Has anyone put a career on hold for their family? Was it the right move?

[MelvinThePenguin]

I've reached a critical point where I need to make a big decision, or at the very least a big change.

I have a 3 year old DD (school 2019) and a 1 year old DD (school 2021). I work 3 days a week and DDs attend nursery on those days and are extremely happy there. DH works full time Monday to Friday, 8-6 on average and despite having significant work responsibilities, is very 'present' when at home. He does the picking up and dropping off as I commute further.

I've been back at work for 3 months after 14 months off with DD2. The culture has changed and the pressure is immense. I'm working at home in the evenings and picking things up on my "days off" out of necessity. I just wouldn't keep up if I didn't. It's a capacity vs expectation issue and only lip service is paid to my out of work responsibilities. Everybody, including my full time colleagues, are feeling the same way. However, I love my job and my colleagues. I can't really explain it, other than to say that we're not-for-profit and I'm extremely proud to work for my organisation.

I have been actively looking for other jobs since about half way through my maternity leave, but in my role flexibility is extremely rare.

I'm in an extremely fortunate position. I can afford to give up work. It would mean making sacrifices, but It's absolutely do-able. I'd also need to take my youngest out of nursery, which she would miss. The eldest would get 15 hours free but would have to change preschool.

I just cannot be everything that everybody needs from me right now. I'm constantly on edge, shattered, irritable. I don't do anything other than work, clean, cook and entertain/ mediate between my children- there just isn't time.

I've worked so hard to get to where I have. A really tough degree, a Masters alongside full time work, over 10 years of working my way up. My identity is so tied up with what I "do". I'm not sure that my sanity could deal with not working.

It feels like such a catch 22. Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do? Did it work out?

Thanks in advance for any suggestions. I'm too close to see this clearly.

I’ve battled on during a really bad work situation when my ds was very little. I was doing 0.8 hours, but working evenings to 11pm, I felt trapped in a nightmare. The company was vile and treated me terribly. I ended up finding another job to move to, but in hindersight I should have left and taken time out.

Although it feels flexible employers are few and far between, they are there. I’d be tempted to step away from the workplace while your children are little and take some time to plan the next stage of your life. Not working now doesn’t mean not working forever.

Personally I wouldn’t want to step away from working forever, as I see the benefits of two salaries, paying toward my retirement and more financial security, but you have time to mull that over. Your aggressive saving strategy for your kids is noble but can be paused in the short term. Personally I’m not sure I’d want to give that much ‘help’ to my children, it’s also important they learn to work for things and stand on their own two feet.

I don't think you want to stop work but I think you do need a different job. I get that that isn't easy but just now you're seeing things as work here or not work, black and white abd it's not.

You would massively regret giving up your career. I can hear it in your posts. You wouldn't regret giving up this job. That's a different thing.

I agree with RJ . Get another job as its that that killing you..the demands there. . You have lots of experience. But maybe go for something less demanding.
Also you are too focused on finances l think. Let your dh drop down to 4 days while you work 3. Your baby is one year old and you are planning on their need for a house in 25 years time. Deal with today. Your children are only young for a short time. They would benefit from dh being home an extra day and so would you. Take some joy from NOW as well as being a bit mindful for the future.
I gave up my job as a teacher when dc were little. I loved my job. In lreland so was not as stressful as UK for teachers at that time so l could have managed but as a family we choose that route. My dh had a highly demanding job with good salary.
Later l went back to teaching. My dh dropped down to part time as his job stress was taking a toll on his health.
We did what suited our family AT THAT TIME...
We have managed to pay our 3 dcs through college mostly 3 there at the same time. It was tough but manageable.
I have my pension from teaching for my retirement in the future as l paid back the absent years.
Our dc wont have houses waiting but may have help with deposits if we save from here on in.
My main advice is deal with now without being reckless. Have confidence your children will buy their own houses. But you your dh and your dc need to get the best from their childhood.

OP I suspect I will be in your shoes once I return to work after mat leave with dc2. I am slowly reaching the conclusion that it's not only feasible but probably best if I give up my job for a few years. Much as I (usually) like my job well enough and my colleagues are great, the thought of juggling everything around childcare seems like a life of unnecessary stress.

Outside of mumsnet, where the majority opinion is usually to keep hold of a decent job wherever you can, my friends basically tell me 'you're mad to work if you don't have to' which is simplistic but ultimately true! My wages would essentially be going towards paying the mortgage off a bit earlier, but that time is better spent now while the babies are so small...

We’re all set up with life insurance/ critical illness cover and some pretty robust arrangements around 50/50 split in the event of divorce (as robust as can be in the UK anyway). Plus, most of the money is in my name because I’m the one who can be bothered to move it around to our best advantage! This really does come down to what I want.

For now we’re going to get a cleaner (more expensive than I thought, but hopefully totally worth it). I’m also committing to leave both my smartphone and laptop at work for my non-working days. It might mean a later night in the office on my third day each week, but I think that’s more efficient and healthier than starting up again once the girls are in bed.

I went back to bed after breakfast this morning, thanks to DH. That and all the advice and insight on here has helped me get things in perspective.

Thanks so much. Fingers crossed things will get better and I won’t have to sacrifice too much of myself.

Looking at it from the outside, I see friends of mine who haven't worked for 10+ years really struggling with what to do now that the children are at school. I am very pleased that I kept working, I've another 20 odd years of work ahead of me and am so please that I'm not starting from the bottom. I've kept my financial independace and show my girls that everything is 50/50 in this house. We have a cleaner, and am considering a gardener!