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Original poster

18 year old having big wobble over Uni

30 replies

papayasareyum · 20/09/2018 19:36

she’s going tomorrow and is having a big wobble over uni. She’s off tomorrow. She was absolutely fine, but I came home from work today and she was in floods saying she’s going to miss us so much. She’s not sure she wants to go. Anyone been through this?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/09/2018 19:38

On my first day of uni I was hysterical...phoned my dad up and begged him to come and pick me up. He didn't! He was right...I had a blast!

Watto1 · 20/09/2018 19:40

My sister was crying in my arms the night before she went to uni. Unusual because we were usually at each other's throats! She was worried about the same things as your dd. Dsis went and had the best time of her life! She got an amazing degree and friends she still has 20 years later.

It's totally normal to have a wobble. It's a huge step she is making after all. But I'm sure she will be absolutely fine!

Graphista · 20/09/2018 19:40

Totally normal

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/3367904-3-days-into-uni-and-dd-is-not-happy-what-can-I-do

It is a big change and that's always nerve wracking, but if she doesn't try it she'll likely regret it. She won't be the only one feeling like this.

Jolly her out of it in a supportive way, big up the positives.

Original poster
papayasareyum · 20/09/2018 20:20

Thanks. She’s so worried, poor thing Sad

OP posts:
nervousseacreature · 20/09/2018 20:23

I cried in my halls room for a good while after my parents dropped me off at uni because I missed them so much. I loved my uni years though!

Babyroobs · 20/09/2018 20:25

Dropped my son off last Sunday and there were sobbing students everywhere. My ds was fine and is having a blast.

Original poster
papayasareyum · 21/09/2018 07:12

update: she was up all night and woke me at 4am to say she wanted to defer her place. Just spoke to her again and she’s thinking she’ll try it out, but I can tell she really really doesn’t want to go Sad

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 21/09/2018 07:14

If the only thing she’s said is that she’ll miss you too much, she’ll be fine.

How far away is she going?

jitterbug5 · 21/09/2018 07:21

Please please tell your DD to stick it out - honestly. I dropped out of Uni after Christmas for the same reasons but I just wasn't giving it a chance. I honestly feel a pang if regret/sadness whenever I think about it and the fact I didn't stick it out. She just needs to settle. Honestly. It'll be the exact same situation even if she defers a year, except next year anyway. Hope she feels better soon Thanks

Original poster
papayasareyum · 21/09/2018 07:21

she said she’s going to miss us all and she’s worried that everyone will hate her and she won’t make friends. It’s 3 hours away, so she can’t get home in a hurry, but still very doable on the train

OP posts:
jitterbug5 · 21/09/2018 07:24

She'll also really regret deferring when she sees all her friends going off and enjoying themselves on social media! She'll love it - I cannot stress how much I regret dropping out Sad

Original poster
papayasareyum · 21/09/2018 07:26

that’s what I think; that she’ll massively regret it. I could understand it better if she was actually there and hating it, but she’s not even arrived yet!

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 21/09/2018 07:31

Bless her, it’s a big change and it’s fine to be worried. But you need to encourage her and not show your feelings. Remind her why she chose the course and the uni, tell her it’s totally normal and ok to feel nervous when big changes are happen in life, and loads of the other new students will be feeling exactly the same way. Often the hardest part of anything is taking the first step.

PirateWeasel · 21/09/2018 07:33

I would encourage her to give it until the Christmas holidays. I was exactly the same, and my parents saying I only had to give it one term made all the difference. It didn't seem so scary knowing I could get out after 10 weeks if I wanted. And I ended up staying for three years! 😁

Trishtashtosh · 21/09/2018 07:35

I was like this and it lasts until Christmas. My parents said "just stuck it out until Easter" by which time I was really enjoying my course. I never really got on the whole 'university best days of your life bandwagon' - but the access to libraries, clubs and interesting lectures made it good. Tell her not to believe everyone's 'having a great time' because I know amongst my school friends (large group, grammar school) that more than half confessed that it wasnt as good as they made it out to be, they were often lonely and homesick. That is normal.

TheThirdOfHerName · 21/09/2018 07:42

DS1 is also going tomorrow and feeling wobbly; is worried about getting lost and says he has forgotten how to make friends.

