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Original poster

Mother-in-law buying stuff for my baby

34 replies

Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:08

Hello, I just wanna share a few things about my mil and please tell me if I'm just being sensitive.

Part 1

So I met my boyfriend 4 years ago and we have been living together since.l got to know his family I started noticing a few things that i thought weren't right. First we started dating around christmas and i noticed that the mom is the one that buys all the christmas gifts for everyone. And then she wraps them and writes names on them like From Ryan (boyfriend) to dad, from dad to Daniel (boyfriend's brother). So as everyone opens the gift she tells a story about why she got the gift and were she bought them. Same with birthdays she buys gifts and does the same thing. On Valentine she got me some gifts them wrote my BF's name on it. (She got me pots , pans and knifes garbage can all kitchen stuff) then after took the money from my bfs accoun. Now My boyfriend is 29 years old now meaning he was 25 when we met. And his mom had all passwords for his online banking and any kind of bills that were under my b's name. So we got calls every time from her reminding him that they is no money yet in his bank account to pay a certain bill of which he knows. Or to say that some payments went through bluh bluh bluh.

I'm a very independent person I have been living alone since I was 16. I saved up money and managed to move here (Canada) to go to college and when we met I was in my second year studying to become a Special Care Counselor. So I think that kinda became a problem for her because I didn't ask for any help from her since I known her. She didn't like the fact that i was independent one day she straight up told me that she wants to be needed.

So I asked my bf why he cant take care of his own things, hes response was that its like that even with his brother who is almost 30yrs old now. He said that their mom insists on taking care of every little thing in the family even does all the laundry including underpants. So since we were living together in my apartment I started teaching him a few things like how to pay bills online and all and how to manage his own bank account. Oh my my my the mil did not like that, we started getting calls from her asking what's happening.

The other thing is we have never went anywhere without his family. One time we planned our first vacation before you know it everyone was coming. Same with vacations that came after that each time they made bf feel bad for excluding them so we just end up going with everyone. Birthdays are planned by mil every time its dinner at her house. Hes been trying to put a few boundaries but no body respects them.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/09/2018 12:11

Where does the baby come in?

She's batshit. Move away.

Personally I'd have done this well before getting pregnant.

What does your boyfriend think about reducing contact with his family?

KitandPup · 22/09/2018 12:14

Wow she sounds bonkers! Unless your partner is willing to put some boundaries in place I'd be running for the hills tbh. Imagine the wedding!

Autumnwindy · 22/09/2018 12:14

Nothing about baby and clothes Confused

Well obviously it sounds bizzare. A healthy mum will want to help their dc to become independent not hobble them to keep themselves being needed

KitandPup · 22/09/2018 12:15

Sorry I missed that you have a baby together? How has this not come up before? Sorry if I sound harsh; genuine question

Parker231 · 22/09/2018 12:17

Sounds like your BF has some growing up to do. I find it quite pathetic that an adult doesn’t organize and take responsibility for his own life.

Fannybaws52 · 22/09/2018 12:18

It's not just a MIL problem, you have a massive DH problem.

You're now tied to a giant man baby who has no intention of putting you before his darling momma. He may get a little better but Mommy will be pulling his strings for life.

You have no chance here unless you can pry him away and move a huge distance from her.

Original poster
Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:18

Part 2

The other thing is she doesn't like that hes startingto take care of his own things. He started by changing his passwords to his accounts so that she won't access them. Last christmas we decide to do things different we bought gifts and he told her she didn't need to buy gift on his behalf she got really upset. She also doesn't like is spending a bit more, like when we moved to a new apartment under both our names. She wanted to get us used things (couches, dining table set, appliances and all,) even though we told her we didnt need her help an that we could afford to buy new things. She actually went ahead and looked for stuff on kijiji and kept calling us everyday to tell us about what she had found online even sending a thousand emails to of pictures.
She shows up at our apartment whenever she feels like even after my bf told her to call first.

For my graduation last year she brought a bag full of her dresses that she thought I could go through and pick one for my graduation ceremony. Got mad when I got me a new dress that i liked.( It was around this time we found out that i was pregnant. )

Mil always compares us with other people in a very indirect way like "oh Ryan your cousins have better jobs you know, they can afford this and that " "Oh they have their things together and can afford to travel we cant blame them" "They are so much organized and well educated thats why they can easily make it". "Allie does this and that, she can manage to go to work from 8 to 6 even though she's pregnant" (This was when I was pregnant last year, i was so sick I lost 80 pounds in a month, i went through a hard time, so I couldn't start working.) My bf works really hard and I feel like he kinda of looks for validation from her.

