Living at Uni Question

[Verbena37]

Hi

Dd has 2 years until uni but we are regularly discussing options etc and she has said she is adamant she doesn’t want to live in Halls or with anybody else sharing accommodation.
She finds social situations difficult and prefers to have her own space.

Has anybody’s child lived alone at uni for similar reasons and was it in a flat/house you bought etc?

Apart from missing out on a huge part of uni , making friends that last for life etc have you considered the cost? I think you are setting her up to be isolated and lonely, probably dropping out of uni.
Has she looked at addressing her social anxiety ?
What about living at home and commuting ?

It will be very isolating, having people going through the same experience is very helpful, I think she will find it extremely difficult being alone.

Part of the University experience is doing new things and I think it would be pretty miserable if she went in with her current attitude it sounds like she doesn't want to be social and make friends.

Can you explain what's causing her to be this way and what's been done to support her?

Clearly allowing her to isolate herself is not ideal, and you've two years to try to help her overcome this hurdle.

Uni is a great time to meet people. Make new friends, and be with people in similar situations, it helps prepare for adult life, from working to living.

So as a last resort, this should be considered, but I'd try to see if I can help her overcome this firstly.

In addition I would say she will have her own space in halls she can retreat to. She can have a room with her own bathroom. She would only need to share kitchen facilities, and even those she doesn't have to use when she doesn't wish to, or linger there.

This is a good chance to be more social and try to grow into a new her - perhaps some counselling prior to university could be sensible ? Speak to the university too and see is they have halls which are less crazy party type halls and perhaps more for the mature type student?

When I was at uni a friend of mine's parents bought him a flat instead of paying for him to live in halls and then student housing.
It was pretty isolating for him and he spent about 3 years sleeping on the sofa in our gross student house instead of living in his swanky flat.
Obviously for him it wasn't because he didn't feel comfortable sharing- but personally I feel it's an important part of uni to share houses.

I've known kids live alone and I don't think it's a problem at all. Living in halls or student flats can be awful. It can be great fun but not always.
My social DD is going to be living in post grad halls next year but would have loved to live alone if it were practical.

There are lots of ways to socialise at Uni and sharing a flat doesn't have to be one of them.

Hopefully she will change her mind. If she doesn’t some universities do have studio apartments.

These are self contained with own bathroom, living are and small kitchen area. She’d have her own space but still be near other students.

If you live alone then I think it would be important to live close to the Uni and other students.

The other thing is, enabling her anxiety will probably set her up for a lifetime of it. Uni will be a miserable experience of feeling isolated.

Kids at uni are not like at school. They want to be friends, they have grown up a bit more.

This is a brilliant opportunity for your daughter to learn how to manage social situations, to integrate herself and to overcome this, to achieve something.

And it's a skill set it's better for her to have as an adult. Otherwise she will struggle at work, with friendships and with relationships as an adult.

Most modern halls are not going to be that different to a studio/bedsit. Most are ensuite and the shared facilities are the kitchen, but plenty are roomy enough so you can have your own fridge/kettle. The big benefit is being on site (and being able to roll into a lecture in 5 mins of waking up) Its up to your DD as to how much she wants to interact/retreat.
I didn't get on with my 1st year set of 'flatmates' - there was no social interaction but I was glad to be on campus...

There are lots of ways to socialise at Uni and sharing a flat doesn't have to be one of them.

The problem I foresee in this situation is that the Ops daughter isn't a social person, so is unlikely to join in with social activities if she doesn't have to. Having to share a space in halls would mean that she had her own room but also had others around for companionship and to socialise with (even if it is eating a takeaway pizza whilst watching tv). By not having this experience and living alone I fear a socially anxious person would spend 3 years attending lectures, then returning to he own house alone and having no social life outside of that.

A lot of the new accomodation that is being built is studio flats within new halls of residence. Maybe this would suit your DD? Personally I think it would be a bit isolating & she would have to make the effort elsewhere. DD had halls next door that were studio flats, I think they were mainly occupied by mature or ppost-graduate students or ovreseas students, but there were efforts to have social events with them, at least at the beginning.

Lots of universities have studio apartments nearby them, as private halls. They're expensive, but could be a good option for her.
Otherwise, do you live in a university city and she could live at home?

