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Original poster

To feel sad that poor mental health has ruined my chances of living a good life.

46 replies

butyl · 12/09/2018 08:02

My crappy childhood basically set me up to have poor mental health. I was bright at school and could have been pretty much done anything that I put my mind to. But due to my poor mental health , chronic low self confidence and lack of self esteem I ended up doing nothing with my life. I was too Africa's of everything and amounted to nothing.

I'm mid 30s now and really feel so sad for me. I can't possibly retrain now. I don't have the funds or the courage to.

Having good mental health is such a gift that those who have it, probably don't realise how fortunate they truly are.

OP posts:
MinaPaws · 12/09/2018 08:05

I sympathise massively with you. I'll send you a PM.

GloGirl · 12/09/2018 08:05

I sort of know what you mean as I'm living similar but when I tell you that you have a minimum of THIRTY YEARS left of work!! Then suddenly a drive, ambition, prospect of retraining becomes a bit more important.

In the long run can you afford not to make a change?

CantankerousCamel · 12/09/2018 08:06

I was routinely beaten, abused and tortured as a child.

Life since has been HARD work. I have PTSD and bipolar disorder.

I have (somehow) managed to get a degree, raise a family and build a successful business.

Regardless of the issues, it’s never too late. 30s is NOTHING.

The only way to get over this, is to stop allowing it to control you. Yes it was shit for you, but you cannot let that define you anymore. Stop using it in your discussions about yourself, stop it being an excuse.

Don’t allow your head to win, if you want to achieve something do it through the anxiety and the fear, then the next time you take something on, it will be easier.

GloGirl · 12/09/2018 08:08

So sorry I kind of gave the kick up the bum answer but what I read was that you feel at 30 is that your chances are ruined and your life is over.

I'm here to tell you that there's plenty of time to turn it around when you are feeling well. Look after yourself, practice lots of self care - keep outdoors, keep walking, look after what you eat and your sleep. Then rather than plan and wonder and ponder - just go out there and do. Try for a few different jobs, volunteer in your community, speak to people you never thought of.

user1497863568 · 12/09/2018 08:09

I've had twenty years of poor mental health. Last 17 intensely so. Life has got better though - I retrained, I'm working, on medication.

CantankerousCamel · 12/09/2018 08:10

Can I just add that there is no need to go from 0-sorted. Just constantly be improving

Exaggerate · 12/09/2018 08:16

I'm in a similar position. The never too late bollocks pisses me off. It doesn't matter if you've got five minutes or fifty years left to to retrain if you haven't got the confidence to do anything with it or the money to do it in the first place. It's a crap position to be in and it's so difficult to have a proper conversation about it because most people won't accept that some things can't be changed.

CantankerousCamel · 12/09/2018 08:21

Well, the needless defeatism pisses me off. You can be defined by your child hood until you’re 20/30/60 but eventually you’ve got to let it go and take responsibility for your own life.

We live in the uk, there is funding for most things, you can still go to uni at 30 and have it totally paid.

JLG19 · 12/09/2018 08:27

CantankerousCamel, you can have the university course paid for, sure. But what about living costs? Maintenance loans barely cover living costs and for some people, especially those with mental health issues, working PT around the course is not feasible. Cost is a big factor.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP. I know what I would love to do, but it's just never going to happen for me.

Isadora2007 · 12/09/2018 08:28

You can definitely work on your self esteem and confidence. The mental health issues DO make it harder, and you have my full sympathies for that. It can be incredibly tough to just get through the day for many people with MH problems and so finding the motivation to then go to college or do other activities must feel nearly impossible.
Do you have any support OP? Maybe look for some local peer support groups or a volunteering opportunity. And work on your self esteem- think of who you’d like to be or dream/aspire to be. Then who you are. And then make steps to get that little bit closer each day.
You sound very articulate so maybe journaling would help- you could even blog?
Good luck with it all- I believe you could turn your life around and be an inspiration to others- all you need to do is believe it too.
Read books about how toxic parenting and abuse affects people. Or “they f* you up” by Oliver James was very good too- then the more knowledge you have the more power you have as well.

