What stage swimming is ok to stop at?

[ANiceLentilHotpot]

DD (9) has been having swimming lessons for a year. She'd had lessons at another pool when she was younger and hated it and it put her off swimming. When she started these new lessons she wouldn't put her face in the water and refused to get in. The teacher was brilliant and after half an hour she was in the water and had put her face under. The teacher makes the lessons fun and DD started to love swimming and said she wanted to do all the stages and get really good.

She's now at stage 4, but this means a change of teacher (same pool but her other teacher only teaches up to stage 3). The new teacher is very different, very strict, and DD is scared of her. The first lesson she wouldn't get in and got really upset. I eventually managed to get her to sit in the side and the teacher said 'right stop being so silly about nothing, get in the water now'. DD did, and did what she was told for the rest of the lesson but was really upset afterwards. This week she got in the water (although said she didn't want to) but got really upset after the lesson again and said she's not going back.

I can see why she's nervous of the teacher, she shouts instructions and DD says she sometimes doesn't understand them, but if the children get things wrong the teacher shouts at them to do it again because its wrong. DD is very shy and worries about getting things wrong and having everyone looking at her.

I said we should give it a few more weeks to see if she gets used to the teacher, but I know she'll be really upset again next week. Or I suggested trying to find a different pool with a different teacher but DD said she doesn't want to do that either because it'll be unfamiliar and she won't know any of the children.

Should I keep dragging her there even though she no longer enjoys it or is stage 4 enough to keep safe in the water and I take her swimming to keep her enjoying it?

Speak to the swimming leader. Keep her in stage 3 .

My DS 10 and all his swimming club age 9-11 can do 100 lengths.
Don't give up the lessons yet.

I agree, it’s not enough to keep her safe should she get into difficulty in water.

Swimming is a life skill, learning is none negotiable for my children - they’re not stopping until stage 6 at least. Luckily they like lessons and have good teachers - can you change classes?

Not unusual to be able to swim 100 lengths at 10.

But if not, I'd advise to keep with lessons for a few more years! It's not an x amount of lengths by x years thing, it's a lifelong skill that may take some time to get there.

Yes swimming is an important life skill - and so is not putting up with bullies. Can she not learn somewhere else OP?

The teacher sounds horrible and worse in combination with her nerves. Could you afford some private lessons with the nice teacher then extra practice with you?
As others have said, she needs to swim well enough to survive in an emergency.

i stopped swimming lessons once theyd learned to swim, and then just took them for fun here and there after that

My DD, 8, ĺikes swimming although she's not a natural, but doesn't like lessons. She can do 25m front crawl and backstroke. I let her stop as why force her to do something she doesn't enjoy. She has other hobbies that she is good at.

All this 'life skill' stuff is dubious, as there are studies showing good swimmers as actually more at risk from drowning, as they will put themselves in more dangerous situations.

Thanks again. I think I'll say we're going to try a couple more lessons where we are (no idea how to get her into the water if she doesn't want to though, any advice on this would be good!) and if she's still getting upset will try to find lessons somewhere else.

I agree it's an important life skill, but I don't think she'll keep up with it (to get to a level where it could save her life) if she dreads it every week.

I thought I was a strong swimmer but I'm not fit enough to do 100 lengths without stopping, I guess you have to train regularly to maintain that level.

Swim instructor here! We recommend that pupils complete stage 7 (Purple hats) they would have covered personal survival elements by this point too.

We let DS stop at end of stage 7. We felt he was a good enough in the water. I have an unconfident child who was a nightmare to get used to lessons in the beginning, but she was 3/4. Sorry, but at 9 and after completing 3 stages I'd expect her to stop being ridiculous and get in the water. I'd be exasperated if I was that teacher too, she isn't teaching beginners. On that note, if she refuses to swim, I'd move lessons but I wouldn't let her quit as swimming is a life skill.

If you insisted, would it not incentivise her to get on with stage 4 so she can finish as quickly as possible? I think teaching kids to stick at things is important. That said I'm no perfect mother as my DD is a terribly picky eater. I can see your quandary but I would push the life skill. I try to push the varied eating for health but I'm getting nowhere.

I’m also with everyone that’s saying tell her not to be silly. It isn’t acceptable behaviour for a dc of that age and you do her no favours pandering to her! She can’t ‘swim’ yet so I wouldn’t stop lessons.

Personally I would say she needs to keep going - either get on with it with scary teacher or find another pool/class.

I let DS give up when he could do 1km using three competent strokes. He had the potential to be a pretty good swimmer but it just wasn't his thing. We talked about it on the basis that if he ever wants to do sailing, surfing, waterskiing etc. he needed to be able to swim more than just a length.

I would say let her stop. You are more likely to damage your relationship with her long term from insisting she goes if she really hates it, than she is to need to swim the channel if the ferry goes down.
You did say she can already swim. Does she have to be Olympic standard before she can stop doing something she hates just because YOU want her to do it? She can always teach herself (or could you guide her?) if she ever wants to do more.
DCs don't HAVE to do all these activities. Tooth cleaning, attending school and obeying the law are non-negotiable. Other things are less so. But that relationship with your child is beyond precious. Think carefully.

