To feel sad that poor mental health has ruined my chances of living a good life.

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My crappy childhood basically set me up to have poor mental health. I was bright at school and could have been pretty much done anything that I put my mind to. But due to my poor mental health , chronic low self confidence and lack of self esteem I ended up doing nothing with my life. I was too Africa's of everything and amounted to nothing.

I'm mid 30s now and really feel so sad for me. I can't possibly retrain now. I don't have the funds or the courage to.

Having good mental health is such a gift that those who have it, probably don't realise how fortunate they truly are.

I do know what you mean and I feel for you.

when I was in my 30s, I came to that cross roads of "should I pay to retrain".

I weighed it up against scrimping, saving, retiring early etc and decided on the latter. It will depend what you do, but I just felt ordinary daily working life was enough to cope with - I already did one set of evening study in my 20s - and I definitely couldn't stop earning and train full time, didn't want to do it on top of the job.

so now if I am an old lady with very ancient clothes and furniture - no matter - at least I'm not staring down the barrel of working till I'm 70.

I do know who I am and really all I want is a quiet life. When my mum is gone, I will leave London as well, so hopefully be able to buy a house somewhere cheaper, nearer a green space, and just live quietly every day.

I think I found it hard to admit that's who I am, because it sounds so unimpressive, but now I don't care anymore.

Ok ...

You will have to trust me when I say I understand exactly and completely what you have described. And know it’s a crappy place to be.

May I ask - is there some sudden urgency about wanting/needing a change of prospects? Or just a general feeling of being stuck? Because you could take all sorts of action today to change your situation but it would be meaningless and pointless unless you’ve gone through the process of ... re-finding yourself. Which can happen through deliberate effort or quite unexpectedly after a period of - don’t know how to say - being kind to yourself, letting yourself heal, allowing your brain to relax into discovering what it wants. (This sounds ridiculous - but I know what I mean.)

What are the obstacles?

OP you seem to be in the same place as my son who is 27. I worry about him constantly to the point of crying myself to sleep. He attempted university twice and dropped out both times due to anxiety and major depression (he was suicidal at one point). Now he's at the point of being too terrified to start something else due to fear of failure - even something like CBT he feels he would fail at. Its so difficult to know where to go really.

Sorry, no advice there for you. I do hope you find a way soon. My heart goes out to you.

QuaterMiss
I think you're right. I do need to "find myself" but how?!

my biggest obstacle in my mind anyway is social anxiety. I just get a brain freeze when in social situations. I am so uncomfortable. I hate it. How can I get a job, go to interviews when I know I'll perform so badly.

I think you're right. I do need to "find myself" but how?!

I can't tell you how but I can tell you the approach I took after feeling similarly that I didn't know what I liked. (I don't think it was a question I ever really asked myself until I found myself in a somewhat similar position to you.) I decided that I was going to just try lots of things and see what stuck. I tried loads of different approaches (and still am), some of them I like, some of them I don't and now I have more things I like than I have energy to do them all shrug

The anxiety thing can be crippling, can you think of something that you could do that is not an interview but is sort-of vaguely in that direction in as much as it involves other people or unfamiliar situations?

How can I get a job, go to interviews when I know I'll perform so badly.

Wonderfully - I happen to know that this is upside down. Forget about some giant, terrifying ‘interview’. Honestly, honestly, if you give yourself permission to uncover what you, you, yourself want; where your deepest interests lie, what makes you happiest, etc - you can arrive at a place where the right occupation races towards you with such strengthen it almost knocks you over. And at that point you won’t be primarily conscious of the ‘old’ anxiety because you’ll be too focussed on becoming part of whatever you’ve discovered you need in your life.

This sounds like utter gobbledygook, I’m sorry! Put another way - you are viewing life through a prism of fear so everything seems impossible. Don’t concentrate on doing. Concentrate, for now, on being.

What would your perfect day contain?

Qatermiss utterly has it. It is who you are you should concentrate on 100%. I did the whole retraining thing in my mid 30s (I'm 42) and it did NOT make me happy. Mainly because I thought I should/had to do it. Pressure from well-meaning types about "using my brain" (I'd already got an English degree and not used it and been st home with dc for 10+ years) well yes, I did use my brain but my anxiety increases hugely and I've ended up not working in the role I retrained for. I have on the face of it a less skilled, work-related, job to what I trained to do. But I can cope with it, mostly. It's part time. My advice? Find what makes you tick first, before racing into something unsuitable. Iv e also just finished some counselling around past family/abuse issues which had helped me look at things differently. Have you had help with your anxiety?

