This is wrong isn't it? Possible trigger-none-consensual touch

[Noodge]

You go to bed leaving a visiting male friend in your house downstairs, tell him he's welcome to either see himself out or stay on sofa, you're sorry but you're really tired.

You wake up and he's in your bed next to you, his hand is inside your top and he's touching your breasts and nipples.

Further info if needed-friend is pretty fragile, just lost a close family member and had been to the pub with you to chat about it.

You're pretty fragile too after an especially shitty year.

You've both only had two drinks, no party was drunk, but you're slightly more affected than him and have been up since 430 am for work so you're just absolutely knackered and the drink went to your head. So you've cut the meet up short and made your apologies.

He actually pinched your nipples really hard and hurt you.

When you next wake up he's gone and has sent you a text saying 'thanks for a nice eve see you soon' as if nothing has happened.

Someone give me a grip on this please. I don't know what to do/think.

Sexual assault. You would be well within your rights to go to the police. However, make that decision for yourself, and yourself only - if you think it would help, do so, if you think it would be additional trauma, don't.

And do not be ashamed of freezing. That's normal. What's often called the "flight or fight" response would be much more accurately described as the "flight, fight or freeze" response.

Hugs and

I've woken up the morning after a house party in similar circumstances; an aquaintance was having a thorough rummage inside my pants (like everyone else in the room, I was sleeping in underwear). I froze as I processed who it was then kicked him hard in the face. He disappeared from that social group after that day.

I didn't go to the police, I was young, not very experienced and doubted myself. With hindsight I understand that I did nothing wrong. That flirting heavily with person A the night before (now DH) was not any kind of invitation for person B to assualt me in my sleep. Now I am older and wiser I would be more likely to report it. I hope that a sharp kick to the face sent him a message permanently and that he hasn't mistreated a woman's body since otherwise, too many years have passed to be worth reporting unless it was a case of backing someone else up.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. If you wish, you are well within your rights to report it to the police.

Don't Flumpy. Just don't.

He's texting you innocent stuff just in case you take it further. " How could I have touched her? We were chatting as normal the next day!" Tell him you are going to the police. He knew damn well you were awake. Scum bag.

Hate to think this way- but is there any possibility your drink was spiked and he thought it had kicked in?
This is not your fault. Stop trying to find reasons he did this because he wanted to. Simple and horrible as that.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. Please consider reporting this to the police, it's assault.

I've NC - something similar happened to me. I woke up to my step-brother with his hands down my trousers... I didn't react and didn't tell anyone. He went on to rape my sister. I still haven't told my family and wasn't brave enough to back my sister properly when she was going through the process with the police. He got off without so much as a caution.

FFS Flump read the bloody OP. OP said "either sleep on the sofa or let yourself out." How the fuck could that be misconstrued as "get into bed with me and sexually assault me while I slept"?

@Noodge - I think it's normal
To freeze, what a horrible situation. I'd be inclined to seek some support from the police to speak through with them. I wasn't victim blaming here (f'off vipers!) I was asking for a bit more depth - I hope you're ok, it must be frightening in your own home where the world is meant to be safe - perhaps see if you can talk to a female officer tonight to tomorrow - good luck

He is trying to normalize the situation. I would reply to him that you were aware what he did and you will not be socializing with him again. Being ‘fragile’ does not give him the right to assault you or anyone else.

Yes, Eliza has hit the nail on the head. Whatever you do, do not reply to his texts (unless you feel able to actually say to him "you sexually assaulted me: I want nothing more to do with you.") If you send even a non-committal reply, should you then decide to go to the police, this will be used in court as evidence by his defence lawyer to suggest "it can't really have been assault if you were prepared to respond to his texts the next day."