By not having this experience and living alone I fear a socially anxious person would spend 3 years attending lectures, then returning to he own house alone and having no social life outside of that

This would be my fear. It's very different from someone who is socially outgoing, although for even them it's hard. But for someone who actively wishes to avoid social situations this could be very damaging indeed.

For example my daughter can be quite introverted but forces herself. Those she shared halls with she went on to share a house with in years two and three, and she set up study groups, for other students on her course, to work together. In halls she had her own room and en suite.

In addition working requires socialisation, even just the interviews for jobs requires it. Meeting people, forming romantic attachments. They all require socialisation. Uni is the time to learn this.

For a socially anxious person I'd say it's better to help them over come this, rather than enable it.

I lived in halls for a year with the idea that it'd bring me out of my shell and I'd meet people... I spent a year eating snack food and canned food heated with hot water from a kettle. Didn't use the kitchen once. Showered at 4am to avoid people. Only conversations I had were people cornering me and joking about checking that I wasn't dead. I would've been much better off with my own space because I ended up in a situation where I felt that I couldn't go out if there were people in the corridors and communal areas.

Obviously, I can't know how things would've gone if I had my own space but I think that there are better ways to encourage somebody who's socially anxious than pushing them to live with strangers. It's too nonstop.

It will be highly isolating to not share. I'd persuade her to do halls in first year and if she doesn't like it, studio flat for second and third.

Halls and other people are a major part of forming friendships and settling down as you have a group of people going through the same worries.

If she does want to live alone, then get her to join a society.

I went to uni age 21 with my husband and DD at home so couldn't really live in halls so joined a society for the social aspect and made the best friends ever! It was lovely as they were so welcoming.

It's two years away. I would encourage her to keep an open mind but otherwise I would not make a big deal of it at this stage.

DS's Halls have individual studio flats, but they are considerably more expensive, along the lines of en-suite room in halls being around £145 per week, and the little studios £230-300.

Would living at home and commuting to university be an option?

She could live in halls without much social interaction. DS didn't bond with last year's flatmates, but he had an en-suite so only shared a kitchen (no lounge), not much need for interaction. He had a mini fridge in his room, which helped. He's not antisocial, but he's happy to spend time alone (computer nerd) and he went to groups and out with friends from his course a few times a week.

I spent a year eating snack food and canned food heated with hot water from a kettle. Didn't use the kitchen once. Showered at 4am to avoid people

That's so sad, and very extreme. How did you manage lectures and tutorials can I ask, and now the working environment? Do you have friends, a partner?

Don't really want to make this about me. Isolation at university isn't uncommon anyway. Look on The Student Room. Every single year, there are posts from people on the other side of it who want to make friends but have ended up with flatmates who never leave their rooms. I just think it's a mistake to think that being thrown into 24/7 university will be the making of her. I'd push societies, if she doesn't do much at the moment, look into if there's any hobbies she'd like to pick up now that she can carry on with at university, rather than pushing living in halls.

Could she live at home? I would leave it for a while as it's two years away. She might find friends from home are going to the same uni or meet people at open days or online so she knows people before she goes.

Thanks for your replies everyone.
So dd has so-called anxiety and she is now on the waiting list to see school counsellor and her nhs consultants for gastro stuff hasn’t recommended to her gp that they refer to CAMHS for counselling.

The anxiety has become worse over last 2 years. She has just completed GCSEs and has now moved schools for 6th form and it’s going well.

I have no idea where the anxiety comes from. She was an army child until a few years ago so moved schools and friends a lot. I guess that could be a factor. She seems to make friends easily but doesn’t give much away until she knows the most very well.

I keep telling her that when I was in Halls, although I didn’t love it, it gave me a group of girls to go out and socialise with. I didn’t really go out much with people from my course.but we got on ok.

She breaks down crying if I say Halls will be fine and says I just don’t know her.

I know it’s still 2 years away but it will come round so fast and I just wanted to ask opinions on living alone now so i could get an idea.

Hoping counselling will help her with the social anxiety part.

Oops social anxiety not ‘so called’!

Some halls are self-contained studio apartments, especially private ones (although they tend to cost more and are predominantly postgrads). If she qualifies for DSA she can contact the accommodation office in advance and they can take her needs into account when allocating halls.