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Original poster

Please help, 10yo DD so unhappy at school

47 replies

MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:03

DD (10) has never enjoyed school. She has never been popular and has had a lot of trouble fitting in with the other girls in her year and now that they're older, the boys don't want to play with her either.

Every day I drop my youngest DD at the nursery and have to see my eldest DD on the playground completely alone, staring at the floor and it is absolutely breaking my heart Sad.

Over the years I have had loads of play dates etc but no one ever reciprocated so that didn't help. In fact lots of the little girls we had over for birthdays, playdates etc are pretty unpleasant to her now.

She is also a very anxious, highly strung child and has started developing trichotillomania (she pulls her hair out when anxious, mainly her eyebrows) since last year which we're currently in the process of getting her help for. I know this isn't all the fault of the other children, she can be emotional and introverted and finds it hard to navigate friendships generally, and would spend 24 hours a day coding on her PC if she could.

I am strongly considering pulling her out of school for her last year with the view of trying her in High school next September and doing my best to home educate. DH thinks this is extreme as she is not being bullied or mistreated and is very against her missing the SAT's (which are going to traumatise her in her current state).

I'm just really in need of some advice. She's so unhappy and I just want to fix it but don't know what to do for the best.

Thank you in advance Flowers.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 12/09/2018 16:11

This sounds heartbreaking......

Just a few thoughts:

Has she ever been assessed for autism or similar? Does she have diagnosis of anxiety? This could be a symptom of something else such as autism.

If girls are being unpleasant to her I would personally call that bullying.

What do her school think?

Personally I think the child being happy is way more important than SATs. SATs are important to schools but not individual children.

Are school supportive? If not maybe a different school?

ThomasShelbysBunnet · 12/09/2018 16:16

Talk to the head. The teacher should be working some way to help with friendships, and health classes geared towards leaving people out. If she is very anxious, please don't take her out of school with a view to putting her back into mainstream at the start of high school, it's hard enough when children have established friendship groups.
I'd speak to the school first, with a view of moving schools and settling in with a view to the high school you want her to go to.

I've been through this recently with a similarly aged child, I feel for you OP, it's heartbreaking.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:18

Thanks for the reply. Feeling a little hysterical atm.

The girls aren't really bullying her, just excluding her, making her feel unwelcome etc.

I spoke to the school last year about feeling that she was unhappy and lonely and they suggested a specific friend for her that now ignores her completely which has given her this new fear of being rejected.

I've never had her assessed for autism but have been to the GP about her anxiety and have even suggested private therapy but she refuses. She says the only thing that makes her unhappy in life is being at school and being around all the other children makes her worried and sad. She much prefers the company of adults.

I don't think she is autistic (my brother is, however so it isn't foreign to me) but maybe I should raise this with the GP.

There are no other schools in the area I could physically get her to and as it's the last year I think it would be very hard on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:21

She has no real friends to go to High School with anyway Thomas Sad
and they tend to all get really separated due to the area we live in.

OP posts:
dramaattheschoolgate · 12/09/2018 16:23

girls present very differently to boys, so I wouldn't rule it out.

I would go back to the school and ask them to structure some support for her. It might be as simple as creating a small board games group, 3 children allowed to stay in the library and play games.
Many schools run groups to help build friendships.

Don;t worry about SATS they are meaningless, for the school only, do not make any difference to the child,

helpmum2003 · 12/09/2018 16:24

OP I'm sorry you have received such poor support from school and GP.

Speak to school again - the behaviour is bullying. If school can't sort it and you feel there are no other schools available then consider home schooling if you can. The best state in which to settle at High School is a positive confident one. She could stay out of school for longer if you can manage it.

If your DD is pulling her hair out she needs an urgent medical assessment.

Maybe you need to be more pushy? I'm not criticising you but sometimes you need to be pushy to make progress...

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:28

With the regards to hair pulling I think we were all hoping she would grow out of it and over the summer her eyebrows completely grew back and she had stopped pulling completely but since school went back she has been picking again and we now know it's time to get a bit more serious about it.
I had an anxiety disorder so the last time I tried to speak to the GP he basically told me it was my fault for being anxious around her Sad. Even though I don't display it around my children and it is well managed with medication, etc.
A huge part of me is desperate to say "you don't have to do this anymore" and try my best to home educate but I know I will be met by a lot of resistance from DH and her school.
I have two other DC's who love the school and couldn't be happier, have good little friends etc.
I'm just so sad for her.

OP posts:
BigGlasses · 12/09/2018 16:28

My dd (10) is in a very similar position. Doesn’t have many/any friends at school and often spends break and lunch alone. It breaks my heart. She is a real bookworm and I think even reading about friendships in books compounds in her head how “unusual” she is and makes her even feel even worse about now having a BFF or gang of friends. I really don’t know how to help and support her and am just desperately hoping that at secondary she will find her tribe.

