Has anyone put a career on hold for their family? Was it the right move?

[MelvinThePenguin]

I've reached a critical point where I need to make a big decision, or at the very least a big change.

I have a 3 year old DD (school 2019) and a 1 year old DD (school 2021). I work 3 days a week and DDs attend nursery on those days and are extremely happy there. DH works full time Monday to Friday, 8-6 on average and despite having significant work responsibilities, is very 'present' when at home. He does the picking up and dropping off as I commute further.

I've been back at work for 3 months after 14 months off with DD2. The culture has changed and the pressure is immense. I'm working at home in the evenings and picking things up on my "days off" out of necessity. I just wouldn't keep up if I didn't. It's a capacity vs expectation issue and only lip service is paid to my out of work responsibilities. Everybody, including my full time colleagues, are feeling the same way. However, I love my job and my colleagues. I can't really explain it, other than to say that we're not-for-profit and I'm extremely proud to work for my organisation.

I have been actively looking for other jobs since about half way through my maternity leave, but in my role flexibility is extremely rare.

I'm in an extremely fortunate position. I can afford to give up work. It would mean making sacrifices, but It's absolutely do-able. I'd also need to take my youngest out of nursery, which she would miss. The eldest would get 15 hours free but would have to change preschool.

I just cannot be everything that everybody needs from me right now. I'm constantly on edge, shattered, irritable. I don't do anything other than work, clean, cook and entertain/ mediate between my children- there just isn't time.

I've worked so hard to get to where I have. A really tough degree, a Masters alongside full time work, over 10 years of working my way up. My identity is so tied up with what I "do". I'm not sure that my sanity could deal with not working.

It feels like such a catch 22. Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do? Did it work out?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions. I'm too close to see this clearly.

I left teaching after 5 years to join dh abroad, as he had got another foreign posting, and it wasn't gong to do our marriage or family life any good being apart for 6 years.

I was very reluctant to leave job, home, family and pull ds out of a very good prep school, but I have never really regretted it. I am far more chilled about things; my mental health improved so much, and whilst there are times when I'm bored, as I'm still abroad 13 years on, there's always a book to read, or MN.

It took 18 months for me to stop waking up at 0530 in a muck sweat thinking 'shit, I haven't done my lesson planning', but both dh and ds said I would have had a heart attack at 45 if I'd stayed. I was teaching F/T, plus after schools, plus all the normal marking etc, so a 60 hour week wasn't unusual. I did the school run both ways. Dh got home perhaps once every 6 weeks for a weekend, or we travelled to see him. I was also dealing with all the domestic crap that goes with a house etc.

We are moving back to the UK next year, and I will be job hunting. I don't want the stress of teaching again (and I have been out of the classroom for 13 years, although I was a team leader for an exam board at GCSE until this year), so have kept my hand in as it were.

The thing I have learned is that work isn't the be all and end all, and I want to have a hinterland. Dh works with some people who are so wrapped up in work that they just don't stop. They are the ones who will die of a heart attack when they retire as they have nothing else in their lives. You only have one life, so take some time out to smell the roses and the coffee. I've learned to be and not just to do, and I am much better for it.

You are in the most difficult period.
You have worked so hard to get where you are, and enjoy the job and like your colleagues. You also work 0.6, which is a wonderful balance.
I think you'd really regret giving it all up now.
Think about how difficult it is after a 14month break - how do you think you'd cope after a 6 yr? 10yr ? break ?

Have a look at what you can outsource - a cleaner seems the obvious one, maybe 2x a week and get her to change the beds / iron / wash up / whatever in the 'extra' time.
Accept you might have a couple of years where you are prepared to change you food menu for a bit to simpler / quicker things.

Shop on-line
Maybe even consider getting a 'mothers '(do childcare students still have to do this as a placement?) for 3 hours a week to really blitz the paperwork or something else that is tricky to do when they are with you, then really enjoy the other 3.5 days.
You little one is only 1. Life gets easier when they get a bit older.

I left my career as soon as ds1 was born 27 years ago and haven't regretted it for a moment.
I was a HR tax payer in my early twenties, but to me being a sahm was worth more than any career or money.
We are all different though, and it's great if you can choose.

I took a career break. Pissed off that I have not been able to match my pre-SAHM day’s. Now getting divorced so not benefitting from the security of marriage but don’t regret being there for dcs when they needed me to be. I did go into it with a realistic idea of the consequences. It is a hard decision. Some can manage the juggle. I just became emotionally fraught.

