How not to be the Wicked Witch when getting kids out of house in the morning

[walkingtheplank]

DD has just started secondary school and I'm finding getting her out of the door quite stressful - not in terms of organisation as I think the organisation is in place, my children are just being slow and TBH rude.

By way of illustration:

DD needs to leave the house at 7.40 on the dot to walk to her bus stop. Buses are so infrequent/unreliable that if she doesn't get this bus, she probably wouldn't be in school in time. Bag all packed last night, she just has to get up, washed, dressed, eat breakfast and leave the house.

She woke up at 6.45. At 7.24 she hasn't come downstairs yet for breakfast and I calmly call up that she needs to be out of the house in 16 minutes. She finally gets to the table to eat her breakfast as s-l-o-w-l-y as possible at 7.32. I remind her (nicely) that she has to be out of the house in 8 minutes. This isn't me bullying, she can take the best part of half an hour to eat a slice of toast. DS, aged 10, shouts at me to leave her alone. To be honest, this hurts as I really wasn't being horrible.

DH "helps" by telling her not to worry as he can drive her to bus stop - and they finally leave, with a cursory 'goodbye' to me.

At 7.51 DD calls me. Despite being at the bus stop, the bus has not stopped for her. I need to pick her up and take her to school. There's a queue of traffic but when I finally get to the bus stop, she just stands and stares at me so I have to tell her to get in. She apologised for not flagging down the bus.

DH offers to take DS to school in the opposite direction. DS doesn't bother even acknowledging me on his departure, which is a shame as had he stood in front of me to say goodbye, I could have told him that he should be in a themed costume today, rather than his school uniform. He'd told me last night that the costume was out and ready and I'm sure he'll be unhappy about it when I collect him from school later.

DH isn't always around so having him rescue the situation isn't something we can rely on. We can't be any more organised as everything was out/packed/ready to go the night before. To be honest I'm quite upset by the lack of gratitude.

So,

1. How do you get your children to get a shift on
2. How do you get your children to not be so ungrateful

Any thoughts welcomed but I don't feel that I can leave them to it and allow them to be late.

That was longer than expected - sorry!

Take your foot off the pedal a bit. They're not listening to the nagging. Because they're older kids I'd maybe remind them once of the time they need to be out the door/costume that needs to be worn etc. If they ignore this, let them be late and wait for the next bus or be the only kid not wearing costume. They need to learn the consequences of their actions as well as show some independence and responsibility for themselves. Your husband should also be on the same page and supporting you in this.

They need to be late for school and face the consequences of their laziness and I'm quite certain they won't do it again. Leave her at the bus stop next time, don't enable her laziness by being the safety net. Don't give her a lift, she's like this because she knows you'll give her a lift. My dad would have left me at the bus stop if I behaved like your dd towards him.

I'm hoping someone will give you some excellent ideas that I can use too!

Mine are still in Primary school but I can totally relate! I also can't leave them to be late as DD is a real slow coach & it would be unfair on DS's to be late because of her. DD is well behaved but slow!

Also DS's aren't angels & always play up in the morning.

DH is on night shift so trying to keep arguments quiet & hurry them up to be out the door is a nightmare!

I just don't feel that I can allow them to be late. Neither have ever been late.

I did tell DD that next time the bus she missed the bus that she should start walking. The walk would have been just about do-able - she'd have missed the first bell but not the second. I suppose I caved because she was very upset and is new to this bus business.

I haven't caved to DS by rushing his costume into school.

It would have helped if DH hadn't offered DD a lift to the bus stop as that allowed her to ignore me. I have no idea why the bus didn't stop though.

I feel your pain - I have three otherwise lovely children (but younger than yours) but I swear getting out of the house every morning will be the death of me. I end up having to shout pretty much every morning and I find it so bloody draining. One of mine is also a ridiculously slow eater.

One strategy that helps a bit is having a list for each child of what they need to do to get ready (eat, shower, pack bag, make lunch, clean teeth, put on shoes etc). They have a deadline for having everything on the list completed and being ready to go. Failure to complete everything on time means no screen time after school (my ultimate weapon). I find the list helps as I don't have to nag each child about a dozen individual tasks, I just bellow "LIST!!" at them when they are faffing about on pointless crap.

I think though you absolutely have to let your eldest deal with the consequences of being late for school. Assuming she generally wants to get along at school and not get in trouble, I think this is the biggest stick you have.

As for general morning grumpiness / attitude, let me know if you find a solution!

OK, so I'm seeing that I have to let DD be late.

