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Original poster

This is wrong isn't it? Possible trigger-none-consensual touch

45 replies

Noodge · 16/09/2018 13:41

You go to bed leaving a visiting male friend in your house downstairs, tell him he's welcome to either see himself out or stay on sofa, you're sorry but you're really tired.

You wake up and he's in your bed next to you, his hand is inside your top and he's touching your breasts and nipples.

Further info if needed-friend is pretty fragile, just lost a close family member and had been to the pub with you to chat about it.

You're pretty fragile too after an especially shitty year.

You've both only had two drinks, no party was drunk, but you're slightly more affected than him and have been up since 430 am for work so you're just absolutely knackered and the drink went to your head. So you've cut the meet up short and made your apologies.

He actually pinched your nipples really hard and hurt you.

When you next wake up he's gone and has sent you a text saying 'thanks for a nice eve see you soon' as if nothing has happened.

Someone give me a grip on this please. I don't know what to do/think.

OP posts:

AbsentmindedWoman · 16/09/2018 13:43

I'm so sorry this happened to you, this is assault.

LadyBaneGrey · 16/09/2018 13:44

This awful behaviour. He sexually assaulted you while you were sleeping. He then gaslit you and acted like he hadn’t done anything.

No excuses. I’d not see this guy again.

AbsentmindedWoman · 16/09/2018 13:46

Also - it doesn't matter if he's 'fragile', that's not an excuse to trample all over somebody's boundaries and assault them.

Beamur · 16/09/2018 13:47

This is wrong. However fragile you both are, he has assaulted you. Have you got someone you can talk to?

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/09/2018 13:47

Nope, just nope.

Obviously it doesn't matter or not as nothing excuses it, but has he got the wrong end of the stick? Did he think you were interested in him as more than a friend?

There is NO excuse for this and I would be telling him exactly what you thought of him and that this is sexual assault. What did you say when you woke up? You have ever right to report this to the police.

Nothisispatrick · 16/09/2018 13:47

That’s disgusting. Of course it’s wrong.

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/09/2018 13:48

every right ffs!!

Redglitter · 16/09/2018 13:48

Doesn't matter how fragile he is that doesn't give him the right to sexually assault you

flumpybear · 16/09/2018 13:48

Did you tell him to stop? Just wondering if he thought it may be something you saying you're going to bed so instigated something then stopped when you said no?

This is still unacceptable, but a shade better than assaulting you whilst you're sleeping

Bacere · 16/09/2018 13:52

There is nothing right about it. If you feel strong enough report him to the police. You never know if he's done this before or will in the future either way, no excuse is good enough. Hope you are as ok as you can be.

Sharkwithknees · 16/09/2018 13:52

That is awful. This isn't just a case of him misreading a situation, there were no blurred lines here, he knew he should have slept on the sofa and you in your bed. And to touch you while you're sleeping is just horrendous. Then to have the face to pretend nothing's happened. So sorry you had to go through this. It's sexual assault - I'd seriously call the police. He may have had accusations in the past to which charges were never brought or it may happen again to someone else in the future. What a disgusting man

couchparsnip · 16/09/2018 13:55

When you say you cut the meet up short, do you mean you told him to leave?
However 'fragile' he is, he shouldn't be doing that. He isn't entitled to touch your body just because he's grieving. He's not respecting you at all. Did he stop immediately when you told him to?

Sharkwithknees · 16/09/2018 13:58

flumpy what the actual hell? She woke up to him in her bed! Touching her! Sounds like classic victim blaming, which is ridiculous in a clear cut situation like this.

FunSponges · 16/09/2018 13:59

It's not right at all OP. You were asleep so no consent unless you explicitly said before going to bed 'please climb into my bed when I'm asleep and touch me' which I doubt very much you did.

DuggeesWoggle · 16/09/2018 13:59

It's very wrong and you know it. What if you hadn't woken up when you did? Doesn't bear thinking about.

I guess the decision is what to do about it now? If it had happened to a friend, what would you advise them to do?

iMatter · 16/09/2018 14:04

Bastard.

Did he stay in your bed afterwards?

How are you now?

