Worried about 4 year old son

[DownstairsMixUp]

My son turned 4 on the 29th of August and a few days later, he had to start school. :-( I have always thought his speech was very behind from the age of 2. I took him to the health visitor who agreed and saw him six months later and said it was fine (I disagreed) from 2 - 4 he went to nursery full time and I mentioned it to nursery staff on more than a few occasions. As it got closer to applying for school, I sent a message to my local council about deferring. They said it's highly unlikely and he'd just have to start in year 1. I read around on the internet and it seemed it was true, it's near on impossible that this council ever defers children. The nursery reassured me he'd be OK and i'd be doing more harm holding him back.

Roll on now, he has been at school 2.5 weeks and the teacher says she disagrees with the nursery assessment that he is at expected. I said to her I have always thought he had a delay and i've been fobbed off, this teacher did the home visit to in July and I mentioned it to her then, she didn't seem concerned and I knew it would take for him getting to class for them to realise it.

She did an assessment last week on him and his speech has come out severe, he has now been referred to the SENCO teacher in the school. I feel so guilty. I feel bad I have been at work full time and maybe it's my fault I've not had enough one on one time with him. He passed his nursery yesterday (it's next to the school) and cried and said he wants to go back.

Someone please tell me it's going to be ok? What will happen from here? I don't want him to be left behind and feel rubbish. His brother is 9 and at the same school and does really well, they couldn't be more opposite. Any positive stories would be great right now.

Someone asked earlier on about other things, like eating.... does he eat all sorts? He was fussy for a while but he has started to try more things but he does prefer to stick to what he knows ie pizza pasta sausages

What is it about dressing... can he physically do it? Does he 'get distracted'/ forget what he is doing ?.... doesn't he like the feel of clothes on him ? He struggles to get clothes on and gets frustrated, once they are on he is ok. It's when he gets told off he will strip off, almost like in defiance! I can't count the amount of times in the car him and his brother argue in the back on long journeys and he gets annoyed and takes his shoes and socks off!

You say he doesn't have many friends and isn't sociable. How does he react with other children ? Ignoring them? Moving away from them ? Just playing alongside them ? Pushing the away ? He has got attached to one child and they are best friends mutually, they came from nursery together and always are holding hands and playing. With other children it's like he isn't bothered if they are there or not! They could leave him and he wouldn't care.

How does he play with toys? Imaginatively? Copying real life or TV, or films, or using things from stories? Does he ever use one toy for another thing (eg picking up a banana and pretending it is a phone, or a hairbrush to be a microphone, etc?)* he is quite rough with toys! He plays well with toy cars for example, he likes role play and likes playing in his Play kitchen. He has smashed toys when they run out of batteries for example and he has a penguin race but he is too rough with it so it ends up breaking!*

When you read with him, can he answer questions about what you are reading, or when you watch TV, can he tell you who is who / what is happening or why someone is doing something ?* This is intermittent. He loves mr bean the animated version and spongebob and hey duggee and remembers characters and tells me what they are doing. With books he will not focus on the words at all, I'll be reading to him and he keeps interuppting me to tell me what's happening in the picture! *

Health visiting team were rubbish to be honest! I've got a gp appointment Thursday though so I'm hoping this goes better...

Katy I thought so to. I don't think they were honest about my options of deferring.

I would seriously look into deferring the start of reception by one year especially given his birthday is on the cusp anyway and his speech delays. You only have a small window to do this realistically as most kids will resist repeating a year.

The rules have changed recently and your son seems a prime candidate for a deferred start. Think of all the advantages it will give him throughout his academic life to be one of the eldest versus one of the youngest in the year. I still wish it had been possible with my summer born DD and she is 10 now!!

It's something I need to consider but with that, he will need childcare as I work and so does his dad and his old nursery is full. So I'm not sure how it'd work realistically but it's worth mentioning when I meet the senco person.

