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Original poster

I'm pregnant and so can't afford this baby-- don't know how I will cope.

36 replies

PistachioPitch · 17/09/2018 06:19

We don't earn alot and have 3 kids. Youngest is only 6m old and we have really stretched the budget in having her but we decided we could cope financially with another one more and we really wanted 3 kids.

Just found out im pregnant even though i was on the pill. I should be happy, but all I can think of is how are we going to afford it. My house is small. We'll need another car. Where will I get the money from. We don't have thousands to even buy a car. I'll need a double buggy. I'm really really upset. We don't even qualify for help from the government as they've cut benefits for more than 2 kids.

I'm so so worried. I will go to work when youngest is at nursery but I didn't want this for them. Living in poverty.

OP posts:
SonEtLumiere · 17/09/2018 06:22

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
PistachioPitch · 17/09/2018 06:27

God, no. I cannot terminate. That is something i cannot do. We will somehow do this but I don't know how. I feel sick. I should be happy.

OP posts:
Wellmeetontheledge · 17/09/2018 06:32

Gosh what a shock got you. Can you keep everything from the six month old do you don’t have to buy anything for the new baby? People have had lots of kids in the past in small houses, it can be done. Xx

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1st trimester Families General pregnancy
MaverickSnoopy · 17/09/2018 06:34

I sort of know how you feel. I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd, after apparent condom failure. We decided to keep it despite finances being tight and because we are confident that we can work it out. The trouble for us is that I'm wobbling now (that I'm nearly due) and panicking that it won't all be ok. I have to trust that the plan we have put in place will work.

If you want this baby what can you both do to afford it? Can either of you get a better paying job or an extra one? Can you afford to wait to return to work until your 6mo is entitled to free hours? Can you work freelance in the interim or do a job when DH is around? Are any of these things options?

My DH is considering getting a vasectomy and I am considering using something in conjunction to be on the safe side after baby comes. Simply because we know that a fourth just isn't possible for us. I would have no choice but to terminate and that's not something I want. Is it something that you're considering at all?

Just remember - one thing at a time.

MaverickSnoopy · 17/09/2018 06:37

Cross posts - ok so termination off the table. You need a plan. You need to work out how much more money you need and work towards that. Keep all the baby things from your 6mo and get yourself (if you're not already) onto Facebook selling groups (we have a Facebook freecycle in our area).

What is your current living situation and how tight are your finances?

Donthugmeimscared · 17/09/2018 06:50

The size of house shouldn't be a problem my grandparents had 11 children in a tiny three bedroom house they just didn't have much personal space.

I got pregnant with my third and felt the same as you. On paper there was no way we could manage but we did in the end. You just learn to make it work. I'm sorry I can't be more help.

Original poster
PistachioPitch · 17/09/2018 08:11

No. I definitely cant terminate.. I know it will eat at me for the rest of my life. It's happening and I don't know how we'll cope esp in the first few years. I will get a weekend job when youngest is 2. So that should bring in a couple of hundred a month. Then when its 3. I can work during the day. I already buy from Facebook for baby and thankfully have kept everything.

I think it's a shock and I was really panicking. I think we can do this. We have to. For the next 4 years things will be really hard. It's just I didn't want my kids to go without just simple things that's all.

OP posts:
TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 17/09/2018 08:57

How big is your house, and what ages/sexes are your existing DC? Small children really don't need a lot of space, and nor do they need expensive kit or experiences. If you already have 3 then I'm sure your house is full of toys, books, clothes etc already. There is so much you can do to enrich your children's lives, both inside and outside the house, without needing huge amounts of money. What are the "simple things" you are worried about them going without?

Re the car, are you absolutely sure you would need another? If you live in the sticks then maybe there's no way round it, but remember there are lots of families with non-driving parents, or who live in urban areas and rely completely on public transport without even one car between them. How many times, realistically, would you need to fit the whole family into one car?

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2018 09:05

If you're Inn a 2 bed you really are going to have to move. Do you rent or own?

Double buggy etc you can get off FB sites etc. It doesn't have to be new, just functional.

Your 3rd will be just gone one so will be out of moses basket / crib and into cot so you don't need a bed for them yet.

Second hand bed and new mattress when the time comes.

They'll have tons of hand me down toys and clothes so ask for practical stuff or money for the first few Xmas' and birthdays.

