Coping with baby if your DH works excessively long hours or you’re basically alone

[bargainsgalore18]

DH works excessively long hours and is out house Mon-Fri 6am - 8pm or later. Weekend work also involved sometimes .

DD1 is 4 months old. Love her to bits but I’m struggling to cope with doing everything Mon - Fri & 90% at weekends.

Just not getting any time out Mon-Fri is so hard. Even if DH could help out for an hour in the mornings or evenings it would make such a difference to me. But he leaves before DD gets up and is back after she’s in bed.

DH acknowledges his work situation needs to change and that is something we’re looking into.

But in the meantime does anyone have any coping strategies if you’re basically doing it alone?

My situation is similar (not quite such long hours everyday but DH does 12 hour shift work and a few weeks away every few months) and I totally get your struggles.
It’s so so hard doing most of the baby caring, with little break. We have no family close by to help so I’ve had to just try my best for the last 8 months.
The best advice I could give would be to get out the house. Now my DS has two naps a day I pick the big chunk of ‘awake’ between 10.30-2.30 ish and plan to do something most days. Popping to do food shop, going to sort something out, walking around the park, visiting friends, going swimming. Anything to occupy the time. I find this not only helps make the hours at home a bit easier but it’s helped my confidence with him being out, and doing bonding activities.

Keep going, you’ll just get used to it after a while, it doesn’t necessarily get easier but you get into a routine.

Are you going to be working? Or permanent SAHP?

I take my hat off to you, we have a 4 month old DS and I had a taste of that last week when DH was in London all week working, leaving early home late. I nearly went out of my mind. I also had a day back at work thrown in.

Is there someone like a family member that can help? If his work situation can't change could you look at childcare options to give you a break even 2 mornings a week?

Do you go to any baby groups? I find them a nice way to break up my day/week and get some adult conversation and a sympathetic ear if we've had a rough night.

You need help/time off before you burn out.

My dh used to work in Africa. He left for four weeks when ds2 was four days old.
I'm not looking for sympathy here. Just showing my support.

It does get easier. 4 months is hard with sleep regression etc. As pp have said, do try to get out every day. Even just a trip to the shops. Have some (adult) human contact.

Could you get a mother's help for a couple of hours a day?

I ended up booking dd1 into a nursery half day a week. I looked forward to it all week

My dh is out of the house 4am to between 6-8pm mon-fri.

My tips,

slow cooker great for putting meals on when you get a chance/have the energy

Make extra of meals and freeze/fridge so 1 day's cooking is 2/3 meals, stews are even better the second night.

If dh makes a packed lunch get him to make you one at the same time.

Get out of the house regularly, walks, playgroup, coffee with friends.

Don't do 90% of the weekend stuff, you might not be working but even my very demanding job was a cake walk compared to baby. I left dh with ds for 3 hours one Saturday and a few items to try to do, he suddenly realised how hard it is still needs regularly reminding

Get some rest yourself, when ds goes down for an afternoon nap the first 45 minutes is my lunch break so I eat, drink coffee and watch tv. If he is still asleep I then go on to get a job done that's is hard to get done with ds attached.

Lower your standards, there is always washing hanging around, dishes to do and plastic toys spread everywhere. It's not a health hazard so it's fine.

Yes, it’s hard work but it doesn’t last forever. Make it easier by

• napping when baby naps.
• getting a cleaner (assume you didn’t give up work to become a cleaner)
• ask someone to babysit once a week during day to allow yourself a breather - local older teenager, neighbour, friend doing a swap, relative.
• have a programme of activities outside the home
• bilk cook and online shopping.

Thanks all
Yes I’m planning to return to work in the new year.

Have considered putting her in nursery one day / couple of mornings a week but feel guilty as she’s so tiny

This is my life at the moment, as DH works Mon-Fri abroad.

Can you afford a cleaner? I don’t cook elaborate meals during the week, and try to rest when baby rests. My best advice is to stick to YOUR routine. I regularly go to bed between 8.30-10pm, because I can and I need to. DH is ofte frustrates that I don’t want to stay up with him, but after 7months straight of disrupted nights, I won’t sacrifice my rest very much- I need it.

If you can afford it then pop her in nursery.
I did one morning and one afternoon a week.
Cleaner if you can
Online shopping ( with ready meals if need be.

Don't do nursery - she'll get every cold going and only make life harder. It's not worth it for one day a week. Find a part time nanny. You need help. Get a cleaner too. Honestly just one day a week that is completely yours makes it so much easier.

