from regarding touching a stranger’s child but I don’t think I could stand back and watch a child violently hit other children and do nothing. The Mum should’ve been straight up that slide within the first minute he wouldn’t come down and immediately once he starting hitting.

Adults standing around just watching while children are getting hurt is not ok and an awful message to send to the ones getting hurt.

You did the best you could in a tricky situation OP.

But she WAS intervening! She just didn't run up a bloody slide to get there all of 10 seconds quicker.

Also I would not run up a slide. I would be likely to fall flat on my face and end up with a broken nose. Although I have never had cause to either.

I touched a 2 year old (who isn't mine) the other day because I happened to be closer to her when she and her mum and buggy were on a narrow pavement and I realised that an adult needed to guide her carefully to avoid her falling or wandering into the road.
I didn't ask the mother's permission.
Did I do something wrong then???

I have no problem at all with people telling my children off and wouldn't mind you doing what you did if I'd not been paying attention, but if I was on my way to get my child and you ran up to slide and physically restrained them then I'd be really pissed off so think you were being unreasonable.

Also, some of the language - attacked, assaulted - is very emotive.