I was at a party with lots of friends when I was 17. I met a guy again who I had met in the summer and we ended up sleeping in the same bed, but no sex as I had my period. I was fully dressed, even wearing tights, when I woke up with someone touching me up and down the insîde of my leg and crotch. I thought it was the guy I was with and thought it was nice, and then I froze as I realised it wasn't him as he was far across the bed from me fast asleep. The person left, I tried to go back to sleep, then they came back and did it again twice more! On the third time I shouted and tried to grab them. Unfortunately they ran out of the room and by the time I got out of bed and looked around, I couldn't see who it might have been. In the morning, I told my bed partner & best friend but they didn't really believe me. I don't know for certain who it was, but I have an idea.

Anyway, your friend, no matter their fragile state, this is completely unacceptable behaviour. I would message him back saying it was a nice evening right up to when you assaulted me. Then it wasn't. See what he says to that.

Be very careful of anything you did in writing. I'd say something like, "No, I won't be seeing you again. Last night you molested me while I was sleeping. You are not my friend now."

That's sexual assault. He would no longer be my friend and I'd be telling him why. Being ’fragile’ is not an excuse to molest someone.

"F'off, vipers"??

Flump, all the info was there which, if read correctly, demonstrated clearly there was no chance of blurred lines or a misunderstanding. This is a serious situation but questions like yours will add to the OPs already present paranoia that somehow she could have been at fault.

This is assault. Sexual assault. Flat out.
You need to report this and you need to cut ties.

His bad experiences are no fucking excuse.

I'm going to PM you OP x

Freezing is a totally normal, really common bodily response. It just happens, it is not your fault and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Whatever you choose to do or not do next OP, none of this was your fault.

At least reply to him saying no, you won't be attending the event or socialising with him in future because you are still considering whether to report him to the police for sexual assault the other night.

Frankly the fact that you're a lesbian (did I interpret that correctly?) and he knew it, should make a stronger case to support your non-consent.

If he had genuinely misinterpreted your intentions (a stretch of the imagination if you're a lesbian and he's a man) then any normal man would have left the room as soon as he realised you were asleep.

YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANY OF THIS.

Unfortunately this just shows that no woman is truly safe sleeping in the same building as a man, unless there is a locked door between the two of them.

I would at least consider contacting the police and asking them what the procedure is for reporting a sexual assault and the likelihood of it resulting in a prosecution. Personally I would be more reluctant to report it if I thought it would end up in court. For me it would be more bearable to make a statement and be told that they won't take it further.

Sorry It's taken me so long to respond.

butchy (LOVE your username!) and everyone who's replied since I was last online thank you Thank you.

Haribo I think she was worried my Dad would feel he had to do something about it, and he's old now)!

wine I don't know, I don't think so but maybe? Who knows.

I do think the fact it was in my home has shaken me up more to be honest.
Ive not replied to his texts.

I have to see him at work soon, not sure when but a meeting both of us are in that's being organised. I dont know what that will be like.

Plexie yes I am a lesbian. I think to a lot of men, lesbian relationships aren't seen as real or important and they never beleive a woman (especially a feminine looking one) is truly gay.
But yes if I do report it I guess that will be helpful.

I hope you're right about 'any normal man wouldnt do this' because hearing other people's experiences, it happens a lot.
And I agree about the unsafe thing.It's sad.

My partner has moved out (one reason things are shitty, she hates the town we've moved to last year but her work is flexible (from home) and mine isn't. I've only told her what happened tonight. I feel I really need her here to be honest.

Sorry to everyone who this sort of thing has also happened to.xx

Hope you're ok Noodge. Glad you've told your partner and hope she can be with you soon.

I was scared she'd think I was to blame which is stupid really. Shes very butch and although not a man hater at all, she is more wary than me I think, and if I ever am friends with men she assumes it's because they're after more. She did tell me to never trust a man in my home ever, and was just very angry with him. But she let me talk and was sympathetic. I am ok though, but I suppose I am feeling pretty down about being alone in a town and house we moved to together and this has made it worse. Especially as he is one of the few people I know around here. But that's another thread!