He would still be eligible for the 15hrs nursery or 30hrs if you qualify so if you found a place for him it shouldn't cost any extra ..I'm guessing it is the finding a place that would be tricky. The other option would be is there a nursery at the school? Could he do some of his time there? All questions you could ask the Senco. From a mums point of view .I'm an experienced teacher and an ex Senco AND I have twins with a moderate speech and language delay.. I often used to blame myself for it even though my professional brain knows that's rubbish! You are not alone!

It's not yesterday you should worry about,it is today .spend as much time as possible as you can going over words, sounds , reading to him etc . You will feel so much better when you know that you are doing your best and I'm glad you're getting support with your son too .

I'm not an expert but from what you have said, I would say he's just immature and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. Taking clothes off is a bit odd though. I would ask again about deferring as PP's have said.

It's something we will mention again and remind them that, this is what we suggested all along! As for trying we genuinely do, I've got a whole shelf of suitable books, I've tried games on the tablet that match up words to pictures, it just ends up with him very frustrated. The immature thing, yes of course, he is 4, but I've had an immature four year old before but I never felt like something was "wrong" with his elder brother.

An hour a day should improve things even with developmental issues or any type of issues, he's not going to be stuck at that level for the rest of his life , he needs work if you want things to improve

OP I know you're trying. And I know it's frustrating when he's just getting upset.

What kind of chunks of time are you doing activities for? 5 or even 10 minutes of him engaged is better than 20 minutes of you both in tears or near it.

If he likes the pictures in the books that's great, ignore the words. Turn the page and say, oh look O, who can you see? Tell Mummy what's happening etc. Let him "read" it. Doesn't matter if he's not actually right according to the text or even the picture but just good practice of talking in longer sentences

We try not to do big chunks at once as the nursery said that wouldn't be beneficial so I break the time up, 10 mins of reading after school, then I let him play with his brother/tablet or if it's summer we generally go to the park or have a walk to the beach. Then I aim for another 15 at bath time, we have these letters that stick to the tiles, that's helped him recognise o for his name and he can recognise mum and Dad and his brothers name with the bathroom letters, then a bed time story. But that's a good idea about getting him to tell me what's going on rather than focusing on the words, I've got some really good biff and chip books I use for him with simple words but I'll see if he can do better looking at the pictures.

You sound like a caring person he's lucky to have you as a mum . I'm sure he will be ok

Thank you, I'm looking to cut back my hours (luckily we can afford it at the moment) so I can have more term times with them and not work any weekends anymore to, hopefully this will help. Thank you for all the advice, I've been worried sick these last few weeks, it's nice to know I'm not alone and this will pass soon

Half terms I meant! I always get stuck working them

You're doing your best Down, it's all we can do. It's bloody hard but you will help him get there xx

With regard to reading, it will come, he is still young.

Focus on his speech for now. If he is happy to talk about pictures in the story then do that with him, it will help develop his speech. Try and extend his speech by adding in descriptive or positional words when repeating back what he has said.

In your 10-15 minutes slots try to just play with toys that he likes and talk about what he is doing with him and extend as above. Some of DS's big developments in speech have come through play with his favourite toys.

Also talk about what you are doing, things you see while travelling, at the supermarket, what you are cooking etc...

I know you are worried about keeping him in school, but from my experience ds benefitted (even though he is delayed by about 1.5 years developmentally and was like a toddler compared to his peers). This was because he learnt speech during interactions with his peers and staff, also the SALT input became more intensive because of the Senco involvement.

OP I've just skimmed some of the posts here because I wanted to post as quickly as possible to say that we are able to self-refer for SALT in our area, so that could be something for you to look into (apologies if you've already done this)? We self referred for our DS.

Hi OP. I believe in reception, the school refers directly to SALT, as opposed to paediatrics.
If I were you, I’d call for a meeting with DS’s teacher and the Senco lead who can guide you through the process. Are you plugged in with paediatrics? Ask GP to refer on Thursday. Has he had his hearing checked?

