Is this depression?

[Wobblebeans]

I've actually started writing this several times over the past few months, but I never know where to start.
I've been feeling like this just mildly for a few years now, but lately it's gotten much worse.

Every time I have to leave the house, I get this huge knot in my stomach, like nerves but worse iyswim. It can start anything up to an hour before I actually have to go out. I can't explain the feeling, but I'll try. It's kind of like a sick feeling, I can feel my heart going, and I have to go for a wee at least 3 or 4 times in the half hour before I leave the house. I only ever go out now when I have to (school run)

Sorry this is all over the place

It's like I have no interest in anything either, and trying to do anything around the house is pointless. I don't know how to explain it, but every morning I have a list of stuff In my head to do, but then it just seems like too much, kind of like a hopeless feeling that everything's building up around me, then nothing gets done and it builds up more.

I've just done the test on the nhs website, and this was the result, I have to do something about this, don't I? where the hell do I start?

It sounds more like agoraphobia. I am not a medical person or qualified to give advice but I would speak to your GP about it. Best wishes.

Thank you for replying

I don't know, isn't that a phobia of leaving the house? It's not just that, it's a low feeling all the time, even if I know I don't have to go anywhere. That part of it just makes it worse

It does sound as though it could be depression and/or anxiety. I've been through it (still on a low dose of medication) and can empathise with the feeling of not being able to do anything and them feeling worse because you've not got anything done.

I'd go and see your GP. In my experience they tend to prescribe medication which isn't always the right answer for everyone. Where i live there is a long waiting list for counselling, but i was lucky to get some through work. Do you have anyone you can talk to about it in real life? Friends, partner, family? I found that things that helped me were doing one small task to get going. So I had a long list in my head like you, and realistically I was never going to do it all so I felt as though I'd failed. But if you set yourself one task, something small like doing the washing up, then if you can do that you'll have achieved what you aimed to do. It sometimes then motivates you to do something else too.

Could you go for a very short walk to get you used to leaving the house? Like just to the end of the road, them reward yourself with a cup of tea.

Sorry if that is rubbish advice but I just wanted to say I know a bit about how you feel.

I'm sorry, I don't want to drip feed, I didn't really want to put this down because I know it's disgusting, but I think it would give a fuller picture.
I've also lost the motivation to lol after myself properly, it's like looking up a huge mountain that you know you have to climb, but it's impossible. I'm not explaining properly, I know. I only brush my teeth on the days when I take the kids to school, but then I go overboard with it to make up for the days I don't. I don't want people to know how bad I've let it get. I have to do 3 school runs a day, and I do them each time I go out. I'm only washing my hair once every 2 weeks now, and I don't brush it as often as I should.

I feel like I'm waffling on now, but I've opened the floodgates now I've finally posted this

*look after

I have chronic anxiety and if I get bad I basically go catatonic, I struggle to function. I know I’m going downhill when my self-care deteriorates - like not showering daily, leaving it an extra day to wash my hair...

You need to see your GP. I would always advise a combination of medication and counselling to get on top of things. I hope you feel better soon

Thanks Hotpot

I do have a partner, and he is supportive, I haven't spoken to him because I don't want to bother him with this, he knows somethings up though.
He mucks in with the house and kids when he's not at work, and he makes sure I have time when he's at home. I feel awful for loading it all onto him, we'd be living in filth if it weren't for him, but he can't keep us all going by himself. It's unfair. I wouldn't know where to start.
I have a supportive family too, we all live basically round the corner from each other.

I actually managed a bath this morning
Still haven't washed my hair but I feel a bit better for it.
It's too late to ring the gp now isn't it, usually you have to call them at 8am for an appointment, or does it not matter?

I'd give them a ring anyway. You might not get an appointment for today, but you could book for later in the week maybe.

Well done for having a bath - glad you feel a bit better for it. Small steps at a time.