I have been a single parent from day 1.
I coped by having very low standards And making the most of what I knew was a temporary stage
I didn't have a cleaner but have never been particularly house proud.
I had most food shopping delivered and only went out to shop for treats or extras so no stressful trips to the supermarket.
I chose easy to prepare foods plus some nice ready meals.
I made sure I left the house every day even just to walk round the block.
I indulged in box sets and happily spent hours on the sofa feeding, cuddling whilst watching.
I invited people round rather than go out.
I think the trick is to embrace the situation rather than resent it.
Good luck

Hi OP, I've done this for 2.5Years now.
It is so, so hard but I wouldn't have changed it for the World, I feel sad that my DH has missed out on so much of the wonderful experiences DC and I have had together. Having a strong circle of Mummy friends with same age DCs has helped, enrolling in Babygroups and activities every day too.

I have three young ones and a similar dh working pattern.
Basically, lower your standards. A lot. Go out lots and lots. Don’t think there anything you ‘have’ to do, I laugh for example I used to get out of bed early too

It gets easier. I found 4 months the absolute hardest bit (sleep regression, Velcro baby), but it's steadily got better since then and now at 7 months I feel like I'm on top of things. It helps that DS can sit up and play on his own now while I get some chores done or prep his meals.

In order to get my DP to help at the weekend, I offer him the choice of either cleaning the house on a Saturday morning or taking the baby out so I can clean. It's not ideal, but it helps.

My key tips would be: having a routine (babygroups etc), batch cooking (when you're on solids), get a cleaner once a week/fortnight, try and enforce 50/50 on weekends.

I'm in a similar situation with a 4 month old. Things I do to help myself:

1. Do my food shopping online.

1. Put wash on over night, my baby is happy in the am to chill in her cot for 30mins so I hang the washing up then, brush my teeth and grab some cereal.

1. Put baby in high chair, let her watch me cook food in kitchen. Then at least I get something decent to eat in the day. I have actually done this in the bathroom before, I was desperate for a shower! And she wouldn't settle so she watched me have a shower in her high chair .

1. Use the slow cooker, this has been a godsend. I buy prepped/chopped frozen veg. Stuff like butternut squash, sweet potatoes, leeks. Bung it all in with lentils, chicken and a pot of sauce. Leave it on low all day and then dinner is ready, just have to dish it up. I sometimes just put plates out and tell people to help themselves (my parents visit a lot so I have to feed them). Last night I made fajitas this way. Pre-chopped chicken from the shop, bag of salad and bag of pre-grated cheese. People can help themselves! This one is a real help as my fella is 6ft2 and eats his weight in food every day!! I can't stress how much of a help prepped veg/meat has helped. It's a bit more expenses be but saves on precious time.

1. I also have a a small nappy bag that goes every where with me. It's like a clutch bag. Just big enough to have a couple of nappies, wipes, Muslim, cream and a baby grow. I keep this topped up. I just bing it in my hand bag when I want to pop out. That way I'm not lugging a huge baby bag around with me.

1. My mate told me this one, don't bother warming baby bottles. My girl just drinks it at room temperature, and sometimes cold if it's been in the fridge. So if you have been warming bottles.....STOP it's a waste of time! Train ur baby to drink it as it comes.

If I think of anymore I'll add later. Us mummies have to stick together and help each other out xoxox

I absolutely found nursery worth it, would have to disagree. Also, it meant when I started back at work she was already settled. I didn't Do it with my second as she was a bottle refuser, and it was much harder to settle her.

I cooked a lot of ready meals and had a cleaner too. Plus used a sling.as she would not be put down. This dd is 2 now and I'm cooking from scratch again.

Basically you get used to it I've found.

However, he can still do things. If baby wakes early he can get up at 5 so you have an hour to sleep or shower etc.

He can make you dinner in the evening or bring back shopping or tidy up after his meal.

Weekends can be a bit depressing on my own with my two even now I can get lonely because if feels we 'should' be together. I plan lots of nice things, to keep kids entertained and see friends and family. Enforce some down time after and get kids to watch a film - admittedly your little one is a bit young!

Be organised as possible night before.

Creche so you can go to an exercise class or something? Bit of you time but not as long a day as nursery for baby.

I put DD in nursery for three half-days a week starting at three months old. Lifesaver. I was going nuts all on my own.

I felt like this and I promise you it gets so much easier in a few months time.
I didn’t have any help for the first year, DH was away a lot, no family near by and I didn’t meet any new mum friends because we were about to move area and I didn’t do NCT. Looking back, it was miserable!
If I was in that position again, I’d look for a mothers help a couple of days a week - who would help with the baby, but also do some cooking and cleaning. I’d also make more effort to join a baby group.
Hope it gets easier for you soon

I'd do nursery for a couple of mornings a week or look for a nanny who has a spare day or child age charges who wants a bit of extra work.

If you're having a really bad time even homestart if it's on in your area.

I always went out every day for a walk, usually a couple of hours. Makes a huge difference. a) the house stays the same without getting untidier/dirtier and b) it's great for your health.

Instead of nursery get a mother's help for a couple of hours a day.

How much does he work at the weekend if you're doing 90%? He should be doing 50% of any time he has off.

And YY to getting out of the house.