Also, I used autism picture cards/visual support cards when DS was three and struggling with significant speech and comprehension delay. You can also use these as a planning method like, “First we brush teeth , then next to it a picture of the zoo and you could say, “Then we go to the zoo.” First tidy up, THEN lunch, then playground (all using visual guides), etc.
You can also use these picture cards to help expand vocabulary.

Your DS sounds ‘stuck’ and there’s just so much support out there to help him skip ahead. And he will! Tap into that support through the school and paediatrics. Group speech therapy was very helpful for my DS. What works for one child may not work for another, but a paediatric assessment would really help!

So get plugged into paediatrics via your GP and coordinate that meeting with DS’s teacher and the Senco. The ball will roll from there- a little bit slowly but it will roll. And I promise, your DS WILL make developmental leaps in the next year. He needs the support and you need the tools.

Vanguard yea definitely, group therapy really helped our DS too, he came on in leaps and bounds once he was getting support and school were great. They stayed on the same page as us, doing the same exercises that we were doing at home etc. I really hope it's the same for your DS too OP. Good luck with it all, it isn't easy but please don't think you've failed in any way, you haven't

He sounds very like my 3 year 9 month old. In our area we can self refer to SALT (or school can do it) so don't let obstructive GP stand in your way.

I have found that our nursery are so keen to demonstrate how well they are doing that they minimise my sons challenges. It's annoying.

Thank you everybody for all the helpful responses

You can't self refer to salt unfortunately but his teacher seems confident once the senco lady has seen him, it WILL go to salt. The group therapy sounds such a good idea! I will mention this in our meeting.

I just admit, I don't go shopping much because of me and his dad both working, I tend to online shop but I may do a weekly shop one week and use this as a time to point at things and get chatting more. He has some birthday money to so perhaps a new picture book or something we can do together.

Sorry I totally forgot to mention yes, hearing test done at birth and again at 2 and again before he started school, all perfect.

My daughter had what the speech therapist described as 'the most complex set of speech disorders she had ever seen'. Her teacher in reception (fs2) suggested we take her for assessment.
In the end it took 30 mins a week for 6 months, all free on the nhs and she was fine.
Don't worry. None of this is your fault. I had 3 other children back then who were all OK. Just go with the flow. Take him for assessment and for the sessions and he will be fine.
Some kids just need a bit of help.

OP there is a great book called It Takes Two To Talk, it's pricey but you can get it on eBay etc - my SIL who is a SALT recommended it. I gave mine away a while back unfortunately but we found it really helpful with exercises you can do at home (like the shopping thing a PP mentioned: pick an item that begins with a letter he has difficulty with, and ask him to find that item/say the word etc).

My younger Ds started school with a significant language delay - only had about 10 single words at the time. We used Makaton in nursery and his reception teachers were sent on a signing course over the summer before he went up. We also used PECS which he loved as it meant he could ask for things by pointing to the pictures and was understood. I made him a key ring with the most common pictures on it that went on his belt so he always had it with him. We had speech therapy from ages 3 until we were discharged about 8. He still sounds very immature in his speech and his comprehension can be hit and miss especially if he's upset or stressed.

He's just gone up to year 7 and although he's still very immature for his age he's getting there - we think he's got a global development delay of about 2 years but not formally diagnosed.

Makaton to our family was a life saver as it meant Ds could communicate his wants and needs and it reduced his frustration- he also had one to one support in key stage 1 which then reduced over key stage 2 and he's gone up to key stage 3 with no intervention at all - that may change but it's early days and I'm waiting to see if the school feels he needs any support.

I would take any help or assessments that are offered and look into PECS or Makaton to give him the chance to be able to let you and school know what he wants - I remember with Ds as soon as he got stressed any language skills went out the window!

Again, thank you all! The nhs sessions sound brilliant and I think the makaton sounds a good way to go, I've taught his brother a few signs tonight and he is keen to help and learn which is super sweet! I am going to print signs and put them in the kitchen :)