Original poster

Noodge · 16/09/2018 14:31

Thank you all. I feel like my brain is trying to find reasons why it might be my fault. I guess thats what social conditioning can do to us :(

beamur I am seeing a counsellor for other reasons, I might bring it up. I told my Mum, and she said 'don't tell your Dad' (I'm 40)!

Orlando I know what you mean, I really really don't think so, or if he did/does, I really feel he shouldn't for several reasons.

I have a partner 2)Im gay! He knows this and knows her!

I work in the same industry as him, not 'with' him but our paths cross frequently.

Flumpy I am ashamed to say I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was half asleep woke up thinking 'wtf?!' then froze and pretended to be asleep. I couldn't work out properly what was happening at first. I dont know how long he'd been doing it before I woke. And then after what seemed like a long time but could have been about a minute, he got up and left the room, muttering something.

I really dont know why I did that. I am a pretty savvy woman most of the time. A guy went to slap my bum once and I pre-empted it and caught his hand from behind before he managed it. I've told many an idiot where to go when they've cross my boundaries. I dont know what was different about this-maybe because I was asleep, and at home where I usually would feel safe, & I regarded him as a friend? I dont know :(

bacere and others who've said police, I don't know...because of the work situation :(

I hear you on the 'sisterhood' thing. If he can do this to me, what else can he do and to whom.

Thanks shark. I really felt I might be overreacting.

couch on second thoughts I dont know really. I guess what I meant was, it was early in the night-he's the type who will go on a drinking session with friends until 3 am, I'm not. It was only about 930-10pm so perhaps he expected my company for longer, I probably would have stayed up longer if I hadn't have been on early shifts all week and so tired.

But also, the original plan was he was to come for a coffee, he arrived and I'd ran out of milk. So I suggested the pub instead,I am aware this is me finding a reason to blame myself? Perhaps had we just had a chat and coffee at mine it would have been different.. But, I didn't at any point say we'd have a big night out or anything, I just thought perhaps he thought I was a killjoy for ending the night after a couple of drinks? But we've been out as a group before and I don't think he's ever known me to be the sort who stays out late none of this matters does it

duggees that did worry me, I wondered if he had done anything else at first but... I was wearing quite tight pjama bottoms,(more like leggings really) which I am so glad about because I'm almost 100% sure I'd have woken if he'd tried putting his hands down them.

Fun, nope, I most definitely did not say that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Noodge · 16/09/2018 14:32

duggees I would probably say call the police. Yes, I definitely would.And if I knew/saw the guy I'd find it hard to not tell him what I thought of him.

OP posts:

couchparsnip · 16/09/2018 14:49

Freezing is a very natural reaction to the situation. It must have been confusing if you just woke up and he was there.

It sounds even worse after your update. You were clearly not consenting as you were asleep, and he knew that you were very unlikely to consent if you were awake as well. It's definitely not him misreading signals. I would avoid him in future and report to the police.

Original poster

Noodge · 16/09/2018 16:14

He has actually just sent me a text I haven't replied to the last one) saying he's going to a nearby event and 'Do I want to come? Bring a friend if you want)!

No, I don't.

OP posts:

ButchyRestingFace · 16/09/2018 16:21

Eww, nasty, predatory twat. Nothing you did wrong, OP. Either in inviting him to the pub (!) or being frozen when he climbed into your bed.

HollowTalk · 16/09/2018 16:22

That's horrific. I wouldn't want anything more to do with him.

Did he leave your bed when you told him to?

DuggeesWoggle · 16/09/2018 17:37

That's bizarre that he can pretend it didn't happen (although by alluding to you bringing a friend he knows damn well it did). He obviously fails to see that what he did was sexual assault, which is worrying. Or more worrying that he knows he assaulted you and is gaslighting you into thinking it either didn't happen or isn't a big deal.

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/09/2018 18:33

God what an arse. I would send him a message and tell him that you were awake the other night when he sexually assaulted you and because of that you do not wish to socialise with, talk to or see him again.

PassMeTheHaribosAmego · 16/09/2018 18:40

Fucking hell
You poor thing
Why did your mum say don’t tell your dad ? Is she not supporting you ?
You have done nothing wrong

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