Perhaps I'll sit down with them and make a list of things to do in the morning with a timetable for them.

To be fair DS moves pretty quickly, he was just so set on being rude to me this morning that I didn't have chance to remind him that he should be in a costume - so hard cheese to him.

Remember, you're not going to be making her late. She'll be doing that herself.

Thank you MrBull. I do need to take a step back. And I know that her being late will be the best learning tool.

get up ealier (get dc up earlier)

let dc get the detention for being late - for her sake.

They need to learn the consequences of their actions as well as show some independence and responsibility for themselves

This is the truth and I'm afraid it's the only way to go now. It'll do them good to have to organise themselves and bear the consequences if they don't bother.

But in a way I find this worse: DS, aged 10, shouts at me to leave her alone.

You didn't say how you responded to this apart from your hurt feelings, do you really let your children speak to you and treat you like this?! It's so disrespectful and rude. (I'm not surprised you didn't remind him about his costume after that...) Both your children seem to view you as a commodity that they can treat how they like and ignore when it suits them. If this isn't so then I'm sorry I've got the wrong end of the stick, but I can't even imagine my DS speaking like this, and mornings were not our best time either...

I wouldn't have called for her to come down and get ready, or reminded her about her timing. Let her get on with it. Natural consequences.

Your ds, I would tell him that he's never to speak to you like that again, and then remove something like iPad or whatever he's into, until he can show respectable behaviour.

DS is currently without his tablet and PS4. He was pretty rude to me on the way out of school too. If I ask him something in a breezy manner he snaps back as though I've been nagging or shouting at him repeatedly. This is a new thing - he's my baby boy and we have a lovely relationship normally. I'm not sure what's happened to be honest although I have been so preoccupied with his sister starting secondary school recently that perhaps he's just trying to get some attention.

DD was quite tearful at bedtime - she hates getting the bus and is scared she'll miss it or forget to get off at the right stop. It was all I could do not to say I'd take her. Although DH then said he could (grrr).

If she was scared of missing the bus she would be at the bus stop in plenty of time.

My dc now has to get the bus. This is a new thing. Its not easy but i have just taken a step back. As long as i get to work on time, i am not really that bothered if they have to face the music for being late. Tough love and all. Does them a favour in the long run i reckon.

I had a word with DH saying that DD needed to learn how to get the bus and, if necessary, be late for school. He took it on board and didn't take her.

Bearing in mind that she must be out of the house by 7.40 to catch the bus, she made her way downstairs at 7.24 (having been awake at 6.45) and left the house at 7.45. Lucky for her, the bus was 8 minutes late. The lateness of the bus is what is saving her at the moment but one day it will actually be on time.

One more thing, when she was waiting for me to rescue her at the bus stop yesterday, a woman stopped her car to offer her a lift. Not sure what I think of that. Fortunately she declined the offer.

Your mornings sound very much like ours.

I would advise to put her alarm on 5 minutes earlier and go through the whole morning routine with her again in the evening. Do you think she needs practice with her clothes/ tie or maybe she is not getting enough sleep and slow for this reason? My DD is very sleepy and slow, just not morning person. Also could you go by bus somewhere over weekend together so she’s got additional chance to practice?

What is dd doing in her room for all that time?
Check your tone of voice. Although you weren’t being horrible, maybe your tone was harsher than you intended it to be?

Does DD have a phone in her room at night? If so is she on fb etc in the morning? It might be eating time.

Can you have some set up where you make her a cup of tea at the same time as your morning drink but it’s downstairs so she has to come down to get it? Limited trouble for you if you drink hot drinks, might solve the problem?

Oh! I see , she wakes up early enough, she just slow. Mine is the same , I’m constantly checking and checking.
It’s strange offer of the lift. Hope your DD is not scared, she coped with this really well!

Ahh, ILASL. That could be seen as a bit harsh.
I do realise that we all respond in varying ways to challenging circumstances and maybe you have a
point.
My three have always got themselves out of the house on time. But my youngest ( with whome I had a great relationship until 12, won't speak to me. And I mean, won't speak to me.
So we all have challenges, but believe me, to have a child that dignifies you with communication ( regardless of morning grumpiness), is worth the world.

With whom

I think you're me OP. You are not alone. I appreciate that is small comfort.

I could have written this myself, its the really s...l....o...w eating and moving around that bugs me. I realised after a while that most times she did get out of the house on time if I left her to it, she had a couple of late detentions and it seems to all have sorted itself out now.

Just let her be late a few times and I'm sure she won't do it again.