I can't do it, why can't I do it?
Why the fuck I am I sat here crying because I can't pick up the phone
I can't even wash my hair like a normal person, why is it so hard

Can you leave it for today, and speak to your partner later? My partner phoned the GP for me because I couldn't make myself do it.

Of does your GP have an online booking system? So you don't have to speak to anyone?

No online booking, I've just looked
I've texted DP at work, he's suggested ordering tonight and having a chat

It definately sounds like depression and anxiety to me. First of all good on you for writing the post, acknowledging the problem is a huge step! There's absolutely no shame in it whatsoever but I know that won't make you feel any better. Get your dp to make the appointment for you and try for a time he can come with you. Dont worry about being totally honest with your gp as they will have encountered similar several times a day! It's ok to celebrate small victories like having a bath or emptying the bin! You need to try not to beat yourself up over things you haven't done or don't feel up to as thats a vicious cycle and a hard one to break! At my worst I try and set myself a small goal each day such as nip to fetch bread, wash hair, or even set out clothes for the next morning! At the end of each day allow yourself time to be proud of yourself for anything productive however small it may be! All the best op

Yes, it does sound like depression, and please, I wish I was there to cheerlead you, see if you can make it to the doctor to talk to them.
You don't have to live like this. You're right, it absolutely shouldn't be this hard.
For me, the medication I'm on mostly works really well, and I know the feeling you're describing very very well.

@Wobblebeans - in answer to the "I can't do it, why can't I do it?" :

I saw this thread on Twitter a while ago and oh god it puts that feeling into actual words so well.

twitter.com/mollybackes/status/1034239973392871426?s=19

And look at all the other people in the same boat. It certainly does sound like you're depressed, in which case the way you're feeling makes perfect sense. It is simply a symptom, you wouldn't judge yourself for being sick if you had a stomach bug and this is no different ❤️

Ask DP to get you to the GP and let them help you x

Definitely sounds like depression and there is help available

Try Google and see if there are exercises you can do at home. Try a short walk each day as exercise is good too. Also make sure you have a good diet.

Hopefully then you will better.

Thank you all
lello I haven't seen that before, but it makes perfect sense to me
That conversation is going on in my head all the time "it's only washing your hair/going to the shop/doing the dishes", whatever, but it's impossible and I can't explain why.

I'm getting that knotty feeling again because I know I'll be speaking to DP tonight, I don't know how to start. I've got nothing, if I can't speak to DP then how can I speak to a gp that I don't know

Wobblebeans, if you think it's going to be too difficult to talk to your DP or your GP about this, why not print off this thread and give it to them to read through?

for you - I've been in your position too, and I just hate the slippery, shapeshifting nature of the Impossible Task and the way not being able to file the bills and receipts/iron the washing/tackle the brambles in the garden corrodes away all the better feelings in me.

Please find a way past the block and access help for yourself.

DP tried calling this morning, but all appointments had gone and they don't do appointments in advance anymore
So I've taken one step forward and 10 steps back
I don't want to waste their time, I don't know whether I should just tell DP not to bother tomorrow

No, keep trying. You're not wasting their time at all

It's me again
DP made an appointment for quarter past 9
Didn't expect it to be so early
Having a ciggie to try and calm myself, I'm shaking
I'm going to break down in there and embarrass myself aren't I
Ugh

My legs aren't working properly, and I feel lightheaded
Having another ciggie on the way down
I feel sick
When did walking become so hard, my legs are like jelly

We're here for you. It's good that you are asking for support. Think of it as helping yourself. There is no shame in self-care and admitting that you're struggling to cope.

my MIL has anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. She can't live on her own as she won't eat or drink unless persuaded and the food is made for her. She won't go outside. She hasn't bathed in over 2 weeks, and that is one of the shorter stretches. She is living with us permanently, or until we feel we can no longer cope. The whole situation has a heavy mental toll on DP.

She has never wanted help or tried to engage with social services.

Not saying this to scare you, but perhaps it will help you to see how it important it is that you are wanting to change, and are taking these steps.

Stick with it, Wobblebeans - even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.