Thanks all. Some useful things to think about. I think outsourcing is the next step. I'd thought about a cleaner but not a mother's help. I think my DM had one of those when I was a similar age to my children.

Romany, my financial position is the same. I know that time with my children is vital, but even my 3 days a week will get them through uni with a deposit on a house left over each. We (DH and I split our salaries down the middle) literally put all of my earnings aside for them and I've been trying really hard to strike a balance.

My career was totally sacrificed for my family.

I don't know what to tell you?

I am happy and fulfilled, and have loved being a mum, and still earn enough to live on, albeit around half what I could have been earning.

I quit to follow DH abroad, just as DS2 started school. (And I'd disagree with you being at the hardest stage, young ones are tough physically, but the mental juggling that happened once school kicked in was brutal. It's all hard, just in different ways).

It has totally been the right thing for DH and the kids. It has totally been the right thing for us as a family. It has been the wrong thing for me as an individual.

Yes, same here. I totally stopped working for 12 years. if I hadn’t I think I would be on double what I am now.
But I really loved my time at home. It was amazing for my mental and physical health. I did lots of fulfilling things. I only went back because of the pension tbh, and hate the frazzled, juggling nature of life where there’s never quite enough time to do anything really well.

Melvin

We can't afford to put money away for uni or houses, they'll have to wait until we pop our clogs
our approach is for them to stand on their own two feet when the cb and tc's stop. Of course we'll help out where we can, but it won't be a huge sum.
It's only my opinion though, I don't think I'm right, just the way we decided to live.

Your 1 year old wouldn't miss nursery at all.

I had to give up work because my role couldn't be done part time. I don't regret the time I spent with DD but it has had a significant impact on my mental health.

I wouldn't personally give up the career, but others would do it and it would be the right thing for them. For me I need the identity and pride of my career and having worked hard to get to where you are, you need to be aware that if you give it up there's no going back. You will never be in that same position again.

We also save for our children's future but saving your entire salary seems quite extreme. Paying them through uni in the UK is totally against all financial advice as if they don't go on to earn enough you would have paid money that they would never have had to pay back as loans. A bit off topic, sorry!

It’s incredibly hard and personal decision. I think it sounds like the next step for you could be to throw everything at it support wise even if it costs a bit. I found a mother’s help the best solution when we were in this position. Batch cooking, unloading online shopping, general tidying, occasional bits of childcare, washing and putting away clothes,
Sorting toys etc etc. Ultimately I massively decreased my hours to support our family, not a decision that’s available for everyone.
I still haven’t found 100% peace with the fact that I’ve compromised my career for my family in a way my DH hasn’t. I have found peace with the fact this was the most practical solution though.

Yep. 5 years out to stay at home while the dc were little. I worked in the prison service and the state of it now, I’m not exactly optimistic that I’ll return. I have 2 years until littlest Ds goes to school.

I grieved for my career and my identity at first, but now I love being at home. When he gets free nursery next year I’m going to retrain or volunteer to get back into ‘work mode’ but my previous career is pretty much over and my qualifications outdated. I will also be looking for family friendly hours, which pretty much means while I may earn some money, I doubt I’ll have a ‘career’ in a traditional sense for several years yet.

I don’t regret it at the moment, but maybe when my children are older I might wish I had focussed on my career or used my qualifications more.

Is your husband considering his hours? This should be a team issue, not all on you to make the sacrifices. I work four days but it only works for us because DH does the same and we are not resentful of each other as we're both taking the same hit to progression, pensions etc (which is smaller than when you go to three days anyway). I guess I get a bit fed up of seeing women grapple with this dilemma and men carrying on untouched.

I'm just about to take a career break from teaching for similar reasons to you. One DS who is 1.5 years and due a second boy next month. I couldn't balance it all with one so know I won't cope with to. DH works long hours and is studying parttime so we knew one of us had to make a sacrifice. He would have left work and continued his studied but he earns three times more than me. I know it will be a break and I will go back to work because I enjoy it and worked hard to get where I am but at the moment my family need me at home.

My priorities have definitely changed since having my first dc four years ago. I am still progressing in my career although slower and I don't actually want to take the next step at the moment because it would mean longer hours and probably another relocation. You say you work a lot out of your contracted hours. I found it took me around a year after I went back to not feel completely overwhelmed, but god eventually learn to only work while at work and much more efficiently. Also, can you manage expectations more? Your employer's and your own. Generally learning to accept I couldn't do everything and to give less of a shit about work while not there was essential for me to maintain my sanity!

I've just returned after a three and a bit year career break. Best decision I ever made and am now happy to be back to work- was fortunate to be able to negotiate really flexible hours and more money than pre-career break.