Now that we had a baby on the way, i didn't even get a chance to plan or suggest what I wanted the baby shower to be like. She did all the plans and invited only her side of the family and told me not to talk or say much because she didn't want any embarrassment. After the baby shower she selected some things that i got And she took them to her house. She said the baby will use them whenever she baby sits him at her house. And the baby room she wanted me to buy only what she suggested like very cheap used stuff. Most of the things she said she was given by random people at some yard sell,some expired baby carriers and a stroller. And a bunch of used clothes. I put them away and got new things. She picked the clothes that baby was gonna wear from the hospital. And didn't want us to pick our own name, we did though!!, the father in law said he wasn't gonna call him by the name we picked. He said he will use another name of his choice. (I won't let it happen though).

Now that our little guy is hear she wants to come every weekend and wants me to send her pictures every day. She even suggested that i should be giving her the baby to babysit and let him spend some nights her place (It will never happen though). Now I'm starting to avoid her.

OP posts:
Ixnayonthehombre · 22/09/2018 12:20

If you aren't pregnant and by baby you mean boyfriend Hmm I'd be running for the hills tbh. Otherwise you'll have a lifetime of trouble with this, it will only get worse. If he was prepared to be indleendent he would have by now, no ultimatum will work.

Original poster
Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:20

I posted the part 2 about the baby part.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/09/2018 12:23

You're going to have to be brutal at some point op, so is your bf. She won't get better on her own.

Move away, miles and miles away.

Original poster
Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:26

He is stressed too about it. When he talks its like she picks what to listen to. One time he told her we couldn't have a for coffee at our place cause we were having people over for dinner but she showed up anyway.

OP posts:
hamzilla · 22/09/2018 12:26

Take your partner and your baby and run. Run like the wind. Far, far away from your batshit in laws.

In all seriousness though, I think you have every right to be upset. You've said your partner has said things to her and is gaining independence from her, but what kind of relationship do they have? What role does he want her to have in your son's life? It sounds to me like she will always behave in this way, and the only way forward is to either cope with it, or reduce contact.

flumpybear · 22/09/2018 12:27

This behaviour is bizarrw! Does she have a job - sounds like far too much time on her nhands - tell your boyfriend it's time to grow the fuck op and cut the apron strings immediately

As for calling your child a different name just say fine so you don't want to see him then - good! Oh by the way my name name for you is arse FIL as it ur fits better

Original poster
Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:29

It was too long so its I. Two parts. The second part talks about the baby. Its really messed up. Im planning to move as next year when baby is older.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/09/2018 12:31

Does brother in law have a wife?

SureIusedtobetaller · 22/09/2018 12:35

You need to firstly agree with your bf that he supports you then both of you tell the in laws that they must back off or you’ll be moving away. They need to realise they will lose their son/grandson with this absolutely batshit behaviour.
You are going to have to be really firm. This is insane.

Original poster
Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:37

Things just started to get worse and I come from a different culture too so in my head I thought maybe it was just culture difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolest · 22/09/2018 12:42

She has a job but she never lets anyone at work know about her family like those Christmas parties, people at work bring theirs families and spouse she has never taken her husband there. And any kind of big events on her side of the family like weddings she goes alone.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 22/09/2018 12:43

Just tell her thank you but we'll sort out what we need. As for the baby shower stuff she clearly had that for her! Buy what you want and if she tries to take over and want to babysit just say thanks I'll let you know when we're ready to go out

Barriers/boundaries - you need them urgently!

Maelstrop · 22/09/2018 12:48

It will only get worse. Does she have a key to your place? Just don’t let her in. When she sends emails re stuff she wants to buy, send a reply with just ‘No’ every single time. If she buys stuff, reject it. Make sure she no longer has access to any accounts. Birthdays are easy. Send invites or tell family members what you’re doing, ignore her arrangements. She sounds horrifically controlling, but your bf needs to man up and be much firmer with her.

BertrandRussell · 22/09/2018 12:54

Dump him.

RomanyRoots · 22/09/2018 13:00

Put boundaries in place asap, call her out on everything she says.
next time she talks about babysitting tell her not until your fil is capable of using the child's name.
They sound awful, just move 250 miles away, that should do it.
I'd tell them you were thinking of moving to Ireland, Scotland or Wales, unless you live in one of those places, then you could say England.
watch her face drop.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/09/2018 13:06

OP lives in Canada!

LOL7 · 22/09/2018 13:07

She sounds like a nightmare-very controlling!

ApolloandDaphne · 22/09/2018 13:08

It seems odd that she does all this to control her sons/DH but never talks about them or takes them anywhere socially. She sounds like a dangerous woman.