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Original poster

Do your children have the same father?

54 replies

silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 13:15

Was asked this question yesterday when filling in a medical questionnaire over the phone for an unrelated gynaecological condition (marital status, number of pregnancies, number of live deliveries, number of children, boom - do they have the same father?).

It reminded me that I was asked this exact question a couple of times before in different contexts (mainly medical and various bureaucratic procedures, e.g. developmental checks for the children).

I have two children, they are 12 months apart. They both have my ex's surname, and they are both his biological children. I feel the question is a bit weird and bordering on intrusive, as if I am being screened for promiscuity.

I wonder what is the value added by the answer? Or is it some sort of data / stats gathering just for the sake of it? Or am I the only one who gets asked that?

OP posts:
gabsdot · 15/09/2018 14:02

My children have different fathers and different mothers too.
They're adopted.

Probably missing the point.....

RomanyRoots · 15/09/2018 14:07

I'm adopted and love that I can answer so many of these questions about my kids, because when it comes to my questions I just have to say I don't know Sad So answering how many fathers my children have (1) really doesn't bother me.
I think the more details that are collected that impact health, the better.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:11

Aye I’m adopted and have always said “I don’t know” truthfully about my own genetic makeup. It’s apparent that autism is part of it, because of me and the kids, but any further back generations of biologically related people I have no idea.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MadMum101 · 15/09/2018 14:12

I've been asked this many times due to the age range of my 4. Some people find it hard to believe married couples continue to have sex past the early years it seems Hmm.

As an aside, I don't think people really judge women with DC from multiple fathers due to promiscuity these days? It's more the impact on DC growing up under the same roof, some going off with their Dad and being provided for, some not, some having involved extended paternal families, some not. I grew up in that environment and its shit for self esteem.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:12

As an aside, I don't think people really judge women with DC from multiple fathers due to promiscuity these days?

I wish that were true.

Racecardriver · 15/09/2018 14:17

I have never been asked this (2 children 2 years apart). My children actually look quite different so in our case it would be reasonable to expect that they had different fathers (although they are both a bit dark of colouring so maybe the predominantly white British people in my area can't look beyond that?). I have had the HV ask who was living in the house and have had forms asking who has parental responsibility but never vhave you only procreated with one man?'

Racecardriver · 15/09/2018 14:19

, @madmum of course they do. Not as harshly as they once may have but if a woman has a succession of short relationships some of which produce children many people get very judgy very quickly.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:21

Racecardriver I have 3 kids, by two partners.

1 being XH, I left because of abuse.

4 years later I met DP, and went on to have DD and DS2.

No relationships or sexual partners in the intervening 4 years (not that that would have been wrong!) but I’m still judged for having kids with different men.

Original poster
silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 14:22

As an aside, I don't think people really judge women with DC from multiple fathers due to promiscuity these days?
I am probably too sensitive about the topic. The amount of prejudice and stereotyping towards single mothers was a very unpleasant discovery once I became one, I guess I must be overreacting to minor issues now.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 14:22

Sorry, I tell a lie, I had one ONS in the 4 years!

Yogafailure · 15/09/2018 14:24

DC3 is 7 and 9 years younger than DC 1&2 so I often get asked if they all have the same father yes they do

AamdC · 15/09/2018 14:28

Regarding the development of other siblings and wether they have the same day could be because some developmental disorders. Could have been inherited from a parent. My sons rare chromosome disorder wasent inherited but often they are .

AamdC · 15/09/2018 14:28

Same dad*

PenApple · 15/09/2018 14:30

I’ve actually been waiting for someone to ask me this question as mine are 11, 9 & 1. I’ve been asked about 30 times if youngest was planned Hmm but the only time I’ve been asked if they have same father was at my booking appointment by midwife.

However in almost every medical appointment for myself, and my children. I get asked who all lives at home. My daughter was asked this when in hospital coughing up blood.

AamdC · 15/09/2018 14:35

I got asked the same when my son was admitted with constipation Pen , but tbh some questions are irelevant " when i was a nurse one of the standard questions was do you practice any religion are you muslim,C of E etc often this would be completley irelevant to their admisdion

PenApple · 15/09/2018 14:45

That’s true AamdC - also on the form seemed to be “do you enjoy school”. Fair enough for someone who could possibly be exaggerating their symptoms, but very irrelevant when there an obvious extreme physical symptom.

Original poster
silvercuckoo · 15/09/2018 14:46

do you practice any religion are you muslim,C of E etc

Well THAT would alarm me. Grin "What is your preference for the last rites?" would probably be more straightforward.

OP posts:
MakeYourOwnFuckingTea · 15/09/2018 16:16

No idea if this is relevant but when ds was rushed into hospital at 3 weeks old for surgery I was asked if me and dh were married at his conception. I said no. As a consequence dh wasn't allowed to be with him before they took him to theatre. I was devastated. I asked what would have happened if he had been the one to bring him to A&E? I didn't get an answer.

AppleKatie · 15/09/2018 16:34

At his conception??? That’s outrageous I hope you made a complaint to PALs?

Surely does he have PR/is he on the birth certificate is a more sensible and relevant question? Although I have to say the mother and 1 other supportive adult of her choice seems sensible whoever has PR.

Babyiwantabump · 15/09/2018 16:39

Midwives would need to know because if it is your first pregnancy with a new partner you are higher risk for certain conditions such as preeclampsia. You may not have got it in a first pregnancy but a different father changes the risk .

MakeYourOwnFuckingTea · 15/09/2018 16:47

I was upset and spoke to the doctor but he didn't seem bothered. It was like he found it strange and why do I care about that when my baby is getting expert care. It was 14 years ago. No way would I stand for it now but he was my first born and I was young and scared. When we arrived at the hospital (transferred via blue lights ambulance) the doctor and nurse spent time trading insults with each other (him calling her fat her calling him bald and ugly) and I found it horrendous. I think it was banter and they thought it might lift the mood but it was so uncomfortable. They were trying to put drip in ds arm and kept failing, he was howling in pain, I'm crying because my baby is crying and I can't do anything except watch and they were trading insults back and forth. It felt surreal.

MakeYourOwnFuckingTea · 15/09/2018 16:48

Baby I wasn't pregnant. Ds was 3 weeks old.

MakeYourOwnFuckingTea · 15/09/2018 16:48

Also no midwife just doctors and nurses.

Rachey · 15/09/2018 16:51

3 children. Same father. My husband.

SpottingTheZebras · 15/09/2018 17:00

No idea if this is relevant but when ds was rushed into hospital at 3 weeks old for surgery I was asked if me and dh were married at his conception. I said no. As a consequence dh wasn't allowed to be with him before they took him to theatre. I was devastated. I asked what would have happened if he had been the one to bring him to A&E? I didn't get an answer.

Surely legally it comes down to your marital status at birth, not conception, and parental responsibility.