Ds and scars on his face

[5SleepingLions]

My Ds has just started year 1 and today he told me some of his friends have started asking about the scars on his face and he seemed OK about it if not a little quiet.
I am going to talk to his teacher about it tomorrow but I don't know what to say.
He asked me so many questions about them which broke my heart as I wasn't expecting the questions so soon.

I got exactly what ragged meant.
What she meant was that when he tells the other children they may well think it's an "exciting" tale and it can help the Op's Ds to feel perhaps important and a bit special.

Just as some of dd2's friends who were also born missing a hand like she was, have been through stages of saying they were bitten by a shark, did a bomb disposal course, or it unscrewed in the washing machine.
Being born like that is not only boring, but actually at age 5or 6 years seems less believable because people aren't born like that, are they?

My DS got burned a few years ago - I was scared that he'd carry all his scars for life, but gladly only a couple remain, the rest have vanished.

While they healed though, there was a long period where they were visible and DS was self-conscious about them, and I felt sad to a point that DS was not 'perfect' as he had been before the accident. The guilt I felt too was crushing.

Another MNer was so super supportive and her perspective really helped me wrt scars. She shared with me that for her and her DC, the scarred skin is as much our child as the non-scarred skin, we have to love the scars too, because they are part of our child and he/she is lovable as they are.

We did joke about inventing stories about wrestling with piranhas or peckish sharks, until DS laughed and pointed out the being burnt was 'bad enough'

I think if we can teach our DC that it's OK to have scars if we have them and that we are loveable with them, then it's easier for our DC to be more relaxed about saying 'oh yeah, I got bitten/burnt/was in a car crash or was born like it.

The main thing for me was being taught by my parents that for whatever reason, I was not 'good/slim/loveable/whatever enough' I would not wish that on my DS. He's good enough as he is.

My 14 year old daughters torso is covered in scars front and back from multiple surgeries. Her back is also disfigured as she has very severe scoliosis, kids are very accepting and don’t say much.

Adults stare though which gives me the absolute rage.

She owns it and happily wears a bikini on holiday and doesn’t care, so proud of how she handles it.

Could your son do a short ‘show and tell’ segment on how he got his scars, perhaps explaining the backstory/surgery etc? If he is not particularly distressed by the incident, as he will be unable to remember it, maybe it will be a good opportunity for him to get the explanation out all at once. It will probably cause a discussion across his friends and classmates about their injuries/childhood illnesses and they will ultimately find that they have more in common with the scars than they first thought.
Obviously it depends to some extent how outgoing he is/ how receptive he would be to this idea!

I have quite bad scarring on my arm from surgeries, and kids are fascinated by them as you can see all the stitch marks. But it is hard when people ask about them as I'm not always in the mood to talk about them. Though FIL won the award for the most insensitive remarks about them.

OP, Changing Faces do some great materials for kids with visible differences and coping mechanisms. Might be worth checking out

OP, I do think that how YOU handle it will give him the lead.

My niece has a huge facial birthmark, and her mum and dad have always been very matter of fact, never hidden it, never made an issue of it.
She is very laid back and confident about it, and that shows in how she holds herself etc. She has now left school, and is off to uni, and the birthmark just isn't an issue.

I think that I would sit down in from of a mirror together and talk about our faces. I have some tiny scratches and scars (I'm not comparing) so maybe - look, there's the place where the cat got me. That one is chicken pox. Hmm, those ones are frowning, shall I smile more?? get him to look at his face and tell his story. Those are my brown eyes like dad. I think I have a small nose like mum. That bit is where the dog bit me, and so on.

You could make up funny stories - like the shark attack, voldemort etc. (my brother has a scar on his arm, and told his kids it was a shark, until we overheard one day and all burst out laughing)

basically a session about accepting who we are, that our faces and bodies show our life story etc.

Hissy you have got it
When we got home from the hospital I couldn't look at photos of him before because his face wasn't the same
It seems silly now.
I will definitely look into the changing faces site so thanks for that.
This will probably out me but I don't care as for other people's scars my Dp has got huge scars covering his hips due being run over by a bus so scars are not a shock for my son it's just the first time he has been asked about his own.
Sexnotgender I hope my son will be as confident as your Dd as he gets older so hearing that she is so confident gives me hope.
I think he might not be ready to talk to his class about his scars yet but maybe in time.

OP, children in Year One are at an age where they will blatantly ask about things that appear 'different'/point them out. I don't imagine there's any malice/bullying involved.

I would talk to your DS about his operations and tell him why he had them. Tell him how amazing you think he is. And when children ask about his scars, I would advise him to say something like 'I was poorly when I was a baby and I had to have operations'. Surely that will be enough information for Year One children. Soon, I'm sure they'll just forget that he has scars on his face and they'll see him as the lovely boy I'm sure he is.

I think children are naturally inquisitive at this age and don't understand that it might not be the right thing to ask. I teach and have scarring on my arm from meningitis, when I get a new class there's usually pretty one who notices them and asks about them. Have you considered counselling for yourself? It sounds like you're still deeply affected by what happened and it might help you to cope better when things like this crop up.