Original poster
papayasareyum · 21/09/2018 07:57

going to have to wake her shortly so she can have a shower and last minute packing. Hope she’s ok Sad

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 21/09/2018 08:03

"She'll also really regret deferring when she sees all her friends going off and enjoying themselves on social media!"

This ^^
DD is already regretting her decision to have a gap year. Despite being reminded over and over again she had nothing lined up - no work and no voluntary work. She is madly applying for jobs and has applied to the local hospital for voluntary work, but nothing has happened yet. Her boyfriend is out partying every night at his university, and her best friend is too busy to keep in contact. DD has no social life and no structure in her week now.

She says no to every suggestion OH and I make. I just hope she gets a job soon.

whosaidthat6 · 21/09/2018 08:03

We went through the same with ours. Was threatening to get on a train if we didn't pick her up!

What helped her was having some milestones in place. Most 1st years have a reading week in October so agree to go and see them in between.

AVOID LETTING THEM COME HOME!

Even if you have to pop down every weekend, it will help to have their mind focussed on something.

Most of them suffer from home sickness at some point, all of them get over it!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 21/09/2018 08:04

Ds1 has social anxiety and although popular he just cant see it...i really don't understand, and he has always been upset at having no friends (got slightly better in college)

Anyway....he was very nervous about going to uni and when we dropped him off we said we would pop to town while he finished sorting his room and then we would meet him for lunch

Well he rang to say he wouldnt meet us as he was having lunch with his new friends Hmm

They were all nervous and all frightened of not making friends

He is starting his second year in a house with two of those freinds...and another! He had a wonderful time in his first year, so much so that he had a bit if a panic attack when he left halls in the summer

I really hope she has a great time, she is going to be worried and that's perfectly natural

And obviously you are worried...i was!!

Oh and as a positive although an affectionate child he obviously didnt want hugs all the time...but im always getting spontaneous hugs now Smile he does miss us, but he couldn't wait to go back this year

Sorry ive burbled a bit

Good luck to both of you Flowers

MIdgebabe · 21/09/2018 08:06

Almost every child will have some level of nervousness and homesickness. Hopefully there will be second years looking out for them...they can clearly remember what it's like! ( that's my dd this year)

They can make friends with people in their accommodation, or on their course, or join some clubs to find people with the same hobbies. Friendships take time. But your old friends and family are still there.

Don't panic if someone latches onto you in the first day that you don't like. They are probably just terrified and desperate to fit in, it all shakes down over the first term.

We still need to be there for them, and I think it's usually harder for the parents, so good luck to you all.

PARunnerGirl · 21/09/2018 08:08

She can do it! I remember this feeling. My parents were living abroad when I loved to the UK for uni. I remember the crying and the thinking of ways I didn’t have to go!

Milestones are a great idea. And within a few weeks she’ll likely be texting you to say she doesn’t have much time to see you during October week/ reading week! Wink

You guys will get there and she’ll be soooo much better off for it. Keep strong, Mum!

LoniceraJaponica · 21/09/2018 08:12

One of my friend said that homesickness often strikes after about 3 weeks. Last year she and her OH visited her son at university on week 3 and he found it very therapeutic.

Celticdawn5 · 21/09/2018 08:20

Dropped daughter starting Uni in London.We live 3 hours away.
Two days later she appeared back home in floods of tears asking if she could stay (?) I was surprised because she appeared ok about it all and organised her own accommodation etc ( there were no halls)
End result was that we paid for her to travel home every week end until she settled/got more confident/made friends.This lasted for a few months then the visits gradually dropped off and eventually she didn’t feel the need to come home so often.
Children are all so different coping with the reality of living away from home.
I know of one who went away to university and her mother had to listen to sobbing on skype.child did not want to be seen sobbing so was out of sight whilst this went on.Eventually came home after the first year.found local job for a year.Applied to a different Uni and course of study and the experience was completely different.Her whole outlook,confidence etc changed.Sometimes they are just not ready for it and a year out working can make all the difference.

wrenika · 21/09/2018 10:03

Encourage her to give it a go till Christmas. I was very reluctant to go away to uni (moved a few hours away) but my parents took me and dropped in halls. They didn't stay long cause that makes it even worse. Getting my room unpacked was a good distraction. I would happily have gone home every single weekend but they discouraged me from doing so and I eventually became pretty okay with my own company. I hated my flat mates in all 3 years in halls but I have ASD and didn't drink so you can imagine how well I fitted in at uni!