Once baby4 is 1 could you look at doing a few hours a weekend? Means DH doing his share but it'll top you up a bit

Bimgy85 · 17/09/2018 09:06

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daytimemom · 17/09/2018 09:44

You’ve said you can’t afford another baby.
You’ve said you don’t know how you will cope.
And yet you won’t consider your options and are going to go ahead and have another baby.
What do you want us to say?

FilledSoda · 17/09/2018 09:50

I'm a bit puzzled at you saying you should be happy ?
Should you?
Why?
Contraceptive failure and poverty would make most of us unhappy you know .

Howhot · 17/09/2018 10:04

What about the children you already have OP? I couldn't knowingly lead my children into poverty. What has your OH said?

Namechange8471 · 17/09/2018 10:07

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Spacezombies · 17/09/2018 10:15

It's not just the next 4 years. When they are in school, everyone thinks it won't be a o bad cos you don't need to pay a nursery but schools have trips, fun days for raising money, uniform, birthday parties, activities with their friends, pocket money, clothes for children who always wear out the knees of their trousers and don't stop growing, shoes for feet which keep growing. It's not just the next 4 years which will be hard. If you or your husband are unable to increase your earnings then it will be a lifetime of saying no to your kids because you can't afford it.

Many people live like that with just 1 or 2 children; you won't be the only family struggling... But you will be struggling. So, if you want to have this child then you will need to accept now that your life, and the childhood years of your children, will be hard and possibly on the poverty line. That's something that can drive you into huge depression which would be even worse for your kids. I'm not saying don't do it... But don't kid yourself that it's only going to be a few hard years. Go into with your eyes open and have the mindset you will need to persevere through it.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2018 10:16

If op knows her mental health wouldn't cope with a termination then that IS in the kids interests too.

She hasn't said they'd be in poverty, she said things would be tough for a few years. She talked about going back to work when dc4 was 2 but realistically it probably needs to be a year earlier.

There may be things they can sell to finance a baby carrier, nappies etc.

Thesearmsofmine · 17/09/2018 10:16

Could you start doing a few hours of work once baby is 3-4 months old, working around your husbands work hours? That would be my first plan.

keely79 · 17/09/2018 10:22

Could you consider a sling rather than a double buggy (baby in sling, older one in the buggy) - much cheaper initially.

Join freecycle groups - our local one often has baby items given away for free.

Do you have any outside space where you can grow vegetables, etc?

Namelesswonder · 17/09/2018 10:23

Why wait till youngest is 2 before working weekends? I would aim for 6 months. I went back to work part time when eldest was 6 months as that’s when my maternity pay ended (13 years ago).

Mamimawr · 17/09/2018 10:27

My kids have tried to persuade me to buy them a triple bed after sleeping in one in a self catering house!

I'm pregnant and so can't afford this baby-- don't know how I will cope.
Pressuredrip · 17/09/2018 10:29

I think that's a bit dramatic spacezombies,the OP isn't entitled to tax credits but will be entitled to nearly £55 a month in child benefit, which would cover the things you mention.

Mookatron · 17/09/2018 10:36

Are people really trying to encourage the OP to consider abortion when she's said it's not on the table?

Those posts read like a Daily Mail journalist trying to create a 'story' for their 'newspaper'.

I'm not taking about those people who suggested it as an option - I am firmly pro choice - but people saying 'are you REALLY going to..' etc . Take a good look at yourselves.

OP it's normal to panic. It will be hard, you know this. But it's good that you're going on with your eyes wide open.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 17/09/2018 10:45

Why should you be happy? You are already financially stretched to your limits, you aimed not to have another child and now you are pregnant. It's ok to feel sad.

While I also support your right to choose, coming from an overly large family myself (and with 4 DCs, so no bias against them), I do think you have to seriously consider the impact on your family dynamics and finances of having another baby right now. 4 can be fabulous, but there is no doubt that even with money it stretches your resources in every way - especially with such a small age gap, and because you will need to be working more.

Assuming you are going ahead anyway, I'd talk to every family connection or support you might have. Are you part of any local churches? There are often collections for furniture etc if you find a larger place to move. Good luck however you choose.

Leavesorange · 17/09/2018 10:45

What is your household income at the moment?
I've heard this before and the income was a fortuneHmm

Spacezombies · 17/09/2018 10:49

@Pressuredrip

£55 a month will not cover all of that for 4 kids. Certainly not at my school anyway. It wouldn't even be enough for one family cinema trip or family meal. So realistically, they will not be able to afford any extra treats for the kids. It will be the minimum for most of their childhood. That's someone she needs to think about whether she can accept or not.