Hi

I am probably the other side of this! Completely respect SAHPs btw so this is nothing against that decision.

I have two DC similar age to yours 3.5y and 16m. I work four days per week compressed hours and have spent lots of my ‘spare’ time studying including MBA.

I am in a corporate role and have found the last six months (post 2nd ML) really hard work! I feel like I’m battling on but I won’t let it beat me!

Reasons I see to continue;

The long run- I think it will pay off longer term to keep my professional level and reputation.

Salary - I earn same as DH. This is important to me as we have always been a 50/50 couple! He does one day a week childcare on his own too. Also have two salaries spreads the risk of any issues that we can’t control (illness etc). We get to do lots of things we enjoy doing that on one wage would be cut back.

Sense of self - I get a lot more from work than money.

I know things will ease off when my smallest sleeps better and is easier in the day!

Role model - I like having a 50/50 set up and for my DC to see that.

It’s not easy and I feel like I am really battling at times! We do have a cleaner and we do lots of chores in the evening as well.

It’s not an easy decision - would it make things better work wise to increase to four days per week as I find that a good balance as my role would be full time regardless of how many hours they pay me for!

:)

I really appreciate all your responses, thank you.

Rainy, my DH would drop a day in a heartbeat. He's even had it approved in principle. I've resisted it because it would be a massive financial hit. He earns twice my salary, largely because we work in very different sectors. He also has an incredibly flexible working arrangement and considering his salary, he has unbelievably reasonable working hours. He often gets the girls up and ready after I've left for work and puts them to bed before I get in on days when I just can't get away from the office on time. He is brilliant and the issue here is definitely not him!

DH doesn't want me to give up work because he thinks I'd go mad. He's probably right. He's totally on board with a cleaner, so that's our next move.

I guess my desire to save for the girls is because my parents paid my way through uni. I still had a student loan, but saved it and used it as part of the deposit on our first property. That was paid off much quicker than I'd have paid the interest on a bigger mortgage and played a big part in the financial security we now have as a family. It's not totally selfless, nor terribly extreme though. It sits in an offset account and saves us a lot on mortgage payments.

Can I just gently say you've been off 14 months and only back for three. As such you're still adjusting and you're adjusting to working part time, and possibly not adjusting well. You're still trying to do it all and not manage expectations.

I think I would give it some time. Focus on what can be done in the hours provided, speak to management and set expectations, prioritise.

A lot of people do this, go part time, and then try to do five days work in three. Thinking that's what's expected of them, when it's more that they are accepting thr work and think they need to perform at their previous level.

You need to find your balance and adjust. Right now you're not there yet. You need to learn discipline. You need to understand what working part time means, from not working in the evening or days off to not answering requests. If you stop doing it, peoole will stop asking, they will adjust too. Say no when you're at your capacity, tell people when things will be done, be it tomorrow or next week.

So don't give up, but do try to adjust what your own perceptions are over your own role. Because right now you're acting like you're still full time, and everyone thinks you are, because that's how you're acting.

I'm not new to part time working. I worked 3 days a week very successfully for more than a year before DD2 came along. This is a marked change in culture and environment and it is not me "not adjusting well".

I am "management". I am also not so daft that I've not tried to find efficiencies or push back. I just don't think my arrangements are working at a fundamental, cultural level any longer. I wouldn't be the first to walk away having reached that conclusion.

Whoa,

Ok.

Quit.

I know. It sounds so simple on paper and I'd say the same. It's just such a special organisation and I feel such a sense of purpose being a part of it. I know that sounds so odd given how stressful a place it is to work right now!

I've just left my job last month for similar reasons to you- culture change, juggling 3 kids, working part time, doing my share of the housework etc. My job was evenings and weekdays and with childcare costs and travel I essentially contributed nothing financially to the household by working (we share everything equally- finances, household tasks, childcare when we're both around) but me working was adding a burden that we didn't need. When I finished on my last day it was like a weight had been lifted. And now I am working out what life looks like for me and for us as a family now I am 'at home'. Our finances and household task split will stay the same, I am very much home to look after the children rather than to take over all the domestic tasks. Currently everyone is much calmer including my children! I think you know deep down if you want to stay or leave your job, I knew before I went back after this last maternity leave but didnt want to admit it as so much of my identity was wrapped up in my professional life.

No woman should ever risk her financial security by quitting work in my view. You've got a 40 percent probability of divorce, or your husband could get ill and be unable to work or worse.

It's never worth the substantial risk. Plus the loss of sense of self through not working etc.