BigGlasses · 12/09/2018 16:30
  • not having friend is what I meant to say above
PurpleShepNeedsToGoToBed · 12/09/2018 16:30

I home ed due to my dc anxiety. Best decision I ever made.

Why not look into it a little more?

sashh · 12/09/2018 16:31

Wow she sounds like me, I never liked children even when I was one.

If you are able to I would pull her out. Yr 6 tends to be prep or SATs and then as soon as they are over giving children a break.

You only have one childhood, you might as well make it happier for her.

LIZS · 12/09/2018 16:32

I too was going to point out that autism presentation in girls can differ to boys. Anxiety, isolation , non compliance etc may well be founded in something on the spectrum. It would be as well to try to explore this before secondary. Maybe couch it in trying to find ways to make her happier and life easier? Otherwise girls can be nasty in y5/6 , would she go to groups and activities with a different social circle .

XJerseyGirlX · 12/09/2018 16:34

Heartbreaking to read OP. I probably would pull my DD out of school tbh. The anxious hair pulling is a result of her feeling this way and i doubt she will grow out of it as long as the problem is still there. Have you the time for home education? if so then its worth a try. All children are different and required a "tailored" upbringing. The fact that your other DC are fine in school supports my belief that your doctor was a twat for blaming you. Hope your DD is ok

GallicosCats · 12/09/2018 16:34

Your GP sounds more worried about keeping his referrals down than helping patients. See another one with an interest in mental health conditions. You'll have to be pushy and you may well have to go private for a referral.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:34

BigGlasses yes that's what I'm hoping too, that with the bigger numbers of children in High School she will find at least one little friend that has things in common with her.

Sashh that's what I want really, to not put her through this last year of Sats etc and try to get on top of her anxiety and mental health before High school starts.

When I ask her what she feels is making her unhappy and what could be done to make things easier she always says "everything would be better if I didn't have to go to school" Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:37

Yes I have time to home educate as I am currently a SAHM but I'm not hugely brilliant at math though we could probably stretch to a tutor for this.

Although I think the school would be very frosty about it and as my other two DC's are happy there (and it really is a brilliant little school, my DD just hates it for whatever reason).

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 12/09/2018 16:38

Oh this is absolutely heartbreaking to read and too me right back to when I was 10.

I was your DD.

If it helps even a tiny bit, I chose a high school that nobody else from my primary school went to and I managed to make a lovely group of friends there and was very happy after that.

My DD is in Reception now and (after a year in nursery), I fear the same is happening to her. She gets along okay with the boys but none of the girls seem interested. It's so hard Sad

Seniorschoolmum · 12/09/2018 16:39

I’d push for an autism check. She sounds very similar to my niece who has aspergers.

Is she’s started to pull her hair out, that is a symptom of severe stress. To hell with SATS frankly, your dd is distressed and needs help.
I’d be looking at home schooling or specialist tuition.

sashh · 12/09/2018 16:41

Do it OP.

Don't worry about what you re good or bad at, making sure her mental health is sound and building resilience is worth taking time out of school.

Iwantplaits · 12/09/2018 16:43

Check out your area for home schooling support. Round by us there are parents doing HE holding tutor groups for subjects they know and understand well so it's like mini classes and can work really well.

BigBlueBubble · 12/09/2018 16:45

I was your DD. It was soul destroying. I missed out on the opportunity to learn how to form friendships and develop socially, and I became very anxious and fearful of others because I expected to be mistreated by them. I’m now 40, have never had any friends and lack the skills to make any, and I’m still fearful of people so I tend to isolate myself. Please help your DD before she ends up in my situation. Home educate and involve her in extra curricular activities to make friends.

Veganfortheanimals · 12/09/2018 16:45

My first thought was autism.its different in girls,2 of my children have it...and I suspect I do too.i also home educate,not through choice,because I had no choice,he gets hysterical at the thought of school..we are under camhs. For all the good it does

Angrybird345 · 12/09/2018 16:46

Do what you feel best but don't take SATS into consideration as they are for the school, not your ddd, and she will be reassessed at high school anyway. Get her to the doctor too.

Angharad07 · 12/09/2018 16:47

I really feel for your little girl. I was in the same predicament in school. However, I wouldn’t pull her out. My friend’s mother did the same to her and she didn’t go back until halfway through year 10 and, if anything, further isolated her.

Can you encourage after school activities and friendship groups to make up for what she’s missing in school? My heart does break for her because I know that it feels like to be lonely in school. I’d have another word with the head.

scrunchSE18 · 12/09/2018 16:47

On a practical level there are some things you can do to make the long lunchtimes better for her. My daughter went back to yr 6 armed with different activities for different days. Stuff like a small notebook and pen, mini puzzle book, tiny rubics cube. Each day she has a different thing zipped into her coat. It’s really taken the pressure off her thinking she has to have someone to play with. She has also found some clubs to join at lunchtime which fill some of the time. Hope your daughter has some help through school soon.

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