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Original poster

Please help, 10yo DD so unhappy at school

47 replies

MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 16:03

DD (10) has never enjoyed school. She has never been popular and has had a lot of trouble fitting in with the other girls in her year and now that they're older, the boys don't want to play with her either.

Every day I drop my youngest DD at the nursery and have to see my eldest DD on the playground completely alone, staring at the floor and it is absolutely breaking my heart .

Over the years I have had loads of play dates etc but no one ever reciprocated so that didn't help. In fact lots of the little girls we had over for birthdays, playdates etc are pretty unpleasant to her now.

She is also a very anxious, highly strung child and has started developing trichotillomania (she pulls her hair out when anxious, mainly her eyebrows) since last year which we're currently in the process of getting her help for. I know this isn't all the fault of the other children, she can be emotional and introverted and finds it hard to navigate friendships generally, and would spend 24 hours a day coding on her PC if she could.

I am strongly considering pulling her out of school for her last year with the view of trying her in High school next September and doing my best to home educate. DH thinks this is extreme as she is not being bullied or mistreated and is very against her missing the SAT's (which are going to traumatise her in her current state).

I'm just really in need of some advice. She's so unhappy and I just want to fix it but don't know what to do for the best.

Thank you in advance .

OP posts:

Veganfortheanimals · 12/09/2018 16:48

If you go to your doctor ,you can get her signed off school with stress,from there the LEA by law have to provide a home tutor when your child has missed 14 days of school.

Loopytiles · 12/09/2018 16:49

Sorry to hear this. I would consider moving her, or taking a break from school before high school, see a different GP and press strongly for a child mental health referral (or pay privately).

Beetlebum1981 · 12/09/2018 16:49

I'm sure you're entitled to home school for part of the week. An acquaintance I know is doing this for her child although she's only just starting school. One of my colleague's wife has homeschooled her daughter for a few years. She's autistic and has always struggled socially at school. She has a FB page where she's blogged about their journey and her daughter seems to have grown so much. It's clear from her posts that there's support out there and groups to join where home schooled children can socialise. Her daughter has also done some volunteering and has now joined 6th form college. It does sound like a year 'out' may benefit her mental health, you could also place a focus on developing her social skills to help her transition to high school.

Hidingtonothing · 12/09/2018 16:52

This was me at primary school too, I wish my DM had known she could home ed (she wishes the same) because I was totally happy at home. It did get a little better in senior school (showing my age ) but I always preferred adult company really.

I would find out more about home ed OP, read lots and push the positives with DH. I will admit I’m biased, both because HE would have been right for me and because I’ve home educated my DD from the outset, but it honestly does sound like it would be the right thing for your DD too, at least for now.

bellinisurge · 12/09/2018 16:54

It's really hard. The school has a job to do here. It must see this.
As I say to anyone in this position, she will find her tribe but it's horrible if it isn't in the playground at the moment.
Dd has a friend like this. Unlike you, her mum was no help and just made things more difficult for reasons I won't share.
She and dd are in different schools now (Y7) . In fact, dd has faced Y7 alone but has learned some techniques to cope. She and the friend WhatsApp each other to stay in touch. I keep an eye on that method of communication.

Mrsr8 · 12/09/2018 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elk · 12/09/2018 16:57

This was my dd 2 years ago. (She pulled her hair out and wore a bandana to cover her bald spots). I wanted to pull her out of school to home educate and looked really seriously into Briteschool. She had friends when they needed help with their Minecraft mods and then they faded away again!

In some parts of the country referral to Camhs is done by the parents not the school/gp. Dd was seen very quickly and had 6 sessions.

Her first year in secondary was very difficult but she did get a couple of good friends who saw her through the difficult times. She has just started Y8 and things are looking up.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 12/09/2018 16:58

Do it, take her out, rebuild her and then start talking to secondary schools and find out which would be the best fit for her. Find STEM activities for girls in your area and find out which schools encourage girls in these. Don't rush into choosing a secondary school if she is not ready. Maybe entry at year 10 or 6th form college might be more realistic.

Forget the arguments about socialisation, she is isolated now as she is, at least with home schooling you might find other like minded children, probably on the end of a chat line about coding!!