She’s not safe in water yet. I’d give her the choice of staying with this teacher or starting again with a new swim school, but she has to continue with swimming until she is safe. Put the onus on her to decide the way forward.

I flatly refused to do the local swim school with dd3.
I paid for 121 lesson for her once she turned 7. 45 mins every other week. Fifteen quid a pop.
In 2 years (so not in school hols). She went from non swimmer, but happy in water, to swimming 800 yds
At which point we stopped.

After stage 7

My mum made me keep swimming until I was confident in my strokes for a good few lengths, could jump in without panicking and could go under water in pjs and keep swimming (not a clue what stage that was but those where way back when).

But I hated. HATED. HATED. swimming. I was terrified of my teacher although she still teaches and everyone I know raves about her but I was purely terrified of her. I was a very quiet kid too.

I used to try and think of ways to hurt myself so I didn't have to go swimming. I remember before one test lesson for a stage badge wishing I was brave enough to fall out of a moving car.

On the flip side I'm glad my mum pushed me to learn to swim. I'm confident in pools and can swim in the sea but nervous of depths I can't see the bottom and of currents and waves. My mum also now knows how I felt as a kid and says she seriously beats herself up that I was so unhappy. I think it's a bit of swings and roundabouts. Your daughter needs to learn, needs to be strong and confident in water. However if the teacher isn't getting through to her and making her feel confident then I'd suggest moving classes.

Good luck OP!

Is there a U.K. version of the Australian nippers? (Junior surf lifesaving?) Getting through that is sort of my endpoint, it stops at 13. My older two (10 and 12) swim for a club so more than 100 lengths a session but through Nippers they can swim in the sea, identify rips and have learned CPR (with the latter not essential for swimming but good for life!)

GiraffeObsessedBaby sorry you had such a horrible time of swimming lessons. What you said reminded me that my DD said in the way to the lesson this week 'if I trip over and hurt myself I won't have to go to the lesson will I?'. I don't want her to feel like that every week.

I've just emailed another pool about lessons so will see if swapping is an option. DD says she doesn't want to swap pools but I think she'll settle in with nice teachers. I can't see her enjoying lessons with her current teacher. For those saying tell her she's being silly and just get in the water, I really don't know how I'd do that. She was so anxious and upset, even if I stood in front of her and just said 'get in the water now!' she wouldn't do it.

nolongersurprised yes there is its called Rookie Lifeguards my two 8 and 11 do it and it has taught them far more than just swimming lengths ever would.

@ANiceLentilHotpot honestly now I'm glad I learnt. But my mum and I had a deal for a long time about what stage I had to get to before I was allowed to stop. I think I was about 11 it was just before high school I'm pretty sure.

I know my mum gets so mad and upset when i laugh about it now. She thought she was doing the best by me as this teacher is so well loved - and is still. But the teacher just didn't seem to manage to get through to me not necessarily a failing on her part. But she was strict when I needed soft and soft when I needed strict (I say this as someone who now works in pastoral care). It's a hard balance to find but with something as important as swimming it's always worth pursuing any other options if unhappy.

Also yeah kind of agree those who said she's being silly, maybe she is but she's obviously anxious about it and just telling her to get a grip like that doesn't always help.

Hope you find somewhere she's happy =]

I think it’s silly to not get into the pool. My now 6 year old was like this when she was going through a phase of not wanting to try and work on swimming or even putting her face in. My dd was advised to do lots of swimming to strengthen muscles following an operation on her shoulder, so she had to push herself to get stronger.

My answer was we all have to do things in life we don’t like to do, we all have to work hard learning things we don’t like to learn. It’s what makes us grow and develop, the more we push ourselves, to challenge ourselves and our fears, the stronger and more confident we become. I also always reward her for trying her best and pushing herself to do things that make her nervous.

I know when my kids are sick and unable or genuinely petrified, and yes I have called time on a lesson or had a word with the instructor in such situations. But being a bit nervous of a new strict instructor and not even getting in the pool is a bit pathetic.

Unless your daughter has MH issues around anxiety then I wouldn’t be too quick to pander. But that’s just me. I am admittedly one of those mums who MN loves to hate who sets a high level of expectation for trying their best.

It might help to see if she can go somewhere that some of her friends go to swim - could you ask around for recommendations from other parents.

I also wouldn't let her go back to that teacher. Given that other children are finding her problematic, it isn't your DD so much as the teacher. I think it is important to show children that they don't have to put up with an unpleasant situation, particularly if it is caused by a misuse of authority. It is also important to demonstrate to them that you are there for them and will step in to ensure that they are treated respectfully.

Whilst not the same situation, I withdrew my DD from a term of swimming lesson's I'd paid for after 2 lessons. I did that because I saw the teacher pick a child up in the lesson after DD's and throw him into the pool. I made it clear to DD why she wasn't going back.