Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do your children have the same father?

54 replies

silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 13:15

Was asked this question yesterday when filling in a medical questionnaire over the phone for an unrelated gynaecological condition (marital status, number of pregnancies, number of live deliveries, number of children, boom - do they have the same father?).

It reminded me that I was asked this exact question a couple of times before in different contexts (mainly medical and various bureaucratic procedures, e.g. developmental checks for the children).

I have two children, they are 12 months apart. They both have my ex's surname, and they are both his biological children. I feel the question is a bit weird and bordering on intrusive, as if I am being screened for promiscuity.

I wonder what is the value added by the answer? Or is it some sort of data / stats gathering just for the sake of it? Or am I the only one who gets asked that?

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:17

Well if it’s in a medical/genetic situation I think it’s a reasonable question.

DS1 belongs (biologically, in no other sense) to XH. DD and DS2 belong to DP.

Biologically they have different genetic make up because the eldest has a different biological father.

If a random in the street asked, they’d be told to fuck off and not be so nosy.

But medically I’d say it’s a reasonable question asked without judgement.

JLG19 · 15/09/2018 13:21

I think having children by multiple partners increases a woman's risk of certain disorders/illnesses.

Original poster

silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 13:22

Well if it’s in a medical/genetic situation I think it’s a reasonable question
It is medical, but a case of a persistent yeast infection (mine) rather than anything to do with genetics.

In the context of development assessment (regular, no concerns noted), I was asked about other siblings at home and whether they have the same father. How could this be relevant at all?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:24

In the context of development assessment (regular, no concerns noted), I was asked about other siblings at home and whether they have the same father. How could this be relevant at all?

I don’t know is the answer. Trying to get an idea of the makeup of your household?

D2018 · 15/09/2018 13:27

It will be to determine the genetics involved in each child, especially if its in realtion to child development.I dont think a medical professional would be gathering any kind of data on how many fathers there are per family but I'm guessing how many sexual partners may also be relevant to a gynaecologist?

fixingabrokenhesrt · 15/09/2018 13:28

@YeTalkShiteHen because some genetic conditions are linked to a certain parent (ie some are passed on from mother and some father some both) so if one child had a condition linked to their father then the other most likely won't have it. So in the contex of a development check it can be very relevant

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:31

fixingabrokenhesrt that makes sense, I wouldn’t be offended by it, equally I wouldn’t have known the reason either.

BigfluffybearBum · 15/09/2018 13:32

my 13 year old is mine with unknown father. The baby I'm pregnant with is DP. I wouldn't feel comfortable with these questions unless for medical necessity

MaudebeGonne · 15/09/2018 13:35

It is part of building a safeguarding picture - they want to know if your children have half siblings, and are they known to Social Services. There have been lots of vulnerable families where Dad's details aren't known at all, and if something awful happens he can just skip off.

It does seem intrusive but as you can't tell which families are chaotic just by looking at people, they need to ask everyone.

POAlockdown · 15/09/2018 13:38

At least we know that you think women who have children with more than one Father are promiscuous

wurzelburga · 15/09/2018 13:39

Just ask them why they want that information.

MiddlingMum · 15/09/2018 13:39

I've never been asked that, but as I have identical twins I think the answer would be obvious.

Cleanermaidcook · 15/09/2018 13:40

I wouldn't have a problem with this question in the circumstances, they'll have a reason and I really don't think it will be to judge a woman's promiscuity.
I have 3 children by 2 different men it's not something I'm either ashamed or proud of its just a fact so sharing it with a medical professional wouldn't bother me.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:40

At least we know that you think women who have children with more than one Father are promiscuous

I thought that too.

JungWan · 15/09/2018 13:41

I wouldn't care if it was a survey but I've been asked in a corner shop!!

I said ''yes, yes they do. Do yours?'' she had the audacity to be offended!

Maybe83 · 15/09/2018 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 13:48

Why is there still shame associated with having children by different men?

I’m not promiscuous, I’m not defined by who I have sex with, I’m not less of a Mum or less of a woman.

And yet still, in 2018, we still have sneering and snotty comments about having children by more than one father.

Says more about the person doing the judging I reckon.

Original poster

silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 13:48

I am not offended, this is not the right word. Curious, maybe, as in my particular case I am struggling to see the logic. Surely, if the doctor is interested in the number of my sexual partners, it would make sense to ask that directly and not imply through the number of pregnancies by different fathers I had - isn't it 21st century after all? My children also had no developmental concerns, and I doubt that the NHS will research genetical background of perfectly healthy children - especially as the father(s) details were not even asked for.

In all seriousness, I am thinking of having a third child via the donor route, and just wonder what would happen if my answer was "the first two were fathered by one father, the third is by an anonymous donor from a sperm bank".

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 15/09/2018 13:51

Next ask why? A midwife once asked me that. Fair enough re rhesus issues but explain why and if it's an essential question invite me to a clinic rather than mudwife inviting herself to my home. It was not aporopriate to ask me that when a guest in my home. From that day the "chummy" relationships with nurses ended from my perspective.

Original poster

silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 13:51

At least we know that you think women who have children with more than one Father are promiscuous
It is not what I think, it is what I felt like, given the usual prejudices etc.

OP posts:

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/09/2018 13:52

I’m a 3x3.

I don’t hide it or get offended when people ask, it’s not a value judgement.

BettyCrook · 15/09/2018 13:53

i dont understand why you would want a sperm donor after having 2 children?!
why?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/09/2018 13:55

That’s a weird comment. Why ever not?

Original poster

silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 13:56

i dont understand why you would want a sperm donor after having 2 children?!
why?
Just want more children, but don't really want any more men.

OP posts:

BigfluffybearBum · 15/09/2018 13:57

My mother had 4 children by 3 men. She doesn't care why should she?

Flip

1 2 3