I have crippling social anxiety too so interviews / assessments make me sick.

Honestly EVERYONE finds interviews stressful. The more you want the job the more stressful it is.

You've told us all your negatives - so what do you like, or are good at?

How about hairdressing, or if you go to Sally Salon they do short courses in manicure and nail art etc. Do you like decorating? Cleaning?

The best way to deal with anxiety is to acknowledge it and not let it rule your life.

Make sure you’ve got your process down before the day/morning of the interview so you can’t procrastinate about what order you’ll do things and treat it like a necessary, compulsory operation.

If you don’t let anxiety win and stop you doing things, it stops having the same hold over you

QuaterMiss You know- that makes soo much sense, not gobbledygook in the slightest!. You're totally right, I really need to find out what makes me tick, what makes me ignite the passion inside of me.

TooOldForThisWhoCares That's exactly what I'm afraid of too. What if I fail again. What if having that other job / career doesn't bring me happiness. You know what. I think I'm trying to live up to other people's expectations of me. My family were so angry at me for giving up my career to the point they were actually abusive - bullying/ name-calling, belittling me, telling me I've wasted my life. They treated me so so badly over it. Combined with that my anxiety and already lack of self confidence, I was suicidal.

I see them in my mind's eye when I feel shit about my life. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like I let them down massively and they have told me so. Their definition of success equals good job / nice house / nice car etc. If I had these things ,I think they would respect me and not feel ashamed of me.

I think I yearn for that really.

I actually don't give a toss about having a high flying career. I want to do something that makes me happy, that I really enjoy and excites me. And most importantly, I want to do it for me.

Honestly Neshoma I'm not not good at anything. At a push all I can think of is that I'm good at organising and researching!

Well that’s a start! Very valuable skills to have and cover a variety of areas.

Again - can you imagine your perfect day? (Doesn’t have to be reasonable or realistic.)

I can empathise I really can.
I think you’ve hit a nail on the head when you say you aren’t bothered about a high flying career and just want to do something that makes you happy and that you can handle. Being good at organising and researching is a talent so please don’t do yourself down. They’re definitely a big asset work wise in loads of jobs, esp organisation. You need that in every job. The big thing to work on is not feeling ashamed for the choices you make. As long as you are keeping within the law, not hurting anybody or yourself, any job is 100% ok. Bugger what people think or if they respect you. It’s your life and what you want is what counts.

As for social anxiety. I agree that the more you avoid a situation the more of a hurdle it becomes to face it. Have you read “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers?its been around for ages but I so true and helps you remember that very few people are truly confident. People think I’m really outgoing and able to talk to anyone. I’m not. I get home exhausted from gatherings because I find it sooo hard to do. But I fake it. I ask lots about the people I’m with. I stop judging myself if my conversation isn’t sparkling or overly intelligent. And the more you do it, the more practiced you get at it.

Would you consider joining something like the WI? The one I go to is so supportive of it’s members. We get to learn new things , help out with local, national and international projects such as making re-usable sanitary kits for school girls in developing countries, setting up free street libraries etc. You get members who are quiet and reserved and those who are more outgoing but it’s something new and different and women only.

See yourself as work in progress - someone who is finding out about themselves, what they like, don’t like and mostly just start doing things for yourself.

My family were so angry at me for giving up my career to the point they were actually abusive - bullying/ name-calling, belittling me, telling me I've wasted my life. They treated me so so badly over it. Combined with that my anxiety and already lack of self confidence, I was suicidal.

Christ, that sounds awful! I am so sorry to hear that.

If you are good at organising and researching, those are super-valuable skills to have. I think if you're not in work it's easy to lose sight of how valuable those types of skills really are.

A good start for me was adult education classes, I took a bunch of those including some short "taster" ones, not in career-related stuff but in hobby type stuff. It was really strange to me to work on hobbies that were not with the explicit purpose of "bettering" myself in some way, but just for fun.

Other people have used volunteering as a way to meet people, and use time well, and so on, so you could try that?

I think it's really difficult to shift messages that you have internalised through your upbringing, I know I for a long time believed I "had to have" some kind of immense career success and am only now realising that a different type of future might be a better fit for my mental health and for me generally.

Pick something that you think you will enjoy and don't worry about how it looks to others, my DP's were horrified at my job post Uni and thought it a terrible waste of a degree. I thought it would suit it and it did and it evolved into more qualifications and a more academic based job over the years. But even if it hadn't evolved I was still happier with my basic job than a graduate scheme thing because it suited my skills. What do you do well? Don't worry about what others think of it, are you practical or better at office based stuff? An on your feet person or more of a computer based person? If others value different jobs they can go and do them themselves.