The other thing is that boys at that age think scars and wounds are AWESOME 🤣

My ds fell over a bench once, left most of his shin behind, teachers put a massive dressing on it, but it was clear that the dressing would get stuck, so we had to take it off before that happened

I got some spray skin on it and once I’d prised him off the ceiling, the wound was fine, glossy from the spray skin etc, but it was waterproof and would keep dirt out. The next day he went into school and all his mates were in awe of his wound - it was hilarious!

I think it’s fine to say to your son it’s ok to tell people who ask, if he wants to, and that while not everyone has scars at that age, it’s normal.

Huge hugs to you both, I cannot imagine the horror of what you have been through. Events like the ones our dc have been through are traumatic for them and for us.

Can I also say that when our children have suffered accidents and attacks, the sights we see can never be unseen.

So while suggesting counselling might have some validity, let’s not suggest that the op is in any way abnormal for still being affected by what’s happened

To put this into perspective, my ds was burnt 5 years ago. Last year, 4 years after he came to help us in our very darkest hour, we met The First Responder at an Open Day at their base. He wasn’t even supposed to be there, he’d transferred a couple of years back. He told us that for all this time he’d lost sleep over what he’d seen, and that he’d had nightmares about DS and wondered what had happened to the little boy who was so badly scalded. That’s seeing my ds, to see his scars had healed and that he was ok brought this enormous big strong man to tears. He asked me if I remembered what he looked like. His face told me that he hadn’t forgotten what he’d seen any more than I had. He didn’t even see the worst of it either. He thanked us so much for coming to the open day, he said that he’d sleep better now, and he’d be happy knowing DS was ok and so well healed. We ALL cried buckets! 😂

He does that job for a living, sees all sorts of horrific things and it got to him.

For YEARS!

So let’s be clear about this, it’s normal to be affected by things we/our kids go Through.

It’s ok to talk about it and be sad and worry.

When we got home from the hospital I couldn't look at photos of him before because his face wasn't the same
It seems silly now

It’s not silly at all, you were deeply traumatised. And i can understand that him asking about it again has brought back all these feelings again.

Of course you are angry and upset now , I don’t think anyone here is judging you for your reaction.

But please do consider going for counselling to talk about your own feelings . The more you can come to terms with what happened, the better you can help your son.

I agree with everyone that your DS needs a story that he can learn and repeat. It’s up to him whether he chooses short and factual or interesting .

“ I had an operation when i was a baby. I don’t remember it and it doesn’t hurt . “

Vs a “shark” story

Of course he's perfectly entitled to say that he doesn’t want to talk about it and stop there. But IMEthat will probably lead to more speculation and interest than a short boring statement.

Oh Hissy, that is so moving.

My dd had an accident aged 18 months, so I get it OP.
It is certainly normal to be traumatised by it for ages.

But don't assume that ds is. He is discovering things about himself, and may take time to come to terms with them. You can help him move forward by making sure you are open and laid back about ti, and give him the lead.

My daughters surgeon told me not to underestimate the psychological impact of my daughters surgeries on her. She’s had 20+ surgeries on her spine alone.

My new husband pointed out recently that I shouldn’t underestimate the affect it has had on me either and he’s probably right.

It’s HARD seeing your children in pain. We’ve spent more nights in hospital than I can count. Don’t underestimate it.

Absolutely. I thought to myself, I wish it was me in hospital, burnt etc, but then realised that if I were in... who’d be there for ds?

Single parent at the time, I’d have had to have farmed him out somewhere. If there were a silver lining it was that I was able to sleep by his side for the couple of weeks he was in hospital.

Op, your dc is the important one in this, what does he want to say about his scars? He clearly has no recollection of the attack.

We were offered psychological support from the hospital (for life if need be) but he and I have always been absolutely close and a tight team and he said he didn’t need it, we did have some very moving conversations once home and for a while on and off

He was older than your ds op, but it’s important to be able to have these conversations at his pace and it’s important to be age appropriately honest in my opinion- it’s what works for us.

You’re a good mum op, he’s lucky to have you sweetheart. He knows you love him

This is the first time he has mentioned his scars so I have tried to be as honest as possible without going into great detail he knows he got bit well he actually said why did she try to eat me?
He doesn't know the details of what actually happened he knows he handed her a biscuit and she went for him.
Its just the helplessness that you feel.
He remembered bits for a while but as he has gotten older he has forgotten as its not something that is brought up often.
I now have a fear of dogs which he does not have.
If I hear a rumble like a growl my heart is in my mouth.

Oh love! I can imagine you do feel terror like that, it’s horrific!

I don’t like kettles... but at least they don’t have a mind of their own.

Good for you for not passing on your (understandable) fear, hopefully that will pass.

It was always going to happen, him asking questions and it’s always hard to have to answer them, but it will be easier as time goes on. My ds was a lot older so he understood what had happened, but we had the issue of me blaming myself and perhaps he did too. It took a lot to work that kink out

I dare say all this has brought up a lot of things you’d rather not think about, but it’s ok now, you’re all safe and he’s well and healthy. It’s ok to examine things again now that time has passed. He’ll have questions and he’ll want answers, you’re helping him a great deal by answering them.