Hugs to you both... (I am currently looking at my beautiful square peg and wondering how she is coping with secondary ... we are only 2 weeks in so its early days but I took her out of school when she was 8 for a while.. it made the world of difference. )

Coldshoulders · 12/09/2018 17:02

My son who's 8 has autism and spends alot of time on his pc and alot of time at home. I myself have seen my son begging me not to take him school (mainstream), he struggles to fit in, I have had issues with other mums in the playground who don't understand and are just shallow bitches, and tbh he has had low school attendance in the past due to his anxiety before school and also my own caused by the other school mum's who's children are "perfect" I was even told by one mum at school the other day her child isn't my son's carer in school which was way off the mark for me. Thing is anxiety and mental health is at the highest rate ever in the UK with kids developing anxiety eye earlier than ever before. It's heart breaking when I pick my son up n he's had a bad day, or eats lunch alone or has no one to play with in the playground. He literally begs me to not take him in and when I do send him in I get really bad anxiety worrying all day about him myself. So I totally relate with this post and I myself was questioning what to do regarding home schooling. Maybe try to call a meeting at school and see if there's anything they can do to try to help. It's literally heart breaking to see your child so unhappy. I'm keeping my eye on this post as I feel I'm kinda in the same position. I just hope everything works out for u and your child. Maybe a school transfer might work out better? Hope everything sorts out for u everyday is a struggle with my son and school tbh xxx

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 17:19

Thank you all for being so lovely. Basically I think my DH and DM think I am too wishy washy and undisciplined to home educate effectively but it would be for one year and she actually says she wants to try high school.
My heart breaks for all of your little DC's who are going through similar hardships.

I honestly don't think I can see her walking alone on that playground even one more day before I break. She looks so lonely.

Very good idea about taking in little activities for the playground, will try that for the remainder of the week.

I am going to go in early to have a word with the teacher tomorrow and also make a GP appt about the hair pulling.

OP posts:

madameweasel · 12/09/2018 17:25

I would be very concerned that the stress of SATs would make things worse for your DD. DC1 has been home educated for the last 2 years, but has just gone in to Yr 7. The lack of SATs results has not been an issue as the high school have conducted their own tests for the children who didn't have SATs data (DC1 was not the only one who did not take SATs).
There is a lot of support for home ed available, from Facebook and Yahoo groups, websites, workshops, tutors etc. It's a fantastic community.

Coldshoulders · 12/09/2018 17:27

If you are worried about anxiety and hair pulling you can also ask your gp to refer u to paediatrics who might be able to help more and give advice and techniques to help always worth a shot and I wish u the best of luck, you sound like an amazing caring loving mum and I think you are deffo doing the right thing by being there for your child understanding and doing everything u can to help nice to see best of luck sweet xxx

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 17:28

Madame yes that is a huge deciding factor for me, she is already scared about them and her school is well known for putting a huge amount of pressure on the Y6 pupils for sats results. I just don't see her coping, not how she is at the minute.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/09/2018 17:30

Could you take her home for lunch?

HollowTalk · 12/09/2018 17:31

And the staff can say what they want but if they had no friends at work and if their colleagues shunned them, they'd look for another job pretty fast.

Original poster

MayorMumbum · 12/09/2018 17:32

I have a disability, walking her back and forth at lunch as well as all the school runs wouldn't be doable

OP posts:

clarrylove · 12/09/2018 17:45

Couldn't she walk home at lunchtime on her own?

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 12/09/2018 17:56

My niece had severe school related anxiety and also used to pull her hair out. What helped her was a completely new environment; she moved from a very intense academic environment (they live abroad) to a lovely nurturing school that follows the English curriculum. Hair pulling stopped completely, she is more confident, has made a lovely group of friends and is now interested in doing activities outside of school again, before she was too nervous. If you can move schools then I would. Or maybe home ed and get her signed up for some clubs or hobbies. I completely agree with Hollow that the staff wouldn’t put up with being shunned like that and would be looking for a new job sharpish.

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 12/09/2018 18:09

That's just my daughter too. 10, geeky and loves coding, no real friends as no one really gets her. I'm at a loss really but am hoping she finds her people at secondary school.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/09/2018 18:16

This sounds very sad OP. Does she have any interests in any kind of sport or reading? I'm thinking that if she could hook into a group that she actually has an interest in (for the remainder of her time there), it might help her to see and talk to other pupils and regain a bit of confidence that way?

I'm not sure what sort of clubs this school might have but surely they must have something? I know the secondary school will, it's just what to do in the meantime.

Tanaqui · 12/09/2018 18:40

Is there anyway you could get her to another achool? Only then she might flourish- and if she struggles it will give you more insight into whether it is “her” (that sounds awful, but I mean the possibility of autism etc), or if she just doesn’t fit with the current girls. And if the school are good with your other dc do ask them for more help.

steppemum · 12/09/2018 21:57

while HE might be perfect for her, I really think the school has a responsibility to try and do something. Her anxiety is obvious as she is hair pulling.

I would push hard to get some action. One thing you can 'threaten' is - well, unless things improve, I would have to take her out for 2 weeks over SATS as she won't cope. That would be a disaster for the school, so they should then work harder to help her.

The idea of lunchtime activities is great.

try also going through the day with her and getting her to score different things out of 10, as to whether they make her feel bad, so entering school/cloakroom; lesson time; eating in school hall; pe; talking to others; working with others and so on. This should help you pin point what are the things she finds hard about school.

try some of that and see how it goes for a couple of weeks, before making a final decision.

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