Not wanting a high flying career is fine! It really is! I can't tell you how much better you'll feel when you stop trying to live up to other people's expectations. You CAN have a life which is mostly contented And authentic to who you are and what your needs are (I don't believe in "happiness" as a goal, what IS that anyway, feeling content is far more achievable).

Your family sound abusive and shallow. As hard as it is, stop listening to them. You will never live up to their unattainable level of success because they will probably just keep moving the goal posts.

Actually I don't see what happened to me as a failure. It was valuable in that I learned from it. I learned I have to stop doing what is expected of me. I'm only at the beginning of that process but I feel positive about it.

Exaggerate it may feel like being told to try harder but it's more likely to be a plea to try something different.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a great book and one I often recommend. Good luck, OP.

There is middle ground between overwhelming yourself trying to do EVERYTHING striving to pull a wonderful life out of your ass all in one go, and giving up completely.

I read once that if you lose your way as an adult, think back to what you loved doing/ thinking about/ wanted to do when you were aged between eight and 14 years old. For me, it's certainly true that the things I loved then (writing, drawing, horses) are still extremely important to me.

What did you love when you were a child - even if you didn't have much opportunity to pursue it?

Could you try doing some of those things now?

I am so sorry you had a painful childhood. You can still build a great life for yourself now. Taking small steps is the way to do it, gradually you will discover yourself and things that interest you and that you are really good at.

QuaterMiss has nailed it. You need to find acceptance of who you are and what you CAN do.
FWIW a friend of mine diagnosed with a mental illness aged a mere 18 so no degree completed (your degree WILL open more doors, regardless of subject). She lives a very very simple life in a rural backwater. She has friends, she lives in a nice community, she helps others & volunteers a bit, has sufficient money to cope, and is very content with her life. She receives good mental care most of the time (GPs change at a worrying rate) and her condition is well controlled by drugs. If you met her you might think she was a bit slow on the uptake but wouldn't necessarily realise the extent of her incapacities, as she is nicely spoken, well read, and very kind. She couldn't cope with a high pressure job such as that would be expected of her educational aspirations on leaving school. Nor can she cope well with stress. Likewise she couldn't cope with technology so she has no computer and only a basic phone.
What she does do is exactly what she is happy with and able to cope with. She doens't have a career as such, she only lives & works on a very basic level but she is 100% content with what she CAN do. She frequently reminds me of the simple pleasures in life, she might text to say she's seen a rare butterfly or remind me that certain flowers are in bloom in the local woods.

She also is not bothered about what others think of her, she has no pretentions, wears whatever she finds she likes in the charity shop etc. and says people can take her as she is.

I sometimes think all this technology, social media, TV & hype does make the worst of mankind come out: people always feel they have to compare themselves to what they see (which is largely hype/false anyway).

Good luck with finding yourself again, and finding new pathways. I hope you are just as content.

My mental health is atrocious. I suffer with panic, anxiety, dermatiolomania, PMT, destructive behaviour. Honestly the list goes on. On New Year's Eve last year I wrote a letter to myself for New Year's Eve 2018. I spent hours writing one A4 piece of paper. I wrote it in the present tense and was reflecting on what a brilliant year 2018 had been. I read it over and over again for months until every word was etched in my brain about how great my life was. How perfect my partner was how well my little one is doing in school. I forgot about it over the last 3 months. I started out new year single and in debt and absolutely miserable. I'm now so happy my son is doing brilliantly I live with the love of my life and watch my child doing his homework at the dining table I'd always imagined. Please believe in yourself!!! Don't put yourself down. I'm knocking 30s door and think I might retrain as a vet nurse. I think about today and what makes me happy today. Forget the future and live for today! Xxx

Wow OP, reading what you have written was quite eery, I am feeling very much the same as you at the moment. I dropped out of University due to mental health issues, I only went in the first place because my parents pushed me towards it as said it would be a waste of my expensive education if I didn't go. Then I had DD and was planning on going back, but realised I'm just doing that to appease my parents, and they no longer have financial control of me; so I'm having a gap year now and setting up a business. It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I feel confident enough to even try to do anything, I very much empathise with the feeling of not knowing yourself, I was well aware I couldn't follow my passions as a teen and pushed down all my feelings for so long they almost disappeared. You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to find out what will make you happy