CantankerousCamel · 12/09/2018 08:41

Open uni, you can do it around life.

There are ways you just have to be determined. It doesn’t have to happen overnight

Exaggerate · 12/09/2018 08:47

Yeah. Never too late. Anybody who can't do it just isn't trying hard enough. Not determined enough. Just another thing already vulnerable people are made to feel that they're failing at by people who haven't got a clue.

erinaceus · 12/09/2018 08:57

@butyl Do you have a sense of where you would like to get to? I am not quite sure I agree with the "anything is possible" mantra but I don't think that writing yourself off is accurate either. I do agree that you do not have to go from zero to sorted straightaway, sometimes the steps are incremental IME.

CantankerousCamel · 12/09/2018 09:01

exagerrate

Your username says it ALL

Exaggerate · 12/09/2018 09:04

You really don't think that's how your words might make somebody with longterm mental health problems feel? I knew what replies OP would get because I've posted similar before. Sometimes it is too late and it really upset me to basically be told that I just needed to try harder.

Prusik · 12/09/2018 09:06

I can't comment much on the mental health side of things but DH has just started a part time uni course. He qualifies for student loans to pay his fees plus some maintenance loan also. He's able to work alongside the course so we can still afford for him to do it. We are both low earners but aren't in council housing and have a very young family so it is possible.

Exaggerate · 12/09/2018 09:06

Counteracting that is the only reason that I posted anyway. Didn't mean to DERAIL so I'm out. Sorry OP.

Prusik · 12/09/2018 09:07

Ps DH is 32 next month and the course is 5 years

TooOldForThisWhoCares · 12/09/2018 09:11

I think there is a happy medium between camel's approach alongside an understanding that someone may be looking at the definition of "success" in the wrong way. For some it's material success, having a career, for others it's a level of contentment and acceptance of living with mental health issues that can limit people.

Some people get bogged down in their own head and feel change is never possible but it depends what their aims are. Role models like Camel are useful to some and not to others. Things aren't ever all or nothing.

LanguidLobster · 12/09/2018 09:14

OP someone on here recommended TED talk on happiness (can't remember their username, something Pencil) which sounded really interesting.

A business near me runs short courses on things like meditation, CBT, breathing exercises is there anything like that in your area?

None of us get to do everything we want in life but I'm sure you can set yourself some attainable goals

MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox · 12/09/2018 10:04

Are there aspects of things you would like to do that you can do?
For example, I'll never be a landscape gardener but I can plant and care for a couple of window boxes that gave me unexpected pleasure (sorry if that sounds utterly ridiculous!).
I'll never be a vet but I could volunteer at a local cattery.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 12/09/2018 10:06

I feel the same way but I'm not 40s and really feel it's too late to sort my life out now. I'm a single parent in a dead end job and my MH isn't great. I don't know how to turn things around.

QuaterMiss · 12/09/2018 10:13

You say “retrain” OP. Are you currently doing something you have qualifications for?

(It makes a difference re funding.)

Original poster
butyl · 12/09/2018 10:20

Thanks for your replies. I get the it's never too late thing. However, the obstacles I face just feel so overwhelming. I fear I will fail miserably. I didn't say in my op but I already have a degree. I barely just finished it and couldnt cope with university. I had no interest in it and was told this is what I would have to do and so I did. I know it sounds ridiculous but that was the level of how controlled my life was.

Because of it, I have lost who I am. I don't even know who I am. I lack a sense of identity. Ive surpressed my likes, dislikes, wants and needs for so long that i dont know what to do with myself. and as a result I don't even know what I would want to do anyway. I have crippling social anxiety too so interviews / assessments make me sick. I'm just so unemployable and really not a good candidate for anything.

OP posts:
CantankerousCamel · 12/09/2018 10:28

exaggerate

As I explained in my first post, I am no stranger to mental health issues. You can take your pathetic excuse to attack me elsewhere. The only persons life I am in control of, is my own.

The projection isn’t a good look. Sort it out.

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